So, I am not sure if I can put my thoughts into the proper words, but I shall try!
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene? It sounds like a harsh question, and it is in a way, and really reflects my very low self esteem.

Needless to say, I feel like this. Why? Mainly because I'm trans, and will never be a fully functional male. On top of that I'll be a very short guy. Of course, this does not mean that I am per default less. But when it comes to love, to me, it does feel like it.

Cis people already have a hard time finding that one and only person, right? It's all about filters. You have this huge pool of single people, potential mates. Then the first filter applies: Do you like men or women? Second filter applies: what do you like personality wise? Another filter: What are you attracted to. All these filters add up. One of the biggest and hardest filters is of course that the person likes you back, both physically and mentally.

And the latter is where I struggle. I got a feeling it is already very hard to find that one person. But for trans people, we have an extra, very large filter. Being trans. Not a lot of people are cool with that and this makes it extra hard to find someone. This is why I got the feeling that when I would finally find someone who accepts that and likes me, I do not have the right to be picky and 'grab' what is offered to me.

But seeing that I already failed to fall in love with someone when I was in girly mode, I see this as rather impossible. Apparently, I am too picky for my own good. I had some guys like me, but I never liked them back. Now, when I transition, very few guys will like me and the chance someone does and I like that person back just seems non existent to me.

So yeah...I am feeling very blue about my chances to find true love. I know its all about finding that one person and there is someone out there for everybody, but to me it just seems impossible and improbable that I find this person.

Especially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.

Anyone else feels like this? Sorry if this topic has been discussed before, and also sorry for the semi-rant.

Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
So, I am not sure if I can put my thoughts into the proper words, but I shall try!
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene? It sounds like a harsh question, and it is in a way, and really reflects my very low self esteem.

I don't feel that way. I mean, I may end up settling for less than true love for the time being, but they've still got to be hot (to me anyway). I do regret that it's more difficult to have casual, random type sex though.

But I'm probably older than you and have already had successful relationships, true love and all that. If I fall in love again, it'll just be icing on the cake. I think most widowers (which I pretty much am, if not legally) feel similarly. I already had to face the fact I may never really love anyone again. I'm just now starting to feel ready for something again. And I'm not at all worried about being picky or anything. I've always been pretty confident in this area, so don't see why that should change now.
I totally get why some people just need a certain organ attached to their partner and if they're looking for that, they're not looking for me.

QuoteEspecially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.

I have a pre-op mtf friend doing the same as your brother only with girls. Most the girls had never dated a trans woman before. A dating site is a good way to go because you can disclose to potential dates and if they're not interested, no big deal. Plenty of others will be.

Yeah, it's harder as a trans person. But plenty of cis people get turned down for reasons beyond their control like height, weight, looks, religion, etc. No matter what strikes are against you, you can always work on making yourself a better catch. Work on being happy with yourself. Confidence always helps.

Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
Especially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.

Anyone else feels like this? Sorry if this topic has been discussed before, and also sorry for the semi-rant.

My brother is very much the same type.
I used to be very jelous of him, His goodlooking, more tain, taller, has a fine job, and used to be a big womenizer who could get pretty much every pretty girl and very popular and outgoing around the city.

I don't feel that jelous of him anymore as I used to do, because I feel me and my brother are 2 very diffrent people in diffrent states in our life, so we can't really be compared because we know diffrent people and have diffrent talents and difficult parts.
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I doubt that dating people every week seams as a good thing. For getting laid it might be good, but if we talk "true love" dating another one every second week sound not to be someone who have the best luck.
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I dont think transgenders have less right to be picky, than cisgender, however being picky isnt really a good thing so I dont think its something to be longing for. I would prefern being sceptical, so if it dosent feels right its not right, I dont think anyone is perfect, and I dont belive the "true love" nessesarry is 1 person who last forever in the life, But I belive if you find someone then they will have there up and down, if your too picky to long after the "perfect person" you will look forever, but if you just look for someone who feels right, and worth then you pretty much found what you looking for.

