Do some of you feel like you'd rather be a man and be happy but single, rather than be something you're not (a female), in relationships with other women, but unhappy with yourself?

That's how I feel at this point, yet, when I think about it...I feel depressed that I may never again be able to have sex in my life, nor be loved. I feel like I'd be deceiving the other person before they'd find out. I mean, admit it...bottom surgery, especially phallo, other men and women can easily see it's not a real penis. It's all psychological; and since sex is about genitals, well, you get the idea. I don't know how a human can live without physical intimacy for the rest of their life.

When I realize this, I think...what have I gotten myself into? Potential misery? Yet, I could never be happy with myself in a female body.

Yeah I'd rather be single forever as a dude than in fulfilling relationships as a woman. But I don't think I'll be alone forever and I've had relationships since transition. Why do you think it's unlikely that you'll meet someone who loves you for you?

Hey man,

Being a man and happy can involve being in a relationship. Is it you not being happy with your parts that makes you not want sex or the fear of your partner not being accepting with what you've got? If it's the latter then there are people out there who will love you regardless of what you have in your pants. Yeah sex includes genitals but some people truly don't care. As long as you're getting pleasure and they're getting pleasure, what's the big deal? Sex is about making love, and if they truly loved you, it wouldn't matter.

You can be happy and have a loving partner to have sex with. You'd get some people who won't accept it, I'm not denying that, but then they're not worth being with in the first place. Once you find that girl who accepts you and loves you for you, she'll make love with you regardless of what's in your pants because that is what sex is about; making love, not genitals.

There are bisexual and straight women out there who gladly date transmen. If I remember correctly, you were the guy who was having issues with his lesbian gf, right? Is she giving you grief about being trans lately? If so that's probably why you're feeling so hopeless about relationships at this point.

Yeah, dating can be a bit more tricky for transguys, so while there may not be as many fish in the sea for us, there's plenty of people by our ponds, lol. Just remember that you're transitioning for YOU so you can live with yourself. Everything else is secondary, imo.

yes.  I agree entirely.  Its one of the main things that got me to transition - being with my ex.  If sex wasn't fun with someone I loved so much and was so attracted to it wasn't worth doing that way.  Now shes long gone (though, she was VERY supportive of my transition) and I'm long single.  I haven't had sex since I got top surgery which was before hormones (and 4+ years ago at this point) and I don't regret my transition one bit despite having no romantic happenings of any sort since then.  Thats probably more my fault for just not knowing how the hell to go about it.

This is really tearing me up right now, especially since I'm attracted to men and have my eye on a particular man right now.  It's when I start getting these crushes that I tend to swing into fem mode.  I can already feel it coming on and I hate it.

There are plenty of women out there who will date trans men as everyone said. I doubt you'll be sexless forever. If anything you will probably have better relationships and sex as you become more like the best version of yourself.

That being said, some people can go forever without sex and it doesn't bother them. There are asexual trans men too e.g. me.

Quote from: BearGuy on June 11, 2013, 05:48:55 PM
Do some of you feel like you'd rather be a man and be happy but single, rather than be something you're not (a female), in relationships with other women, but unhappy with yourself?

That's how I feel at this point, yet, when I think about it...I feel depressed that I may never again be able to have sex in my life, nor be loved. I feel like I'd be deceiving the other person before they'd find out. I mean, admit it...bottom surgery, especially phallo, other men and women can easily see it's not a real penis. It's all psychological; and since sex is about genitals, well, you get the idea. I don't know how a human can live without physical intimacy for the rest of their life.

When I realize this, I think...what have I gotten myself into? Potential misery? Yet, I could never be happy with myself in a female body.

