Largely based on a request from another thread, I thought I would write this short piece in the hopes of giving people with low self esteem a little understanding and help towards building it up so they can start to feel good about themselves and maybe see the world from a better position than they are currently.



The inner speaker


The first step on the sometimes long road of improving self esteem is to talk a little bit about what this mysterious mind-stuff actually is. I'm sure many times you've heard others say things like "yeah, I have low self esteem", or even thought it yourself without giving too much thought to what it actually is.

Self esteem is, essentially, the views and opinions you hold about yourself. The beliefs you accredit towards yourself in almost all situations you face in daily life. Basically, it's what it sounds like. How much esteem you hold yourself in. Think of it this way; when you notice someone else doing something, like speaking in front of a group of people, or taking care of three screaming, puking kids while trying to talk on the phone and holding a huge bunch of shopping... what do you think about those people? Things like "they must be confident", or "they must have a lot of patience", or "wow, they are epic at multitasking". That's holding them in esteem. Self esteem is applying similar sort of beliefs and opinions to yourself.

When your self esteem is low, these views and beliefs you have about yourself are most often negative. The opposite of the above positive views you hold about the people I mentioned. Here are a few of the common self-beliefs which come from low self esteem:

• "God I'm so ugly. Look at me. I took a nose dive off the top of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, bounced on a trampoline at the bottom and came right back up through all the jagged stumps left first time, then plummeted back down ass first and landed in a big pile of broken glass and battery acid!"


• "I have no charisma at all. Whenever anyone talks to me, it's a wonder they don't spontaneously combust through sheer boredom and leave a tiny pile of ash at my feet which spell out the words you suck!"


• "Ugh, I can't possibly do that. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid I can't even think up a suitable metaphor for how stupid I am. And all the metaphors are just stood there laughing at me because of my stupidity. And pointing, don't forget the pointing!"


• "I don't deserve this good thing. Everyone else in the world is better than I am. They deserve it more. If I have it, something bad will happen and it will disappear because the universe hates me and has determined that I am not worthy of having anything good in my life. So I don't want it because I'm just not good enough a person to have it."

I think you probably get the picture. It's a case of thinking the worst about yourself.  That little voice inside your head which convinces you that you're no good, or worthless, or useless, or a myriad of other negative things. For those of you familiar with Lord of the Rings, it's like having a Grima Wormtongue inside your head whispering an endless stream of negativity.



In the beginning was the...


But where does it come from? That's the question. There must be a reason your self esteem is low and you think all this negativity about yourself, right? Well simply put - yes, there is a reason. Or a number of reasons. And knowing this is the key to beginning to examine your inner speaker and changing the script they're speaking from.

Since everyone is different, and goes through their lives differently, there isn't one set origin for where low self esteem springs from. However, there are experiences in people's lives which can lead to negative self-beliefs and opinions about yourself which different people may see within their own lives and be able to draw some sort of understanding from. What follows is by no means exhaustive  but is drawn largely from things I've observed about myself when working on my own self esteem issues and things I've noticed through getting to know others with similar issues.

Childhood experiences

This is a biggie. When we're young, we're still learning who we are and often the experiences have in this formative time can stay with you long into adulthood, forming your core beliefs and values you have about yourself. It certainly did for me. This especially holds true for some trans people since heaped on top of trying to find out who you are as an individual, there's an overwhelming feeling of "wrongness" which you also have to try and make sense of. This can often be attributed to other negative things going on in your life at that time and leads to a grand old mess of self-hatred and very low self esteem.

To break this down even further, you can examine the social aspects of your childhood - how you integrated with other people at school, for example, or maybe during certain activities such as sports (which I always hated because I was very self-conscious about my weight and led to a lot of issues for me personally, but that's another story). You can also examine your interactions with your family and your relationships with your parents or siblings. Did they place expectations on you that you felt you couldn't live up to? Were you expected to act as a sort of role model and always held under very high scrutiny for the things you did, or didn't do? Did they take their anger out on you and make you feel like things were always your fault?

I don't really want to go into too great a detail on this because I could probably write a whole book on the various minute factors which could contribute to someone developing a low self esteem through experiences they had as a child. And it's something that you can identify for yourself in your own life by examining the relationships you had with those around you and how the behaviour of those people contributed to the way you feel about yourself (such as parents always telling you you're no good, or your peers in school making you feel left out and isolated which may lead to you feeling that you're not  inherently worthy of being in anyone's company well into your adult life).

The point about all of this is that at that time, we're not resilient enough to know who we are sufficiently to take these experiences for what they are, much less examine them and how they relate to our own thoughts. So over time they may lead to a person feeling that they're not smart enough, or not strong enough, or not brave enough... no end of other things based on what we've been told and how we've been treated.