I think from the "outside" transgenders may seem harder in a way, because people usunally are scared of whats diffrent, and transgender people are often also scared of the reaction. I must admit I been rejected by people for being transgender, however those people hardly knew me, For people who know me as a person being transgender generally isnt that much of a deal, in a way it might even be a positive thing because it open up for some deep topics who is good to discuss and can bring people closer, insteed of this akward sillence.

I will say I feel pretty much the same way.  Wondering if the love thing will ever happen.  I am older and have always been interested in finding someone that is mtf.  Thinking we have the trans thing in common so let's see what else we have in common.  Not looking to put mtf's in a box here, but the one's I have dealt with keep telling me I am too masculine. They all say, "you are such a nice guy, wish you were more feminine."  Huh??? 

Quote from: mowdan6 on May 11, 2013, 03:29:32 PM
I will say I feel pretty much the same way.  Wondering if the love thing will ever happen.  I am older and have always been interested in finding someone that is mtf.  Thinking we have the trans thing in common so let's see what else we have in common.  Not looking to put mtf's in a box here, but the one's I have dealt with keep telling me I am too masculine. They all say, "you are such a nice guy, wish you were more feminine."  Huh???

Odd. I'd wonder if those ladies you're talking about are lesbian and/or interested in ftms because of our perceived feminine attributes.

I do know a lot of great mtf ladies.  But as I mentioned, they always tell me I am too masculine for them.  And not sure how masculine or feminine we are perceived to be.  For myself, yea, I know.  I am masculine.  I have always been very upfront with that.  And I do find that the mtf's I know want a more feminine person.  Guess that is something I don't understand.  If you are looking for a feminine person, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?

Being picky usually pertains to someone's attractiveness more than their personality. I think there are people we're compatible with and those we're not. That is regardless of the physical attributes of an individual. The most "picky" people I have known are generally single more often than those who judge potential mates based on personality compatibility instead of if they think the person is hot or not. I'm not suggesting anyone date an ogre but I am suggesting that people look beyond their preconceived notions of what their partner should be.

Nobody wants to end up with someone who is a bad person morally and being trans doesn't mean that you're any more likely to end up with a mentally unstable person anymore than a cis person. Do be prepared that there are cis people who may love you in every way until they find out your trans history (which is impossible to hide in most instances and especially so pre op). That's ok though. It doesn't make them bad people if they don't want a trans partner. There are plenty of reasons that someone doesn't want to date someone but being trans is high on that list for a lot of people. It's just something we live with.

From personal experience I can tell you that looks aren't everything and they eventually fade. Finding someone who your heart is attracted to is far more important. Yeah, Yeah, I know I sound extremely sappy and cliche' but it's true. I've dated some stereotypically beautiful women who were rotten to the core and not so beautiful girls with a heart of gold. I'd much rather have a plain Jane with a heart of gold.

Quote from: mowdan6 on May 11, 2013, 03:54:49 PM
If you are looking for a feminine person, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?

Well, feminine ftm's seem to be more out and in the open these days. The sensitive types who are in touch with their feminine side that they carried over from being FAAB. I think a lot of women think that all transguys are more sensitive than cis men.

No, I'm not saying that trans masculine men are jerks or whatever (Being masculine has nothing to do with being a butthole). My gf can tell you that I am very masculine but I also treat her well. I may be wrong but mtf's (or even lesbians who will date transguys) who only want a feminine transguy may have issues with masculinity based on how they were treated in the past by a masculine cis male.

Just my take on it.

Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
So, I am not sure if I can put my thoughts into the proper words, but I shall try!
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene? It sounds like a harsh question, and it is in a way, and really reflects my very low self esteem.

Needless to say, I feel like this. Why? Mainly because I'm trans, and will never be a fully functional male. On top of that I'll be a very short guy. Of course, this does not mean that I am per default less. But when it comes to love, to me, it does feel like it.

Cis people already have a hard time finding that one and only person, right? It's all about filters. You have this huge pool of single people, potential mates. Then the first filter applies: Do you like men or women? Second filter applies: what do you like personality wise? Another filter: What are you attracted to. All these filters add up. One of the biggest and hardest filters is of course that the person likes you back, both physically and mentally.

