Okay, I don't feel like typing this out again, and erght, I know I'm probably not posting this in the right section.

But...here we go, I'd like some imput...or something...
http://seth-in-a-jar.tumblr.com/post/51490449181/okay-scared

*scuttles away*

Venom, you basically described me.  Although for some reason I still have times in which I want to be girly.  Sometimes I like to wear dresses..but it ends up being random moods...  I'm with you in the closet.  So now you won't be alone.

I can't tell you what or who you are.  That's up to you.  However, I can tell  you that I felt the author of that post was deep into self denial.  IT sounds like you are looking for a way out and learn that you aren't transgender.  I have felt that before and have tried changing myself, but it didn't work.  I would suggest you listen to yourself and not your parents, your pastor, anyone here, etc..  Only you can discover yourself. 

You wrote that today but I have been checking your other posts on the site here and you seem more sure of yourself around here, why are you less sure now? What is causing this doubt? Pressure from parents and your religious leaders? I had the same problems and it led to some serious problems in my life which hurt me. I regretted not going ahead with a decision to transition when I wanted to. I had decided to at 23 but stopped due to external pressure. I am happier now that I am living for my own decision. Look to who you are inside yourself and understand your own person, don't let others force you to be who they make you. This can be your decision. You may have to wait for money for certain things but you can do it. 

I've been asking myself, endlessly. Pondering...am i really transgender? Or even close to being one? If I tell my friends I'm a boy, they just laugh, as if it's a joke. THey just keep calling me the insane female they see me as. Are they right? Is all this questioning just the fantasies of a young child trapped in her fantasy world? The fears of my family shunning me, the gnawing pain in my gut when I look into the mirror...are these truly just figments of my malleable imagination?

So many of us spent endless time in this circle of doubt that can lead to despair.  You may not yet have clear answers but what you describe certainly sounds very typically like gender dysphoria and trans identity talk.  I hoped my fantasies would be enough and sometimes they did help but my repressed feelings and ideas just would not stay away and my fears were mostly BS stories I convinced myself of.  The world is a better place when you feel more like the true you!  Keep pondering but take another step or two down that path and keep those boxer shorts handy;-)

TJ

I...Ah...Thanks guys...

@Darkie
Ahaha, it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels like that.

@learningtolive
I can definitely say that I deny myself a lot more than the average human should. My problem is that I can't trust myself, so I try to belive what everyone says about me: They say I'm a girl, so I try to believe that, no matter how unhappy it makes me. I guess that's why I keep trying to seek outside confirmation about being transgendered.


@vengie271
I was brought up in a family where every girl must dress proper, wear heels, use makeup, have big lucious breasts, and must embrace femininity. My parents often said that being Gay/ Transgender was a choice, and that people who "choose" to be gay or transgender deserve to be punished by God. There are times, like yesterday, where I'm on the computer, wrapped up in a blanket, and I forget about all of that.
And then, there are times where I talk to my dad and then my brain flips out.

@Tessa James
That...actually makes sense  Thank you. It's easier said than done, as I'm sure most of you know, though.
And don't worry, those boxers won't be going anywhere soon!

Quote from: VenomGaia on May 27, 2013, 03:40:26 PM
@vengie271
I was brought up in a family where every girl must dress proper, wear heels, use makeup, have big lucious breasts, and must embrace femininity. My parents often said that being Gay/ Transgender was a choice, and that people who "choose" to be gay or transgender deserve to be punished by God. There are times, like yesterday, where I'm on the computer, wrapped up in a blanket, and I forget about all of that.
And then, there are times where I talk to my dad and then my brain flips out.

1) thats Vegie not vengie just a little detail I am strict Vegan

2) I do understand  I was raised Fundamentalist Southern Baptist, and had serious problems with my transition, I had doubts myself, so I do get it, I actually detransitioned because of some problems and I went through reparative therapy. I am trying to get you to get some courage to stand up to this onslaught that you face. Not because I am saying you are weak but because I think you can do it.  , youhae an idea of who you are, you just need to stand pat with your beliefs in yourself against these attacks.

Op, why is it you believe you can't trust yourself?  Aren't you in the best position to know who you are and how you feel?  Nonetheless, I would encourage you to speak with a therapist or counsellor if you could.

Quote from: vegie271 on May 27, 2013, 04:28:00 PM

1) thats Vegie not vengie just a little detail I am strict Vegan

Ah! Verry sorry, that was a typo on my part
Thank you for the advice, though ;w; I'm trying not to be such a wimp, hearing other people's suggestions and opinions is helping a bit...

@learningtolive
I don't know how to explain that, really. I think I just over analyze certain things to the point where I don't even understand what I've been analyzing in the first place. I would try to speak to a therapist about it, but to be honest, every time I try, I just chicken out because I'm scared that they'll tell my loved ones and then everything's going to explode, then implode, then explode again in my face. I end up saying that I wish my body were different, and then they always tell me that I can make an effort to change it; nothing's set in stone. While it's good advice, it doen't help considering WHAT I want to change...
Anyway, i can't speak to any professionals until my family gets insurance again 

I was terrified to speak to a therapist before I did.  Now that I am seeing one, I feel a lot better and very comfortable.  It's scarier sounding than it is in reality.  As for insurance, you can always see if they would take you on a sliding scale fee.  A lot of therapists are willing to accommodate those in need or without insurance.