Adult experiences

Someone's childhood doesn't have to be the cause of low self esteem issues, and in many cases someone who is suffering from them in adulthood may well have had a happy, well-adjusted and positive childhood. Experiences which alter our beliefs about ourselves can happen at any time, and often they can be just as profound even when you know what the deal is and think you have a handle on yourself.

I'll give you an example of something which caused me to have self esteem issues that had nothing to do with my childhood, in order to illustrate the point and maybe allow you to think about things in your own life (outside of any gender issues you may have) which may be contributing to the way you feel about yourself.

Ill health - this one is probably one of the single largest contributing factors for me and something which took, and is still taking, a very long time to work through. Being limited in the things you can do, places you can go, and your overall quality of life is very demoralising. And personally, I got to a point where I was convinced there was nothing I could do, was just taking up oxygen, being a burden to other people, and I might as well just not bother being here.

While we're on that subject, I'd like to talk a bit about depression, and how that and low self esteem can be related to each other. Can depression lead to low self esteem? The short answer is yes, because it affects the way you see yourself and how you feel about yourself. But they're not the same thing. And very often, having low self esteem will be one of the underlying contributing factors of developing depression rather than caused by it. It's your typical chicken and egg scenario. When you have negative beliefs about yourself, it lowers your resistances to be able to cope with the stresses of life (if nothing else because you're already convinced you can't deal with them because you perhaps don't think you're capable and can't do anything right).

This can also lead to some people developing other problems, too, such as eating disorders (maybe because someone has a negative view of their weight and is convinced that they're always too fat, for example), or social anxiety (maybe because they're convinced that no one would ever find them interesting or want to be around them, or even because they're scared of being judged harshly).

Low self esteem can be an underlying issue with a lot of more immediately obvious problems in people's lives. Understanding what it is, where it comes from, and what can be done about it can often go a long way towards providing the tools for someone to combat other problems they face in their lives.

There's probably a ton of stuff I've missed out but anyway, the next part will be a few things which I've found to be helpful in combating low self esteem and working towards helping people begin to feel good about themselves again.

Identifying the culprit


Before you can begin to work on your negative self-beliefs, you need to find for yourself what they are and where they come from. I make no illusions about this - it's hard, probably the hardest part of trying to make this sort of change in your life. It's also not something which can be done in the space of an hour or something. It's a process - just as the formulation of these negative beliefs can take a long time to be established, so too can the changing of them be. Also, it can often can be painful as you work through the parts of your past that may have led to you feeling the way you do. The mind is very good at setting up defence mechanisms to protect us from hurt.

But in order to really get to the bare bones about why you have low self esteem, you can't really cut corners with this and the more honest and open you are with yourself at this point, the more you'll see the benefits when you begin to make the changes to the way you think in order to raise your self esteem.

If, while doing this, you really feel that it's not something you can do by yourself then please, please don't hesitate to either contact a friend you trust and know will be supportive, or even contact a professional such as a counsellor or therapist in order to get their help with things and maybe set your mind at ease more. However, if you feel that this is something you can do under your own steam then the first thing to do is to buy a notepad and a pen (archaic, I know, in this age, but bear with me) in order to undertake a couple of exercises which will help you get to the bottom of why you're feeling the way you are about yourself.

First thing's first. Ask yourself some questions and be as honest with yourself as you can with your replies. It helps to write them down, as well as your responses to them - partly to organise your thoughts and get them down somewhere, but also to look back on in the future and see just how far you've come.

You can really word the following in whatever way makes most sense to you, but these are ones I found to really cut to the heart of the matter in terms of identifying the negative beliefs and gaining some insight on where they came from.

• What do you consider your failings and weaknesses to be?
• How do you think other people see you?
• How would you sum up yourself in a paragraph or two, if someone asked you to complete a section of a form with the starting words "I am..."?
• Can you think of a time when you started feeling this way?
• Can you think of an experience, or experiences which may have caused you to feel this way?
• Are there specific times when these negative thoughts occur?
• Do some of these negative thoughts occur repeatedly? If so, which one(s)?

Take as long as you need to with this. As I said before, the more in-depth and comprehensive you are about this, the more you have to work with in order to make the changes to the way you think.

The second exercise is to keep an ongoing sort of diary to write down situations which make you feel really bad about yourself, the way you deal with these situations, and then to attempt to identify what the underlying belief is about yourself which causes you to feel and act the way you did in each case.

Using a separate column for each section is something I found useful. In the first column, title it something like 'Scenario' or 'Event' - this is for you to write down what happened. The second column is for you to write down what you did, and/or how you felt, and could be titled 'Reaction' or 'Response'. The third column is for you to write down what you think is the underlying belief about yourself which caused you to feel and act the way you did, so title it 'Underlying belief' or 'Reason for reaction'.

