I don't know how you ever know for sure if someone knows your trans before it gets to the hot and heavy stage with lots of petting. But if you're post-op and are just in it for a one-night stand, no need to tell. However, if you want a relationship, you should obviously tell beforehand and not let it get that far. Just like a cis girl would. A lot of it will depend on the quality of the vaginoplasty as well. I don't think sweeter words were ever spoken: vaginoplasty!

If you're pre-op and it gets that far and you're drunk and you need it to stop, one word: period. It'll stop. A guy still might want you to, ya know, satisfy him. With women, you don't have to worry about violence. (though it is still a possibility as most women can beat me up.) I also think they will be more understanding if it gets that far. But not always. Just in general.

For the record I am almost 8 years post-op and I pass very well. The issue of passing is a complicated one I think. It's much easier to know one is not passing than to know one is. To me it was it was a somewhat difficult to reach realization that I was in fact passing consistently. I somehow knew I was passing well but I was for the longest time skeptical and suspected everyone was just humoring me. It wasn't until medical examiner in the emergency room asked me if I knew if I was pregnant or not I knew for sure. Also it helped to sort of date a guy for a while without him finding out. Again it was the concern about pregnancy that confirmed it for me. Unfortunately he turned out to be a jerk trapped in the body of a homunculus so I dropped him like a hot potato without him ever knowing.

Getting in bed with this guy wasn't something I really planned on when it happened. It just sort of happened, and though I always thought I would be very stressed out in such a situation I found that it really wasn't all that stressful after all. In fact, I sort of went away with him on a trip and came to realize that I didn't give it much thought at all. Once you know you know, and then you stop worrying.

Going out with someone who knows is way worse than going out with someone who doesn't know. You never know what the hell they might say or do. There was this one guy I went on a few dates with. He knew, and when he invited me to dinner at his place he greeted me in the door way wearing a boa scarf, black women's tank top and pink lipstick O_O What the hell was he thinking? Did he really think I would be into that sort of thing? I'm pretty damn well sure he wouldn't have done that if he didn't know about my past. I spent the whole evening being incredible irritated by the image of the ultra gay looking man sitting across the table from me.

I've also had guys who knew and were into me tell me how they are totally okay with my past because they are secretly bi and have always fantasized about having sex with another man O_O

Dating men who knows most often end up feeling like dating as a male cross dresser rather than dating as a woman. I hate it. It's not really worth it to me anymore. I think I'd rather be without.

@MariaMx: You make a very good argument. I will never get why some guys think trans women like to have penetrative sex. Or even can. I couldn't have it if I tried. Nor would I want to. But a lot of people think we are just these sex starved creatures and it's frustrating to no end. Makes me want to become a lesbian. Well maybe not lol

Yes Joanna. That is what a lot of people think, especially guys. For some strange reason they think I like to hear about they mastubated in their sister panties or some crap like that over a candle light dinner. They think I get turned on and like hearing about this sheit.

The thing is, they don't do this sort of thing if they think you are cis. I know because non of the guys I've dated who didn't know ever said any of these things. I think dating women would have been a hell of a lot easier, but as luck would have it I've never been attracted to women so it's not really an option.

In my wilder years (mid 1970s) I never told any of  the guys I slept with - I figured it was none of their business - and none were any the wiser. Later on, when I was looking for a relationship, I was more upfront about it. A lot of guys took a powder when they found out. Now, so many years later, I don't care if they know or not.

Quote from: MariaMx on May 24, 2013, 10:56:00 AM
Yes Joanna. That is what a lot of people think, especially guys. For some strange reason they think I like to hear about they mastubated in their sister panties or some crap like that over a candle light dinner. They think I get turned on and like hearing about this sheit.

The thing is, they don't do this sort of thing if they think you are cis. I know because non of the guys I've dated who didn't know ever said any of these things. I think dating women would have been a hell of a lot easier, but as luck would have it I've never been attracted to women so it's not really an option.

This X 10000000

WTF is wrong with people? Just because I'm trans I do not need nor want to hear how you were abused as a child, what sort of fetish fantasies you have, or strange places you have stuck Mr. Willy on our first (and last) date. This usually comes from the old creepers which I totally avoid now anyway. Yet another reason I don't disclose upfront. Ewwww.

Quote from: JennX on May 24, 2013, 02:54:27 PM
This X 10000000

WTF is wrong with people? Just because I'm trans I do not need nor want to hear how you were abused as a child, what sort of fetish fantasies you have, or strange places you have stuck Mr. Willy on our first (and last) date. This usually comes from the old creepers which I totally avoid now anyway. Yet another reason I don't disclose upfront. Ewwww.

Quote from: MariaMx on May 24, 2013, 10:56:00 AM
Yes Joanna. That is what a lot of people think, especially guys. For some strange reason they think I like to hear about they mastubated in their sister panties or some crap like that over a candle light dinner. They think I get turned on and like hearing about this sheit.

The thing is, they don't do this sort of thing if they think you are cis. I know because non of the guys I've dated who didn't know ever said any of these things. I think dating women would have been a hell of a lot easier, but as luck would have it I've never been attracted to women so it's not really an option.

Oh come on.  Who doesn't find it sexy to know that the guy they're dating likes to masturbate in their sister's panties or all their fetishes?  Call me a romantic, but it isn't a good first date without that. 

Seriously though, I think it's a matter of when you disclose it.  If you tell them before you start dating, you may get some interesting guys.   However, if you tell someone after getting to know him, it might work out well.  I know girls who have found that strategy to work. 

Quote from: learningtolive on May 24, 2013, 03:14:19 PM
If you tell them before you start dating, you may get some interesting guys.   

If your definition of "interesting" includes: pervs, weirdos, ->-bleeped-<-s, creepers, crossdressers, eat-me-beat-me guys, guys in to extreme watersports (I'm not talking white water rafting either), human raw sewage dumps, guys in to furry costumes, baby behavior, and fun stuff with animals (well not for the animal)... you might find someone that meets your definition of "interesting". Been there, done that. Never, ever, again.

Even when I was pre-op I never disclosed until the third date... and that was only after I made sure they were worth the effort. Few made it that far. The majority of the ones that did stuck around though. So I had to be doing something right I guess?

In the UK they just charged and sentenced a FTM trans guy for not disclosing up front that he was trans. He didn't even have penetrative sex as he is pre op I believe. I am pretty sure about that.  I think it was over a kiss, but it could have been a bit more.

Scary.

While I would not want to in any way attempt to excuse the behaviour of the legal system, which in the case I think you are referring to (involving a trans man in a long-term relationship), is utterly incomprehensible; I feel I ought to point out that it was a Scottish court. Scotland retained a degree of judicial independence during the act of union (England needed a King, Scotland had an acceptable one spare) which means the legal system is a bit different north of the border.

What surprised me most about this is that the Scottish care pathway for trans folk is so much better than the rest of the UK but the conviction for fraud still stood.

Rosie.