I'm a trans gay male. As a child I played with hot wheels, dinosaurs, and to this day, video games. I had dreams at a young age of having a penis. I asked my father what my name would be if I was a boy, and he said Sean Patrick. I need help with my name. Currently I've got Daemon, Dante, Axis, and Sean...but I'm not sure which I feel/look like yet, and not sure how to figure it out.

I love building computers, and working with my hands. However, I also enjoy the feminine side of things, but very much relate to being a male. I'm not disgusted by my anatomy, but it does nothing "for me" unless I fantasize about having male genitalia. I can't orgasm from other people touching me. I'm not romantically attracted to women, and I'm very attracted to gay porn scenarios.

I'm very confused, and scared to transition because I'm engaged to a straight man. He loves me, and wants me to be happy, but there won't be any attraction if I begin hormone therapy. I mentioned to him that I was trans before, but lately it's been really bothering me, and I enjoy the internet because it's the only place I can be "male" without anyone questioning it. I've been beginning to use male pronouns, roleplaying as male characters, and it feels right.



I don't even know what to do or where to start looking for help on this, so I came here, knowing that many questions get answered. I've done some research on hormone therapy and surgeries, but in my current physical state (stress fractures in my legs and chronic sciatica), I'm unable to work and afraid I won't be able to afford anything.

I was wondering if anyone knew of trans-friendly counselors with affordable rates...or even more affordable ways to go about doing this.

I also don't have a means of transportation if my fiance wanted me to leave.

Thank you in advance for listening..

Hi Axis, and welcome!

I'm a gay trans guy too, living in the UK. I'm married with two kids... and as you can imagine, that complicates my transition somewhat.

I'm sure one of the mods will be along shortly to give you a proper welcome, but in answer to some of your questions:

• In selecting a name, consider whether you might want to be 'out' or 'stealth'; i.e. whether you want people to know or suspect that you're trans, or whether you'd prefer not to publicly disclose your trans status. It's entirely up to you what you pick, but the more unusual the name, the more curious people might be about why you have it. My parents actually did select a male name for me because they thought I was going to be a boy, but they changed it after I was born female-bodied. When I started my transition I went back to the original name they chose for me because to me it went some way towards correcting the mistake that had been made when I was misgendered at birth.
• A lot of people - cis and trans - like activites that are associated with either gender. That's perfectly normal. So don't worry too much about liking both guy & girl things; many of us do.
• Some FtMs - myself included - are not disgusted by our anatomy, mainly because it's out of sight so we don't have to see it every day. Others can't tolerate the thought of it being there. Both are entirely valid viewpoints. Like you, I don't hate the bits that are there, I just long for the bits that aren't there.
• You're engaged to a straight man; I've been married to one for 16 years. That was a massive mistake because as soon as I announced my intention to transition, he told me that he loves me and wants me to be happy but he couldn't picture himself in a gay relationship so he wouldn't be able to stay with me. I'd urge you to explore this further before going through with the marriage.
• It sounds to me like you need to speak to a Gender Therapist to figure out your path forward before you do anything else. There's a list of therapists here at Susan's: I'm guessing from your spelling that you're in the USA, so just pick your country and state for more info. There are also some online therapists; if you search the list of therapists for the keyword 'online' you should be able to find them. https://www.susans.org/Healthcare/Therapists_and_Counselors/
• A lack of transport is a temporary situation and it shouldn't be a reason for you to not seek the help you want.

Whatever you do, please don't rush into anything. Take your time discussing things with a Gender Therapist, and we're always here to help too. Just be aware that if you do have Gender Dysphoria, it never goes away on its own. Many of us (myself included) can go into denial for many years but GD always comes back with a vengeance. That's the mistake I made: I should've transitioned as a teenager but instead I buried it for 20 years during which I married & had children. When I hit crisis point I found myself having to transition whilst married & raising teenagers, so my transition directly impacts on four people instead of one.

Hi Axis, welcome to Susan's Place! I've whisked us over to the Introductions section. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

Welcome, Axis.  Glad you found us.

I agree that it would be best to work out your trans issues before becoming too deeply involved.  With you S.O. be open and honest.  You might even consider some couples therapy, because if the unique challenges you both will face.

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Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 04, 2013, 07:39:21 AM
In selecting a name, consider whether you might want to be 'out' or 'stealth'; i.e. whether you want people to know or suspect that you're trans, or whether you'd prefer not to publicly disclose your trans status. It's entirely up to you what you pick, but the more unusual the name, the more curious people might be about why you have it.