Doing both of these is a very good stepping stone to the next thing you can do to improve your self esteem:



Breaking the cycle


Once you know what your negative beliefs about yourself are, and maybe where they come from, you can set about breaking the cycle of low self esteem. This cycle arises when your reaction to a certain situation reinforces your negative belief about yourself, and makes you feel even less likely to be able to deal with the similar situation if it arises again.

To give you an example of what I'm talking about, consider the following:

You've been asked to make a speech at someone's wedding. Your negative self beliefs about yourself are that no one will want to hear anything you have to say, you're not interesting enough, and not smart enough to come up with anything witty or funny or heartfelt, like you've heard in other speeches. So your reaction to this is to either ask that someone else makes it instead, or resolve that you're going to pretend on the day that you've lost your voice.

When the day comes and someone else gives the speech, it goes down a storm and the person making it is applauded and they get lots of laughs or tears. You think to yourself that you could never have wrote something like that, and it's a good thing that you reacted the way you did because the day went well and it wouldn't have if you'd done it instead because, going by what you heard, the other person was far smarter and more witty than you.

And finally, you make the decision that if you're ever put in that position again, you know the best thing to do is to try to get out of it because it will never turn out as good as if someone else does it.

This is a cycle of reinforcement which comes with low self esteem. Your negative reactions to things based on negative self-beliefs only serve to further cement those negative self beliefs in your mind.

The next step to increasing your self esteem is by breaking this cycle. And you can do this by firstly remembering that your negative self-beliefs are just that - beliefs. They're not facts. And because of this they can be changed.

A good way to start doing this is tied into the exercises above, and one reason why they're useful to do. When you have identified what your negative self-beliefs are, you can begin to challenge them by actively looking for the things in your life which are positive with regard to them.

For example, if one of your negative self-beliefs is that no one could ever possibly like you, then you can start to look for evidence of things to the contrary, no matter how small, and write them down in your notebook, things like:

• So-and-so sent me a text message asking if I wanted to do something later
• I had a great conversation with someone about how much this country is in a state
• This cute guy/girl I noticed smiled at me as he/she walked past
• I got complimented about the way I'm looking by someone

You can fill in the individuals yourself but hopefully you get the idea. Often we don't notice the positive things that go on in our lives because we're too used to seeing the negative, the things which keep that cycle going and reinforcing to ourselves that the way we feel is right. And at times it's like being blinkered, or wearing glasses with lenses which block out the 'positive light' and only let the 'negative light' through.

The list you come up with may be tiny at first as it can feel like you really have to look hard to find those positive experiences which challenge your negative beliefs about yourself. But perseverance is key and if you keep at it, and keep looking for the evidence to challenge those negative views you hold of yourself, then gradually you will start to question those beliefs and, hopefully, change them.



Being positive


This sounds obvious, I know. What I mean by it isn't that you suddenly adopt a "sunshine and rainbows" mentality like you just got a personality transplant or something. I mean more like practicing techniques which will allow you to think positively about yourself. Even if only for a short space of time at first.

One good way to do this is to actively concentrate on the things about yourself that you really like. You can use your notebook for this, to write down and answer a few questions that illustrate what's good about you. Things like:

• What things about the way I look do I like?
• What characteristics to I have that I like or am proud of?
• What is my biggest achievement?
• What activities do I undertake which benefit myself or others?
• What are my strengths?
• What are my skills?

This might be tough to do at first, but persevere. Aim for forty or fifty things that you like about yourself and which are positive about you. You don't have to get all of them straight away, it can be an ongoing process. But it's good to be able to look back at what you've written to remind you of your strengths and the good things about you when you're feeling down and having a really off day.


While often not directly contributing to increasing your self esteem, changes you can make to your lifestyle, such as diet, exercise and regular sleep patterns, can have a huge impact on your mood, and allow you to work on raising your self esteem from a far better mental place than one in which you feel lethargic, tired and irritable.



Diet and mood


There are a some things which can contribute a lot to feeling low, anxious or even depressed. One of these is caffeine. Take it from the poster-child for coffee - it really does. If you have too much of it you feel twitchy, thoughts racing through your head faster than you can process them and, if they're negative, then it becomes a lovely little tornado of "omg I hate myself". Coupled with lots of caffeine making it almost impossible to sleep for any period of time, not to mention in a very irregular pattern, and you have a recipe for a very bad headspace.

If you're a coffee drinker, one of the simplest changes you can make is to throttle back on your caffeine intake. Definitely try not to have that coffee late at night that you may enjoy - or if you can't resist the taste then use decaf.

