My SO is in another city.  I reach out to try and make some friends but they just don't seem motivated to hang out with me.

So I went to a rock show tonight for a band I must have seen about 20 times now.  Always have fun.  Today though was the first time I went as a girl.

I tried to go with someone only to be met with excuses.  So I went alone and I was scared.  What if a guy wants to buy me a beer, I worried.  Instead, first I get this creeper who dances around me tfor asong then this other guy came along who led me in this avante gard polka dance thing before he dipped me.

He.  Dipped.  ME!

I'm not mad.  I'm just in shock.  Y'all know on here I don't think I pass at all.  Tonight, I dunno, maybe I look hot through beer goggles?

But I am so tired of going through this alone.  I see posts about how so many of you have female friends to help you out.  I haven't had that.  At all.  And not for lack of trying.  Just tonight I just wanted to enjoy the show.  While in a way I am grateful for the experience of dancing with a boy and being dipped, I'm definately a lesbian.  Why can't I find any wing girls to do things with me and help keep me out of trouble?  Teach me some things.  Be by friend.

And now I'm going to cry.  Great!  Maybe I should have put this under AAARRRGGHHH?

It's more shock than bummed.  Ok, bummed about the friends thing.

Feelings can be confusing...

I felt trapped with that creeper.  With the dip guy, that's where the shock comes from.  It's really rattled me for some reason.

Quote from: JulieR on May 19, 2013, 01:05:58 AM
I can relate.  I'm still all male on the outside, but it makes me shudder to think of some guy hitting on me.

Same here. Hang in there fellow sisters.

Misato

Sorry you feel like this but I can so relate to how you feel.
Could be good to have a cry as it does let out alot of emotion.
No shame in that. I cried everynight for over six months after my partners accident.

I also feel so alone with this and would love help as you have said to help deal with journey.
Online is not the same as real life but it does help make it a bit easier.

Hugs

J

I tried being polite.  My dipper didn't seem like a bad guy.  I'd call him outright nice actually.

I'm just not used to being sought after I guess.  Chased, at ALL.  I'm used to being left alone.  That's why I wanted some buddies tonight: to help keep me out of trouble.

On-line help certainly isn't the same, especially when IRL situations like tonight happen.  But I'm SO very glad ya'll are here now in the aftermath.

I never go out alone. Most women don't. That said I feel your pain. I'm ecstatic that my bestie from another city is coming to live with me this week. She's cis and I need the female influence BADLY!

Don't worry about it! I stay in the middle of the spectrum most of the time, and get various responses by people in various stages of sobriety when I'm out.... either in that moment you passed, or he was drunk, or he saw who you were but didn't give a chit.... Either way, it's okay, right? Having your fun is your responsibility. It sounds like you could have had it but maybe worried yourself out of it? Lesson for next time: you'll be okay.

having fun is much easier when you're with friends. i'm sorry you're so lonely right now, hopefully you'll find good friends soon.

  You aren't alone...thousands of people are here, with you.

May I suggest (from the other side of the world) that you have a responsibility to yourself (and others after you) to remain as safe as you can.  Where ever there is alcohol there is the potential for creeps.  There are creeps out there without adding alcohol!

Life is a journey, this is yours, walk it safely...

Quote from: Misato on May 19, 2013, 01:18:29 AM
I'm just not used to being sought after I guess.  Chased, at ALL.  I'm used to being left alone.  That's why I wanted some buddies tonight: to help keep me out of trouble.

I feel exactly the same way. About a year into transition I started to get random attention from guys when I was out. Like one guy grabbed and kissed me in the elevator even!

I'm used to the "male shield", where no one would have dared look at me very long...let alone speak to me differently (getting pointers from parking attendants or checkout people)...and touching me, that was an impossibility before.

I don't really know what to tell you, I guess eventually you start to get used to it a little bit? Though, not really. I'm still pretty scared when alone anywhere with a guy (like one in the parking garage in my building, or the elevator). I tend to just keep my head down and hope they don't notice me ~_~ And when people ma'am me (or open doors), I get scared that will will realize I'm trans.

Friends won't really help keep you from feeling this way. But they can help a bit if you go out. Maybe try meeting local trans people? I've actually made friends with a few trans people in my area (something I was pretty against actually with my experiences with the "community" during the first year of transition). So that might be a good way to start. Other than that, work? Or interest groups? (I'm involved with game development, so there is a little community build around that, with get-togethers and things ...even though I don't really go out).

Also, just try chatting up people who are nice. Like one time I went shopping alone (I don't really shop for womens clothing that much), and the person at the store was really nice and helpful and didn't bat an eye at me being trans... so we started chatting and I found out she had similar interests and we connected on facebook (not romantically, just friends).

If you aren't very confident, and are afraid to talk to people....or are afraid people will realize you are trans...and always keeping your head down or escaping...it definitely makes it harder to meet people to do stuff with. But with the internet, you can find people in the area and meet and hang out. LGBT centered events or get togethers / groups are a little more "safe", since you don't have to stress about judgement or anything like that ...and you have a built in "membership" (so is a good first step IMO).