And the latter is where I struggle. I got a feeling it is already very hard to find that one person. But for trans people, we have an extra, very large filter. Being trans. Not a lot of people are cool with that and this makes it extra hard to find someone. This is why I got the feeling that when I would finally find someone who accepts that and likes me, I do not have the right to be picky and 'grab' what is offered to me.

But seeing that I already failed to fall in love with someone when I was in girly mode, I see this as rather impossible. Apparently, I am too picky for my own good. I had some guys like me, but I never liked them back. Now, when I transition, very few guys will like me and the chance someone does and I like that person back just seems non existent to me.

So yeah...I am feeling very blue about my chances to find true love. I know its all about finding that one person and there is someone out there for everybody, but to me it just seems impossible and improbable that I find this person.

Especially when I look at my brother. He has got a good job, is good looking and when he's on a dating site, he has at least two dates a week with guys who are intelligent, nice and attractive. It just makes me very sad that this will never happen to me just because I was born with a stupid girl body.

Anyone else feels like this? Sorry if this topic has been discussed before, and also sorry for the semi-rant.

This is how I exactly feel.  I'm pretty much a "take whoever you can get" type of person.  Sometimes I think if I even were to find someone then automatically every future argument we have I will just let them win because they didn't have to be with me.  I've done this in the past with people I've dated online.  Yeah, talk about low-self esteem.  On top of being trans, I do have a lot of other undersirable factors both physically and mentally.   I'm pretty much a hot mess. It sucks knowing I will never be 100 percent biological male though.  Stupid x sperm, why did I have to be the winner?

Heck even when I identifid as cis, I had an extremely hard time finding someone. 


I would like to find a woman and eventually marry but for now, I just do the not so healthy thing.  I repress those feelings and pretend like they don't bother me until I can get at least halfway into my transition.



At least playing video games will help me forget.

Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 10:29:58 AM
How many of you have the feeling that you do not have a right to be picky at all when it comes to the love scene?

I made a lot of mistakes settling with people in the past. Never again. If I don't want to date someone, I don't. I would rather be single than be with someone I don't want to be with.
We all have the right to be as picky as we want to. Yeah, it does affect our chances of getting a date, but how picky you are can depend on your priorities. What is most important to you in a relationship? How important is it to you to have a relationship?
I'd recommend building up healthy self esteem before dating since that increases your chances of attracting healthier people and having a healthier relationship.

Thanks for the replies so far, guys!

QuoteBeing picky usually pertains to someone's attractiveness more than their personality.

For me, this is not entirely true. Sure, I would like someone good looking, but I also want someone who is smart and well educated. Yup, told you....picky.

QuoteAt least playing video games will help me forget.

Funny  how I do exactly the same!

QuoteI would rather be single than be with someone I don't want to be with.

As much as I agree with you on this, I do feel like I'm missing out. All my friends are hooking up, or at least have had long term relationships. Not me. I never had someone to share my life with. I have always been alone. Being alone has its upsides, but to never experience a significant other just feels...empty to me. It's an experience I really miss right now.

I am hoping that I will feel better when I finally transitioned and look like a guy. Maybe I can not be open about my trans status right away then, and try to find a nice guy and tell him later. But right now, I don't see this happening anytime soon, and I'm not getting any younger.

Quote from: Malachite on May 11, 2013, 04:21:42 PM

This is how I exactly feel.  I'm pretty much a "take whoever you can get" type of person.  Sometimes I think if I even were to find someone then automatically every future argument we have I will just let them win because they didn't have to be with me. 

This post made me really sad, Malachite. 

Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 04:31:18 PM
Thanks for the replies so far, guys!

For me, this is not entirely true. Sure, I would like someone good looking, but I also want someone who is smart and well educated. Yup, told you....picky.

Are you smart and well educated?

A lot of the time people are attracted to like minded and driven individuals.