Sugar can also play havoc with your moods, so eating lots of chocolate isn't always a good thing (and I'm not just saying that because I detest the stuff). Soft drinks, cakes, biscuits... it may be comfort food, but after the sugar hit has worn off, you can wind up feeling worse than you did before. Not to mention it can add to the negative self beliefs you have about yourself by piling on the pounds If you constantly gorge yourself on it. And if you're already feeling like you're unattractive and ugly then... well, it certainly doesn't help if you start gaining weight because of it.

I'm no dietician, and you can probably find extremely detailed nutrition guides elsewhere online (or posted in this thread if anyone knows any good sites), but what helped me was drinking plenty of water, eating more fruits and vegetables, and trying (not always successfully it has to be said) to enjoy a balanced diet (no, that isn't a chocolate bar in each hand). If you can, vary the kinds of foods you eat, so you don't get bored with the same old "rabbit food". The more vitamins and minerals you can get into your system naturally, the better.

One last thing I would say about diet is that bananas are fantastic for improving mood.



"I don't snore!"


Okay, with that covered, a regular sleep pattern is another good way to help you feel better. Have you noticed that you feel run down when you haven't had enough sleep? Or like it seems that much harder to concentrate?

I've had problems with sleeping on and off for years, and I can really appreciate the difference in the way I feel when I'm not sleeping very well as opposed to times when I'm getting enough shut-eye. I went to a sleep clinic a few years ago because of a severe inability to sleep. Aside from being told to cut back on the coffee (because I am just that dumb that I didn't think of that myself ) they also told me a few other tips to help sleeping that did work in varying degrees. Although I forget to do them sometimes, they're worth sharing:

Make sure the place you sleep is comfortable. This seems obvious but I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to fall asleep when my room was either so stiflingly hot that Beelzebub himself would be begging for air conditioning, or not having enough covers when the temperature is such that a man with a white coat and a beard jumps up and down excitedly outside my window, convinced he's found Absolute Zero. Also, make sure there's enough ventilation and enough fresh air getting in, and your bed itself is actually comfortable. Sleeping in awkward positions is, well, awkward, and you're likely to take longer to fall asleep.

This is a personal thing but... a hot bath with a few drops of lavender oil in it does absolute wonders to relax you at night. At least it does for me. It relaxes your muscles and soothes some of the tensions built up during the day. If that's something you can arrange, give it a go.

One of the big things is - don't force sleep. The more you try to sleep, the less likely you are to actually be able to. I'm sure most of us have been laying there thinking "okay, I really have to sleep now. I have to be up in five hours so I can't afford to stay awake!" That rarely works. Interestingly the other way round seems to work better. If you're having trouble sleeping, try to stay awake. For some unfathomable reason, you'll start to feel tired, and the more you try to not sleep, the more you'll actually feel like sleeping. I have no idea why. I like to think you're being mischievous and using reverse psychology on your brain, lol.

Another thing you can do to aid sleep is to use a relaxation technique to help you get into a more amenable state of mind. I'll be sharing one of those later on, but it's something you can practice over and over to wind down and calm the thoughts which can sometimes be racing through your head.



Getting active


The last thing I want to talk about is being active and taking exercise. This has loads of benefits.

• It helps you sleep at night by tiring you out physically (see above).
• It releases the brain's feel-good neurotransmitters which give you that 'buzz'.
• It gets you into shape, which can help with any negative self beliefs you have about the way you look.
• It gives you something to do, rather than sitting and brooding over the things going on in your head.
• It raises your metabolism, so you can burn those calories faster.

I'm sure there are other obvious benefits that I haven't mentioned, but the point is that being more active is a great way to lift your mood and is something that can be done for really nothing at all. It doesn't have to be anything strenuous, just take a walk or a jog for half an hour each day, or as much time as you want really, but half an hour minimum will give you a good start. If you have a dog, take it for a long rambling walk, or load up your MP3 player with your favourite songs and just head out for a run.






Feel the fear and do it anyway


Another good way to improve your self esteem is to feel a sense of achievement. There are few things which feel as good as when you do something you didn't think you could do. To this end, resolve to do one thing every day which challenges you. It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering, or stupendously incredible, like going to climb mount Everest or running a marathon. But something which you aren't at all sure you can do, or are a little bit scared of doing.

This is challenging your negative self-beliefs head on, and proving to yourself that you're better than what you feel about yourself. You can use your notebook here too if you like, to maybe record your feelings beforehand, what you think is likely to happen. You can then record what actually happened when you achieved the challenge you set yourself and how you feel about yourself when you do.

