The last few months have been the highest, fastest roller coaster I have ever been on, emotionally speaking. My wife is a wonderful woman who wants to be able to support me in every way, something I greatly appreciate. However, she is kind of a tomboy and a lesbian and always like the feminine look of a woman. She is struggling with the way I have changed lately. When I started exploring my gender issues, I went through a few phases and labels (bigender, genderfluid, genderqueer), changed my wardrobe and my hair...(my looks has gradually become more masculine) things that made me feel better about myself and even about my body for the first time in life and the fact that my wife accepted them has helped a lot.
In the last couple of weeks I have been doing a lot of thinking and decided that I identify more as FTM than Genderqueer (even though I always felt like a tiny part in me is still like a tomboy woman more than anything else and that's why I decided against any physical transition). This past week I have started thinking about binder, packer etc. Things I only dreamed but never let myself even consider in the past (I have lived in total denial for many years as a heterosexual woman married to a man before I started facing reality). As I was going through my self-discovery process, my wife came along for the ride and helped me a lot in accepting myself as I am, but the more I change my appearance the harder it gets for her to deal with.  We had a few talks about it in the past and she told me that since I decided against transition she's fine with it all and even if I do decide to transition at some point she will stay with me (but then we would probably have a sexual problem, since she still needs me to have a female body).
Yesterday was a difficult day- I was looking to decide on which binder to order and was also looking at packers online. I guess that's when it really clicked for my wife that I'm about to get them and more of my look will change. We had a very long talk about it and she told me that every now and then she's missing my feminine look (I don't wear nice women's blouses, tight jeans and sexy bra and panties anymore), which I totally understand.. I mean when we started out I looked like a woman, even though she always knew there's more of the guy in me than a woman, and now I look like a guy. After a few hours of thinking, talking and shedding tears, she told me that she wants me to keep doing what I'm doing (meaning- exploring my gender and changing my look accordingly) because this is who I am and it makes me happy. She said that she knows she will struggle for a while longer but she wants to work on getting used to the new look and she thinks she can learn to like it. It hurts. Hurts to know that the woman I love, my wife, has to "learn" to like the way I look...the way I see myself; It hurts to see how much she wants to be ok with it all and at the same time how hard it is for her to let go of the feminine look in me (but what could I expect..I knew she's a lesbian).
My wife always knew me as I am in personality and behavior (I was never any different  than I have been inside except for the way I dressed and my hair). She always liked my personality and the fact I took a guy role in our relationship (even our sex has been always amazing and she keeps telling me that she loves me being her guy in bed). so to make it clearer, the only problem she has is with my masculine  look (now that I also present myself as a guy in looks).

Anyway, last night left me very depressed. I don't know how to handle all of this. In my past I tended to take my feelings about my gender and lock it all up while living in denial and as a woman in every way possible (first for my mom and siblings' sake, then for my ex-husband and kids' sakes). Now that my life has changed completely and I actually had some time exploring my sexuality and gender identity, I want to live the way I am inside and I know my wife accepts that need and is willing to help me explore this further but I don't want to lose her...correction- I can't lose her! (I'd rather lose some of me again than lose her. she's the best things that's ever happened to me). I'm afraid that she may see in time that she can't 'learn to like' my masculine look and things will start falling apart. As awful as it may sound, I'm willing to lock it all up again as long as it's still possible for me (if I continue to explore my feelings by starting to bind and pack, or coming out to my family, I'll never be able to take steps backwards), but she doesn't want that. She pushes for me to go with it further even. I don't know what to do and it's driving me crazy. I feel like everything is so screwed up that nothing I choose will be the right decision.
I don't know what I should do; Should I go back to a more neutral or feminine look again and learn to live with it, or should I continue this self-exploration and take the risk my marriage might get into really deep troubles?!

Do you think that a tomboy lesbian, who likes the more masculine personality but the feminine look on women, could get used to having her partner more masculine both in personality and looks, and still be happy?

I'll try to level with you as best I can since this is still something you are going through.

