It always seems like something HORRIBLE happens right when I am starting to turn things around and be more positive.  I have been dealing with on and off depression for the past year due to be transgender, coming out, losing my wife, and accepting the entirety of it all. Recently, over the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have been battling some major depression, mostly brought on by my appearance, my hair (ugh), and the fact that I feel very female, but still get treated male by just about everyone.  I decided that I'm the only one who can control my happiness, so I decided to refocus myself on my transition and try to be positive.  Well, Wednesday, my wife (I'm still working on getting the divorce papers together) texts me and says she wants to get the few remaining things she has at the house.  I told her a had company over (a FTM friend from work).  She started right in with the attacks with,"So, are you two dating?"  She proceeded to come to the house, gather her things, and say some nasty things to me.  My effort to turn things around positively in the previous few days weren't enough to keep me from sinking into a pit from this visit.  I had been behind at work but was starting to make gains into getting caught up.  Well, I was so depressed that I didn't go in the next day, then only stayed for a few hours the day after that.  I have no sick or vacation leave time left now.  I feel like I'm going insane sometimes.  I wish I could just catch a break.  I try to be a nice, caring, considerate person to everybody, but lately, it feels like nobody cares about me.  I can't bring myself out of these negative thoughts, even though I know some of them are likely not true.  I got a call from a psychiatrist that works at the same place I do shortly after I left work early on Friday.  Apparently, my FTM friend was so worried that he told this psychiatrist that he was scared that I would hurt myself.  Now I have to meet with him on Monday, and he's going to start me on therapy and probably meds.  I always felt like I could control my mind and push past these types of things, but I guess somewhere along the way I lost control.  I just can't seem to force myself to think that I'll ever be pretty or even pass, ever find someone to love me, ever be able to live and function as a woman in this world.  Maybe I do need a little help, but thinking about that makes me so incredibly sad I don't know what to think anymore.  I'm just so tired, and I can't rest.  I just want to be normal. :-( Sorry for the long rant, I just don't know what else to do.

Quote from: Abby J on May 19, 2013, 05:51:03 PM
.  I just can't seem to force myself to think that I'll ever be pretty or even pass, ever find someone to love me, ever be able to live and function as a woman in this world.

I have these same feelings too Abby! In fact I think just about every trans woman has these feelings I deal with them constantly some days worse than others. It's really tough to get past these feelings the best advice I can give you is not to worry about how you look today! Just think about how you will look when you have finished transitioning!

Quote from: Abby J on May 19, 2013, 05:51:03 PM
   I always felt like I could control my mind and push past these types of things, but I guess somewhere along the way I lost control. 

It's not your fault Abby you have these feelings the main thing you should focus on is they are not real and people do care about you. Being on hrt can be overwhelming! Every feeling we have before hrt becomes much more powerful once we start hrt and it is a big adjustment to make. But you just have too realize most of these feels are just being made to seem bigger than they really are. Abby if you need someone too talk to you can always message me I know how bad these down moods can feel.

Quote from: Abby J on May 19, 2013, 05:51:03 PM
I just can't seem to force myself to think that I'll ever be pretty or even pass, ever find someone to love me, ever be able to live and function as a woman in this world.  Maybe I do need a little help, but thinking about that makes me so incredibly sad I don't know what to think anymore.  I'm just so tired, and I can't rest.  I just want to be normal. :-( Sorry for the long rant, I just don't know what else to do.

Here's a surprise.. I pass.. Some even regard me as attractive. I live my life as a woman - and I function as such. I found someone who loved me, sadly she died a little over a week ago. I'm not in a great place in life right now, but I will fight on. I consider myself fairly normal, I don't consider my being trans is all that unusual.

"I decided that I'm the only one who can control my happiness"  Yep yep yep...    you're correct!   Just know that, even though it does not seem like it, there is light at the top of the dark seemingly bottomless pitt you feel like your in.  As long as you keep fighting it will appear, thats not to say you wont slip back or be pulled back down to the bottom again a few times when you start to get a glimps of the light but if you keep fighting for yourself and happiness  you will make it out!   All your strugles to get out of it will be more then worth it...   Your hair will grow out, never as  fast as you wont it to, you will get over your ex, if you allow yourself to and their words will have less meaning to you then a strangers, love, love will find you again in its own time. Pushing for it just causes grief, pain and disappointment.  Live for yourself by doing things that interest you, make you happier and which will get you to your goal. Then it, love, will  reward you, usually when your not looking and least expect it.  When things seem the darkest and all seems to be hopeless or lost, thats when we have to fight the hardest. In the end only 'we' are the ones that can change our world by steadfastly drawing our strength from the belief we are worth fighting for no matter what!  Most cis people cannot fathom the courage and conviction that we summon up everyday, in doing that we are fierce, tenacious survivors that can only be defeated by ourselves. 
Again it does get better though sometimes its not quite how you envisioned it originally but thats not a bad thing,       just keep an open mind.
Hugs..   (''')>^,.,^<(''')


I'm so sorry  Kelly.   

I know what it's like to go through a hopeless phase.  It seems like everything is bad and nothing will ever improve.  Yet, that's not true.  It's common to go through this phase, but it's common to get out of it too.  Right now, you don't need to worry so much about the future.  Instead, you should think about what will make you happy today.  Accomplish little achievements that help you make progress and work on reaching your bigger goals in steps.

Also, there is no shame in seeking help for depression.  It's more common than many people think.  What's important is that you take some action to make yourself feel better now. That is priority number one.