Since people are different and find different things challenging, there isn't really a list of things to do that will give you that sense of achievement. But a good start is to think of something you're interested in, something you like to do, or have always wanted to do, and then think about a challenge you can set yourself based on that. For example, if you like writing, you could challenge yourself to write a short story or poem or something like that - only challenge yourself to go a stage further and show it to someone or put it online somewhere and get feedback on it.

For people with low self esteem, taking criticism can be hard, no matter how constructive and well meaning it is, because everything is evaluated against the negative beliefs you have about yourself and because of this, any judgements made by others are taken very personally and thought to be made about the person themselves rather than the thing in question.

For example: someone says they're not fond of a top you have on. For a person with low self esteem, a whole storm of thoughts, completely unrelated to the comment, may ensue. Like "Oh god, I knew it, they think I'm ugly. I knew it. I'm so unattractive I might as well go and hide in a box somewhere. I have such poor fashion sense it's a wonder they're not laughing at me. What was I thinking wearing this? I'm such an idiot!"

When, in reality, the comment may just have reflected that the top you have on simply isn't someone else's cup of tea, and some of the things they wear may not be yours.

Putting yourself out there is hard. No question about it. But it's also a good way to challenge yourself, and to challenge your negative self beliefs. Using the previous techniques of positive thinking and affirmations, looking at all your positive traits and attributes, and what you're good at - give it a try.



Value yourself


This encompasses a few things which you can do to get back some of the feelings of self-worth you may have lost along the way when you're dealing with low self esteem. Firstly, what you can do is to try to be more assertive in your everyday life. I don't mean start bossing everyone around and laying the law down, but make a conscious effort to realise where your personal boundaries are, and then enforce them.

There are a lot of people who take advantage of people with low self esteem, maybe unintentionally, and if they know that they can ask you to do whatever and you'll do it because you're too scared to say no because you think they'll hate you if you do... this can become another cycle in the reinforcement of your negative self beliefs.

"I'm not strong enough to stand up for myself and let everyone walk all over me. I'd like to say no but being accommodating makes people like me, even if it makes me hate myself."

When you value yourself, you know what you like and don't like. You know what is and isn't acceptable, and you start living your life for you and not those around you. For other people to respect you, you first have to respect yourself, and part of that is learning to assert your individuality and find your place in the world as someone who has just as much right to be here, and to have their wants and needs taken care of as anyone else.

Secondly (and this is something which can go hand in hand with the above points), try to identify any relationships with people around you which may be causing you to have negative beliefs about yourself. Are there people in your life who constantly take all their issues out on you, or blame you for everything and make you feel like it's all your fault? Maybe someone in your life is constantly criticising you to make themselves feel better, or expects you to be at their beck and call all the time.

If you can find these patterns within the relationships you have with people around you then, as I mentioned previously, you can try to be more assertive with these people. Tell them that you don't like what they're doing, that it's breaking down your self-esteem, and that you want them to stop. Part of valuing yourself is to form relationships with people who build you up, not tear you down. You're quite capable of doing that yourself, thank you very much.

You're no one's doormat.

By the same token, look for people who will be supportive of you. Friends, family, acquaintances, and associate more with these people. While the changes to the way you think and increasing your self esteem essentially comes from changing yourself and the way you interact with the world - having folks around you who give you a helping hand and a shoulder to lean on when you need it is certainly no bad thing.

Lastly, don't stifle yourself. This is a hard thing to overcome but it's worth trying because the results can give you a massive boost to your self esteem. Look at all the positive things you've written about yourself and think about things you want to do but always felt like you couldn't. Maybe a club based on a hobby you enjoy. If you're out of work at the moment then maybe think about volunteering somewhere you have an interest in. Something which will give you the feeling of actually getting out there and making a difference, even if only to yourself, rather than sat at home stewing in your own juices.

The more you do, the more you find you can do. And this becomes another cycle, one of positive reinforcement of your self beliefs. This is the one you can ride to Awesomeville.


As I mentioned earlier, I'm going to share a sort of relaxation / guided meditation technique which I've found helpful in taking a lot of the stresses of the day away, and allowing me to feel better about myself. Hopefully you'll be able to make some use of it, too.


Before you start, find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Somewhere you feel comfortable and will be able to relax free of distractions. (How long you give yourself for this is up to you, but I've found a minimum of half an hour is pretty good, and time tends to go faster than you think, so... maybe make sure the phone isn't likely to ring for that long, or that you aren't expecting anyone to come knocking on your door etc)

Once you've done this, either sit or lie down in a position you find comfortable, one which offers the least amount of bodily sensation. It may just be on your bed, or a comfy chair, wherever you feel most comfortable.

The first stage is one of relaxation. and in some ways is the most important part of the whole thing. What you're going to do is to free yourself from a connection to your physical form and take a trip inwards for a little while.

