Jasmine,
We can't relive the past, I also wish I could,
And in your case, in spite of your hidden turmoil,
you seem to have lived a good life (that's better than most, and certainly than me).
You are here now, you can do something from now on. That's all that's important, what happens to today and tomorrow and in the future, to find this inner peace that eluded you for so long.
Hope we can travel with you along your journey, help you, and you can help us, everybody's got something to add to the life of others.
Glad to have you here.
Take Care Jasmine.