How did you go about it?  Why do you think your coming out turned out positive?  What did you say to ease any concerns or doubts?  How did you convince everyone that there is no other solution to your GID and that transitioning must happen? What do you think is best to avoid when broaching the subject?  In other words, how did you avoid negative experiences?

Sorry for all these questions.  Just looking for some tips because I am planning on coming out to my family sometime soon (well sometime within the next 30 days)

i think mine was positive. i got busted so that was how i came out. there was crying, yelling, more yelling and then crying and hugging in the end. all very Cuban haha
but i think it was ok for me because everyone kind of all ready knew 95% but were just in denial. for my dad that was the big thing and my mom was just like i tried to make him be a normal boy, whatever he does no is ok. you wanna be a girl go ahead she said. so i guess they were eased into it. kinda like how movie trailers ease you into the summer blockbusters sort of speak 

I think my coming out was positive.  Very supportive employer, colleagues, and because I work in a facility used by many different organizations I felt I had to inform all the key people in other the other organizations too.  All were supportive.  I had to endure many mis-pronouns over the course of the 5 years subsequently - and even some near misses to this day (usually from older colleagues) - but am also lucky that there has been "new blood" over the years, who only know me as I am

Family was an odd one.  Father died years before - though we were long estranged anyway.  I deemed my mother would be the most problematic, whilst my outgoing, world-savvy, Metro-minded sister would be my primary ally.  Well - I got that completely backwards as it turned out!  At first Mum was all "but you dont sound gay or camp" - but educated herself, and ran through in her mind several apparently unconnected incidents throughout my life had an epiphany and an "aaaaah." moment - whereas my sister struggled, and inflicted many a pronoun misuse on me for quite a while.

They key as it turned out was exposure, so to speak.  My sister and I live very far apart and hardly saw each other, and after I came out I was (and still am) in terror of my voice, and so would not willingly phone anyone.  It wasnt until my sister and I actually started interacting with each other in person that she began to understand and come around.

..and ofcourse most famously my partner and I got together in early 2006, but I literally dumped her (by text! oh the horror!) as I didn't feel it was fair to lead her down the path I was ultimately take.  What happened was that late that year we found ourselves drifting back together again, and I was totally upfront with her.  And lo, there was much bawling and hugging.  Turns out she was bi anyway, and here was me - the perfect package, lol.  Over the course of the following year I started to get organized for my full-time coming out to the world, and then did it in 2008, work, documents, ID, the lot.  Then and ONLY then did I inform family.  I wanted to make sure they knew I was serious, and not (I hoped!) making a mistake!  October 2008 my partner and I married

Negative experiences will happen.  I've been remarkably lucky, in that my only incidents are the rare mistaken pronoun.. and my own paranoia about my appearance/passing.  Not a lot I can do about the latter, but the former?  Be certain and confident in yourself - if only outwardly.  I honestly look back to that time when I came out, when I sent those emails - and I think ZOMG I was crazy, mad, brave to do it.  But I had to.  And here I am

I was 14, I remenber how it went just like a play

*we pull up in my dads truck to  tai kwon do practise*
Me: mom, dad. I think im transgender. Can I see a counsilor
mother: "what what do you mean?"
father: wtf did you just say?
me: I dont like being a boy
*father punchs me in the mouth*
father: Dont you ever say that again

4 days later while I was sleeping he snuck in my room and cut my pony tail off with gardening sheers

That's awful.  I think that's largely why I felt I had to wait until I was in my 30s (32) before I felt strong enough to transition, even tho the awareness began when I was about 11.  It was a different time ofcourse, and there are many horror stories from that time in the 80s and 90s for those who were brave enough to transition.

yep after that I pushed the feeling deep inside and tried to bury it. 3 suicide attempts later. I finally seeked help at age 25 and here I am. A new person who loves life.  My second time coming out was alot better, my mom learned about my issues in life it caused, and accepted me with open arms, and my father just kinda shrugged it off and is neither here nor there on it, so I consider my coming out neutral since I had a good one and a bad one

Teela that sounds traumatic. I hope you found supports outside of immediate family.

