Hello, everyone.

During this entire HRT process, it seems like my most common fear, one which I can never seem to shake no matter how far along I get, is the fear that I'm stuck... the fear that nothing else is going to change, and that I'm never going to get the smooth skin and soft face and natural feminine look that I see just about every single other trans-girl on the face of the earth get with HRT given enough time.

I know that this really isn't a rational fear, because I've been comparing my results to the results from other trans-girls on Youtube and the like since the very beginning, and so far I'm pretty much right on pace, or at least at the same point as many other girls who finally did get to the point that I'm hoping to get to one day. And yet I just can't seem to shake this fear, this fear that I'm stuck now, and that I'm never going to get to the point they're at. It just constantly feels like they're all so beautiful, and it seems like such an unattainable thing that I just can't seem to internalize in my brain that I really will get there some day if I'm just patient. I can never seem to understand this simple thought, and always end up freaking out and worrying and worrying and worrying.

I guess what spurned this is that I've been keeping a photo log since the very beginning, updating it every 3 weeks or so. And every single update before now, my skin looked smoother, I looked more and more feminine, and so I was able to keep the frightened voice out of my head for the most part. But this time, comparing my pictures from week 17 versus week 20, for the first time absolutely nothing looked different. In fact, for some reason, my face looked more masculine... my skin wasn't as smooth, it looked more muscular, and didn't look as clear or soft. And I'm just totally freaking out about it, and those fears of being stuck, those fears that I'm never going to get to the point of femininity that EVERY single trans-girl in the world seems to get to by the 1-year mark on HRT or so, is just overwhelming me. (And I've definitely gotten some boob growth since the last pictures, so it's not like nothing at all is changing, it's just mainly facial appearance and skin texture that I'm freaking out about.)

Is this a common fear? And please, someone who has gone through something similar, help my stupid irrational brain understand that it does get better and that I just have to be patient. I know that this is just one of those random trans-girl freakouts that will pass with time, but I still need some reassurance.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 30, 2013, 10:09:44 PM
But this time, comparing my pictures from week 17 versus week 20, for the first time absolutely nothing looked different. In fact, for some reason, my face looked more masculine... my skin wasn't as smooth, it looked more muscular, and didn't look as clear or soft.

I can give you assurance you're not alone hon.  I'm coming up just a few weeks behind you and I feel exactly what I quoted from you.  I see super successful HRT only transitions and-- it can be hard to deal with sometimes.

I do try to not be greedy and to just be thankful for what I have had happen and take anything else I may notice in the future as an additional blessing.  I try.  I don't always succeed.  I long for the feminine skin.  And my face, sometimes I feel like the only hope is FFS which I'm not really keen on.

Anyway, I don't want to grab the mic on your post Carrie, I'm just trying to say we're in this together.  I'm glad I'm not alone in my concerns.  I hope you find some comfort knowing you're not alone too.

Hi Carrie! You're a couple of months ahead of me, but certainly not alone in getting worried about development, and to an extent the end results.

While you may be over the 4 month mark, does that reflect the amount of time when your hormone levels are in the target ranges? How long did it take to get there? It's usually not at the right spot right from the start...

In my case, I'm a little over 10 weeks on E, and one week on an insignificant dose of spiro. At last check, my T levels are still well within the male range. So these 10 weeks really can't account for much in terms of physical changes. It's been all kinds of frustrating waiting weeks for an adjustment and more bloodwork.

Have faith, you'll get there

This is totally a 100% subjective assessment,  but I feel like the changes come in plateaus. There are definitely weeks that go by where I feel like nothing is changing and dysphoria slightly kicks in a little bit.

But more than anything I think it's just that: subjective assessments. I mean at some point you WILL be totally feminized- the process will be complete. There is no real way to know when that will happen. I think the most key thing is going full time and living as YOU. That way, no matter what hormonal changes happen to your body, you will be living the way you want and be seen the way you want to be seen. You can then take solace in who you are and find happiness the way you were meant to no matter which plateau of feminization the hormones have activated in your body.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 30, 2013, 10:09:44 PM
Is this a common fear? And please, someone who has gone through something similar, help my stupid irrational brain understand that it does get better and that I just have to be patient. I know that this is just one of those random trans-girl freakouts that will pass with time, but I still need some reassurance.

When I transitioned, I had no expectations whatsoever. I took no photos of progress. There was no YouTube to compare myself against. I think you're putting yourself under tremendous pressure if you're comparing yourself against other transitioners. That would be like teen girls comparing themselves against models in fashion mags and making themselves neurotic in the process. I'd say quit comparing, stop watching YouTube videos. Personally, I can't think of anything worse than watching YouTube videos where every frame is perfectly posed and the 99% rest is discarded. This will give you unrealistic expectations.

Is there a rush? You've been on HRT for 20 weeks? Give it 100 or even 150 weeks. Some of us progress on HRT faster than others, but ultimately reach the same end point. So, yes, all I can say is be patient and fgs stop comparing!

I completely agree with Nicolette and furthermore you are going to do it no matter what happens, yes? So sit back and enjoy the ride. You are going to be fine. Trust me.

I guess my situation is kind of a conundrum, because so much of my dysphoria is physical. So much of it is based around hating my own male features and wanting female features instead. I am indeed slowly starting to see these female features coming in as HRT is progressing, and the changes that I've gotten already are making me so happy. But I'm not there yet, not yet to that point where I'm actually happy with myself, not yet to the point where I'm seeing a girl when I look at myself in the mirror. I'm still looking at my skin and my musculature, both things which HRT almost always fixes, (and which are actually my biggest dysphoria triggers right now,) and just sighing because they're still on the masculine side of androgynous rather than on the female side. And I guess that's why I'm constantly afraid of getting stuck, because I'm constantly waiting for myself to start getting the soft skin and soft shape that every single other woman that I see has.  I suppose it's just a matter of self-acceptance. Sure I can present as female in public already without raising too many eyebrows, but without the physical features to go with it, I kind of feel I'm not really a woman yet.