She can try to like these changes. Though this doesn't mean that she will and might actually completely reject everything after time has passed/you start dressing more as a man. She might grow to like it and respect everything about you. Does this mean she has to like it or that she loves you less for not doing so? No. It's a drastic change for everyone though, for us, we often get so wrapped up in what's going on in our heads/hearts and not completely understand/appreciate what our friends and family are going through. The fact that she is completely civil through this is a testimate to how much she still loves and respects you. You gotta hand it to her that she's a great wife for not just flipping out and calling you dreadful names.

Anyway, coming back to the question at hand. That isn't something I can just say. She might or she might not, she might be okay for now or not, or she might just decide to change the dynamics of your relationship. Please understand that this is just something that she does have to work through and you just have to be supportive/patient as she figures this out. Answer her questions as directly as you can so she doesn't feel "lied to" and she can find out if she still wants to work things out.

I wish you both the best.

Tough situation, but not uncommon for people in relationships that started previous to transition. Your wife sounds very supportive considering the circumstances. I kinda wonder if the reason she is pushing you to continue to explore your feelings and experiment with this is because she is afraid you'll resent her if she tells you to stop. I have a feeling there is fear on both sides.

The good news is there is absolutely no reason that you two can't stay together through this. Regardless if you medically transition or not. The fact that she is willing to try speaks volumes. I would say take it slow and keep communication open between the two of you every step of the way. Wish you two the best.

Quote from: macI want to live the way I am inside and I know my wife accepts that need and is willing to help me explore this further but I don't want to lose her...correction- I can't lose her! (I'd rather lose some of me again than lose her. she's the best things that's ever happened to me).

Well, that is the hammer hitting the nail on the head.

In a way, many of us are selfish.  We make transition all about us.  But it's not.  It is about our closest loved ones too.

That's why we have the Significant Others Forum here.  Read it sometime.  Read about the heartbreak and the worry.  And about some of the successes.

If you have a life-partner, then you both have to come to an understanding.  It is not easy, not by a long shot.  What you did, by communicating you feelings, and she hers, is the right way to do it.  "My way or the highway" more often than not becomes the highway.  So you need to prioritize.  It sounds, from what you say, that your relationship is most important.  If that is the case, then you probably need to take it slow.

Good luck to the both of you.

If your relationship is more important than anything else, then there's your answer. But a word of warning: things might not always be that way. Trans has a way of lying dormant, staying...repressible, being manageable, that sort of thing--for months or years or decades. And then BAM, you start to reach your limit. That's how it is for a lot of us.

It looks like you'll need to do some exploring to find out how far you can go and still have a relatively healthy relationship. I don't think you can predict what your wife can/will handle. It's all a big experiment for most of us who are already in relationships.

Me, I privileged my relationship for so long that I was repressing and denying for all I was worth. I came out to myself around 1988-89. I went through various stages but became completely recloseted around 2001 because I was desperately afraid of losing my partner. I couldn't have done anything else, really--that's just where I was at the time. The relationship might have been doomed anyway, but recloseting myself definitely killed the relationship, eventually. Just keep the lines of communication open--not just between you and your wife but between you and yourself as well.

Wow! This is similar to my situation in many points. I also have very recently found myself wanting to take those first steps into transitioning. My girlfriend has been very encouraging to me and has told me that she will still love me as well. But I also feel the same trepidation that it seems you are feeling. I plan to take the process as slowly as I can so that I don't scare her off for whatever reason.  I have been discovering this part of myself for several years now, and I feel better about myself the more masculine I become. But that is just my point of view.  I do realize that it has placed some strain on our relationship, but we have been able to work through it. The only very little piece of advice that I could contribute is just this: be open with her about everything. It is a true measure of her love for you that she is willing to stand with you through this. I personally could not bear to go through this alone or even with anyone else.

I've been going through this with my husband. He's blown me out of the water with how supportive and kind and attentive he's been about my transition. That said, there are a lot of things changing between the two of us and it's scaring me. The mental and emotional transition wasn't something either of us expected, and while it's a very good thing for me (and him by proxy) it's a serious shift from depressed, codependent, miserable female to somewhat functional and getting better every day adult male.

As much as I wish I could help you and give you a good answer to this,
I can't. Honestly, No one can. Well...they might be able to give an answer, but there's no guarantee that it would be the RIGHT answer.
The best thing to do, is communicate, talk with your wife about this...even more than you already have been.
In the end, she's going to be the one who decides whether or not she can still be with you after all of this.