My coming out has been very positive thus far. I was most nervous telling my wife, and this week my mother. My friends are all class ( so far) and all seem to be accepting. Workmates I'm unsure how or when to tell yet. I didn't rehearse anything prior to telling anyone, so far it seems to have worked out.

As for people's questions well so far it goes to obvious places (are you straight or gay, what surgery, can I borrow some clothes, etc.) I answer most pretty openly because I am lucky enough to have supportive allies I've always been able to be open with. Good luck Learningtolive, and especially you Teela. Hope things really turn around for you.

Quote from: jamielikesyou on May 11, 2013, 01:56:49 PM
Teela that sounds traumatic. I hope you found supports outside of immediate family.

My coming out has been very positive thus far. I was most nervous telling my wife, and this week my mother. My friends are all class ( so far) and all seem to be accepting. Workmates I'm unsure how or when to tell yet. I didn't rehearse anything prior to telling anyone, so far it seems to have worked out.

As for people's questions well so far it goes to obvious places (are you straight or gay, what surgery, can I borrow some clothes, etc.) I answer most pretty openly because I am lucky enough to have supportive allies I've always been able to be open with. Good luck Learningtolive, and especially you Teela. Hope things really turn around for you.

that was at 14, im 26 now.  This time around its been great. Im living with a mtf who just has surgury day before yesterday. she took me in and helped me learn to be Teela, ive been on hormones for lil over 10 months, been full time for 3 weeks now.  I got alot of support now, and my father is slowly coming around. he wont call me   he or she, or my old name or teela, you just says You

I didnt expect my family to accept me,  I even changed my last name.  In retrospect, I was very very wrong!
I based all this, on expereinces when I was young.  Being corrected on gender behavior, being caught dressed as a girl, etc.

When I told my parents, I thought I would be disowned.  Sure there was LOTS of crying, but there was lots of HUGS.   I think to them, explained why I was such a depressed, solitary individual growing up.  Why I had such a bad view of life, and other low-self-esteam, and behaviors associated with that.

I came out to my father first,  I did something so stupid.  I had him meet me for lunch, and told him in a public place.  My poor dad, he's very masculine, and he was broken to tears in public.  He said he loves me first, and thats what counts, and why was I so afraid?  We ended up having to leave the restraunt.  Terrible way to come out, but positive outcome.

We then told my mom at home (he was there by my side).  We all cried, hugged, and I was TOTALLY accepted.  My parents then MADE me come out to the extended family!  I was ready to just hide from them forever.  I had to tell my grandparents!  My grandfather on my dads side, kinda just srugged, gave me a hug, and started calling me by my new name!  My mothers side (grandmother and father) behaved a bit strange.  They asked me crazy things like if someone brainwashed me, and all kinds of nonsense.  In the end they accepted me, especially after my parents, on their own voilition went and got informed, and joined pflag, and gave information to them.  My last remaining grandparent (moms mom) occasionally slips up still and calls me my birth name, but for the most part is very accepting.  My aunts and uncles all had their own reactions, all my aunts totally accepted me (both sides of the family).  I had one issue with an uncle on my moms side... but recently this past christmas, he appologized after 14 yrs, and we hugged and cried! Finally its all complete.

I came from a conservative and christian family in a small conservative town.  I had assumed all kinds of horrible things.  Yes, I assumed them based on earlier life experiences (my grandmother and my parents correcting gender behavior, ,my grandmother forcing me to get hair cuts, etc).

In the end, I paved the way for my younger brother (who came out gay).  Today, it may be a strange reunion at christmas thinking back to the conservative nature of my family.  My brother and his life partner, and me. 

Its been overwhelmingly positive.  I suppose outside of the family, its still been a bit of a secret.  (Towns folks and stuff).. but I havnt lived there in so long, it doesnt matter.  My mother and father never put pictures of me on their desk as an adult, and its caused lots of questions, but they are private people and tell others to mind their own business.  When my mother retired last christmas, we all went and did our first family portrait together since I was a kid.

Let this be a lesson!  You never know how it will go down, even if you grew up in the most conservative household, even if you were raised strict, dont even base it on previous expereinces as a child.

