Hello, I'm a new user here albeit I've been reading the forums for a lengthy amount of time.
I'm 22 and identify as transexual. In November last year, by my mother's initiative (she thought I was depressed), I started seeing a psychiatrist. I told this psychiatrist of my issues with gender, my inability to accept a male role and my repeated efforts to renounce it. It wasn't always like this however.
During my childhood, I knew pretty much that something was "different" about me, though it was hard to pin down what. Inclinations I had largely went in accordance with what's stereotypically perceived as female, albeit I wasn't one of those children that rebel against their parents and are absolutely certain that they're of the opposite gender; I wasn't, but I felt good expressing femininity, though without being aware of what that actually meant. I felt very comfortable with "female" things, including some cartoons, though I was highly self-conscious of all this. I remember changing channels to hide from my parents that I watched certain shows, because I was embarassed about it, probably a consequence of an event in which I was caught playing with a female doll as opposed to a male doll with a female friend and got repressed for it. I remember in school I used to "pretend" a lot. I used to pretend that I was different characters, typically adults and I would portray both masculine and female characters from TV and videogames; I thought both were "cool" but I didn't really distinguish them by their gender. My preferences relied mostly on the feminine end of the spectrum however and those were the most fulfilling for me to idealize myself as.
I don't wish to discuss my sexual orientation but I had a few "heterosexual" relationships, in which I always maintained a passive role, even in how things started. I was never able to begin showing interest in anyone first, I could never take the first step. Safe to say that all relationships I've been in were initiated and led by my partners.
Countrary to many transexuals, I didn't "hate" my body, I was actually vain and shallow, taking great pride in compliments or in people being romantically interested in me. I actually loved what I looked like, despite presenting in an androgynous fashion and doing things like waxing my legs, growing out my hair (I would only cut it when forced to by my parents, and it always involved a lot of crying). Despite already being in my teenage years, I don't think I really differentiated between the two genders; everything a female could do, I felt I could do too. I didn't really feel "wrong", but that's since changed.
I can't remember when exactly I found out what being "transexual" meant, but I recall seeing people who I learned were transexuals on the internet and my reaction was more along the lines of "Oh cool, these people changed sex" rather than "That's me!", which I perceive to be the most common reaction amongst other transexuals. Did I want to be a girl back then? I probably would have prefered it, but I didn't feel desperate enough to the point of thinking that I must transition, like I do now.
As I continued to grow up, things evolved into me wanting to express femininity through other means; clothing (and I don't mean crossdressing at home for a couple hours, then undressing to end the fantasy, I mean to have the clothes portray who -I- am, not a fictional character named Candice). The first time I crossdressed was due to a simple impulse, more of a joke that I didn't intend to take seriously; I recall as I was getting dressed, thoughts about how I must absolutely pass started to overwhelm me, I realised this was actually important to me and maybe not that big of a joke. When I looked in the mirror, I was satisfied with the result, I felt good, not weird, as I guess I would have assumed at the time it'd feel like; I just felt me, but I still didn't assume that I was transexual.
I should note that I had surgery to correct a testicular atrophy that was preventing me from going into puberty when I was 13. Apparently it happened when I was 5, but it was only diagnosed much later when my mother sensed something must be wrong with me. People made fun of my voice, my looks, how I was "underdeveloped", but I wasn't particularly bothered. I wasn't even 1,50m by the time I was 12 but that didn't make me uncomfortable. Looking back, I think it was because I idealised myself being feminine rather than masculine, but I wasn't very aware of these concepts back then. I remember thinking I was "gay" for a period, not because of the sex I was attracted to, because I wasn't really attracted to anything, but I had "girly" behaviours which warranted observations and insults from others.
Anyway, since starting to see that psychiatrist in November, I've since been directed towards another hospital, where I'm under the care of a multidisciplinary team; a different psychiatrist, a psychologist, an endocrinologist and a gender therapist. They specialize in treating transexuals. I had multiple appointments with my therapist, during which I did a test with 600 questions to determine my psychological profile and wrote an autobiography. Two days ago, I had an appointment where I finally met my psychologist; my therapist was there and gave me a letter so I can get started in the second hospital to obtain my second diagnosis. I got a bad feeling from that appointment; the results from my psychological profile had arrived and they stated I was deeply depressed and that there was some confusion (they reinforced the urgency for me to meet with the psychiatrist there, so that I can be prescribed something). I got the letter however and now must schedule an appointment in the second hospital...
Now, maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I couldn't help myself after the feeling I got from meeting my psychologist... I opened the letter and basically it said that they were forwarding me there so that they may diagnosis and stated that their doubts were mainly referent to psychoticism. I dread this. These hospitals have a monopoly over who gets treatment and who doesn't, if they declare I'm not transexual, I become absolutely stuck in my transition and must continue to lead a depressing live that doesn't satisfy me. Basically, my life is in the hands of a handful of individuals who say one thing this month and another thing on the next. My therapist said he had all he needed to know I was a transexual, he said there were no doubts in my case, now because of a few crosses I laid down on a piece of paper, I'm suddenly psychotic? It's immensely frustrating to me. He said I could get HRT this year, now on the last appointment they said that people sometimes wait 2 years for this thing... Supposedly the second diagnosis would take a single appointment, now they're saying I might have to go to the second hospital multiple times (this is inconvenient for me because this hospital is HOURS away, but it's the place in the country where SRS and breast enhancement surgeries are made, so they recommended it to me). I cannot wait two years for this thing, my body's a ticking time-bomb, I don't want a beard or a man's hairline so it's urgent that I receive hormone therapy quickly, because irreversible things can happen to my body... who knows that I'll look like in 2 years. Do you think my "psychotic" profile might complicate things too much for me?
I'm very, very desperate and stressed. I really need to hear from others who've had similar experiences or something of the sort... the only person I talk about this with uninhibited is my boyfriend and I put a great deal of pressure on him... I'm in a state of obsession about my transition because I don't want to wait any longer, I want to live and be seen as me, the inability to do so is ruining my relationship and it frustrates me so much that these people might doubt the validity of my gender issues and discredit them as dellusions...
I need to hear from others badly, I'm not sure I have the mental strength to make it on my own...
I'm sorry I wrote so much...