Remember, just because you get with someone who isn't currently educated that can always change. As long as the person has goals and aspires to better themselves. I'm experiencing that in my own life. My gf has one year of College left and I'm just entering College this Fall. When we first started dating we were both High School dropouts. Things can change and if you really like someone I'd give them a chance regardless of their educational background.

Quote from: Simon on May 11, 2013, 04:40:35 PM

Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 04:31:18 PM
Thanks for the replies so far, guys!

For me, this is not entirely true. Sure, I would like someone good looking, but I also want someone who is smart and well educated. Yup, told you....picky.

Are you smart and well educated?

A lot of the time people are attracted to like minded and driven individuals.

Remember, just because you get with someone who isn't currently educated that can always change. As long as the person has goals and aspires to better themselves. I'm experiencing that in my own life. My gf has one year of College left and I'm just entering College this Fall. When we first started dating we were both High School dropouts. Things can change and if you really like someone I'd give them a chance regardless of their educational background.

This. You never know about people.

Quite true. Perhaps it is more about potential and motivation. And yes, I have been told I am smart, and I am about to finish a Master of science degree, so I think I am rather well educated.

I think I am looking too much at my brother. I want to be able to do what he is doing. He can 'test and taste'  the market, so to say. And no, I am not talking about sex. He can date and get to know many guys, and then see if he likes someone. He can do that because people give him that chance. They want to go on dates with him, after all. I am not even given that first chance, and probably never will. That's probably why I feel like some others here: When someone finally shows interest, I have to put my preferences aside and take what I can get, unless the person would be an utter jerk.

Quote from: Mr.X on May 11, 2013, 04:51:51 PM
Quite true. Perhaps it is more about potential and motivation. And yes, I have been told I am smart, and I am about to finish a Master of science degree, so I think I am rather well educated.

I think I am looking too much at my brother. I want to be able to do what he is doing. He can 'test and taste'  the market, so to say. And no, I am not talking about sex. He can date and get to know many guys, and then see if he likes someone. He can do that because people give him that chance. They want to go on dates with him, after all. I am not even given that first chance, and probably never will. That's probably why I feel like some others here: When someone finally shows interest, I have to put my preferences aside and take what I can get, unless the person would be an utter jerk.

Are you already putting yourself out there and finding this or are you just afraid this will happen? I'm not up on your situation so, when you mean you don't even get a first chance, are you transitioned/passing yet?

Yes of course people are picky, that's why they're dating and on dating sites to begin with.

The problem is of course is that a bad date or an experience causes them to apply more filters and to end up even pickier so that eventually nobody gets through the filters, beyond a couple of dates, and no meaningful relationship ever gets developed.

Another problem is that if some of these people on these dating sites applied their filters to themselves they'd fall way short of expectations.

Then if it's gay dating you also have the issues of 'real' and 'fake', voice verification, heterosexual couples trolling for a third, and a few people looking for someone who they can be dysfunctional with.

Sometimes you run across people who claim to be divorced and you wonder whether it's from reality.

Bottom line is usually you only ever need one person to be in a relationship with, and if you've reached that stage then the filters don't really matter.

I've reached the stage in life where I'm okay alone and have a handful of friends who make life a bit more meaningful and enjoyable.

I am pre everything, but I am being seen as a guy more often now.

And I have tried a dating site, being honest about my trans status (that I was FtM, not how far along I was) and I got zero reactions. I could see a lot of gay guys checking out my profile (about 30 guys a week) but none of them sent even a friendly message. I got a feeling they read the profile, then get to the trans part and move on. So you could say that the not being given a chance thing is already happening.

Did you post a pic? I hear no-pic profiles don't get responses.
Other than that, if you pass well enough maybe withhold the trans info for a bit. I think there are a lot of people out there who have never considered dating a trans person and think they never would but might change their mind if they already liked the person.

For instance, I prefer brunettes. I'd probably overlook a profile of a blonde because that's not what I'm looking for. But if I met a really nice girl who happened to be blonde, I might change my mind.

I will also say that I have tried all the trans dating web sites.  And any mtf that I have contacted...get the same thing...."I want someone more feminine,"  Well, if that is what you want, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?