Quote from: Northern Jane on June 13, 2013, 05:02:52 AM
By 13 or 14 I figured out that just wasn't going to happen and that was BY FAR the most painful part of being TS. (Don't even mention fathering a child - the idea was just revolting!) I never did go to a baby shower though I got many invitations - I just KNEW I wouldn't be able to hold it together at a shower.
Entirely. Everything else can be cured with with time, if a long time. Not this. I thought until around 14 'the surgery' would simply give me all the parts I needed, childbirth would be possible. I was naive, innocent, and perhaps in denial of the sad reality of that. Possibly because I had a sympathy pregnancy before, at age 10, complete with morning sickness, food rejection, you name it. Not the same at all though, considering I got no child, no life given out at the end of that tunnel, whether tunnel means the biological tunnel, or tunnel stands for experience, like the idiomatic 'light at the end of the tunnel.' Also, fathering a kid? I'd DIE, I would DIE before I did that, idea makes my face turn a Picasso green.
I still feel this deep, deep pain a lot of times, even now. It's like this hollow area, and it hurts, like someone just yanked my uterus out of my body, where it was supposed to be. I mourn for the area, quite a lot. Like now. I'm almost in tears. I consider my life nearly worthless because of it. It's horrible phantom pains, and I get them from my vagina, too. I'm so sad right now.
Also, for how bad it gets, I probably shouldn't have entered this thread, since this topic makes me that sad and makes me want to cry every time. I'm 21. I just don't know HOW I'm going to deal with this the rest of my life, without honestly losing it. I'm sure I'll get the baby shower invites as well with time, sigh. I mean, looking at this one site, it mentions a International Women's Day thread. The topic was about what they loved about being women. Virtually ALL of them said birthing and raising kids. Well, guess what? With this crappy body, which is better off dead for it, not an option. NEVER! NEVER! It pains me like a sword slowly cutting through my heart, the area just below my stomach, and my soul.
My mother was wrong. I will never make a good mother. Because....I fail, through no fault of my own. Because this life sucks. Because everything, I hate it. I hate me. I could be told to adopt. If I live long enough for that, sure, but, your start bond isn't quite the same, you know? I also hear a lot how lots of natal women can't have kids. That's true. But, in turn, they don't have this stupid transsexual medical history, the costs involved in such, etc. I think that that's important to note. I'm not minimizing that pain, because goodness knows it is awful.
Can we get a trigger warning on this thread? Thanks. Because I'm in a REALLY bad place now because of this. So sad about my future...