Thank you,  being able to maintain sexual relations with my wife is very important to our relationship.

Went to the therapist today and reviewed:
Philly Trans Health Conference ( she is teaching other health care providers and is full on all her presentations ),
Reviewed the time I can attend and how to make the most of it.

Went over the clothing buying and wearing topic. I knew this was coming and a big stressor. I agree that it is time to start to buy and wear cloths that reflect me when I am in therapy. This would be the 1st time wearing something in front of someone. We went over the buying phobia. I really want some things that reflect my style and view of myself. I know the look I am after.

Went over hormones and loss of anxiety and head aches (95% gone), a small amount more emotional ( not much more, I was a bit emotional pre HRT but I hide my emotions). The two biggest gains are loss of aggression and being happy. Talked about increasing doses is 2.5 months ( I am on a pretty standard dose now). I want injections next.

Reviewed my biggest fear, breasts. I want them but fear how others will view and treat me. I want a feminine body in total and I am apprehensive about getting there.

I hope I get some head hair back.

These are my fears, hopes and dreams.

Down to 195 pounds  .

Went to the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference today. I had planned to go Thursday and Friday by myself and if my wife wanted to go then go on Saturday with her or alone if she chose not to go.

Had to work Thursday and Friday, no choice in the matter. I am losing vacation time and I was not happy about this but it is ok because I still had Saturday. However, my wife has not read anything I gave her and is not willing to understand Identity and body incongruence. 

Saturday,
we went to the 1st session at 8:45. It was about couples and staying together. She cried through it and when it was over requested to leave. I took her home. She apologized for ruining the day and said she knew how much this meant to me. I said, do not apologize for being yourself and that it is more important to experience the conference with her than with out her and I appreciated that she went with me.

I am disappointed is an understatement.

I can not express the opportunity loss I feel.

__________________________________________________

Rant

I am truly hurt by the ignorance and bigotry my wife expresses. When a person is on hormones, presents as female and sounds female, then when discussing the circumstances with me, refer to her as a woman not a man in a dress and don't tell me her his wife is not there because she must be crushed. "She was the only normal one there", give me a break. Can't you take a pill and be more man, she asked me.


Rant over
_________________________________________________

Funny thing, we were leaving and needed to go to the bathroom. There is a men's and ladies room directly across from each other. Both were marked gender neutral. There were everyone in each bathroom. My wife said go here it is gender neutral.  It was the woman's bathroom. I walked in then walked out and into the men's bathroom then back to women's and then back to men's. I went in the men's, shorter lines. If someone was watching it must have been funny. I was so confused. The woman's room had long lines and I kept thinking hovering and pee on the seats.

 

Went to the therapist today and reviewed my experience at the Trans Conference and how I felt. It hurt to plan and want to go to the 3 day event and have it cut short to one seminar. I live my life making excuses for others who impose and walk over me. I am devastated with the opportunity loss. After my expressing my feelings she suggested a support group in Wayne PA.

She wants me to wear an article of clothing I like at the session ( wanted to buy some cloths at the PTHC). I need a plan B. I know go to a store and buy something.

Went over my wife's mis-gendeering and projecting of anger at me while talking about other trans at the PTHC.

Went over how hormones are magic pills for mood, brain fog, ability to think, make decisions and say what was normally repressed. It feels so good to be doing something.

Reviewed where I work they will be covering Trans surgeries to a limit with certain guidelines. There are 4 inquiring about trans transition benefits currently without current coverage.

Always have a plan b.

It has been about a month on HRT. I was at the beach Saturday and the water was 64 degrees. It felt like someone was squeezing my gonads and putting knitting needles through my nipples. I was in the water for 30 minutes 2 times and was freezing cold. Both times I could not take it and had to get out.

I really looked at guys nipples and boob sizes. Dang there are some big man boobs on the beach; I never really looked before. I was paranoid about my nips, which are erect most times lately. They behaved well and I felt absolutely confident on the beach. I was so frightened someone would notice; just no need to fret.

