First, I don't know if this is the right spot for this or not, hopefully it is.  Second, this might be a bit long and maybe even a bit confusing but hopefully neither.


OK, so what I need to know is should I see a gender therapist or a psychologist first or are they one in the same?  If they are, then I assume I need to seek one that specializes in gender disorders.  Correct me if I'm wrong at this or any point in my rambling or assumptions.  This is kind of a multi-topic thread too, so I'll probably jump from one issue to another and probably put the proverbial cart before the horse.  I'm also wondering about some sort of low dosage HRT of some type.  I'm basically wanting to do that with hopes of figuring out who I am (which I believe is mostly female, most of the time), getting a more feminine shape and stabilizing myself mentally.

Since I was 5 (like most) I've kinda felt different and somewhat out of place.  I started like many before me, dressing in some of my mom's things (things she didn't wear) and doing what I basically felt was just crossdressing.  And like many others, I fought this throughout the years, gathering up my stuff and throwing it away.  Sitting with it all gathered in a bag, almost like a ritual and telling myself that this was over with and I was also putting that part of myself into that bag, throwing it all away.  This would last for awhile, sometimes a few weeks and sometimes a few months.  It always returned however, and as I've gotten older, it's sorta dawned on me that it wasn't just a crossdressing fetish.  Going through the whole sexual excitement while dressed up and once that "part" was over with, feeling dirty and like a perv, not being able to get the clothes off fast enough and dressed back like I was prior.  And again, the older I've gotten, that has went away, the feeling of being a perv or dirty... the sexual excitement still arises often (but not always) and afterwards, I can remain dressed for an indefinite amount of time. 

Like a lot of other girls here, I dated a few girls and I've even been married with children.  I do like women, not really attracted to men.  I've figured out lately that I'm more attracted to M2F transfemales than I am genetic girls though.  I guess bad relationships with genetic girls has left a "bad taste" in my mouth and I'm considering my next relationship (should I ever have another) to be with a transfemale.  And pre or post doesn't bother me, it's not really a concern but looking at just that then I guess some would say I was a bi male, I don't know.  I've had, to say the least, a very disturbing marriage the last 15 years of my life.  Not all bad but throughout it, it's had a large amount of hurdles to jump over and many hoops to jump through as well.  And yes, throughout my marriage I had many issues with the desire to dress.  And for those who've viewed it, the thread about age has also been an issue for myself as well.  I've recently turned 40, yea I know.  And it seems that right before I turned 40, the urges and desires became the strongest they've ever been before.  Not actual dressing but the feelings of being a female inside a male body.  I'm not sure what's going on with me, if it's real or if I'm just imagining the whole thing or what. 

I know I can't stand to shave, hate the hair on my legs and arms, chest and underarms.  I'm not very hairy (thank you God) but still I have some, I shave my chest and underarms usually.  I can not stand the smell of mens bath products or cologne, body sprays or none of that crap.  Thanks to good genetics or DNA or chemical composition, I don't have to wear deodorant but I do, Secret of course.  I love to paint my nails, mostly toe nails cause I can easily hide that but I do buff and polish my fingernails.  I hate wearing mens underwear, panties feel much more natural to me.  I love wearing a bra, without it, I feel like something is missing and something is wrong.  Basically the things that normal guys do or identify with, I hate and hate it more the older I get.  I have never been into sports, period.  I use O'lay bodywash and lotion cause I can't stand to smell like a "man".  Anybody got any idea at this point?

So, I feel like I should have been born a girl.  I wish I'd done something about this back when I was way younger and of course, without children being in the middle of it now.  I'm still attracted to females, still want a relationship like mentioned above.  I feel the most settled, calm and at ease when I'm dressed in my girl gear.  I feel like it's natural, it saddens me and makes me cry to have to take those clothes off and put this guy crap back on.  Sadly, I don't have a very feminine shape, I have virtually no hips and my rear-end is flat like the coastal plain.  I've got a broad chest, big hands and big feet, standing almost 6ft.  So for me, I don't *think* that I'd ever be able to transition and pass, looking like a genetic girl like many of you here do (and do it so well, y'all look so good) so I'm not sure exactly what I need to do.  If I could start some sort of HRT, even if the changes were minimal but noticeable (even if just to me) I think maybe that would help keep me from bouncing off the walls most of the time. 

Anyway, should I seek a therapist or a psychologist?  Can anyone recommend one in the Wilmington NC area? If informed consent is an option in my state, should I try that on my own or is that not even an option?  Is it possible I'm not trans but I have another issue?

First question first. Gender counselor, gender therapist are really terms to denote, psychologists, psychiatrists, licensed clinical social workers, etc, who are knowledgeable and experienced in helping transgendered people, including transsexuals.

Here is our list of known gender counselors (my preferred term) in North Carolina.
https://www.susans.org/Healthcare/Therapists_and_Counselors/USA/North_Carolina/

If none is close to you, one may know one who is. So a phone call would be helpful.

If you aren't sure of yourself, going it alone is probably not a good idea. The first thing you need help with is figuring out just who you are. A gender counselor can help you do that. If YOU find that that you are TS, the counselor can help you get where you need to be.

Hope this helps. Good luck on the journey.