I know, it's stupid, but this is what my transgender desires have been based around since day 1. I feel like socially, my desires are honestly a bit more fluid, although I definitely prefer presenting as female. But in terms of self-identity physically, I DEFINITELY identify as female, and have HATED having a male body ever since it started masculinizing in the first place. And that's why I'm waiting for my physical body to change with such eager anticipation. You're right, I could just transition now and that would be that. But the problem is, the social transition isn't the one that I'm really waiting for with the eagerest anticipation, it's the physical one. As jealous as I was of girls for their social experiences, I was WAY more jealous of their physical bodies. And again, I know this sounds stupid, but it's just how my mind works.

I really envy those of you who could just go out and transition and go full-time before even starting HRT and without even worrying about being passable. But I'm afraid I don't have that kind of courage. Because the physical part of it is so important to me, and I'm not there yet, I have a hard time accepting myself.

(And I don't feel like my expectations are too high either... again, they just come from watching transition videos on Youtube. And even those with VERY masculine features, and even those who were older than me, all eventually got the smooth skin and the softer shape that I'm yearning for after about 12 months or so on HRT. Some got it sooner, some later, but they all eventually got it. So again, I know my fears are pretty stupid, especially since again, I'm pretty much right on schedule compared to where most of them were at the 4.5-month mark, but again, I can't seem to get my brain to shut up, and I'm always worried that I'll never get there.)

(Side note: Dear God, is this middle school? Seriously. I feel like I'm acting like a 12-year-old girl freaking out about when she's going to get boobs. So I guess this is what it's like for every other person in the world who actually WANTS the changes of puberty to happen?)

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 31, 2013, 12:04:47 PM


I really envy those of you who could just go out and transition and go full-time before even starting HRT and without even worrying about being passable. But I'm afraid I don't have that kind of courage. Because the physical part of it is so important to me, and I'm not there yet, I have a hard time accepting myself.

Carrie I know it's scary to go out when you don't fully pass! I deal with that every time I go out and there is a possibility that I may never fully pass! But I can't let that stop me sure I wish I could wake up and look perfectly female but that's not realistic. By not going out and presenting as the person you want to be your only making your transition harder! There is so much more to passing than just looks and your not just going to magically going to be like oh I look like a woman now now I can go out as myself it so not that easy! Yeah I still get scared no matter how much I go out as myself but I can't let fear cheat me out of the amazing experiences I've had so far!  What's worse the embarrassment of going out while not fully passing? Or continuing to go out as somebody other than yourself?

Carrie don't worry, you are going to pass just fine trust me!! With the right attitude and confidence, I am positive you would even pass now. Do not worry too much about your skin. A lot of it might even be your skincare routine. On that note: you gotta start using coconut oil (unrefined extra virgin) to moisturize your skin. It will work WONDERS.

I really wouldn't worry too much. What you really need in order to build that confidence in yourself and consequent passibility is real life experience.

Now, I am not trying to rush you. I'm just saying that to me, you LOOK like you are ready. It seems to me that your physical features would allow you to pass no problem at all. So even if you aren't quite ready to go full time, take solace in the fact that you ARE lucky with what you have and you already have what it takes physically. It's just crazy how much presentation plays into it, hormones help but all in all it's just one small piece of the pie.

Yer doing great

Quote from: Jennygirl on May 31, 2013, 02:54:00 PM
On that note: you gotta start using coconut oil (unrefined extra virgin) to moisturize your skin. It will work WONDERS.

That's a coincidence. My sister-in-law was going on about the wonder of coconut oil just a few days ago.

Carrie, if you're worried about musculature then I recommend a calorie deficit diet. Any surplus weight carried around needs muscles to do so and will make it difficult to lose musculature. Loosing weight may actually boost your progress. If I had to wear, 24/7, a ruck sack of 80 or so pounds on my back, I'd be growing muscles all around, not losing. Your face looks to be feminising well.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 31, 2013, 12:04:47 PM
I know, it's stupid, but this is what my transgender desires have been based around since day 1. I feel like socially, my desires are honestly a bit more fluid, although I definitely prefer presenting as female. But in terms of self-identity physically, I DEFINITELY identify as female, and have HATED having a male body ever since it started masculinizing in the first place. And that's why I'm waiting for my physical body to change with such eager anticipation. You're right, I could just transition now and that would be that. But the problem is, the social transition isn't the one that I'm really waiting for with the eagerest anticipation, it's the physical one. As jealous as I was of girls for their social experiences, I was WAY more jealous of their physical bodies. And again, I know this sounds stupid, but it's just how my mind works.

There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want or going after your needs the way you want to have them met.  There is no one true path here.  There is just trying to find one that works for you.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 31, 2013, 12:04:47 PM
I really envy those of you who could just go out and transition and go full-time before even starting HRT and without even worrying about being passable. But I'm afraid I don't have that kind of courage. Because the physical part of it is so important to me, and I'm not there yet, I have a hard time accepting myself.

I just want to address this too cause I kind of did this--  I hit a breaking point that forced me to just go for it.  It didn't take courage, it took something had to give and going out pre-HRT just so I could be me was the only thing I had wiggle room on.  You'll get there hon.  Most importantly when you're ready and comfortable.