Hey guys, I'll go to my grandma on this weekend, and I'm not out to her. I changed a lot in the past half year but she didn't even mentioned it. To nobody in my family (they all know what I'm doing). I'm thinking about telling her, cause I just can't stand her using my birth name in every ->-bleeped-<-ing sentence. And anyway she tells me stuff that how should I act and should do things cause I'll never have a husband etc. She's above 80 and my mom thinks I shouldn't tell her anything cause she'll have a heart attack or something. Am I selfish and need to just let go these things? She's also very conservative, transphob and against gay and black people  Except these things I love her and I know she loves me too...I don't know. Is there any of you who came out to his grandparents? What did you tell them and how did they handle? Thanks in advance.

This is just personally my story because everyone's family is different. When I was out as "gay" before I came out as trans, my grandmother was against it and tried making me "straight". When I came out as trans my mom told my grandmother. To my complete surprise my grandmother completely stuck up for me and was all for my transition. She is very religious and for some reason was ok with me being trans but not gay. She told my family that being trans is how you're born and it's a real thing that can be medically treated. She is 80 as of last week and is one of my biggest supporters.

If your close enough with your grandmother that you think she should know and feel like you need to tell her then I saw go for it. Best of luck to you either way.

I think understanding is key to acceptation. A lot of people do not understand what trans is, and usually confuse it with crossdressing and the like, which has a negative social tone to it. Perhaps you can tell her and try to explain to her exactly what it means, and what it doesn't mean. It's nothing gay related, so perhaps she'll understand its more of a medical condition?

The reason I'm telling this is because my grandparents are both over 80 as well. They are very religious and conservative. Maybe not downright anti-gay (my brother is gay and they accepted that) or racist, but still. The week before I talked to them about me being trans, my grandmother had a meeting at her woman's group. In that group a transwoman told them her story. She told them about how difficult it had been to be born in the wrong body, she told them about the transition process. Everything. It created a of of understanding in a group of 70+ people. So when I went over to my grandparents to talk about my trans status, they really understood it a lot better because they knew what it was about, and they knew how hard it was to be a trans person. They kinda accepted it right away and focused more on me getting happy again, matching my outer shell with my inner me, instead of being trans and thus weird.

So perhaps that would work for you too? I don't know your grandmother, of course. And sometimes people do simply not want to understand, so it may not work.

Quote from: Michael Joseph on May 29, 2013, 11:57:51 AM
This is just personally my story because everyone's family is different. When I was out as "gay" before I came out as trans, my grandmother was against it and tried making me "straight". When I came out as trans my mom told my grandmother. To my complete surprise my grandmother completely stuck up for me and was all for my transition. She is very religious and for some reason was ok with me being trans but not gay. She told my family that being trans is how you're born and it's a real thing that can be medically treated. She is 80 as of last week and is one of my biggest supporters.

If your close enough with your grandmother that you think she should know and feel like you need to tell her then I saw go for it. Best of luck to you either way.

I'm glad your grandma is that supportive with you. I get it that for some people it's just more acceptable being trans than gay. My cousin is gay and he didn't tell her he is but it's so obvious at every christmas he brings his actual boyfriend, while everyone brings their family. I think she knows inside she just don't want to say it, that's her way to "accept" it. I think that's what she does to me too. Thank you for commenting and the wishes.

Quote from: Mr.X on May 29, 2013, 12:09:59 PM
I think understanding is key to acceptation. A lot of people do not understand what trans is, and usually confuse it with crossdressing and the like, which has a negative social tone to it. Perhaps you can tell her and try to explain to her exactly what it means, and what it doesn't mean. It's nothing gay related, so perhaps she'll understand its more of a medical condition?

The reason I'm telling this is because my grandparents are both over 80 as well. They are very religious and conservative. Maybe not downright anti-gay (my brother is gay and they accepted that) or racist, but still. The week before I talked to them about me being trans, my grandmother had a meeting at her woman's group. In that group a transwoman told them her story. She told them about how difficult it had been to be born in the wrong body, she told them about the transition process. Everything. It created a of of understanding in a group of 70+ people. So when I went over to my grandparents to talk about my trans status, they really understood it a lot better because they knew what it was about, and they knew how hard it was to be a trans person. They kinda accepted it right away and focused more on me getting happy again, matching my outer shell with my inner me, instead of being trans and thus weird.

So perhaps that would work for you too? I don't know your grandmother, of course. And sometimes people do simply not want to understand, so it may not work.