Quote from: GentlemanRDP on June 02, 2013, 11:15:02 AM
In the end, she's going to be the one who decides whether or not she can still be with you after all of this.

While this is true, it can also go the other way. When I started transitioning, I began to seriously question whether I could stand to be in a relationship with a straight man for the rest of my days. I was gay to the core and had always dreamed of being a part of the larger gay community as well as being in a vital gay partnership. If my partner hadn't broken up with me, I might have broken up with him--it just would have happened a bit later.

Your story sounds like you took a page out of my life.  I too put off transition because first my parents, it was difficult enough for them to deal with me being a lesbian and divorcing my husband, just couldn't put them through it.  Then when both my parents were gone I was in a relationship with a woman I loved very much and when I brought it up to her she said "if you ever mention that again to me we are done", so again I put it off.  After 16 yrs with that woman she ended up leaving me for a much younger woman and I was left heartbroken and starting over at 50 yrs old.  I met someone and after a year of being with her and 2 yrs of therapy due in part to the ending of my 16 yr relationship I decided it was time for me to live my life as I wanted, as the man that I knew I always was.  I really thought this was the end of my relationship with this woman I had grown to love and hoped very much for a life with, but I just knew I needed to do this to be truly happy with myself.  She has identified as a lesbian her whole life, never been with men and never felt like she was missing anything.   So needless to say we have had our moments this last year since I started T and then I had top surgery, it has been a big adjustment for her.  Not only has my physical body changed but T does change you in other ways as well, I wouldn't say they are really drastic changes, but changes none the less.  We moved in together about 6 months ago but I am currently looking for my own place.  We have agreed to continue to be in a committed relationship but it is just really hard right now to work on me and work on us too. 
My only advice is keep talking and find a really good counselor that deals with trans issues and has helped other couples through it, trust me they can be invaluable.  Also, if possible, find a support group for you and one for your wife.  Sometimes talking to other significant others of trans people can really help her feel like she is not alone and she gets to share in an open and understanding environment with people who are going through some of the same stuff.  It sounds like you are both doing all that you can to value your relationship while trying to respect each others needs and that is a great foundation for any relationship.  Hang in there, it sounds like you two have a lot going for you, I hope everything works out for you.

I wanted to thank all of you for your replies and points of view.

I agree with all of you when you say that we should keep talking about everything, and that's exactly what we do...this past week we have talked for hours about everything and it definitely helps. In fact my wife and I talked some more yesterday and decided that I'd continue on this path but take it a bit slower, in order to give her time to get used to all of the changes.

Thank you all again. It helps hearing from people who can truly understand what I'm going through.

Quote from: Mac on June 03, 2013, 09:41:44 AM
In fact my wife and I talked some more yesterday and decided that I'd continue on this path but take it a bit slower, in order to give her time to get used to all of the changes.

I'm glad you're able to do this. I doubt that going slower would have made a difference in the outcome of my relationship, but in any event, I simply couldn't do it. I had been out to myself for twenty years and had come out to my partner in our first year together. People kept telling me to slow down, slow down, and let him get used to it. My answer was, "What, nineteen years isn't slow enough?" They were acting as if my partner hadn't known for all those years. They didn't realize it, but they were essentially telling me to go ahead and die. I knew I wouldn't live much longer if I didn't make some drastic changes, and fast. I barely made it out alive as it was; I am quite convinced that taking things much slower would have resulted in my death. My therapist agrees; he saw how I was back then. And he knows me better than anyone does.

I've been told that my way of dealing with transition was selfish and cruel to my partner, but I think everyone's situation is different. For example, I think it helps A LOT that trans issues and services have come a long way in the last quarter century since I first came out. When I came out, the "expert" book I was reading said that I was a mentally ill straight woman. That's quite different from the situation now, when gay trans men are coming out of the woodwork and are getting what they need to transition and live well. If I'd been told back then that I was a perfectly normal transsexual gay man, things might have been different. But that wasn't the situation, so I did the best I could with what I had.

Frankly, I envy anyone who IS able to slow down and take it one step at a time. I hope your ability to do so will result in a long and happy marriage, with both of you getting what you need and want.