Skye,
No one thinks anything bad about you. This is a support site and venting can be a helpful way to get feedback or unleash really bad feelings to get them out of one's system. Doing that doesn't make you a bad person. I will say, however, that you have gotten some really great feedback in your latest couple of threads. It's up to you to decide what to do, but I think you have some decent options available to you. Are they ideal? No, probably not. But it's the same for everyone. It is challenging for all of us. Being trans has it's difficulties in many ways than one. Transitioning brings about a whole new set of problems. It can be overwhelming (I know it has been for me). Yet, if this is what we want, we have ways to make it work. Think about the fact that you are lucky to get to do this in the modern age. Imagine if you wanted to transition, but there was no medical means to do so and society was even more against you. Things could be (and were in the past) much harder. It sucks that it isn't easy, but this is what you need to do. In that event, you are going to have to go through the challenges and overcome them. You have a few options available to you.
1. Continue with your therapist and inquire about hrt letters.
2. See a gender therapist (in person or online) and get the letters
3. Go to a clinic and start through informed consent.
All of these options have their flaws, but they can get you where you need to be. They are worth giving an adequate shot. And I know that the doctors are expensive and the clinics are far. The thing is that is true for almost all of us. We all need to travel to some degree and pay more cash than we would like to part with for our medical care (I'm an American, I know). And it seems like you have a friend on here who is familiar with your situation and geographical location who can help you network to find more inexpensive care. I think that would be wise to follow her advise and see where that takes you.
In any event, no one hates you or thinks poorly of you. You are an important member of the community here and we all want to see you thrive. But in order for that to occur you are going to need to fight for it like everyone else here. Giving up is not an option. It's the cowards way out and you are too good of a person to do that to yourself, your family and your friends. It's time for you to stand up for yourself and meet these challenges so that you can be happy with your life. And once you do this, and you start to live the life you've always dreamed, everything will be so amazing that you will kick yourself for ever having these negative thoughts. You can do this Skye, but you gotta meet the challenges and not give up. I believe in you.
