So I have come out to my wife several weeks ago. We have discussed it several times since then.

This morning we have decided to dissolve our marriage before we become enemies. Right now we still love each other very much and we love our son. At first it was rough and she was angry with me and called me selfish. Then things lightened up and we started to plan out what happens next.

My parents will disown me. Their pride will not be able to tolerate what they will feel is shame. But that's okay because my parents and I have not gotten along well for some time now. They don't understand how someone can be gay or lesbian much less why someone like me would want to be a girl. Especially when it is their only child.

So I am sticking with my wife's family and hopefully they will accept in time. My wife and I are hoping they will adopt me in some way and I can have family that accepts me and supports me that way. I love my nephews and nieces and I would miss them as well my sister in laws.

To be clear I haven't started any kind of transitioning yet other than practicing my voice in private and working out to get rid of the boy fat. I am seeing a therapist but its still early on.

I realize the above is a bit of rambling but I do plan on coming out to my sister in laws & mother in law over the next few days. Thanks if you are reading this and keep your fingers crossed for me.

It seems like you have it all planned out.  That's good.  I'm wishing you lots of luck. 

Quote from: learningtolive on June 01, 2013, 01:24:07 PM
It seems like you have it all planned out.  That's good.  I'm wishing you lots of luck.

Thanks learningtolive. Like most plans I expect Murphy's Law to happen but I really like my wife's family. I've been reading your thread on this topic too.

I hope things turn out even better than you plan

Have I mentioned that you girls are awesome? Because you are and this forum and so far everyone on it have been great.

Thank you and that's how we roll sort of speak. It is a support forum. We are hear to help and cheer you on through your transition

Sorry to hear the marriage is not working out. We're in similar spots - I came out to my wife about 3 months ago, and she moved out of the house the next day. We have since moved back together, but we have good and bad days.  We are both seeing a therapist, and she is also going to attend a trans spousal support group in a couple of weeks.  I have started laser on my face, growing hair out, dressing en femme, and getting earrings this weekend. She has been amazingly supportive, though we usually shed tears every four or five days. As promising as it all sounds, she has made pretty clear that while she supports my exploration and transition, once I start HRT it will be the end.

How did you come out to your wife, if you do not mind me asking?  Has your therapist helped out at all with managing the messaging and expectations?

Well I came out because I had a complete break down after a massive panic attack at work. I have an extremely stressful job working as an electronic medical records analyst. The CEO of the company I work for let it slip to the news paper that he intended to outsource some of our supply buying and tech support resources. Our CIO delivered a less than job assuring speech the following day to my department SO needless to say I started job hunting.

That led to fears about the patients I have seen die on my table from my Clincal days as an X-ray tech and that my mom might disclose my younger years where I would wear her clothes in secret and she found out. I was breaking up inside and all the planning and practice to be a man failed. So I told my wife thinking this would just pass and I'd be back to being the same old guy once again the next day. Not so much. The dreams of being a girl I started to remember more often, intensified and became more frequent. My usual routines of watching my myself for things that might be considered girls started breaking down. And my voice reverted back to my teens instead of the deeper tone at times so bad that I was mistaken by a coworker as being a woman over the phone.

So knowing that I would need therapy at the very least for the anxiety I disclosed it to my wife. The first time it didn't click. The second time I told her in the car that I was thinking of transitioning and she freaked out on me. The latest time was this morning and... It was better. We were better but she does not want to be married to a woman. Neither of us really hates the other. We still love each o and are the best of friends.

More importantly we both know that this won't be a quick change like pulling a bandaid. SO her youngest sister is coming over shortly and I will talk her then.

Christine, I wish you the best in telling your inlaws. I pray that they are accepting of the person you truly are.

Hugs.

So I told my wife's youngest sister last night. It was awkward and I felt like I was beating around the bush but I did finally get around to it. She was quiet at first and wouldn't look at me. But when I asked her if she was okay she said that she wasn't angry or anything just shocked because she didn't see that coming. But she said that she was okay with the whole thing and asked what our plans where and that she knew something was up but didn't think of this.

I chickened out of telling my mother in law. I'm brave but I was fairly emotionally exhausted. That feeling of guilt was so heavy on me. I felt like I could see her say "Why have you broken my daughters heart? And why would you think that this is a good idea?". Sans the explications and anger though. I know that's probably not how she will react but my mind was doing a great job playing tricks on me.

The rest of the evening went pretty well. My wife asked questions about how it went and we went out for ice cream with my son and just drove around for a bit talking. Little things have started to bother her like me giving her fashion advice or how I sit or the structure of my conversation from where all of my boy programming has started to fail. It's getting easier for her but there's still a long way to go. At least now she has someone that she can talk to other than me.

An update: I had to tell my mother in law. My wife was angry with me again yesterday. This time about finances and the possibility of losing the house. She got so mad that she stormed off to her mothers to tell her about my gender identity issues.

My mother in law came over and my wife said that she didn't tell her yet. She just told her that we were planning to divorce.  So I came out to my mother in law.

After a bit of Q&A and disbelief she still loves me and supports me for now even if she doesn't agree with it. She also wants me to "get help". I explained that I have been "getting help" and that there is no cure for this. It's pretty much I change and eventually everyone is happy or I don't change and I hate myself for the rest of my life but my wife gets her husband back. For a time there it just seemed like she refused to believe that I was serious and that this was really happening.

In the end she offered to let me stay in her finished basement if things got worse between my wife and I until we could straighten out how to pay off enough debt to live apart.

I don't know where to even begin sorting this mess out. I had been too chicken to talk my mother in law before and it was still a bit too soon for me. I guess I'm just afraid she will try to "cure" me. After all that's what my wife wants.

I really hope things work out for you Christine.  However judging from the reaction you received from your wife, as well as the post from Antonia, any thoughts I might have about coming out to my wife have just evaporated.  My family means far to much for me to risk losing it. 

Best of luck.

PS:  I'm kind of jealous, because I NEVER have dreams about being an actual girl (even though I wish for them every night).  In all my life, the closest I've ever gotten is being in public en-fem (and those are pretty rare)

Thank you SciNerdGirl. Thankfully things have since quieted down but I'm not too hopeful on the end product. I know I'll still be able to see my son and my wife doesn't cringe at my touch but divorce seems still so certain.

That said everyone is different and it is possible that she may change her mind.

Whatever you decide with your family just don't do the "start HRT and don't tell our spouse" thing. From what I gather that is a for sure formula for trouble. Otherwise I have been much happier with myself since I accepted this. I still have some hangups and a growing list of dysphoria triggers but that all seems so small in comparison to the misery that I put myself through.

Best of luck to you