I live full time as my true self and are curious if others have similar experiences to myself.  I try to present full time as "Bearded lady" most people see me as "man in dress."  I'm ok with that and are glad to be seen as anything other then "Normal man".  I get lots of strange looks although not as many as I used to.  Recently I spent about 1 1/2 months needing a wheelchair and the looks changed from that of confusion or freaky to being looks of pity and people stopped referring to me in gender neutral terms back to male terms. During that time I kinda felt invisible as my true self and missed the nasty comments like freak and weirdo.  It feels strange that for me comment that I once feared had become almost like people saying "I see you as different" showing me that I was visible.  In a good way,  To feeling hidden again dispute the fact I was still wearing the same dresses/makeup. I still had some comments from small children, but not as common as when walking around.

For me there was a slow change of going from being fearful of being seen as different to being wanted to be seen as different. Possibly thanks to having pride at being who I am (also a slow process).  It has taken being seen as something to be pitied rather then something confusing/weirded out by.  For me to notice my change and how far I have come.  I wonder if other people have had similar journey from hiding themselves to being proud to be seen as themselves it hasn't been an easy road but I've made it this far. Who else has traveled this journey or is on there way?

My presentation is quite a bit more normative than yours, so my experience is a bit less extreme. But my personal target for what I'd like to be seen as would be a kind of genderless "pretty." To be seen as interesting/attractive without my gender really being visible or relevant. Or maybe to be understood as a kind of female-bodied non-woman person. I tend to be seen as a 20-something androgynous lesbian about 80% of the time, which is kind of "close enough." And a pretty gay boy about 5% of the time, which is fun as long as I'm not trying to use a bathroom. The part that I hate is the 15% or so where I'm seen as a "normal girl." I'd rather be visibly other than invisible.

And, ya, it took a while to get there. To claw the strands of dysphoria apart to figure out what I actually wanted from my body and my life. For a long time I wanted to disappear. Not so much now.

(To clarify for those who aren't aware: I am male-assigned, on estrogen, legally female.)

sometimes i hear my coworkers mention the word "hermaphrodite" which although not true, kinda makes sense to me in some weird way. I do get strange looks as well, as well as some children whispering to their parents and family members. I still get "mam'ed" which is ok, as well, until they hear my voice or see my facial hair if I have grown it out any. Its been a long journey to feel comfortable in my skin as much as I am now. little by little.

sorry about you needing a wheelchair for a while. sounds like it changed their perception of you, to something you really did not desire.

like you, I am proud of what changes I have tried and accepted. Although the journey has been slow and cautious, I think I have learned more about myself than taking a radical binary approach. Although others consider non-binary as being radical, I suppose.

I have always been proud of being different... in a bunch of other ways, but I hid my gender identity anyway due to negative experiences with others deciding that being ok with being different in other ways is being a "special snowflake" and attention seeking. They would just see it as another way Mayo's trying to be different and special and demand attention. So once puberty hit and people started enforcing gender, I just went with "dumpy former tomboy" for a public identity because trying to be an "androgyne" seemed like an untenable position and being FTM just didn't feel RIGHT. If I'm going to feel wrong about my gender on either side, I thought, I may as well stay with what I've got. At least as a female they'll just be socially cruel that I'm too masculine. If I were a dude, I'd get beat for being too feminine.

Being andro, and having only low level dysphoria with my body, and even less with language ("she" me all you want, as long as you don't explicitly state "You're a woman.") I always felt that my identity was somehow LESS valid than being MTF of FTM. I felt like I would be appropriating the realm of non-cisness and taking something that wasn't mine to partake in if I were to be open about being FTA.

I didn't decide to be open about it until encouraged to do so by a close friend who's going MTF. I'm still mostly invisible, and haven't bothered to make a thing about it at work or with my family, but it's nice to be able to be open about it with my friends. I'm not in the closet about it anymore... but I don't mention it unless asked for the most part.

8^)

I googled my name and found this thing I had written a few years ago on the Internet. Guess my reality hasn't changed much since then.

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-An-Androgyne/1297652

I push it as far as I can with safety as a value. I dress eccentrically as a misdirection aimed at people trying to read me-- it gives me a little control and thankfully I can tolerate looking different when it's not about my face and body and way of moving.

I relate to everything Mayonnaise said and yet my story unfolded differently. I hid behind a lot of bodyweight for many years (on me it is feminizing, fills out hips and thighs). Once I had to let that weight go (health drama), I  took the special snowflake path. It helped that when I became a special snowflake, I was older and far from anyone who felt they had the right to tell me how to look, and it didn't hurt me career-wise.

It helps to get my groceries in the same place every day... the staff are used to me. It took a LONG time for this to happen, but finally they just got used to me and moved on from trying to clock me. So on a day when I don't do cisgender well, I'm already old news to the staff and security guards even if mothers do clutch their children.

Quote from: Reedling on June 07, 2013, 07:03:54 AM
I dress eccentrically as a misdirection aimed at people trying to read me-- it gives me a little control and thankfully I can tolerate looking different when it's not about my face and body and way of moving.

See now that is something I have been doing for a long time and never really quantified. What a great way to put it!

One of the many reasons I am so glad I found this board

Quote from: jesseofthenorth on June 08, 2013, 07:56:38 PM
See now that is something I have been doing for a long time and never really quantified. What a great way to put it!

One of the many reasons I am so glad I found this board

Yes and welcome Jesse!