Hello everyone,
My name is Mary. I am 31 years old and live in the Czech Republic.
Like many of you, I'm sure, I have known who I really was for almost as long as I can remember, but have only recently worked up the courage to do anything to address it.
Anyway, here is my story...
I was born and raised in Canada to an unorthodox family. My parents, being children of the 60s, raised me in a gender neutral household where I was free to play dress up and be the wife when I played house with my sister. All and all, it was a pretty happy and supportive atmosphere. It wasn't really until I started school that my real gender identity was brought into conflict with societal norms for what someone with a boy's body should and should not do.
The time I spent in school was confusing. I tried hard to fit in with other "boys" as best I could, but I have always been small and sensitive and feminine. Generally speaking I had no interest whatsoever in boy things and as a result I had very few male friends... I always related better to the girls in my classes. Anyway, during this time I started regularly dressing up in my sister's clothes while others in the house were sleeping or putting on my mother's make up when I thought I could get away with it. I secretly had crushes on boys, but always had a girlfriend. It was hard and I was fairly depressed all the time.
When I was 18 I made my first decision to come out. Both my sister and my mother had recently come out as lesbians and this gave me the push I needed. Strangely enough, one of my mother's siblings beat me to it and announced to everyone in the family that she was MtF. This caused a big argument between her and my mother, which I didn't expect. Her reaction was enough to convince me that there was no way I could come out.
So this is where things stood for years. I lived two lives: a private one where I was happy and confident but incomplete; and a public one where I was fairly successful, but scared, paranoid I would get caught and racked with horrible feelings of guilt and disconnect.
I can't really tell you what changed. I guess it is likely the result of getting sick a year ago. Or maybe it's the realization that I will definitely not change into a normal man and the longer I take to address the issue the worse it will be for me and my family. I don't know. In any respect, I finally made an appointment with a sexologist here and hopefully I will start HRT sometime soon. It is daunting. Not only because of the obvious, but also because I live abroad on a permanent basis and will need to negotiate my transition in my second language in a system which I really don't fully understand.
Well that is my story. I am really happy to have found this forum and look forward to knowing all of you. If there are any transgirls here from the Czech Republic, it would be great to talk to you.
Mary