That's a sad feeling to have Bear Guy. I understand the feeling though. Most transsexual people do want to be sexually active as the opposite gender and I have heard that the FTM operation is not as great as most would like it to be. But don't be disheartened. Many people (especially in the LGBT community) are very accepting of transmen and wouldn't discriminate. Plus they will probably sooner fix FTM sterility than MTF. And with the way stem cells and gene therapy are going, you could be a father someday. For MTFs like me, it's going to take longer, not to mention women have a shorter fertility window anyway so it's likely most MTFs these days will be permanently sterile. I'm not bitter though because it's better than being somebody you are not. Right now I haven't done anything. I about 3 weeks out of the closet, still living in functional male body. I'm sure it sounds great to you but to me it has been very hard. I can't be manly because it feels unnatural. Even my thought process and the way I act are significantly different than other men. I'm 25 and I've never had sex anyway because of my feelings about my anatomy and my gender's role in sex. I've come to the conclusion that I would be happier if I were in my body as it were (for the most part) meant to be than be unhappy in my "cisbody" if you will. The second GF in my life just asked ME out recently and wants to be intimate. I really love her so I told her that I would try but I know it will be pretty hard for me to do. All in all: Yes, it's hard dealing with transsexual issues but you can definitely find someone and it's better to be who you are than have sex in a body that you don't want. The future is bright .

Quote from: BearGuy on June 11, 2013, 05:48:55 PM
Do some of you feel like you'd rather be a man and be happy but single, rather than be something you're not (a female), in relationships with other women, but unhappy with yourself?

That's how I feel at this point, yet, when I think about it...I feel depressed that I may never again be able to have sex in my life, nor be loved. I feel like I'd be deceiving the other person before they'd find out. I mean, admit it...bottom surgery, especially phallo, other men and women can easily see it's not a real penis. It's all psychological; and since sex is about genitals, well, you get the idea. I don't know how a human can live without physical intimacy for the rest of their life.

When I realize this, I think...what have I gotten myself into? Potential misery? Yet, I could never be happy with myself in a female body.

Time for some hard love here.

I've read a couple of your posts now and I'm wondering, Did you even give a thought to your future when you were trying to get on T?

Being trans is tough! it shouldn't be, but it is. This is the life path you are taking. it's often lonely, often heartbreaking. And the only thing that keeps you going is being honest to the one person you can't fail or lie to. Yourself!
If you can't take the cost then stop transition before you get to a point of no return. It's not about making someone else happy, it's about making the right choice to find your happiness.  T will change your genitals. E will too. I knew almost everything to expect before I started. I didn't have any high expectations.  I didn't think my sexuality would change or my sex drive, but they did. It was a bit of a shock, but I came to accept that perhaps I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. But in the grand scheme of things, Sex is not the most important driving force in my life. And if you transitioned for the sex,.... well,  you could be in for quite a wait. Personality goes a long way too. And someone who is constantly down will find it hard to find that special someone.

Btw, I've gone 2 yrs without sex before. I think that would kill some of you guys

I would rather be a happy and single man than to live my life as a woman and dating a woman even though it would be hard. There are people who are willing to date a transgender person.  How I find one, I have no clue, but they are out there.  The woman I meet will have to accept me for who I am.  If not, then we just can't be together because for my personal, sex creations an emotional bond that lasts a long time so I need to make sure the person I am with accepts me as a man.  I will not make love to any one who only sees me as a female, even if that means no sex for the rest of my life.

Quote from: BearGuy on June 11, 2013, 05:48:55 PM
admit it...bottom surgery, especially phallo, other men and women can easily see it's not a real penis.

I would be very careful about how you word things concerning bottom surgery.  It is a real penis that came from the nerves of a real arm, thigh, abdomen, etc.  I don't think many men who have gone through this life-changing surgery would say their penis is fake.

As I'm not particularly sexual (but not quite asexual either. Just... weirdsexual, lol) and pan/biromanti, I could easily go my whole life without sex. Still I'd rather not to (even if it's just to know what it's like, lol. Everyone is so full about it that it makes me curious at least). But if I had to choose, I'd rather stay single than marry/date/love someone as a 'woman'.