My parents love and accept me for who I am.  Even 14yrs later, my uncle has accepted me, and loves me, cried and appologized.  It makes me cry just thinking about it.  How lucky lucky I am to have my family.  I thought I was going to lose them all.


I also credit part of the help, due to the fact that for a short period at their church, there was a pastor there who had a pretty openminded view on transsexuality.  Unfortuantly after he left the next pastor was extreamly anti gay.  This drove my mother away from there.  My mother also stoped voting republican because of all the hate she would receive in the mail.   

Thanks everyone for your input

Quote from: Teela Renee on May 11, 2013, 01:29:58 PM
I was 14, I remenber how it went just like a play

*we pull up in my dads truck to  tai kwon do practise*
Me: mom, dad. I think im transgender. Can I see a counsilor
mother: "what what do you mean?"
father: wtf did you just say?
me: I dont like being a boy
*father punchs me in the mouth*
father: Dont you ever say that again

4 days later while I was sleeping he snuck in my room and cut my pony tail off with gardening sheers

In a way this is my big fear.  I don't think my parents will hurt me physically, but I fear they will do their best to stop me.  My mom always threatens to cut off my hair (especially when I had it below the shoulders) and I'm always afraid that she would actually do it to "protect me".  I just don't need anyone trying to stop me from making any progress in my transition.  That's why I want coming out to go smoothly.  Since I have no place to go if I can't transition at home, I need at least some kind of reluctant acceptance.  So, I am just trying to find a way to come out that will maximize my success ratio,lol.  Still, come what may.

Sorry you had to go through that Teela.

What really helped my coming out go well, I think, was that I focused on how transition was healing for me.  I also got to the point with my coming outs that I'd just write it incidentally in e-mails like:

Blah Blah... Halloween.  Blah Blah.  This thing at work...Blah I'm transgender [short details].

So I made it a positive deal, but not a big deal.  Sure for people like my parents I went in more detail so they could know what I'd been hiding from them.  Close friends too.  But for everyone else, I accentuated the positive and I got replies in the vein of, "You're happy and I'm happy for you."  I did get one reply saying, "I'm sure it's harder than you're letting on." To which I admitted, yes, transition is hard but on the whole transition challenges are less than what I was putting up with from trying to pretend to be a guy.  That settled that.

I also knew I had to transition when I stared coming out to those who mattered most to me.  That way when I came out there was no opportunity for anyone to try and "help" me by offering me alternative ideas.  They saw that a decision had been made, I was happier for it, so they typically became my cheerleaders.  Yes my dad hasn't talked to me since January, but I know that's due to his issues, not mine.

Good luck to you OP with the coming out soon!

And indeed Teela, that was a horrible thing to go through.   Glad you're doing better!

Mine has been hugely positive. I ended up coming out in an email (largely because I wanted to hit all the family at once and because I was also living in the US while the rest of the family was in various parts of Canada). My father stopped talking to me but that wasn't a huge deal since he wasn't large in my life for the most part and didn't like it when I started dating women (pre-transition). He's a conservative Catholic who thinks that Harper is the next coming. (if you're Canadian, you'll understand). That said, the rest of my family (all on my mom's side) where hugely supportive, even my 80+ grandmother. Here and one of my aunt's concern wasn't about the transition, as they wanted me to be happy. It was about the medical and was I making sure to see a doctor regularly to ensure my liver would be ok, that I could do the shots and such. Both of them are/were nurses so their concern was more of an honest medical concern than anything.  Today, I receive "Happy B-day, Grandson" cards and people guffaw that I look like one of my uncles (I do; I'm kind of a mini-me version of him -- which is fine). 

Work is extremely supportive. So much so that this year they got $50,000 lifetime coverage for GRS in their health care. I'm trying to figure out how I can use it towards bottom surgery and how to begin that process.

The first person I came out to was a friend who happens to be FTM, so that was the easy part. 

