Lately, I depression is sucking me down. I haven't come out to anyone in my family or friends (except the lady I love) and I constantly feel conscious of this body (I am pre-op and pre-T) I do bind chest, but it is of no help lately and lower body dysphoria is very high.. I feel I have a penis, but then.. reality sucks (Does this happen to anybody else?) This has left me so down that I cannot concentrate on anything and my behavior towards my family has become very abnormal. I get irritated too, way too, often. Even a petty matter gets me down and shouting. My relationship on a negative phase for this.  I don't know how long would I be able to take this, I cannot come out to my family - I don't think they'll accept me. Dysphoria has surpassed the threshold level and I don't want to be alive anymore.

I desperately need some help. And I have nowhere to go about this. Any suggestions from you guys would be of a great help.

Thanks in advance. 

*hugs*

Yes, dysphoria can be rough. Depression can be VERY rough...other than *hugs*, I'd suggest first letting your lady know how you feel, anxiety and all, and then get an appt with your doc asap and ask about anti-anxiety meds. S/he may also prescribe anti-depressants, if so start out with mild ones, at a small dose.

Meds aren't a cure, by any means, but they may help you cope with severe attacks like this. Suicidal feelings tend to be severe, but also temporary...please don't do anything to harm yourself.

Good luck, hope you get better!

*hugs as well*  I agree with Beth, talk to your lady.  Explain your feelings.  Keeping everything bottled up definitely isn't going to help and you will probably feel better getting everything out. You should also see about talking to someone about your fears and thoughts over everything.  Depression can be really hard to beat, I still struggle myself most of the time.  But, we are all here for you.

I can relate a lot with what you wrote.  I'm going through something similar myself (just opposite gender).  Have you talked to a therapist about this?  They might help put you on the path to transitioning if that's what you want.  Also, if you haven't done so, going to a support groups does a lot.  It's awesome to know you aren't alone and it's very rewarding share your experience.   Plus, you get some really helpful feedback.

As for your family, is there a reason you feel they won't accept you?   I feel the same way and go through great difficulties facing my inevitable coming out.  Still, many people have had the same fears, but their families ended up being receptive.  While it will likely take time for them to adjust, their is likely a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Wishing you well. 

Ethan, I know exactly how you feel: I'm going throught the exact same thing.

All I can do is agree with what everyone has already said: You're going to need to talk to someone about this, and if your partner is the only one you can trust, then you'll have to talk to them. keeping these emotions bottled up isn't going to do anything for you: it's going to make things worse, no matter what you think.
I don't know if I can suggest coming out, really. As I have not done that yet, I don't know what it's going to be like. But I CAN say this: if you dysphoria is so bad, that one more day in your current body might mean the death of you, you should not force yourself to keep pretending to be something you're not. I don't want to see anyone hurt themselves because they couldn't get the help they need.

I'd suggest anti-depessants, like Beth said. I currently take some, and while they don't help with my dysphoria, they certainly keep me from just laying on the floor and crying for hours on end about it.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 27, 2013, 11:59:10 AM
I can relate a lot with what you wrote.  I'm going through something similar myself (just opposite gender).  Have you talked to a therapist about this?  They might help put you on the path to transitioning if that's what you want.  Also, if you haven't done so, going to a support groups does a lot.  It's awesome to know you aren't alone and it's very rewarding share your experience.   Plus, you get some really helpful feedback.

As for your family, is there a reason you feel they won't accept you?   I feel the same way and go through great difficulties facing my inevitable coming out.  Still, many people have had the same fears, but their families ended up being receptive.  While it will likely take time for them to adjust, their is likely a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Wishing you well.

Yes, transition is what I want. Being not on my own financially, I cannot see a therapist for the moment. Support groups, yes. They are what I am dependent on these days. As for my family, I have fears. I hope I can explain this to them soon.

Thank you for your support.  I feel less anxious.

*Hugs* You have all of us rooting for you.

Beth, Darkie and VenomGaia - Thank you very much for the support and hugs. I needed that so desperately. I shall consider being on anti-depressants.

Quote from: Ethan on May 28, 2013, 12:37:45 AM
Beth, Darkie and VenomGaia - Thank you very much for the support and hugs. I needed that so desperately. I shall consider being on anti-depressants.

Just make sure, if they prescribe them and you think they aren't working, for the love of Osiris, DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY. The doctors have to wean you off of it.  If you want to hear what happens to you when you DO quit cold turkey, I can tell you in PMs.  But trust me, DON'T.

Ethan,

There is usually support in Susans chatroom.

