Well if anybody has been paying attention they know that I am really confused and I need help. I have been arguing with my mom lately. Not all that bad. What you have to understand is my home life is not all that bad, but I am low income. My mom cares a lot, but like many I am afraid of family drama. I know my mom will be fine, but being low income I don't want her to feel bad about not being able to help me all that much. She is also the person that will try to protect me from the family if things go wrong. I guess I don't want her to have to do that at all. I am just stressed out. I know part of the reason is because I feel like now more than ever that I want to get help. I am getting to the point I really feel like a girl.

I have come out to my best friend and she has been really supportive, but in doing so I feel like I have been able to be a little girly around her and it has been nice. I think I want it more now than ever. There are still many times that I feel fine being male, but the feeling towards the female side are much stronger.

My mom knows that there is something that I am not telling her, but she does not know yet what. That is fine for know. I have done a lot of soul searching and I think for my peace of mind and her own I need to tell her. This is important.

It might not happen in the next few days, but I feel like sometime soon it needs to happen. I know it will be hard, but since I got back from uni and have little to no distractions this has been at the forefront of my mind. It seems like the more I am busy the easier it is to ignore, but know I am not so sure.

Oh well just figured I would try and share. I will come back and tell everybody if it happens. I have tried many times before, but I always chicken out. I hope I don't chicken out this time.

The big problem I face is that I don't want her to feel bad about not being able to do much at the moment, or like she has failed with me.

Quote from: Bookworm on May 16, 2013, 02:52:11 AM
My mom knows that there is something that I am not telling her, but she does not know yet what.
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The big problem I face is that I don't want her to feel bad about not being able to do much at the moment, or like she has failed with me.

Moms always know. Even when (especially when) they refuse to admit it. But sometimes you do need to bring it up.

As for not doing anything, that is silly. You told your friend, now tell your mom. There is no rule you need to do anything more or if you do, how much.

Not having to fake anymore is going to be about as amazing as it gets.

If you feel you need to tell her and don't feel there is a chance of being rejected, I think you are in good shape to come out.  Really, most people don't come out because of the fear of rejection.  In your case, you fear she may be so accepting of it that she would like  to help as much as possible. That sounds like a great situation. Personally, I think that's a really good relationship you have with your mother.  If you really think it will play out that way, I wouldn't have too many concerns. 

There is still the fear that she will reject me, but I also worry that things will end up going terrible. I have realized that because of the situation I am in, the chance that anything will come out of telling her is very small. I think that she will most likely be accepting, but you never know. It is the family as a whole that I am worried about and if I start to take steps I am afraid that everything will fall to pieces.

I am going to try and tell her. At the moment I am doing a lot of soul searching. I have been where I am now before and then I have never done anything about it. I am scared and that is the big reason I have not said anything before. I know though that things could get better at least for my sanity.

spacial you are right I am probably being silly, but I can't help it. I think she will be excepting, but I am worried she won't. I also care about her and the family. I know this will be a burden on her and I don't want that to happen. Yes  she is my mother and will most likely try and take it in stride, but i don't know. The other thing I feel exposed now that I told my best friend. I talk to her and I know that things will never be the same. I told her by biggest secret and I don't have anything else to hide from her. If feels odd and relaxing, but at the same time I just don't know what do to do now that she knows. She is trying to see me as female, but as I kind of flip back and forth so much even she does not know what to do.

I am just being a worry warts, but I will try and make the effort. Here's hoping all goes well and I can get over my fear.

Dealing with a shattered self confidence as you do is never going to be easy.

Everyone needs to be gentle with themselves. That also applies to you.

When things get tough, and setbacks seem to be looming, as they will, you come back here and talk them out.

Your Mom is luck to have you. Eevn when it may not seem that way. She is.

Thanks spacial I needed to hear that. I am not sure how I feel. I am worried I will come out put everybody through hell and then find out this is not what I want. That is my biggest fear of all. I know she cares, but I am scared.

Not quite the same thing, but I spent 3 years as a vegetarian, in the late 70s.

When I eventually gave up, I remember my brother saying, 'Couldn't handle it, eh?'

I was surprised when I almost laughed and said, 'I tried it, now I know!'

you are right I won't know unless I try it, but I am still scared. I am trying to figure out what I want, but I am at least trying. For me that is a major step. I am at least trying to figure out what I want. I am thankful for all of the help thus far, and I look forward to venting and talking some more here at Susan's.

Bookworm, If your relationship with your mother is anything like that you describe, you should be HONEST. Tell her how you feel and that you are not sure of what you want for yourself. Remember, that she will express 'HER' feelings. They may not be right for you, only that they are her feelings. If you take her opinions and feelings as they are, her's not your's, then can you be free to follow you own inner guide. If she is attune to you as her child she will already have her own misguided opinions as to what is 'wrong' with you. She will have felt your own insecurities and struggles and probably attributed them to her own short-comings as a mother and care-giver. I have found that whoever you are your own inner monologue is exponentially worse than the reality of your surroundings.
  In short, give here the benefit of the doubt, her worst reaction is probably better than your own perceived opinion of her reactions.