Once you're comfortable, close your eyes and start to focus on your breathing. Listen to it as you breathe in and out. Take a few minutes to do nothing else but focus on the sound of your breath. You don't have to feel  anything, just listen to the sound your breath makes as you breathe in and out.

Slow your breathing gradually, making each inhalation and exhalation longer each time you do it. (Counting helps a lot with this, regulating your breathing is one of the best ways to relax and if you can slow your breaths by making each a certain length of time, four seconds in and three out works for me, you'll find yourself getting more and more relaxed without having to do much of anything else.)

Now, the next thing is to visualise a descending  staircase. This can look like anything you want, different people automatically think of different things when hearing the same words, so there's no right or wrong. A heavy stone staircase, one of those spiral numbers, wooden... anything. The only thing to know is that: This staircase has ten steps. No more, no less. Ten steps. See it clearly in your mind's eye, descending before you into the darkness, a comforting darkness, almost beckoning you.

The next part is perhaps a little difficult and will get easier with practice. What you do is: Visualise yourself at the top of the staircase. But do not see yourself from the outside, that is to say with this, you have no body. You're a spark of consciousness, a ball of light whatever works for you. For some reason whenever I do this, I always end up feeling like a Slinky, but the important point is to get what it would feel like if you were standing at the top of this staircase without actually seeing yourself standing there (if you need help with the visualisation, go to the top of your staircase and look down it without looking at yourself during any point).

When you have this clearly in your mind: Focus on the sound of your exhales. With each one, visualise yourself descending downwards, down the staircase, counting each step as you go. (with ten being the very top one, and one being the very bottom)

Breathe in... stillness... breathe out... step ten, you're at the top of the staircase, looking down as it descends beneath you.

Breathe in... stillness... breathe out... you take a step downwards. Step nine. You feel heavier, like the outside world is just a bit further away.

Breathe in... stillness... breathe out... take a step downwards. Step eight. The sound of your breaths are getting more distant, you feel heavier still.

Breathe in... stillness... breathe out... take a step downwards. Step seven. You start to see a faint light at the bottom of the staircase, very faint. The world outside feels far away now. There's only you, and the steps, and the faint light.

Breathe in... stillness... breathe out... take a step downwards. Step six. The light from the bottom of the staircase gets a bit brighter. The steps above you start to fade. You cannot feel anything, only your gaze is held on the light at the bottom of the steps.

Breathe in... stillness... breathe out... take a step downwards. Step five. Even the sounds of your breaths are starting to fade. The light grows brighter still and you start to make out the outline of a door at the bottom of the steps, a warm light coming from underneath it.

Breathe in... stillness... breathe out... take a step downwards. Step four. You see the door clearly now. What sort of door is it? Does it have a handle? Is it wooden? Stone?  Something else? Are there any markings on it? What colour is the light coming from underneath it?

Take a step downwards. Step three. The door starts to open as you descend and you take your first look at what's beyond it. The light is brighter still, and creeps towards your feet as the door opens.

Take a step downwards. Step two. You're almost there, the steps behind you have disappeared and you feel a compulsion to take the final step downwards and through the door. The door is almost completely open now, just waiting for you to...

Take a step downwards. Step one. The last one. You can see inside the doorway now. What's beyond the doorway? Is it a place you recognise or somewhere new to you? Is it indoors or outdoors? What time of day is it? What can you smell or touch? You find yourself too caught up in finding out these things to notice anything else, there's just you and this location and for the final time you...

Take a step downwards.

You know where this place is, you know it's a place you feel safe, a place you feel comfortable. It's your place. The place you can come to be at ease, to try to make sense of things, or just the place to come when you want to find peace.

Take some time now to explore your place, the smells, the sights, the sounds.

While you're exploring your place, you sense a presence behind you. Someone else is there. Someone you know, someone who feels familiar. You turn around and see them standing there, in the doorway, looking straight at you.

Who is this someone? What do they look like? What are they wearing, what colour are their eyes? Their hair? How tall are they? I've found that this gets more detailed the more you do it.

As you watch this person, they begin to move towards you, smiling, filled with warmth and an understanding of your uncertainty. They radiate peace and love, and their eyes say to you that you are safe here.

This person knows you have questions, they know you have doubts. That is why they've come, they are here to listen, to perhaps answer your questions, they are here to ease your doubts. And deep down you know this person, and this person knows you.

Before you can ask this person the questions you have, you watch as they reach out with their hand and gently touch you, and where before you were a spark of consciousness, a ball of light... you are now the person who came here to see you. This person is you and you are them. You are both the same.

How do you feel? Move around your place and explore the way you feel in this form , how does it interact with things in your place, how do you feel when you see yourself? Take as long as you like with this bit, while not strictly the purpose of the exercise, I've found it to be a very freeing experience.