I wonder how much longer I will be able to be no the beach and not be obvious on hrt. Just got refills of the scripts today; round two!

when you see how many men have gynocomastia, the fear of being discovered prematurely over boobs is almost a non issue

Went to the therapist today and we discussed:

1) the beach and boobies,
2) going to a support group ( need to do that),
3) brother and sister and potentially telling them I am TG in transition, not a support opportunity,

Biggie
4)  HRT has cleared my mind and provided great focus and I say things I never would have said. Having issues with sexual relations. I need foreplay but how do I broach the subject. I need to be caressed . I have not yet a tear nor a sniffle. I was hoping so much to feel and have emotions. I have an assignment to tell my wife my needs while intimate and feel her caress me and connect.

Repairing the damage my self induced coping made is tough work.

You really are handling these initial stages much better than I did.

The background:

I have been on HRT for a month plus a few days. I feel wonderful with great effects such as greatly reduced dysphonia, greatly reduced anger, clear head, calm and happiness. I have had shrinkage, right testis is about 30% in size and vey soft, perhaps mushy. Left testis is 70% in size and getting soft. Erections are difficult to achieve.

The assignment:

This weeks therapy session I was tasked with telling my wife I needed stimulation in order to achieve an erection and then express what I needed.

Making love:
Last night was pretty bad. I was not ready and said I needed stimulation without good communication. She said direct my hand and I said get on top. In the past that always caused an erection. We started then she stopped when I could not get erect. She left the room crying and slept in the family room.

This Morning:

I asked it she wanted me to stop HRT and she said it was my choice and she did not want to express her thoughts and have later resentment. I said I could lower the AA dose after I contacted the Doctor and see if that helped. About stimulation, she said she stopped touching my chest because my nipples feel like a young girls nipples and she cannot touch them. I wanted to say I wanted my balls off me all my life and the nips are great.


I like not having erections and developing nipples and the sensations they provide. I love my wife and I want to please her and be there for her. She is the only person in the world I want to share my life with. I am not going to kill myself; but, those thoughts are present today (1st time since HRT started), although I am not dwelling in them. I am a sad but not crushed.  I actually feel like I need to know the destination to the journey. I am sad and I am not. I feel bad and I feel good. This is so odd.

Emotions:
Not a tear. I want to have feelings that lead to intense emotions but I am just steady.

Any comments would be welcomed. What do you recommend? What do you sense?

:/

Have you considered that you are not a lesbian? Your wife does not seem to be a lesbian or even bisexual. If she were your emerging female secondary sexual characteristics would be exciting and a turn on. She is not comfortable touching those parts of your body that are becoming obviously female. You on the other hand are displaying a number of indicators for being a straight woman.

You are in a very unenviable situation, one that I can not completely connect with on an intimate level. I have not been in your shoes in this way. However this site is full of women who have been in your shoes. I suggest that you make a separate post in the MTF section of transgender talk. The women who will see your post there are more likely to be able to help on this topic.

Cynthia,
I want you to go back through your first 20 or so posts, then look at the last 20 and compare the woman in post one to the woman in the last post. You have come a long way, but there is still a very long journey ahead of you. However, I can promise that over 90% of women who have made this trek are happier at the end of the path than on that first step. It is worth it to become true to self. I can say that with all confidence in my life. I know a number of women who have literally lost everything on the road to completion and they all say to the very last one "it was worth it".

Thank you, Hugs.

You are extremely perceptive.

I did not want to think the thoughts or face the possibility of what you stated; however, I knew deep down inside it was love that attracted me to my wife, love of company, love of sharing, love of being with another person. Sexually, I fear you are correct, I was hoping I could be both. I seam to be shifting a bit more in the past month.

Not all of us are bisexual. It would solve allot of your troubles in this matter, but it is impossible to force this type of thing.
Luckily for me both my spouse and I are both bisexual, so when we transitioned there was not this complication.

As it stands you have no clue where you will fall on the sexuality spectrum for awhile anyways. Many girls have a complete shift in sexuality somewhere along the way. I myself had a bit of a shift. I have always been bisexual, but what I prefer has changed. Pre transition I preferred men sexually. Now I find that I prefer women...I am attracted to both sexes but if I had to choose the boy or the girl and they both were hot...I'd go with the woman. Men are ok, but I just can't see being in a meaningful relationship with one. (ok my spouse is androgyn so that makes hir allot male, especially with the testosterone...so I am in a relationship with an almost male.)
complicated when two spouses transition together...