Yes, I'm thinking of telling her as a medical condition. I'm not sure she will understand cause once we were watching TV and randomly in the news there was a trans person I don't remember why did she got into the news, and my grandma said it's disgusting. Of course the media didn't explain what does it mean to be trans just the surgical stuff. She knows I had massive depression for years and took meds, now I'm coming off of them, maybe if I remind her how did I feel and she looks at me now as I'm more happier, she could understand. But I'm afraid she's the type who don't want to hear it, she likes to be in denial about these things. But that's great that your grandma heard it from someone who's kinda close to her, and after that you told her too.

well, I came out to my dads parents and it was terrible, she was calm over the phone but told me she had to go and would call me later, she never called again.  I had to see her twice since then and both times were for weddings where I was dressed in formal male attire, she never said a word to me, or mentioned that i was even there, and she never looked at me either. When I was in the hospital for OD, she didn't even call to see how I was. For all I know I am dead to her, and am probably out of the will. My grandpa still acknowledged my existence and I gave him a hug, I think he would still talk to me now, but he is too whipped to try.

My moms mom is dead, and my moms dad doesn't understand it too well, but wants to understand and accepts it, but I don't ever talk to him.

My stepdads mom had a hard time understanding it but she totally accepted me and still talked to me and used my real name etc, but she died, her husband is just as accepting as she was.


I am sorry about your predicament, if you already know she is transphobic, the odds don't look good IMO.

She's my only living grandparent and I really don't want to lose her. I'm sorry you have a grandma who couldn't accept it, but also glad that the others could. If she comes to us for summer break, she'll get to know either way. I'd like if I could tell her, not hearing from others.

good luck whatever you decide to do, hopefully she may surprise you

and no worries, I didn't have a strong bond with my grandma anyway

Thank you very much, hope dies last.
Ok, that makes it "better".

Good luck with your grandmother.

Thank you!

I told my grandparents (who I grew up beside) way back in '97 when I was 15 years old. Due to apathy and marital issues with my parents my grandparents basically raised me in many ways. Out of everyone I thought I would get the most support from them, even if they were extreme Southern Baptists (yep, that's what the majority of my family is).

I remember telling my grandma during an episode of Ricki Lake. The topic was GLBT youth and there was one MTF on the show. I figured it was as good of a time as any so I told her how I felt. At the time I didn't really know what to call myself except a "transsexual" and I didn't want to scare her with that. I just told her I felt like more than a tomboy and that I should have been born a boy. When I got older I planned on going to the doctor to become a man. She turned to look at me and said I was an "Abomination to God". That was the one and only time we discussed it since she passed away Summer of that year. I wonder with time and transition how she would now view me if she were still here.

My grandpa on the other hand was and is one of my biggest supporters. All he says about it is I will always be his baby and he loves me. He has never slipped up on calling me Simon. I went to see him a couple days ago to take him some KFC, watermelon, and Pepsi (his favorites). He is in his mid 80's now and in really bad health. He does slip up on pronouns on occasion but he is allowed to do so. I never correct him. He is almost blind so while he hears my voice change he can't see me. I made sure to get his hand print the other day because I'm getting a tattoo of it. Oddly enough our hands are the same exact size. Sorry, just rambling about my papaw. When he dies a part of my heart will leave with him. That man is my hero.

Just play it by ear with your grandma. Be gentle and realize it may take a long time for her to accept. To those in that generation this is something unheard of or if they have heard of it...it wasn't something that was discussed. Best of luck!

I think it's a myth that anyone would get heart failure if told something that they wouldn't want to hear. I agree re: maybe something she would know nothing about. But that can actually work a bit in your favor. Without a lot of info, she may be less likely to hold a lot of opinions about it.

--Jay

I have one living grandma. The rest of my grandparents are dead. I wrote her a letter shortly after starting T and she wrote me a very nasty letter back. I have talked to her since, but I don't care to. She doesn't say anything to me directly about my transition, but says other things behind my back to other family members. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not calling like I do every year. Not dealing with it. I think no matter the outcome you have to stay as firm as you can and not let people sway you. It's your life and body. Do with it what you want.

My one living grandparent at the time of my transition was totally supportive, never effed up the pronouns, and even switched to calling me my kids' dad all without skipping a beat.  You never know.  But most of the people I know who are in their 70s and 80s have been very supportive.  My elderly aunt and uncle also were supportive; my aunt had worked with a transwoman in years past.