You return to the person who is now ready to answer your questions. They tell you that you can talk to them about anything and they will offer whatever advice they are able. So you begin to free yourself of your questions and doubts with this person, who listens patiently to everything you have to say. Do they answer you? What do they say? You may be surprised here, it's not always what you think you're going to hear. Just go with it.

You can talk to this person for as long as you wish. They don't judge you. They have only love and peace and a desire for your wellbeing. You feel totally at ease and free to say anything you want, to ask anything you want. And when you finish talking with this person, and tell them you are ready to leave, the person who is you and you are them, they tell you that as long as you believe in yourself, as long as you remember this moment, and who you are now, you will have the inner strength to affect whatever changes you desire within your life.

You walk slowly back through the doorway, filled with peace and love and the knowledge that you can come to this place any time you choose. And every time you want to return, you find it easier, you have only to think of the sensations this place, and the person you met here, the person who is you, and you will start to relax and your mind will start to calm. You have only to remember the safety and the knowledge you gained in this place from the person you met here, the person who is you, and you will start to feel a strength inside you, a strength to be the person you are in this place.

Now you begin to climb the staircase, still filled with the peace and love you found in your place, the knowledge you gained from the person who is you.

Take a step upwards. Step one. You feel full of purpose. You know your place is always there and you can return at any time.

Take a step upwards. Step two. The door behind you begins to close. Slowly. You feel centred. You know who you are and you know what you want.

Take a step upwards. Step three. The light from your place recedes and the door closes further still. You no longer feel afraid. You feel only peace and certainty. You begin to hear the faint sound of your breathing.

Breathe in... Take a step upwards. Step four. The doorway to your place has closed behind you, waiting for you, whenever you need it. You begin to become aware of the world around you.

Breathe out... stillness... breathe in... take a step upwards. Step five. You feel purposeful. You feel renewed.

Breathe out... stillness... breathe in... take a step upwards. Step six. You can see the top of the staircase now. You can see what you have to do to effect the changes you desire.

Breathe out... stillness... breathe in... take a step upwards. Step seven. You're almost there, you feel lighter now, like a weight has been lifted from you. You feel invigorated.

Breathe out... stillness... breathe in... take a step upwards. Step eight. The sound of your breaths are getting louder still, you begin to become aware of your heartbeat.

Breathe out... stillness... breathe in... take a step upwards. Step nine. You begin to feel your limbs, slowly flexing your fingers and toes.

Breathe out... stillness... breathe in... take a step upwards. Step ten. You open your eyes and look around.



Well, there's no doubt a lot of things I haven't covered. Maybe folks reading this will be able to add to it, and share ways they themselves have found to work in dealing with low self esteem.

I hope some of this has been useful in some way. And if not then hey, at least I got you to read something for a few minutes and distract you from other stuff.

The very last thing I'm going to say is that no one deserves to feel horrible about themselves. You're all wonderful, valuable human beings with a lot to offer, and being able to see that within yourself is the first step to being able to allow the rest of the world to see it.

*big hugs to everyone*

~ Seph

 It would be impossible to address all the wonderful helpfulness in your posts. It's much appreciated.

I will say, though, I have the oddest feeling that you've posted that meditation before... perhaps you have. I remember I really liked it.

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on June 30, 2012, 01:30:18 AM
I will say, though, I have the oddest feeling that you've posted that meditation before... perhaps you have. I remember I really liked it.

I did, yes. A couple of years ago. However I typed all this up before posting and took it from the original saved document rather than trying to hunt around and find the thread, mainly just to put it all in one place.

I'm glad you were able to take something from it, hon.

That's beautiful, Seph.

I'm speechless after reading it.

This was amazing. I've never had a problem with how other viewed me, but how I viewed myself. I really appreciate the effort you put into this. Thanks.

This is very insightful and well-written; thank you for sharing it!

Very well written. I recently finished a year of intensive therapy and the self esteem thing was a big part of that. Your right working out where it comes from is the first step. mine was largely due to bullying at school. But i realized after a long time that while the bullying was wrong, i caused a lot of it myself by trying to act a certain way, Overly male. I realize now that i was subconciously trying to compensate for my confusion over gender identity. now i have accepted that and come to terms with who i really am i have gained massivley in confidence and self esteem.

Thank You.
I will try on my part to create for myself a more positive attitude to everything that I do day and night.

I am not sure this is the correct place to "spill my feelings" but lately I've been having a hard time enjoying being who I am. Since I was 15 I knew I was meant to be a man - and I really wanted to do something about it. But due to family, I've never came out. Now I am 30 - and I am really depressed. This is not the adult I thought I would be. Not to sound conceited but what makes matters even worse, is that I happened to turn into a quite attractive female (so people tell me). That just depresses me even more. I thank God that I am healthy and really OK - but seriously difficult just being myself. I don't know what to do.