Robyn
15 years beyond her first appointment

Hey Kayla,

I can't tell you what your identity is, but it is clear to me that you have some form of GID.  That means you can fit somewhere under the transgender umbrella.  Where that takes you and how to proceed is up to you.  It should be noted that transgender doesn't equal transsexual.  So, before considering transitioning or hormones, please consider learning more about yourself.  Talking to a therapist who is trained to deal with this sounds like a good idea.  I would REALLY advise against informed consent because you don't know the extent of your identity and what you want.  Hormones can create unrecoverable effects and should only be taken once you know that is what you want.   I really wish you luck on your journey and hope you discover your path

Thanks for the replies, helpful information and sweet and kind words. If given a choice right this minute of staying a male or being female, hands down and without hesitation, I'd pick female. But I understand what's been said and that I'm somewhat teeter-tottering on the fence right now, possibly even confused.

Thanks for the list, I'll check it out because I feel I need a therapist with where I'm at right now.

Thanks!

Ok, after a lot of reading, I'm still somewhat confused by what was said about being transgender and transexual. So can somebody give their input on this subject?  I definitely feel I'm transgender, IF, that means that I feel I'm a different sex than the one I was born. I feel like if I could look like a woman in every aspect and live that way, passing, I don't really care at this point if I had SRS or not.

Of course, I'm not on HRT either and there's the question if that makes a different thought pattern than the one I have now. So maybe if I made it that far, then I'd want surgery. I don't know.

Transgender is an umbrella term that includes drag queens, drag kings, cross dressers (CD). transsexuals (TS), genderqueers, and other flavors of gender variant people. Transsexuals are those who (mostly) identify with the other gender/sex and would like to alter their bodies to match their brains. This can include gender expression, hormones, and/or surgery. Many TS people pass through a cross dresser phase before they understand that they are TS. 

Robyn

Hi Kayla,

Don't get too hung up on terms, they are used all over the place and different people may mean something with one and not another, the latest seems to be trans* to cover everything.

Therapists change and vary form Country to country, in Australia I see a psychiatrist who has many years of experience with gender issues. According to him now he says he knew I was TG within the first 5 mins of conversation, so don't get put off. A good therapist also wants you to explore what transitioning will do to you and your relationships - all of them; from family to work to social to sport to shopping.
When you go FT, if you do; well you have a new life, and to be honest you have to be able to deal with it.

How will you feel going to the garage to get your car serviced wearing a skirt and blouse?

How will you feel being asked out on a date?

How will you feel buying groceries in the store?

Just to name a few.

Don't get put off by your appearance. This is the most common issue with trans* people. Many worry themselves sick in case 'we don't pass'.  HRT, make-up, attitude and experience change a hell of a lot about you, and if needed FFS.

OK I'm a bit notorious, I have an ego the size of the planet and anyone who has the stupidity to say anything nasty to me has their skin removed and nailed to the wall.

I give no quarter.

And I get no insults or sly comments at all.

Oh and I did go to the garage today wearing a mini, blouse, knee high boots; and my car was under my old name. I looked at the guy who was trying to get his head around the discrepancy between me and the past records, and I just said, I've a new chassis and body work that goes with my new name.

Just change it on your records.

He did, and when they called to tell me my car was ready he didn't miss a beat. 'Cindy your car is ready'

Don't give in and don't have fear. Just face the future and you will be fine

Cindy

It's a process. It takes time to work through your feelings and thoughts, that's only natural considering for the most part our upbringings and society dictates or informs us what our gender roles should be.
To deviate from what we perceive to be stereotypical male behaviour opens up the fear of being segregated and scrutinised, and i suppose as women born with male bodies, not conforming to stereotypical female behaviour once we transition, there is the fear that people will question our resolve and sincerity. I say 'we' really loosely, i don't want to come across like i am speaking for other people.
Consider taking a step back from outright rejecting male characteristics/ behaviour. To say that you hate the things that normal guys do or identify with is a blanket statement. I mean firstly, what do normal guys actually do? Everyone is different right, has different likes and interests etc (a lot of people may even surprise you). The point i am trying to make is please don't feel that you have to conform in order for other people to 'believe' that you have a GID. As other people have said, only you can make that call and no one should have the right to take that from you. I myself love football, don't play it so much any more, but i am rather excitable when it comes to Arsenal FC . Helps that some of the players are gorgeous lol.

You are who you are and we are all human beings

Well, passing is a definite concern to me. Because of my aforementioned sizes, of course passing is a concern and a fear. But, I've seen before and afters here on this site that is simply amazing. So I'm hopeful. If I passed as female, like so many here, I'd have no problem being seen in public. My voice would be my biggest fear then. I honestly feel like I should have been born female, if I could go to sleep and wake up a genetic female, I'd knock myself out right now.

I'm looking for a therapist. I'm curious as to what he/she will have to say. Affording it is a concern for me, and what any type of HRT will cost as well. I'm self employed and without health coverage, think I might better find some.

I have so many questions about this and just as many about what to expect HRT to do/change.

If you don't have insurance, there are therapists out there who will work with you on a sliding scale. You never know, it might work out well.

As for hrt, there is a lot of information available in the reference library (https://www.susans.org/reference/index.html) and the hrt section of the forum.  With hormones, there is no real guarantee.  Still, it might help you to learn what hormones can and can't do.

Thanks! I'm gonna look into it, still looking for a therapist that's close by.