Funnily enough... I NEVER had any crushes my ENTIRE life (two times a boy was in love, I kissed just once (okay, maybe more often than once, but with one person), and both times I liked them -as friends- but not really as love interests, so we 'broke up' pretty soon both times (as far as there was even a serious 'relationship', LOL))
Since 2nd year high school, no one ever expressed his (or her) love towards me, nor did I towards anyone else (with that I mean 'romance' love, not 'friendship' love, lol. Otherwise I'd be rather lonely!), so I started to think I'd 'die single'.
Now lately, just after I openly accepted myself as trans, I met this transguy... and we're both madly in love (the crazy, and maybe stupid, part is, that he lives in Finland... so far away... :<). Now I know he accepts me as a man, I suddenly feel extremely liberated in my romantic feelings.
We'll have to see if it works out long-term (also distance and language barriers might be a problem), but we're still dreaming, lol.

Aww. That's so sweet Erik. Im glad you found someone who makes you happy.

Caleb makes me happy. I like his personality, hes cute and very smart. I thought his being hairy would be off putting but, it isnt. He listens to me, cheers me up when I'm down. Even drew on his belly to get a smile from me one time. That alone said a lot about him. When he visited, it was like my better half had come home. He went out of his comfort zone to make me happy when we went swimming. I mean, Caleb NEVER swims. I guess you could say he's the boyfriend I didnt know I wanted.

I'd much rather be celibate than to have a relationship with a woman under any circumstances. Some of us are gay, y'know.

But yes, I get what you're saying. It's very difficult to try to embark on a sexual relationship when you can't use your body in the way you want. I've spent the past 16 years in a 'heterosexual' marriage with a straight cisguy, and it tore me up when he'd want to do things the old-fashioned way. Fortunately the last few times we've been intimate he's stayed away from that particular part of my anatomy.

My big difficulty is this: I'm concerned about how I'll become involved in my next relationship. I couldn't possibly go with another straight man because I'm not a woman and anyway, they're obsessed with the body parts I hate. I'm looking forward to finally being able to have a relationship with a gay man but I don't feel confident enough to try to attract one yet when I still have the wrong equipment... and in particular, the wrong chest.

There will come a tipping point during my transition where I feel I am OK to start trying. But I'm just not there yet. And personally, there's no way I'll get to that point without some surgery.

Quote from: Keaira on June 11, 2013, 11:46:23 PM
Time for some hard love here.

I've read a couple of your posts now and I'm wondering, Did you even give a thought to your future when you were trying to get on T?

I don't get why you feel that "hard love" is needed. I have read a number of his posts, and I don't find anything unusual about them. I thought about my transition for twenty years before I did anything, and I knew quite a bit about the effects of T and surgery for about half of that time. Believe me, I thought extensively about how my life might change if I transitioned. Yet I had many of the same fears and concerns as BearGuy has expressed on these boards. I frequently kept my fears to myself or expressed them to IRL friends and support groups instead of posting here about them. But I had them--some I still have--and so do a lot of other guys.

I can perfectly understand your fears, Bear Guy. That's what i am going through atm too. I am pre everything and i am thinking about my situation everyday. It's very hard to start my transition because of many things: financial, social, etc.

But let's talk about relationships. I know that it will be much harder for me to find somebody when i transition. I know there is a big chance i will stay alone because let's face it - it's not so easy to find a really open-minded, tolerant and accepting person who will not care about my past and whether my genitals are real or not so real.

But on the other hand, what do i have now? I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am living a lie, i am not true to myself and i don't have a boyfriend (i am gay). In fact, i have never been in a relationship! I have had sex a few times just cos i really wanted to try what it was like but that's it. I do feel extremely lonely but i just CAN'T be in a relationship with another guy because it feels sooooooo wrong! I can't be a woman in a relationship, i can't play a part which is NOT me. It's sooooo disgusting to be treated like a woman, to have sex like a woman, etc. It's sickening! I want to scream and shout "I am NOT what you see!!! I am a guy!!! Treat me like a guy!!!". But who will treat me like a guy if i look like a girl and have a girl's body?! Nobody. That's why i am alone. Because i prefer to stay alone than to feel the agonizing pain of being someone i am not or liked for body parts which i hate.