Quote from: vegie271 on May 27, 2013, 04:28:00 PM

1) thats Vegie not vengie just a little detail I am strict Vegan

It's awesome that you are able to commit to a vegan diet.  I have been a strict vegetarian for years and "try" to be as vegan as possible.  However, I always cheat.  I wish I could have that commitment and discipline.   Sorry for the tangent. 

No one can tell you who you are and how you feel.
You don't have to be anyone's cute girlfriend, if you haven't already done so, explore a bit more with clothes, hairstyles, work out etc and see how you feel. I appreciate it must be really difficult to do that growing up in a religious household.

I am a bit concerned with some of what has been posted by other users:

"That's up to you.  However, I can tell  you that I felt the author of that post was deep into self denial.  IT sounds like you are looking for a way out and learn that you aren't transgender.  I have felt that before and have tried changing myself, but it didn't work."

That may have been the case for you, but i don't think you should be telling venomgaia what he is. You have to look at all the options, it's not looking for a way out, its finding out what may be right for you. It's a self-realisation process, a process we can of course can get therapy and counsel from professionals in the field, but a process we must make for ourselves.

As for your Pastor... maybe kick him in the testicles and whisper in his ear 'i want to feel your pain' as he hunches over.

From everything you wrote, all the strong feelings about how much you don't want to be female and desire to be male instead, it sure doesn't sound like you're imagining anything to me. One thing that you wrote that caught my attention was "I like to think that I'm male, but everything about me screams female, woman, girl, etc." Just because you feel like certain parts of you seem more feminine than masculine, that doesn't mean that you're imagining things.

I know my situation is different from yours since I enjoy being female and male, but I can understand feeling as if my thoughts and feelings conflict with other aspects of myself (in my case, my appearance and my personality). For example, I can be very emotionally sensitive, have a lot of feminine interests, have long hair, wear make-up, wear skirts and dresses, and generally have a very feminine face and body type. All of those things have made me question many times before whether or not I am truly transgender. But then I stop and I realize that my personality, my interests, and my appearance don't change the fact that I feel just as happy, if not happier, being dressed as a male and referred to as a male. None of those things change the fact that I sometimes wish I had a male body instead of a female body.

Quote from: Bardoux on May 28, 2013, 05:33:56 AM
No one can tell you who you are and how you feel.
You don't have to be anyone's cute girlfriend, if you haven't already done so, explore a bit more with clothes, hairstyles, work out etc and see how you feel. I appreciate it must be really difficult to do that growing up in a religious household.

I am a bit concerned with some of what has been posted by other users:

"That's up to you.  However, I can tell  you that I felt the author of that post was deep into self denial.  IT sounds like you are looking for a way out and learn that you aren't transgender.  I have felt that before and have tried changing myself, but it didn't work."

That may have been the case for you, but i don't think you should be telling venomgaia what he is. You have to look at all the options, it's not looking for a way out, its finding out what may be right for you. It's a self-realisation process, a process we can of course can get therapy and counsel from professionals in the field, but a process we must make for ourselves.

As for your Pastor... maybe kick him in the testicles and whisper in his ear 'i want to feel your pain' as he hunches over.

If you had read my full quote, you would see that I was telling him to discover himself and not take the opinions of others.  I shared my own experience and personal interpretation, but I believe I made it clear that he should follow his own heart and will- not that of anyone here, in his family, or in the clergy.  Then I suggested therapy in the next post.  I would never tell anyone who or what they are.  That is not my place or anyone else's here.  So, I'm in agreement with you and your advice. Self discovery and introspection is the only way to really learn about your identity.  If anyone took it a different way, I apologize.

Quote from: Bardoux on May 28, 2013, 05:33:56 AM
No one can tell you who you are and how you feel.
You don't have to be anyone's cute girlfriend, if you haven't already done so, explore a bit more with clothes, hairstyles, work out etc and see how you feel. I appreciate it must be really difficult to do that growing up in a religious household.

I am a bit concerned with some of what has been posted by other users:

"That's up to you.  However, I can tell  you that I felt the author of that post was deep into self denial.  IT sounds like you are looking for a way out and learn that you aren't transgender.  I have felt that before and have tried changing myself, but it didn't work."

That may have been the case for you, but i don't think you should be telling venomgaia what he is. You have to look at all the options, it's not looking for a way out, its finding out what may be right for you. It's a self-realisation process, a process we can of course can get therapy and counsel from professionals in the field, but a process we must make for ourselves.

As for your Pastor... maybe kick him in the testicles and whisper in his ear 'i want to feel your pain' as he hunches over.

What did I possibly write for you to be concerned about? He had one moment of self doubt in one post, but he has many posts here where he is very sure of himself.  I actually did go through and read every post he made to this site to understand better and I stand by the fact that the man he knows himself to be, the one he has expressed himself so often on this site wants to be out.  The preponderance of the evidence is there. Of course the decision, as always in every transition is his in the end.