With respect to my immediate family, the circle consists of my mother and that's it. My therapist actually prompted me to come out to my mom after a month or two of therapy. Seeing as my mother has a degree in psychology and has close friends across the entire LGBT spectrum, this seemed like a safe idea – and turns out it was. I basically told her while we chatting over tea and sitting on the couch in my apartment. 'twas a long talk, as these things tend to be, and while she went off to do some research on her own in order to fully understand the implications, she was very accepting and supportive right from the start.

Next up are some of my closest friends, but seeing as they've been hinting at something along these lines (i.e. that my turning rather androgynous might have something to do with a bigger change  ), I am somewhat confident that they'll at least be okay with it. They will be told in person over a casual dinner that we have once a week.

Everyone else will have to be patient, as my extended family is quite a distance away, and will be told round about at the time of my social transition. My managers in the office will be notified a few months prior to that due to company policy for this sort of thing (yes, we have one, including email announcement templates and all that good stuff); although I might tell a few co-workers whom I am also close friends with a bit earlier than my first day of coming to work as a woman.

It seems like writing a letter is not a bad idea.  Yet, I live with my mom, so that will be awkward.  I guess I could hand her the letter and then go in my room,lol.  Seriously though, I probably will give her the letter and leave for some time for her to absorb it. 

I am glad people have some positive stories. Thank you for sharing because it does make me feel better and gives me hope.

Quote from: Theo on May 12, 2013, 05:36:18 PM
The first person I came out to was a friend who happens to be FTM, so that was the easy part. 

With respect to my immediate family, the circle consists of my mother and that's it. My therapist actually prompted me to come out to my mom after a month or two of therapy. Seeing as my mother has a degree in psychology and has close friends across the entire LGBT spectrum, this seemed like a safe idea – and turns out it was. I basically told her while we chatting over tea and sitting on the couch in my apartment. 'twas a long talk, as these things tend to be, and while she went off to do some research on her own in order to fully understand the implications, she was very accepting and supportive right from the start.

Next up are some of my closest friends, but seeing as they've been hinting at something along these lines (i.e. that my turning rather androgynous might have something to do with a bigger change  ), I am somewhat confident that they'll at least be okay with it. They will be told in person over a casual dinner that we have once a week.

Everyone else will have to be patient, as my extended family is quite a distance away, and will be told round about at the time of my social transition. My managers in the office will be notified a few months prior to that due to company policy for this sort of thing (yes, we have one, including email announcement templates and all that good stuff); although I might tell a few co-workers whom I am also close friends with a bit earlier than my first day of coming to work as a woman.

Awesome!  I am glad your mom supports you.  That's exactly what I'm hoping for.

As for friends, if you are close and they love you, I wouldn't worry too much about it.  My friends have been incredibly supportive and I'm glad that I have come out to them.  Seriously, they are not just friends to me anymore.  They are part of my family and it is so amazing to have that level of support.  I'm hoping you will have the same experience when you come out to your friends.

My coming out was all over the place throughout the years.
The first time I came out to someone one, I was in 4th grade in a private Christian school. I told two girls in my class after weeks of attempts and being scared. They were very accepting of it, they didn't really understand why, but they were ok with it.

My mother found out when I was in 6th grade, but this time I was in a public school with all new classmates. I wanted to be a girl so bad, but I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone so I turned to writing everything down at school and hiding it in my binder. one day my mother went through my binder and found it and we had a talk. it went very well, but I wish she would have asked me if I wanted to see a therapist then as people get better results from hormones if they start that young.

after I told my mother, well, had her find out, I suppressed it so deep and I tried my best to find ways to distract me. I thought mind over matter would suffice. I think we all know how well that works. in my last two years of high school, I came out to a few friends and they were supportive. I wanted to do a transition, but was way to scared what my family and other friends would think of me. I also came out to my brothers in 12th grade and for the most part, are supportive.

when I was 21, I told my father. I am scared to death of talking to him about my problems that the only way that I could do it was by giving him a letter and telling him to read it. We talked through e-mail and it was obvious that he was hurt, that he thought that maybe he failed as a parent, but later he understood, but I go the impression, that as long as it makes me happy, he doesn't care.