So you can see, for me, it's like that - loneliness in this body and a very possible loneliness in another body. BUT i would rather be alone in the body i belong to than in this disgusting piece of ->-bleeped-<-! I want to be true to myself and relationships are not the most important factor in making the decision whether i want to transition or not.

Started reading thread, lost focus, returning to starting question.

Quote from: BearGuy on June 11, 2013, 05:48:55 PM
Do some of you feel like you'd rather be a man and be happy but single, rather than be something you're not (a female), in relationships with other women, but unhappy with yourself?

My situation:  Happy single gay man-mode achieved.

I tried a relationship as a female, glad that's not happening again. As for being single, with me it's a bit different. With my social issues and whatnot, I can't imagine dating or being in a relationship again. Making friends, sure, but relationship? Get thee behind me, Cupid. Me being trans isn't really part of my reluctance of considering relationships. If my other issues had been non-existent, I suppose "teh trans" would have been more in focus.

I do like sex, but I'm content keeping it a one-man show.

Oh, and I've gone without sex (with more than one participant) for 15 years. Two years? Bwahah. Color me not impressed. 

Quote from: John Smith on June 12, 2013, 12:44:05 PM
Get thee behind me, Cupid.

Haha.

Regarding my previous remark, I know that sometimes, things that we actually anticipated are very different in reality and seem to sneak up on us. Baldness, for example. I knew that I had to transition even if I lost all of my hair, and once I started T, I knew that I would never stop. But when I seemed to be balding, I thought, "Not ready to face that just yet." So two years of finasteride. I'm glad I got through that phase and am off those meds; now nothing is interfering with my T. But a few trans people were very judgmental about my using it. I even had one guy laugh in my face (IRL) and say that if you're not ready to lose your hair, you're not ready to transition. Well, that was bull.

I never answered the OP's question, though.

Quote"Do some of you feel like you'd rather be a man and be happy but single, rather than be something you're not (a female), in relationships with other women, but unhappy with yourself?"

In my case, there was no question of living as a woman and having relationships (except I'm attracted to men) and just being unhappy. I had already lived all of that. The main thing that really killed my long-term relationship was my increasing unhappiness with my body and presentation. As a result, I began to realize that I would never be able to have the right sexual relationship with my partner, and I was still mulling that over that when my partner broke up with me.

Although I had managed to make some kind of peace with my situation and live with it for quite some time, there was not going to be a happy "female" Arch. I finally got to the "transition or die" stage where there was no longer any question about staying as I was. I had to change.

And, boy, am I glad I did. I still have my issues, and I do miss the intimacy of my old relationship, but I'm still loads happier as a single gay man than I could HONESTLY be when living as a straight woman. With all of the repressing and filtering and compartmentalizing and staying busybusybusy, I was actually relatively happy as a woman for quite some time. But only with all of that self-deception and distraction.

If I'd been stripped down to my bare naked core, the ugly truth would have emerged. That person wasn't the whole, honest me. Now--after, admittedly, a fairly difficult adjustment that I'm still working through--I am living as me. I still have a ways to go, but I would never go back if offered the chance--even if an omniscient entity told me that I definitely would never sleep with another human being for as long as I lived. That wouldn't be welcome news, but I have a pretty hearty sex life, even if it is all DIY. And I have friends who care about me. And I am finally ME.

Quote from: John Smith on June 12, 2013, 12:44:05 PM
Started reading thread, lost focus, returning to starting question.

My situation:  Happy single gay man-mode achieved.

I am happy to hear that you are single and happy!!! This is great that you can feel at peace with yourself and truly be yourself and not what your body or society is telling you to be. I used to be ok with being single until i moved to work in another country. I was completely alone, i had no friends, i had nobody. i really wanted to have somebody and be close to somebody (i don't mean sex, i mean being emotionally close). Well, since i am pre everything, i knew the only way i could find a guy was by being more feminine. Of course, i never wore dresses or skirts, but at least i tried wearing t-shirts for girls. I tried putting a little bit of make-up on. I tried to be more feminine. It never worked out. Most of the guys still saw me as a too masculine. Some of them thought i was a lesbian and when i said i wasn't and i was into guys they could still feel there was something wrong with me. I had a few guys say to me "You are like a man, you are really like a man!". They told me this when i had my long hair, i was dressed in jeans and girl's t-shirt, with some make-up on and trying to act feminine!  Ha ha, how funny is that?!..