The dip sounds kinda sweet,  but I like guys and old films lol.  I have to say I don't appreciate being grabbed and that has happened more,  together with people telling me what to do more.

I feel ur pain with the girl thing.  Just have to keep going.  Go new places try new things.  Should be fun anyway even if you don't meet lasting friends. Hugs.

I've only been doing part-time. About a year ago I saw that the local revival theater was showing Nosfretu and the were have live musical accompiament. A movie I always wanted to see and what better than how it was originally shown? Well better would be as I was, or should have been, orginally born.

I promised myself I'd only go to see it presenting as Joanne. My first time ever out to a social event. I got there early since I am newish in town, never been there before, had no idea about parking etc.. I'm waiting around in the lobby which is set up a bit like a living room. Some older guy (OK my age-ish and a little more) comes over starts chatting me me and eventually asks "So where is your husband?" as he looks down at my rings

Que the Jackie Gleason "Homina homina homina" Don't say what husband! Don't say wife! Just sort of tell the truth, working in NJ still after I got job here.

What a shocker the whole experience was. I never expected it to happen in this lifetime. Never in my life had I had a woman show any sort of interest by approaching me. It also had caused me to take a good long look at at my past experiences with guys.

Sort of living in the role and HRT will cause you to reexamine a lot of things in your life. What makes you happy, what makes you feel empty, alone. Gaining a sense of joy for life and the adventures that lie ahead, the discoveries to be made. Experiencing the wonders of the world and of life through a set of eyes given a new perspective.

A lot like being a kid again.

Misato, I'm going through EXACTLY the same thing. Don't have much to offer other than hoping you can hang in there.

I know a good number of local trans people via group and a potluck I go to.  And I know a few women from work who seem to like me and we did hang out.  Once.  It was her idea.  Since then on my side it's been a lot of unreturned calls, texts and emails.

I felt better when I woke up, now I got the willies again.  I think I had the "realizing I'm trans" concern in play too.  Booze and dudes, what if things got ugly?  Really I've derived a lot of comfort from not passing.  Seemed to exclude me from the games men play with women.  Last night I was having to play, and it felt to me like a deep dive.  Though there have been items where I've been clocked and things got hostile.  So in the grand scheme of things what happened last night was shocking but harmless.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on May 19, 2013, 01:40:18 AM
I never go out alone. Most women don't.

I saw this last night and just stared at it a while.  The reality that it talks about wouldn't bother me so much if I could make some hang out friends. I was a hermit before transition.  I don't want to be one any more.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. 

Oh, I might have used wing girls wrong.  I just meant I needed some backup.

I know what you mean Misasto.  I really wish I had an easier time making friends with other girls.  Female bonding is very special.  I never really cared going out with the boys.  It was always a very awkward thing for me. 

It seems like one of your female coworkers is taking the initiative to become friends.  Why not reciprocate?  You might find a new female friend. 

Quote from: learningtolive on May 19, 2013, 10:43:54 AM
It seems like one of your female coworkers is taking the initiative to become friends.  Why not reciprocate?  You might find a new female friend. 

I asked her to go to the show with me.  She hinted she might but when I followed up I didn't get a response.

I think generally people hang out with people with similar interests. I've always had a lot female friends and I really can't tell you why. I have a lot of either very intellectual female interests like literature and poetry and also maybe more pedestrian pursuits like fashion so that is prob it. I wish I could help you more. People love talking about what they like and what intersts them so if that is interests you it is a natural bond.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on May 19, 2013, 11:50:53 AM
I think generally people hang out with people with similar interests. I've always had a lot female friends and I really can't tell you why. I have a lot of either very intellectual female interests like literature and poetry and also maybe more pedestrian pursuits like fashion so that is prob it. I wish I could help you more. People love talking about what they like and what intersts them so if that is interests you it is a natural bond.

Maybe that's part of my problem, given that I don't know what I like.  All I did for so long was play video games and work.  To remedy, I have taken to saying yes when invited to places or to do new things though.  I go to my writing meetup.  Probably karaoke after my trans potluck group goes on hiatus for the summer....

I'm sorry to hear you were rattled.  I'd love to hang out, but we live too far apart .  Are there other meetups in the area you could go to for friends?  I'm thinking a generic social group thing, and not specifically writing.

Quote from: Misato on May 19, 2013, 12:27:47 PM
Maybe that's part of my problem, given that I don't know what I like.  All I did for so long was play video games and work.  To remedy, I have taken to saying yes when invited to places or to do new things though.  I go to my writing meetup.  Probably karaoke after my trans potluck group goes on hiatus for the summer....

That sounds like a great start.  You could also go to random meetup groups in your city or town.  If you are anything like me, you will have fun in any setting as long as it's not a football or sports club,lol.   I didn't even know there are were many meetings for writers.  Perhaps there are, but I have always found my fellow writing and reading nerds to be fairly solitary. 

Try to stay away from gaming to a degree.  It's fun and entertaining in small doses, but it keeps you in the house when you could be doing things outside and meeting new people.