I heard this a lot before my name change, but has actually proved to be less of a concern than it would seem, at least in my case. I went with a very unusual name and I do get a lot of comments on it. Only once has anyone ever questioned 'why I had the name' and that was to ask what my mother was thinking (I should add that this was an older woman asking at a time when I was passing for about 14). No one ever guesses I chose the name myself. The vast majority of people never change their birth name, so no one ever assumes that. They're more likely to wonder about your parents than you. And even if they did guess you changed it - it's still quite a leap from 'he changed his name' to 'he must be trans!'

I get a ton of compliments on it from both men and women and people actually like an unusual name more often than not. Or at least, that's how they act. It has had no effect on my being stealth whatsoever.
The only time I think a name may be problematic with stealth is if you choose one popular among ftms and then only in more 'trans aware' circles. (So, if you're planning on spending a lot of time in the LGBT community while stealth, you may want to be careful with this). Or possibly a trendy name only small children have.

Other than that tidbit, I second all of FTMDiaries' advice.

• Don't worry about having diverse interests. It's pretty common. A lot of this horror of anything feminine or 'for girls' is taught and enforced, not innate. And we missed a lot of that indoctrination process. Being able to like what you like whether it's 'feminine' or not is more of an asset I say.
  
  
• I'm not disgusted by my anatomy either. Nor do I want it to change.
• I second the idea that you should make sure you work everything out before getting married. Has he told you 'there won't be any attraction?' How much does he know about the process?

Anyway, welcome to Susan's Axis!

Everyone, thank you for your responses. This morning we talked about it. He doesn't believe in bodily alterations, and is straight as an arrow. He made it very clear that if I decide to alter my body, that is the day we won't be together anymore. I feel awful that I didn't tell him until recently and we've been together for three years. I feel very selfish and like a total d-bag for dropping this bomb on him. He's had a very hard life, with cheating.exes, selfish exes, the death of his daughter...and I love him and don't want to leave him.

Our current compromise is that we can together if I stay a female in sex. But I asked to be allowed to cross dress, wear a binder, and pass as male.  I will ask about pronouns in the future...

As for my name, I've decided on Daemon

Well then, Daemon, I hope things work out.

I'm just concerned about how long I'll be willing to do this without starting hormone therapy..I'm having my crisis and this is why the issue came so suddenly.

Hello again everyone,

My fiance and I decided that it's best that our relationship ended.

I now have to look for a new home, without a car, and only about $400 to my name.

What should I do?

I'm sorry to necro an old thread, but this is the OP. I have had a confusing ride since my original post. My fiance at the time and I broke up, and I met a man (who is now my new fiance) who is bisexual, and accidentally had a baby with him. She's the love of my life and I'm very happy to have her. I went through a stage of realizing I'm gender fluid, then going back and forth, until recent circumstances made me re-think my sense of self. I have an unstable sense of identity due to borderline personality disorder. 

Aside from the mixed good/bad news, I'm mostly here to happily announce that I found my identity as a gender fluid, and plan on only having top surgery and taking just enough testosterone to pass as a feminine "scene" boy.

I want to thank this forum and community as a whole for being a great resource for information.

Axis
Welcome to Susan's family.

Lots of topics to explore and post to read or write. 

Safe passage on your path.

Axis,

We all deal with things as they come our way.

It is a up and down rollercoaster, scary at times but finishes out with a fun experience.

Relax, breathe and sometimes its nice to have that therapist you can rant with when you get lost on your path.

Hugs

Quote from: Axis Langton on February 10, 2015, 11:04:51 PM
I'm sorry to necro an old thread, but this is the OP. I have had a confusing ride since my original post. My fiance at the time and I broke up, and I met a man (who is now my new fiance) who is bisexual, and accidentally had a baby with him. She's the love of my life and I'm very happy to have her. I went through a stage of realizing I'm gender fluid, then going back and forth, until recent circumstances made me re-think my sense of self. I have an unstable sense of identity due to borderline personality disorder. 

Aside from the mixed good/bad news, I'm mostly here to happily announce that I found my identity as a gender fluid, and plan on only having top surgery and taking just enough testosterone to pass as a feminine "scene" boy.

I want to thank this forum and community as a whole for being a great resource for information.

Congrats on finding your identity, Axis!!

Axis it's wonderful to hear you found your identity it's not always the easiest thing to accomplish and the fact you have settled in on something should help make this journey a bit easier on you now. The fact you have plans that you want to accomplish gives you something to look forward too. Good Luck and Hugs.
Mariah