It lasted for about a year and i could see this was going nowhere. I managed to find one guy but it didn't work out at all. It was awful. I refused to be treated like a woman, i tried to be myself all the time and he hated it. He said i was acting like a man and he couldn't feel anything feminine about me. So screw him, i didn't even like him.

So now, i can see nothing is gonna work. Not in this body. This is not just the guys not liking me! The biggest problem is that i can't see myself being a woman in the relationship, i will always be jealous of the guy and i will always want to walk in his shoes! Sex is out of question. I could only have sex when i was very drunk. No alcohol - no sex. And it's not what i want, this is sick - to get drunk to be able to have sex?! No, thanks. And i hate all that crap most of the guys like saying, something like "a girl should be and this and she can't be this and that". Screw it. I am not a girl and i have never been one, why do i have to "act like a girl" Why do i have to torture myself like that??? 

Now, this is coming the point when it's a "do or die" thing. I know everybody have their limits. I have mine too. Some people have sex change at 18 or 21 - as soon as they are legally allowed to do so. Me, i tried to live with myself, i tried to live with my body but i just can't I am failing miserably at trying to be comfortable in my body. i just can't do things anymore, nothing makes me happy. I am unhappy and unsatisfied with everything all the time and i know the reason for that. I gotta do something about it.

Relationships have never been about sex for me.  It's a nice added bonus, but just that.  Not a deal breaker, and not what I'd go out seeking.

That said, for a long while I put my relationship before being trans because since meeting my girlfriend my depression has gotten a lot more manageable.  Of course I know, and have always known, that being in a relationship isn't just going to cure all my mental health problems, but it's helped more than any other thing has in my entire life for many reasons, one being having a different outlook on life and something to work towards.  To put it into perspective, it's been just under 17 months since my last suicide attempt, previously it had been more times than I could count and always on my mind. In the end though I realised I had to come out to her to move on with my life and be completely happy, and I'm glad I did.

Would I go into another relationship as a "woman"?  No, absolutely not.  I couldn't ever do that, even if it was my last resort and I was desperate for sex and a relationship.

Also, there are less homosexual people out there than heterosexual, a figure I've heard quoted a few times was 1-in-10 but I don't know how accurate that is.  Of course not everyone is going to be comfortable with being with a trans man, but with the existence of more heterosexual people surely the odds should be at least the same of finding a partner as a man than as a woman?  There seems to be a general thought between a lot of people that being trans automatically means you'll never have another relationship, and that's clearly not the case from the number of people on this board and other places who have partners.

Quote from: Arch on June 12, 2013, 01:48:01 PM
I have a pretty hearty sex life, even if it is all DIY.

^Me too and I'm in a relationship.

I have to chime in and say that just because you're in a committed relationship it doesn't mean you got hot running booty on tap. I am coming up on a decade with a girl and we love each other. We've been through a lot together and would probably kill for each other if we had to but sex is usually the last thing on the agenda. My gf has worked two jobs and been in College for about three years now so I could count on one hand how many times we've had sex in the last three years.

I know a lot of the older guys who have been in a very long term relationship/marriage can vouch that things cool off after awhile. So while the OP of this thread is worried he'll never be in a relationship and have sex...you might not really get any even if you are in one, lol. Just have to stop worrying about all these "what if's" and work on you. It should be obvious that if you were a lesbian before transition there is a good chance your situation and dating pool will change. Doesn't mean your life is over, it just means certain things in your life may change. If that will be good or bad is yet to be determined. The most important thing is being able to look in the mirror and be happy with the person staring back at you...no matter if that person is a man or a woman...if you continue with transition or not. You have to figure out what you want in life and either way go for it.