I don't know what to do. Like clockwork, all of my regrets, shortcomings, failures and negative experiences just come rushing in to swallow me and make me wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. I've amounted to nothing in life and I'm so tired of forcing myself through a day-by-day existence, with no motivation or energy to do anything. I'm desperately lonely and have no one, yet only want to disappear and be forgotten.
Why are things so hard? I see people smiling, enjoying things and living, and yet I am here drowning amongst them, hating myself and hating those things that are out of my reach--things that I will never be able to reach.

Don't despair. Things will get better. You're hardly just sitting around doing nothing. You are doing one of the most important things you will ever do: transitioning. So, that's alot. And you should be proud. How many of these people you see that are smiling secretly want to show people their true selves but can't and never will? But yet here you are actively doing something. With great results I might add. You're becoming really pretty. I would just try to sit back and remember that. Remember how important and how hard what you're doing now really is. Cause it is. It really is. And in time other things will just fall into place. I would try to just think of something you might like to do and then take little steps toward that. It's worked in the past for me and I'm sure it will work for you too! xoxo

Hi Alice,

Ye some days can be dark, but honey you are on the way. It does get better, you will be happy. There is hope and there will be fun and love in your life.

I'm thinking of you and wishing you lots of hugs



Cindy

Having come so far, You are stronger than You suspect . Be proud of who You are and how much You have already accomplished. The best things in Your life are still to come and You better be ready for them

Hi Alice,
I have had a very low point in my life,surrounded by the darkness you are now feeling. It WILL get better. You are a very pretty young girl. When you feel low remember that in your heart you are a very beautiful girl with a lot of love to give. Take one positive from each day and hug it. You have lots of friends at Susan's who know what you are feeling and want to share your pain.
Just call when you need us.
Love,
Ciara.

Alice, it is not easy being us.  We have to deal with things of which the general public has no clue.  Not the least of which are our own self-doubts.

I always chaffed under the expectations of others.  I really disliked the term "underachiever" (and "overachiever" too).  It came to the point where I was consumed by feelings of inadequacy.  There is no magic pill to cure that.

I am getting past those feelings by understanding that I am unique, and that my struggles have helped shaped who I am - so I could view them as formative, rather than as failures.  I also do what I can to give back to others.  That makes me feel like I am helping.  It is, in itself, a self-validating reward.

Alice,

Judging from your picture, you have made lots of progress in your transition.  Honestly, you are a very pretty girl and I'm certain you will be able to reach your goals.

As for loneliness and wanting to enjoy life, well, go out and seize the day.  There are many things out there that are fun and enjoyable.  And there are people who will enjoy doing those activities with you.  Though I understand how difficult it can be.  I am very shy and have a hard time meeting new people and doing new things alone.  I wish I could make new girl friends easier than I do, and of course wish it were easy to meet men,lol.  Yet, I try to enjoy what I have and don't let loneliness cripple me.  Sometimes doing a fun activity alone is incredibly awarding.  Plus, you meet new people doing shared interests at groups or clubs.  I really hope it all gets easier for you

Remember, we are all here for you

I appreciate the advice and support, and I'm sorry for venting. I don't feel I can do much else, and it's embarrassing.

Hi Alice,
Don't be embarrassed Alice. We are all here for you. That's what friends are for after all.
Don't ever forget how beautiful you are.
Love,
Ciara.

I know its hard but just hang in there.

Don't worry about venting.  We all need to do that sometimes.  In my case, a lot of the time

Things will get better in time.  If you ever need help or anyone to talk to, you know where to find me.     

Alice, what is it that you want out of life? You can change your life's energies by doing the things that you love and enjoy. People will say negative things about you but you don't have to make it personal. You have gifts and talents that will enrich your life and others.

I can honestly say that,most of what you speak-sounds so much like me and alot of how i felt.I still feel this way even now with many things.But i will be very honest with you.My entire life was nothing and a waste,i learned this the hard way after over 30 years-pretending to be someone i wasnt.It wasnt until i took the courage to transition that my life finally became mine.We will always have days,people and other things to bring us down,that is part of human emotion but i can say without a doubt-i now have a reason to fight.I have lost alot during this time.My family,alot of friends,everything i knew before and even with the fear,pain-i wouldnt change a thing.Stay strong and push through the trash thats holding you back,keeping you down.you are ALOT stronger then you think.

I used to get terribly lonely.

Alice, you are pretty and I admire your strength. I look up to you because you are doing and are becoming who you really are. I hope I will have your strength.

I remember my 1st puberty and it was a terrible time with lots of insecurity. I would imagine the 2nd puberty would be similar but this time coming out the other side will have a great new beginning.

Quote from: Alice-blossom on May 08, 2013, 11:25:48 AM
I appreciate the advice and support, and I'm sorry for venting. I don't feel I can do much else, and it's embarrassing.

