Well, I have officially lost my first friend in Madison.
She won't even speak to me anymore, and has taken up actively avoiding me. I fear she's dragging my second friend (her boyfriend) away too. 🙁

Gross, second period this month, again. I need to do something about this. 

Quote from: LearnedHand on May 20, 2013, 04:59:45 PM
Gross, second period this month, again. I need to do something about this. 

Go see the doc, don't mess around with it kid, you're too smart for that! My best...~Shan~

school

The news is on...a man planted a hidden camera in the nursing home his mother was in because he suspected she was being abused, and they showed a few clips. I had to go downstairs and cry. But not before going up to my mother, looking her in the eyes, and saying "If you have to go to a nursing home and I find out that someone hurt you, I will blow the place up."

tornadoes all around me 

Quote from: calico on May 20, 2013, 06:42:48 PM
tornadoes all around me 

Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for you to be safe

Hugs

Quote from: V M on May 20, 2013, 06:51:03 PM
Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for you to be safe

Hugs

+1 Yes hope you will be OK!

Forgetting two king size candy bars in the glove box in the car. Now I have chocolate sauce in plastic wrappers. Gonna see what happens after they solidify in the fridge for a bit. I so wanted some chocolate tonight too.   

^ I did that with deodorant once, although I didn't realize it had melted until I started to apply it...Not a fun mess to clean up.

Well, I went out to look for some clothes earlier. Found some good fitting shorts, but not shirts. Which is really depressing, as I basically just own women's shirts right now. So that kinda got my anxiety on edge, and then I spent the rest of the night with strangers, not drinking because all there was to drink was skunked beer, so I ended up just being anxious and alone. Staring at all the cis guys with their wider bone structure that lets them fill out men's clothes, all the while having no one to talk to. Safe to say, I'm incredibly depressed for the night. Oh, and then Bottom of the Bottle by Hollywood Undead came on in my car. That, uh...definitely didn't help pick me up...

I made the mistake of clicking on a thread in the Politics forum and read post that defends the criminalization of homosexuality, declaring such a thing to NOT be bigotry.

Right, I forgot. I'm queer and therefore I should just let the majority tell me what's right and wrong in my sex life.

Blargh.

Insomnia. AGAIN. What's worse is...once 4 am passes, I start to go to really strange and upsetting places mentally. *sigh* It's now almost 6 am. Screw it, I'm not even going to try to sleep anymore, I'll just stay up all the time until I pass out for a few hours.

Quote from: Prof HB on May 21, 2013, 06:48:54 AM
Insomnia. AGAIN. What's worse is...once 4 am passes, I start to go to really strange and upsetting places mentally. *sigh* It's now almost 6 am. Screw it, I'm not even going to try to sleep anymore, I'll just stay up all the time until I pass out for a few hours.

I got 3 hours of sleep the other night, and it's probably what made me suicidal for a little while. That was not a fun time.

I'm realizing that in the moment of confrontation I get really meek and complacent when I should be getting angry. Well, the moment has passed and now I'm angry. My roommate was complaining that he's trying to use my name and it's so hard and he just needs a little time because he's known me for so long. Well guess what buddy, my sister knew me for 18 years before I chose a different name, and she does just fine. Not perfect, but a heck of a lot better than you've been doing.

My friend just pointed out that I knew myself for 20 years before I changed my name and I'm doing a fine job of it. 😛

Quote from: Prof HB on May 21, 2013, 06:48:54 AM
Insomnia. AGAIN. What's worse is...once 4 am passes, I start to go to really strange and upsetting places mentally. *sigh* It's now almost 6 am. Screw it, I'm not even going to try to sleep anymore, I'll just stay up all the time until I pass out for a few hours.

I've got just the thing to help you..

🔗 [Link: youtube.com/watch/]

It's a speech by former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown.. here you can hear him speaking publicly for nearly 50 minutes.

Hope it helps.

So there I was in my undies....Blerg! 

Dawww  Shan.  I think we all feel like that.  I know I do!   X

There is peanut butter all over the living room. All the dirty laundry was taken out of the hamper. Chocolate milk was spilled on my bed.

I felt something click in my back and now I'm walking like a half shut pen knife,slowly and painfully

I am apprehensive about talking to my therapist today. She hasn't sent the letter like she told me she would and last time I talked to her she was very rude, aggressive, and didn't listen to me at all.

Tried to complete the paperwork & get a photo taken so that I can update my driving licence to reflect my correct name & gender. Should be simple, right?

I couldn't do it.

I wound up having an autistic meltdown because I couldn't figure out the correct procedure and there was no explanatory information to help. It's like they expect everyone to know what to do & who to talk to - and being autistic, I don't know their secret handshake.

On top of that, I was massively triggered the other day by a thread here and it's made me question whether it's worth my while continuing, because my life is always going to have lots of 'buts' in it. As in: yes, I really am a guy and I always have been for as long as I can remember... but I don't have the private parts you want so you probably won't want me, or you'll think of me as being really a girl. This 'female' thing that I was born with is always going to follow me around; I can't see how I can ever be 100% rid of it. And I desperately, desperately need to be 100% rid of it.

Life's tough enough when you're trans. Boy, is it tough. But when you're also autistic, it's pretty much impossible. 🙁