There may be a free or really  cheap therapist in your area... especially if there is a psychology school near you.  I can't afford therapy at all, but there is a school in my area with a clinic.  It is really cheap and I get to see a student... who seems to be really good... I've only been to one session so far, but it seems to help.

I'm learning mindful meditation to try to help with my depression and anxiety.  I'm not sure if it can help with dysphoria, but it will help your overall mental health. 

As for the dysphoria, try not to dwell too much on your appearance and the things that you feel are negative about your body.  Distract yourself with other things, or find things about your body that you do like. 

Kate Bornstein wrote a book that is mostly about suicide alternatives.  I didn't need it any more by the time I found it in the library, but I think it actually could have helped me when I was really down.  It at least provides good distractions.

Quote from: Darkie on May 28, 2013, 12:40:40 AM
Just make sure, if they prescribe them and you think they aren't working, for the love of Osiris, DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY. The doctors have to wean you off of it.  If you want to hear what happens to you when you DO quit cold turkey, I can tell you in PMs.  But trust me, DON'T.

I think I need more advise on it.

Quote from: bunyip on May 28, 2013, 12:55:49 AM
Ethan,

There is usually support in Susans chatroom.

Thanks. I'll try there. I am a little introvert so generally don't catch up

Quote from: Nyri on May 28, 2013, 01:49:11 AM
There may be a free or really  cheap therapist in your area... especially if there is a psychology school near you.  I can't afford therapy at all, but there is a school in my area with a clinic.  It is really cheap and I get to see a student... who seems to be really good... I've only been to one session so far, but it seems to help.

I'm learning mindful meditation to try to help with my depression and anxiety.  I'm not sure if it can help with dysphoria, but it will help your overall mental health. 

As for the dysphoria, try not to dwell too much on your appearance and the things that you feel are negative about your body.  Distract yourself with other things, or find things about your body that you do like. 

Kate Bornstein wrote a book that is mostly about suicide alternatives.  I didn't need it any more by the time I found it in the library, but I think it actually could have helped me when I was really down.  It at least provides good distractions.

I cannot afford a therapist, but yeah, shall check out about psychology school. There are things I love to do, enough of distractions but none of them work when I am really down. Thanks for suggesting Kate Bornstein's book. I shall check it out.

A lot of therapists out there are willing to work on a sliding scale and accommodate you.  You never know.  It's possible that you can find one that you'll be able to afford.  It doesn't hurt to reach out and see.

As for medication, there is no shame with using a prescribed SSRI or SNRI for depression or anxiety, but they will not solve or take away dysphoria issues.  Many here can attest to that.  Also, meds without a generic form are not cheap and are much more expensive than therapy. Still, it can make things more manageable if that is what you need.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 28, 2013, 10:36:53 AM
A lot of therapists out there are willing to work on a sliding scale and accommodate you.  You never know.  It's possible that you can find one that you'll be able to afford.  It doesn't hurt to reach out and see.

As for medication, there is no shame with using a prescribed SSRI or SNRI for depression or anxiety, but they will not solve or take away dysphoria issues.  Many here can attest to that.  Also, meds without a generic form are not cheap and are much more expensive than therapy. Still, it can make things more manageable if that is what you need.

I believe dysphoria will go away only with transition, which will take time and patience. Therapy/medication is all I can bank on for now - I have to make it an underground activity to hide from my family.
Thanks. 

I was on a high dose of a very heavy anti anxiety med for 2 years. I quit cold turkey because I had no other choice. The pain was immense. I couldn't do anything for half a month because I was in agony. So I wouldn't suggest that. More on-topic, I was having extreme depression about my chest yesterday. I mean it was BAD. So I talked to  my Gf and she helped me feel better, so I would suggest always letting your significant other in on your feelings.

Quote from: Lance on May 28, 2013, 11:42:49 AM
I was on a high dose of a very heavy anti anxiety med for 2 years. I quit cold turkey because I had no other choice. The pain was immense. I couldn't do anything for half a month because I was in agony. So I wouldn't suggest that. More on-topic, I was having extreme depression about my chest yesterday. I mean it was BAD. So I talked to  my Gf and she helped me feel better, so I would suggest always letting your significant other in on your feelings.

Sad to know what you went through. Now it looks like anti-depressants may help a little but harmful for a long run.
Hope things go good with all of us here.

So it has been two-three days since I was too anxious, went down emotionally. Thank you everyone for the support, I felt I had no one to turn to.. I feel better now, not on dysphoria, but at least depression doesn't hamper me. Glad I came here.

You have plenty of brothers and sisters here if you ever need anything, Ethan. Don't ever hesitate to ask for help. We gotcha dude