Quote from: Mysteryman on February 21, 2013, 01:26:14 PM
I am not sure this is the correct place to "spill my feelings" but lately I've been having a hard time enjoying being who I am. Since I was 15 I knew I was meant to be a man - and I really wanted to do something about it. But due to family, I've never came out. Now I am 30 - and I am really depressed. This is not the adult I thought I would be. Not to sound conceited but what makes matters even worse, is that I happened to turn into a quite attractive female (so people tell me). That just depresses me even more. I thank God that I am healthy and really OK - but seriously difficult just being myself. I don't know what to do.

Hey Mysteryman, I feel the need to reply to your post, really feel for ya:

I'm so sorry that it is so hard to come out to your family. I hope your family will embrace it and will love you THE WAY YOU ARE from the inside and not the outside, I hope they will respect you and support you throughout your transition, and I hope you'd be able to transition, I see a fear, of not being accepted in society and I hope you'd be able to go through it, I can understand what is holding you back from it, I am in the same situation, i'm 9 years younger though, but my family thinks I'm a attractive female, which is good as a compliment and I only stay this way because I want to be accepted and loved and I know I am attractive this way. So I can understand why you are afraid to change, but I think a good looking female would make a good looking male, but a lot of people could hurt you, when they don't understand what Transgender being is, and a lot of people wouldn't understand since you tried to be a female, but it is understandable psychologically you would like to be loved. I'm so sorry you are not leading the adult life you want, you should really become yourself Mysteryman, I feel for you! I hope your family will love you for the man you are inside, I hope you can be that way soon enough, It's YOUR LIFE. And If you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm here to listen. I'm in the exact same situation where my family is a big issue to my transition and I don't lead the life I want!

OT: I am very thankful for your Low Self Esteem advices, you are a very clever person and I will print it, and hang it on my wall so I can look at it everyday! I have serious self esteem probs so this post helped a lot. Thank you

Quote from: zeekoe on April 05, 2013, 07:36:32 AM
So I can understand why you are afraid to change, but I think a good looking female would make a good looking male,...

Hi Mysteryman,
I can only agree with the affirmation above. As a person who is going in the opposite direction and much later in life, I still remember the surgeon who did my FFS telling me beforehand that at worst, with FFS I would come out as a much better looking man. Why?  Because female features are simply finer and more harmonious and a lot of men perceived as good looking, have quite feminine faces.
Afterwards, why anyone would want to destroy an attractive female face is totally beyond me but that's another story... (Just kidding!)
Bises
Donna

These posts you have made are fabulous! I think they could help a lot of people and I really like how you took a very holistic approach to mental health!

Sometimes we don't even realize we have low self esteem, but it does surface in certain situations.

Its almost as if we don't know which role to play in certain social situations.

Personally as a pre(Everything) the world sees me as a woman - they expect me to behave a certain way. If I am in a family situation (being from a traditional Mediterranean family)  I am expected to join the women in preparing the food, clearing the dishes, coochie cooing the babies etc... While I watch the guys sitting on the sofa, drinking their beers or coffee. The stress starts to show, I can either carry on my charade and get out of the situation quick as I can or develop a sense of humor about it. 

If I am not feeling humorous then I tend to come out as quiet, withdrawn or odd.. I get nervous and dont say much, or if I do its not with confidence.

This definitely affects my self esteem.

Going shopping... If I go to a store that's women's only, I am OK. If the store has a men's section or floor, I get nervous. I know its OK for a "woman" to look through the men's clothing... After all I could have a boyfriend, husband, brother or just want a comfy t shirt for nighttime.. But then I watch all these men freely choosing their clothing, underwear etc, and I start to feel low.

Its very confusing and very disorientating, especially when you know you cant transition, it feels like purgatory.

Thank you so much for this

as sephirah said, choosing your friends is important. it helps to scrap people who make you feel any kinds of negative emotions, and hang out more with the friends and family members who make you feel good about yourself. for those who look for a relationship, this is even more important to remember. if partners can't make each other feel good, the relationship will become destructive for both. that's not something anyone would want for themselves or someone they love.

and for the lazy ones who never seem to have enough time to work out, the half hour of physical activity can be exchanged with ten minutes of strenuous activity. getting your pulse up high for ten minutes a day will help build your stamina so you become healthier, and might even want to try working out more a couple times a week. i know this works for other people, but i'm too lazy for even those ten minutes even when it would be enough to just run up the hill behind my house.

Great Subject!

This is very helpful.

Thank you so much for creating this.