You have to be prepared to accept her leaving. The genie is out of the bottle. Even if you were to stop transition today and never speak on it again, she knows you are female. She has shared your bed. She shy's away from your female side. Your inner true self will always be there peeking out. In private moments your wife will see a woman; sitting in those quiet moments she will see you and it will ever effect how she reacts to you. How can something like this ever be swept under the rug and ignored?

I have a feeling you are going to be ok. You have taken to dealing with your inner traumas like a champion.
hugz

(I actually wonder if your wife is able to come around on the issue of sexuality... only because her objection was "a young girl's nipples" and not any of the usual reactions of disgust or dislike to touching female anatomy. I can easily understand someone being creeped out by specifically being reminded of a *child* during bedroom play. Maybe she'll have more fun once your breasts seem more "mature" to her? My sympathies; the in-between parts of the journey can be the hardest.)

Just spent the last couple of hours reading through this entire thread.  To say that your transformation from your first post to now has been utterly amazing would be an understatement.  I wish you the best of luck on your journey.  I'm just starting on my journey as well, though I'm at a much earlier stage than you.  Thank you for being so open about what you're going through.  It really helps others of us who are going down similar paths to know that we are not alone, regardless of where those paths take us. 

~Zoë

Thank you so much, you all have no idea how this helps ground the situation for me, Hugs.

I need to share a rather distressing item my wife shared with me yesterday. After we have sex, she has tears in her eyes. during sex she has to put out of her mind I am female, which distresses her. I think it is salvageable, I really do.

The physicians assistant recommended stopping spiro for a month and see the results. I am also on finasteride and estrodol. I feel great today. I mean  fantastic physically. I was a bit dizzy and light headed, very tired, short of breath (drank a lot of water) and had some light chest pains( on occasion) on spiro. I stopped today and feel fantastic. I feel better now then I was at 18 ( without the erections ) . I wanted this to work so bad I was willing to compromise my health, stupid.

Spiro is yucky stuff. I was super happy when I was able to stop taking it.

and ZoëKäsatseng is very right btw, sharing your journey in this fashion is likely helping a number of folks in similar situations,

also; this stuff stays on the internet for ever, some girl 5 years from now will be scrolling through this thread and she will get a world of help from your experience
(waves to the future girls)

Thank you all, hugs.

Went to the therapist today and we discussed:
1) stopping spiro from 7/2 through 7/4 and then taking 1/2 dose since. Explained the erection issue and she said sex is 90% in the head and that the spiro should not have had that effect especially with Cialis. I will have sex this week and see what happens and then go full dose. We agreed the feeling dirty from my wife not wanting to touch my chest and saying she did not want to have sex with a girl is most likely the issues. I need to work on this with my wife.

2) explained I never really desired real men or women. I would get aroused when in proximity due to knowing a climax was in the works. I love the male and female body and desire the female form but I do not desire another. I love the closeness, feeling of skin and tenderness. 

3) reviewed that I do not like being nude and my wife never has seen me nude. Hid piercing and tattoo's for many years with ease. Even that she know knows about the tattoos I have not shown her two on the legs ( most of the upper legs both sides front). She wants to explore next time the body image thing. AHHHHHH, I really do not want  to go there.

4) reviewed nipple, bud and breast ( very minor in any) growth.

5) reviewed how I see my female self. Athletic wear, oh yeah.

6) feelings of confidence growing immensely. I was always timid and sheepish now I am definitely expressing and it feels really really really good. I do not know if it is HRT or taking long awaited action but I feel so good, so alive.



Had 6 phone calls from work during the session! Phone off next time.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on July 08, 2013, 08:56:44 PM
she said sex is 90% in the head

Sounds somewhat familiar...

hmmm..... so where have I heard this before?



I will say it for education purposes and to dispel some myth:
I am post orchi over 2 years and into my 4th year of HRT and my male parts would function for penetrative sex if I was so inclined. When I am sexually excited things still stand at attention just like they used to. My T levels are at 10-25 ng/dl every time tested the last 4 years, which is really low. So the idea that it takes a high T level to attain or sustain erections seems to be a falsehood from my angle.

Thank you, Great big hug.

Yes, the 90% was very definitely and echo and I thought of your post when she said it.