My wife says there are at least 5 solutions to every problem. I can usually come up with three, two more my wife rattles off which I instantly dismissed when I thought of them, not even worth the slightest consideration.

By just confronting head on the T-demon you've accomplished so much more than many others. Even myself at your age. It took me some many many months of self esteem building which came easier and easier as I accepted who I really am.

It does get better

Quote from: spacial on May 08, 2013, 07:26:02 PM
I used to get terribly lonely.

I have never felt that lonely as when I started my steps in transition - even in my teen years when I was trying to deal with GD in my own ways without knowing what was this all about. But at the same time, this experience is liberating and if You have come to terms with Yourself, You are not alone anymore.

Quote from: Alice-blossom on May 08, 2013, 02:22:15 AM
I don't know what to do. Like clockwork, all of my regrets, shortcomings, failures and negative experiences just come rushing in to swallow me and make me wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. I've amounted to nothing in life and I'm so tired of forcing myself through a day-by-day existence, with no motivation or energy to do anything. I'm desperately lonely and have no one, yet only want to disappear and be forgotten.
Why are things so hard? I see people smiling, enjoying things and living, and yet I am here drowning amongst them, hating myself and hating those things that are out of my reach--things that I will never be able to reach.

Oh my god. This is exactly how I feel. All I do is sit on the couch and go on the computer. I barely eat or sleep because I am completely consumed with my thoughts. Every now and again I force myself to go to therapy, but thats it. I'm having coffee this weekend with a guy who's sorta taking me under his wing, but i'm nervous as hell. I feel like everyone has got it together and i'm just some freak floating around. Just because of my head space.

All I can say is your not alone. I really hope things get better for you. Do you have a therapist? Psychiatrist?

Quote from: Pogopopez on May 09, 2013, 01:03:20 PM
All I can say is your not alone. I really hope things get better for you. Do you have a therapist? Psychiatrist?

No, and no. I couldn't afford either of those things, and I'm fairly certain I don't want to pay someone to care.

Quote from: Alice-blossom on May 08, 2013, 02:22:15 AM
I don't know what to do. Like clockwork, all of my regrets, shortcomings, failures and negative experiences just come rushing in to swallow me and make me wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow. I've amounted to nothing in life and I'm so tired of forcing myself through a day-by-day existence, with no motivation or energy to do anything. I'm desperately lonely and have no one, yet only want to disappear and be forgotten.
Why are things so hard? I see people smiling, enjoying things and living, and yet I am here drowning amongst them, hating myself and hating those things that are out of my reach--things that I will never be able to reach.

Alice I know what I am going to say may not help, but then again it may. Try to focus on the positive. If all you are focusing on is all your failures, shortcomings and negative experiences, all your thoughts will be negative and it won't fet any better. Believe me, I wake up every morning pissed off just because I woke up.

Start small, you are a human being. That is a positive. I assume you have two legs and two arms so you can walk and easily manipulate objects around you. That's a positive. When I start feeling the way you are I think of the Metalica song One. Go to YouTube and watch the video. Think how bad it would be to be no more than an earthworm. The song is about a soldier in one of the wars losing his sight, hearing, arms, and legs due to stepping on a landmine. That particular song just helps me look through all the clutter that tries to keep me down.

You said you have no one and are desperately lonely. Hell I'll trade places with you any time. I love to be alone I have never felt despair when I am truly alone. I am free to be who I am when I am alone. As a matter of fact, my therapist is befuddled when I tell him that I would be truly and ultimately happy to be the last person on the face of the earth. But here we go, one person's trash is another person's treasure or in theis case one person's hell is another person's heaven.

Quote from: Alice-blossom on May 09, 2013, 01:09:32 PM
No, and no. I couldn't afford either of those things, and I'm fairly certain I don't want to pay someone to care.

You don't have to pay me to care dear. I care and and clearly identify with the pain you feel, under different circumstances though. Therepy isn't really that expensive and all you may need to do is go one time and just let it our. By the way, you aren't paying them to care, as a mtter of fact you are paying them to be more of a nonjudgmental second person that maybe able to lead you in the right direction. I don't know where you are at or what kind of healthcare system you are into but a lot of time insurance will pay.

You sound so much like me and I'm slowly getting there but Please check out the therepy deal. Oh and by the way, all those smiling faces you see and those that act happy and so on, they are one footstep away from where you are at right now. We all need help every now and then. Those that say they don't have never faced a real crisis. I'm not talking about the normal crisises or crisees like death in the family, job loss and or other normal things that happen in life but rather major depression, GID, DID, anxiety disorders and so on. Like I said before everyone is just one footstep away from one of these or any other. Just some may be lucky enough to not step that way, for others like me, I stepped in the hole and fell flat on my face.