Even after coming out to all these people, all the acceptance that I have had, I was too scared to do it out of fear of being rejected and out-casted by my family, and extended family, as well as my friends. it wasn't until a few months ago, I came out to a few more friends, and had them talk to me, and actually get through my stubborn thick skull that I got the courage to see a therapist. With the therapists help, I was able to get some clarity, confidence, assurance, and also realize that a transition is what I must do. I have started to do make over with some girl friends. and I haven't been happier in my life.

It took a therapist to get me to realize that if I always live in fear, and care more about what people think than what is going to make me happy, than I will always be unhappy. I see now that I am gifted with so many supporters, so many people who are eager to help, people who ask me if I want to do make overs with them. I am also know and accept that I might lose people but I will gain friends as well. All I know is, ever since I have been honest to myself, I stopped hiding, and I have been going to see a therapist and things have gotten better. The people who I came out to who I see everyday, we are closer than ever. People who don't know who I work with, or see often are even treating me differently. they are nicer, we talk more, the open up to me now,  we engage in more in depth conversations, and they care about me more. So all around, people can tell that I am happier.

I think I am pretty lucky so far, and I am just starting and just waiting for my HRT to start.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 11, 2013, 11:22:49 AM
How did you go about it?

I did it in person, one by one with my immediate family / closest friends. Then I delegated most of the rest to them, so I wouldn't have to do it over and over.

I wanted that personal, physical connection. I wanted them to see how hard it was for me. To see my stress and my tears and my fear. To feel my body shaking when they hugged me. I think it helped a lot. Especially with my dad. A letter is just so formal and impersonal.

QuoteWhy do you think your coming out turned out positive?

A lot of it had to do with who my family is. My mother is a researcher for a labour union. My dad is a professor of social work. My sister is a playwright. My best friend is an artist... etc. My background is just really progressive. Everyone already knew what transsexualism was, pretty much, and was predisposed to being supportive.

On top of that, it didn't come as a big shock to anyone. A lot of the response I got was "well that makes sense." I think it's easier for those of us who fit the stereotype of "showing signs." And then I was really dangerously depressed before coming out, so a lot of the people in my life were actually rather relieved that there was a solution, and I wasn't going to kill myself.

Also, I had built up a lot of... credibility, I guess I'd say. I'm not a rash person with big decisions. The people in my life know that I'm careful, intelligent, self-aware, and responsible. When I said, "This is who I am, I'm sure," they didn't really question it.

QuoteWhat did you say to ease any concerns or doubts?

I talked a lot about how I'd still be the same person, not that much would really change, etc. Which actually ended up being crap, I'm entirely different now. But people prefer the new version so it worked out.

"It isn't your fault, there wasn't anything you could have done, everything is going to be okay," was a good line to use a few times. There can be a lot of guilt--for not seeing it earlier, for not stopping it, for not saving you somehow from the loneliness and misery of it.

I also tried to frame it as a positive thing. This is a solution to how bad things have been with me. Things are finally going to start getting better. Etc.

QuoteHow did you convince everyone that there is no other solution to your GID and that transitioning must happen?

Again, I solved this with framing. I'd already been seeing a gender therapist. I had an appointment to begin HRT 2 weeks after I told them. So I presented it as, "this is the issue, this is what I'm doing to fix it." There was never really any room for doubt or questioning. I'd already made my decisions; they could come with me or not. I didn't include anyone in the decision-making process at all.

QuoteWhat do you think is best to avoid when broaching the subject?  In other words, how did you avoid negative experiences?

Everything. For me I went super simple. I started seeing a therapist on X date, I've been diagnosed with gender identity disorder, I'm starting hormone therapy on X date, I'm a girl. Then we cried and hugged, and I answered some questions, in simple, straight forward language. I think people sometimes make it too complicated, and too convoluted and just plain too long. Get to the point, deal with the fallout. Whether you played with dolls when you were 3? Who cares. That isn't what it's about.

I particularly tried to avoid talking too much about the medical side of things. My parents especially had enough trauma from dealing with my chronic pain condition. And no parent wants to hear about all the risks and pain and trauma of transition. And I tried to keep it not too long. About an hour, then we went and did something else together.