Jay

My grandparents aren't overly religious or anything but I'm never telling them for one sole reason, I want that inheritance money .  I have the benefit of living in a different country but normally visit the whole family at Xmas and for me I'm just going to have excuses stocked up not to go.  I only call via Skype on very, very, very rare occasions and most correspondence is through letters (old people, eh?  Lol)

For me, I know they're not going to accept it and tbh, in real life, I've no time for people like that anyway.  So already knowing in advance that they won't accept it means I'm not going to go down that road.  I don't need their approval at all.  At the end of the day it's up to you, but if you're somewhat sure they're not going to accept it, and they've just acted blind to your gay cousin, I personally would just go the same way and kinda ignore it or have excuses to be away during times they're around.  It could bring more grief than it's worth.  I'd weigh it up for yourself.  If they don't know already, is them knowing of that much importance to you?  I've gone to the people I care about most and if I have to think about whether someone will accept it, I then weigh up how important it is that they know and if I can live without them knowing, I just don't bother. 

Simon: good to see that you have a supportive and caring grandpa like him  I  hope you'll have him long in your life.
I didn't decided yet if I'll come out or not, I'll see what can I say and I'm gonna see my aunt before my grandma, maybe I'll ask her about it too.

Jay: I'm also not sure if it can be true. And you're right, I never thaught about it before, thank you!

Darrin: Of course, her opinion won't change my mind about transitioning, my whole family tried the "you're not trans enough" speach so I'm well trained in situations like this. Sorry about your grandma, but you let it go her ignorance if I read your comment right.

sneakersjay: That's really encouraging, and I'm glad you're in this situation with your family members

Jack: haha I never thaught about the inheritance, good thing you mentioned I give all the people a chance to accept it or not, who I really care about. My grandma is just a bit different...it's just the little things you know, I have 2 options: 1. I won't come out and everything stays the way it was and I can't go to public with her not even to the streets, she "outs" me everytime saying my name and if it's weird to someone she explains that I'm female. Because of this I don't really like to go to her, it makes me uncomfortable everytime, OTOH I miss her. 2. I'll come out and happens what happens.

Thanks for all of you for your experiences and advices, it was nice to read that many of you have accepting and supporting grandparents.

My Gram is 83 (81  when I came out) and my Ma told her only because I wasn't going to see her for a while and I wanted her to know.  Once we finally got around to talking about it I thanked her for her support and her response was "I'll always support my babies, and you'll always be one of my babies" (not gonna lie, I choked up a bit when that happened).  She and I chatted a few months ago about it and she admitted she did initially fear that I still wasn't going to be happy, but since she sees I'm a million times happier, shouldn't be happier for me.  She completely supports the fact that I'm gay and she's met my boyfriend and loves him.  I love this woman to death and I guess it meant a LOT to me to have her acceptance (along with the rest of the family) because in all technicality it's really family friends for 20+ years, but my sister and I were just "adopted" into the family when I was like 5 and the fact that we're not blood related doesn't mean a thing, she still seems me as her grandson no matter what (non-biological fam, gay, trans etc).  I was super scared to come out to that part of my family only because I was so afraid of the "well you're not TECHNICALLY related so we don't have to support you or claim you anymore", but that didn't happen with any of them.     

Paul, that's really great! She must be a nice person
Update: I didn't tell anything to my grandma cause as I arrived to her in my casual male clothing and 7 months on T look, she told me something like "You look beatiful, you're a grown up woman blah blah..." I couldn't say anything but "really?" And no, she wasn't sarcastic. I think she really likes to be in denial.

My grandparents are a little younger(in their 70s) and acted a lot like your grandmother before and after I told them. I started slow and wrote them a letter, which made my grandfather cry. They started using my new name over time, though, and things had their ups and downs. They didn't understand my transition, and they still don't understand it. But we care about each other, and I've learned to be patient with them. It's been a little over five years, and they've really come around. They use my name and proper pronouns consistently, with a little slip up now and then. My grandad has given me hand me down suits and nice clothes I can wear to job interviews and formal occasions, and I think he's starting to see me as his grandson while my grandma buys me men's clothes and is better about letting me be an adult and transition medically. I listen to their concerns and try to be kind to them, even if it gets frustrating at times.

Like others have said, you can be surprised. Sometimes people will be accepting and make an attempt to hear you out, sometimes they'll just be awful and dig their heels in. You don't have to come out to your grandmother if you're not ready to, but if you do, I would suggest either sitting down with her one on one and talking about it or writing her a letter. Just give things time and see where they go. If she's abusive towards you, don't continue interaction with her, it's not worth it. Go with what you feel is best. She might see your changes and not know what to say about them or how to feel, hence the comment she presented you with last time you saw her.

My grandma was not at all surprised. She fully supports me and says she prefers my male name to my birth name. She went on and on about how we're all people just trying to find our way in life, and she's glad I found mine. Yeah...I love my gramma.