Christy.

Have you considered seeing a gender therapist? They may be able to help you decide whether or not to come out and obviously whether to seek HRT. If that's the path you want to take. You said you are fine with being male sometimes but like being feminine but there is a big difference between being femme and being a woman and being treated as such. I'm sure you know that though. I just say that about the therapist because if you decide you don't want to go all the way and take HRT and then score a touchdown and get SRS, then coming out may not be necessary. A gender therapist could probably help you and give you a lot more attention then this board could give you. If you have insurance, it shouldn't cost more then a nominal $1o co-pay.

I know I need a therapist. At the moment though I need to get a insurance plan. The problem I face though is that unless I come out in some way I have no easy way to get to a therapist even if I do find one. I have thought that I might be bigender because I do indeed flip flop. I guess the thing is I do want to be a woman when I have those feelings. It is like the only thing I can think about is to be a woman inside and out. Other times it seems like I am okay with being a guy. I don't know what I am going to do. It looks like at the moment thought I am in a state of limbo. I either wait until I can get to a therapist on my own, or I tell my mother and risk everything going to hell. I see your point though. If I go to a therapist and find that this is not what I want then I have stopped myself from telling her and chancing anything.

I don't know what I want right this second, but I am having a whole lot of self thought. When I first posted this a few days ago telling her was all I could think about. Now I am not so sure I should. I my head it is like I should just keep it to myself. That has always been my train of thought. I just kind of put up with it.

Even though the boards are not the biggest help like therapy would be, they do give me a place to vent my thoughts. Sometimes that is all I need.

I don't know where you live but a lot of therapists work on a sliding scale and it can be a lot cheaper then you think. For it to be really inexpensive you would have to live near a major city i think. I do see your dilemma though about having to tell your mom to see a therpist and not being able to see one if you don't tell her. I would recommend trying to save all your money from your job or if you are not currently working as you are in university, getting a summer job and making some bank. I think even a couple hundred dollars should get you several months of therapy. It seems like a lot i know but it is just one of those things you will have to do. But i guess if you are sure your mom will be okay with it then do it. I would just hate to see you get hurt if you don't have to. Then again if you are def trans you would want to start hrt asap. it's quite the pickle.

I can't be 100 percent sure that she will be okays with it, but she seems like she might be sometimes. I say sometimes because other times I am not so sure. I mean I could be wrong, but I don't really want to take the risk if I don't have to. I am talking to my best friend to see if she might help me get enough courage to tell her. I know I need to though. If I can get back to uni (low gpa might loose scholarship (one dumb class did that all of my others are good)) they have counseling available. I am not sure if they deal with trans issues because it is a catholic school. I know that seems a little close minded, but I don't know.

If I don't get the courage together before then I think I will try that option. I found out about that one after did some looking around the campus website a couple of days ago. I was looking for something else, but this might be helpful. I don't really know. Oh the gpa thing before I forget. I might have to take a couple of part time classes to get it up, but it should be easy. That means I might have to wait a little longer, but I will. I am not sure if part time students count for the counseling.

I thank you for caring though. It really mean a lot to me, and I can't say that enough.

It will be a lot easier if you have a plan to come out to her and do it.  I was pretty much forced to come out while I had no plan... I hadn't even really thought about coming out yet and didn't have what I wanted to say or anything ready, and I basically felt like a deer in the headlights, so instead of saying everything I would have wanted to say while coming out and eloquently explaining who I was and how I felt and what it all means, I froze and stammered a lot.  Pretty sure my mom didn't even know what I was saying, so I basically had to come out again the next day. 

Even though my "coming out" was horribly messy, I feel so much better now that I have... like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  I know my mom isn't "accepting" or okay with it and still thinks something is hormonally wrong with me, she hasn't given me the boot or anything.  I told her right before she forced me to that I was afraid of saying what was bothering me because she'd give me a lecture with a million Bible verses, and I think me saying that is exactly what kept her from bringing that up at all...

Even if you decide that coming out right now isn't the best idea, come up with a plan of what you want to say for when you do come out... maybe even write a note or something... just so if you're kind of backed into a corner like I was, you have everything ready to come out instead of freezing up like me.  Not that you would, but just thought I'd say that in case you're like me. 

Well I it is funny you say that. I have a ton of virtual letters that I have typed and tried to give to her a ton of times. Most often I get the nerve to say something then I revise my letter and always end up chickening out. The farthest I have gotten was actually emailing the letter to her. I ended up chickening out and because I know her email log in I logged on and deleted the email.