QuoteSorry for all these questions.  Just looking for some tips because I am planning on coming out to my family sometime soon (well sometime within the next 30 days)

Best of luck! Hope it goes super well.

I myself have found it easy to come out to friends
the first time I came out was in 7th grade
well really they found out because the way I was acting
so they asked me if I was transgender and I said yes
we then became best friends for years
and all my friends that know, we have grow closer because they know that I am trans
right now I have like 10 friends
and 7 of them know that I am trans
family on the other hand was hard to come out to
because I knew how they would react
and they could make my life hell if they wanted to
so I kept it from them for years
and all that did was make me worse
I got depressed, not a social person, and had mental brake downs because I was living a lie
and it got to the point of me cutting and trying to kill myself
so I got up the nerve to tell them that I was trans and wanted to go full time
and all my parents did was condemn me
they said it was a sin, that it was just a phase and I would get over it
and they just ignored me and did not do anything to help me
it killed me on the inside and ever made me worse
my cousins on the other hand accepted me and want me to move in with them so they could help me
at least some of my family accepts me tho
most of my experiences coming out were positive
but the one that really mattered and could have made my life better was negative
and still after a million cuts and 3 or 4 suicide attempts (I have really lost count)
I still have hope that in the end everyone will accept us for who we really are

may people open up their eyes and see our true beauty
for then there will be no such thing as a bad experience when coming out

Quote from: learningtolive on May 12, 2013, 11:10:40 PM
Awesome!  I am glad your mom supports you.  That's exactly what I'm hoping for.

Indeed it turned out quite well. As my mother still has quite a few clothes that no longer quite fit her, but are my size (despite an 11cm / 4in difference in height - BMI <19 ftw  ), we spent about 4 hours last Sunday with me trying on all sorts of costumes, jackets, pants, and skirts, trying to find some nice outfits that I can wear in the office come autumn.

She is actually slightly miffed that she never simply put a dress on me as a little kid, as I did seem interested, but admittedly my father might have had an ... interesting ... reaction. 

I've recently came out to my family and they are very supportive, my brother and mum especially

My dad has known for a long time too, so I think he's accepted me alot more easily than I though he might. I think everyone in the family has this denial thing for so long or they think it was a phase but now I'm happy being me and re-discovering all the things I liked doing when I was younger and the things I've missed out on too. I'm able to accept myself too, I have boobs instead of a flat chest, the bra I wear wasn't comfortable at first but now fits like a glove and I feel happy about that <3

Can't wait till Thursday xx

There are a lot of positive and negative stories across the spectrum, and of course each of our families and friends receive the news a bit differently. In my case I tried to remember to be compassionate to those I was coming out to. In other words I planned out what I was going to say about myself, but I also included things like "I know this probably isn't easy to hear or understand, and I want you to know I don't have any expectations for you. But I would very much like to remain your friend through all this" or something similar. I told people how much I loved and respected them. I tried to be very firm in my intentions and gently explained to them that there was no other option for me, but I also tried to remember that the person I was coming out to was going to need to go through a transition of their own. Some of them had serious fears for me and were very worried (a couple staged full interventions). I tried to demonstrate to them that I loved and accepted them and very much wanted to maintain the relationship with them. I had a few people email me after saying, "I just realized that you've been the one supporting me in dealing with this, but I want to support you too." Of the two that staged interventions, one friend eventually changed his mind and we are still in touch, the other distanced himself - but in a peaceful and respectful way.

I came out to my parents first, then brother and sister, then started with very close friends that I could trust. I planned out my speech to them and memorized the talking points. Once I had about 20 people I had come out to I wrote a public letter and published it. I asked those 20 people to please post a message of support for me right after I posted that public letter. These people really helped there to be some positive momentum around my public coming out.

I obsessively planned and thought about my coming out for months and it went really well. Each person has their own way of doing things though and so this might not work for everyone or it might seem too tedious. But I definitely found that conversations even with difficult people went well if I thought about what I was going to say and then tried to exemplify support, acceptance, and compassion to them while I was coming out to them. I just tried to treat them how I wanted them to treat me and in my case it worked out well. I did lose some friends, but I retained most of them.