Toward an Understanding
There seems to be an area of common agreement among various transvestites regarding strict categorization of certain specific emotions into "male" and "female" identification. While most: people seem to be fairly comfortable with feeling a wide range of emotions as their "norm", with no particular identification of those emotions as to specific gender, the transvestite seems to, quite consciously, apply definitions clearly identifying "male" and "female" emotions and feelings, and somehow determines that they are or are not acceptable for each sex to feel and/or express.
The first and obvious conclusion about this would be to immediately point the finger at Mommy and Daddy; who may have indelibly impressed this distinction upon a young mind. However, it isn't only Mommy and Daddy who insist on this very artificial and arbitrary dictum: society, as a whole, promulgates and promotes it, to one or another.
Why then, isn't every little boy going to grow up to be a crossdresser? Simply because every human being differs in every respect- -and this applies to parents as well as children. There are probably more individual differences in emotional make-up than there are physical differences, and everyone knows that there are myriad variations on the human theme.
Let us then consider a hypothetical little boy. For reasons of genetic influences, he is obviously masculine, bright, alert, sensitive, artistic, gentle, expressive, and emotional. He can even be large and aggressive but he has the entire range of human feelings right along with it. And the first thing he is taught is: Boys do not cry, girls can cry. Boys do not act emotional ... anger is the only approved of feeling; boys are tough, and so on. The list is endless, and in order to gain approval, he must suppress the gentleness, the sensitivity, the artistic, and the emotional responses that are inherent in his make-up. At the same time, he usually discovers that girls are sweet, boys are nasty. Girls have to be babied and taken care of by males. Girls can hug; males must slap each other on the back. In general, the message is that girls have it made.
Now, just suppose that this particular little boy is very needful of gentle, loving handling. He needs cuddling more than another child, male or female, might. His needs are 'human' needs, with no gender identification at all, but he is immediately rebuffed with the reminder of his gender being given as the reason why he must not expect to have his need fulfilled. Children observe and form conclusions. Little girls obviously receive special attention and privileges. They wear pretty things. They are protected from everything, including nasty male aggression.
If this hypothetical little boy had his choice, he would rather be a girl ... and who in the world could blame him for at that conclusion? However, this is not an acceptable feeling either, and the slightest indication that he might feel that way immediately draws parental fire. One more guilt for feeling something that is not approved of by his ultimate authority, in this case, his parents.
One must understand that this is a young little boy. He does not begin to know why and how his feelings occur. He will probably never fully and consciously remember them, but they are there, and they will continue to be reinforced every day. Girls are something special, boys are simply tolerated and expected to perform all kinds of things that girls are not, most of them distasteful in one way or another. It comes to mind. in particular, that if a little boy and a little girl are confronted with a big. nasty-looking spider, the little girl is permitted to run and scream; the little boy is expected to kill it, even though he wants to run and scream, too. If he runs and screams, he is called "sissy"~ and thoroughly disapproved of.
There is no doubt that the anger and resentment over this obvious inequity in treatment is deep and enduring. One can hear this underlying theme in every conversation with a transvestite male. It is not so much a resentment of females, themselves, (something to be sought after), but rather an anger about the perceived prerogatives and privileges of females, their power over males, their pampered and protected position in the world.
There is a rather strange corollary here, too. While the adult male transvestite clearly and logically understands that females do NOT have all the icing on the cake of life, they persist in clinging to the little boy's idea that the best and only way to be is female. While everyone has, from time to time, wished casually that they could be of the opposite sex, this little boy is not casual. It has become permanent and fixed in his mind, but at this point, he is not a transvestite and may never become one unless certain other triggering incidents occur at fairly specific times in his 4evelopment.
To this point in our hypothetical little boy's life, the interaction has been between himself and his special human needs, and his parents, particularly his mother, who is probably a very decent, loving woman who hasn't the vaguest idea that she is missing the boat with this child. In all probability, she
is really trying to raise her son to be a little gentleman with females, trying to instill in him a respect and admiration for them, while encouraging him to be a real little man, forgoing all his inherent characteristic to do so.
Now as to the triggering incidents. Sexual behavior and preferences can be, and are, influenced by something call the 'imprinting process.' This is especially true for males and can be the root cause of deviations in sexual behavior and fetishism of various kinds. For whatever reason, females, in great part, do not seem to be particularly susceptible to the imprinting process that can result in fetishism; this seems to fall in the realm of male sexual behavior. Further, children exhibit sexual behavior and responses at a very early age. Anyone who has changed a little boy baby is aware of this response. It is purely physical in nature, but pleasurable nonetheless. These responses continue throughout childhood, without particular thought or even consciousness of them. Even in very young children, masturbating activities occur, tough not to a climax, giving a general overall pleasurable feeling.
And it can be conjectured that somewhere here within the imprintable stage of his development, our hypothetical little boy discovers, quire by accident, that some article of female clothing provides sensual pleasure. Understand that this child doesn't have the slightest idea of what sex is; he has simply found something that feels pleasurable, something that produces tactile pleasure when he is in contact with it. And this happens at such an early age that our little boy does not even remember it. But he will always feel sensual pleasure when he is in contact with that particular item, and never really know why, but he has been imprinted for life.
Why does our little boy discover the pleasure in female garments? Because he is already predisposed because he believes that being female is the best way to be. He will be the little boy most apt to be interested in female clothing; he will be the little boy most apt to want to try it on to emulate the female. And he will be the little boy who, upon seeing himself in a mirror dressed as a female, will feel that it is right and proper for him, no matter what the rest of the world thinks, and at this point the rest of the is his family. Because of the outraged disapproval surrounding this, should he be found out, his secret life begins, and living a secret life can be a terrible burden, one that exacts a terrible price mentally and emotionally,
There comes a point when our little boy clearly remembers the things that happen. He is growing and developing. He is becoming interested in sex, and sexual arousal usually occurs in context with female clothing; he will clearly remember the first incident of dressing and masturbating to climax. A kind of repetitive pattern then develops, repeated over and over again across the years.
Our little boy becomes a man ... a man's man, as it were. because of the deep feelings of isolation and differentness, he over-compensates. He tries repeatedly to "kick the habit; and he cannot. It is a part of him, it belongs to him, it is him, as much as his lungs or heart. It is a compulsion and it is an obsession. It is a part of his identity, inextricably intertwined with his sexuality.
And, at some point, he discovers something else. All of a sudden when dressed as a woman, he can feel and express all those bottled up, forbidden emotions and feelings that have caused him so much pain and anguish across the years. He can freely laugh, cry, act silly, relax, in short, be his WHOLE self! This is never permitted in his role as a male. Because of his perception of the freedom of females, he is now free to express the whole range of human emotions he has so carefully filed and pigeon-holed as belonging to only one gender.
If the process of life is a struggle 'toward,' then let us hope that this growth of the transvestite is toward complete acceptance of himself as he is, one WHOLE person, with permission freely given just to BE.
Jenny (CJ's wife – 45 years)
