my name is Sam. I was born male. That was the biggest problem of my life. My brain says that I am female and it makes me sad everday and takes over all my thoughts. I really want to be a girl. I would do ANYTHING to be in a girl's body. i hate my disgusting horrible masculine body. Whenever I look down my pants I ;
am disgusted at what i see. When I look at my chest I often wish I had what the other girls have, when i look at other girls I get so jealous and whenever a beautiful girl says she is unhappy with herself it makes me want to cry. I would love to be a girl. it is so unfair. If I could have anything in the world, even $1 billion I would rather be a full biological woman. I really want to change my s *x when I am older but i am so scared. I do not want to die and I cannot transition alone. I am looking for love. I would date any gender just as long as they accept me as a girl (I am bisexual). I do not dress in womans clothing or shave my legs or anything like that. I do not want to get teased. i still am, however transsexual. I am constantly looking at my self in the mirror and I am often disgusted and wish I was dead. Sometimes I look alright but most of the time I look like a male monster that deserves to die. I have thought of suicide so many times and it is tempting, but I have decided that it is not worth dying a worthless male and I should pursue my dreams. I have had many crushes (female and male) but they were never successful because I am either to feminine or I aren't good ennough looking. I cannot help being feminine sometimes. it just leaks out and it does not feel right when I do boyish things. i feel like one of the girls. They still see me as a boy and it is sad because the boys tell me to phaq off and hang with the girls. Half my school hates me and if I come out they will hate me even more. They know I am bi but they do not care. Being female on the other hand is a different matter. I have talked to my parents and they said I cannot start until I am over 18. They do not have the money to transition me and they say that people will beat me and my brothers up because of it. i'm just so scared I will turn into a bif hairy masculine creatures before I have the chance and i will probably kill myself. The pain gets greater every day and I cannot get rid of it. I want to be a girl. I would rather it than even 1 billion dollars. I want to be able to walk down the street at night in a cute little bra and nice hot short shorts and not be judged and bullied. I want to date someone and be their girlfriend, not their boyfriend. I feel I was born into the wrong body. Someone please message me or comment on this. I need help. Before it is too late. i want to be a girl


PS. that is a picture of me. tell me what you think

Everything is going to be okay. I promise. I swear. Don't do anything stupid. You don't sound like you want to and you shouldn't because life is going to get better. It may look bleak now but one day you'll look back and you'll be so glad you're alive. I've been where you are and I know I am and life will be beautiful. You just have to wait a little longer but it is so worth it.

 Well, you can't be a girl if you kill yourself. If your parents won't let you start before eighteen, then you'll just have to find a way to get around them somehow. There are ways.

Or live with it. I'd probably try the dishonest thing, though - living with it is not very fun, nor is it terribly practical.

Veltiro

Please don't do that, there is support and help here for you.

I know exactly how you feel as I also had the same feelings when I was your age and even now many years later I am trying to cope and now do something about it. It is hard to cope with, I know, but please hang in there. Take things one day at a time is the best way to cope.

Have you considered puberty blockers that will stop the effects of T on you? They would really help you
and give you time and perhaps a different perspective. They would not be obvious and any T development can be changed so please don't do anything silly as you are still young.

I am sure others will post so please don't feel you are alone with these feelings.

J

You aren't alone at all - believe it or not, the "transition or suicide" phase is a stage almost all trans people go through (and, obviously, have gotten through, or we wouldn't be hearing from them today).  I'm a little bit older than you (20, going on 21 in a month), and I think I'm just now nearing the end of that stage, though my transgender nature is something I uncovered in recent months (go on, read my forums posts!  You'll see I was in a curious place just a few months back).  I know it's hard to watch your body become more and more masculine, hell, it's something I have panic attacks over every now and then, but I can tell you it gets better.  The good news is 1) 18 is widely considered a young age to start HRT.  The lucky individuals who were able to block their original puberty and induce the "proper" one through HRT are one in a hundred.  In all my time on this forum, I'm not sure I've actually met anyone that lucky.  If you do need to start at 18, know that the odds are in your favor for fast, drastic changes, as your body hasn't had years upon years to adapt to testosterone.  2) If you do experience physical masculinization in the next few years, a lot of it may be reversible - definitely the skin and body fat, possibly even in terms of the body's bone structure (not so much the face, but, judging by your picture, you have nothing to worry about).  The bones typically don't fuse until the early 20's, so, starting at 18, you have a solid chance at developing wonderfully feminine hips.

3) From what I see in your picture, you have a great future ahead of you!  Your jawline is soft and delicate, but your cheekbones appear quite prominent.  You have plump, feminine lips (with minimal distance between them and your nose), soft skin with a great complexion, and a nose that may or may not have a little, feminine upturn at the end (I can't really see from this angle, but the fact that I can see your nostrils makes me think you do).  All of the features I've listed are of feminine nature, and I haven't even mentioned your bright eyes, or long bangs!  You have a lot to work with, and I can't see that changing anytime soon.  Take all the testosterone you want, your general structure isn't going to change that much.  It's just who you are, and hormones don't have a huge say in that (well, not in this sense!).

4) Don't fret about becoming a "hairy male".  Hair removal is already in a great place, and the technology is always moving to be more affordable and more permanent.

5) I just realized that, if you started transitioning at 18, you could go to a junior college for two years, and transfer out to a four-year as a completely transformed girl!  Complete college experience!  Due to your youth, there wouldn't even be that much documentation to change!  Your birth certificate, driver's license, and...school diplomas?  Maybe insurance information on top of that, and that's pretty minimal, overall.  I can't imagine how rough it must be for the people who need to call a dozen previous employers and let them know about the situation for future references.

All this aside, there are ways to begin HRT before 18, though I won't encourage self-medding.  Some doctors won't prescribe to those your age, but some may through informed consent (though I'm not entirely sure if a minor can consent...?).  Possibilities for an early transition are aplenty, even if they may seem few and far between.  Especially for someone who seems as sure as yourself.

Lastly, welcome to the community!  I HIGHLY encourage you to ask any questions on your mind!  I seriously hope you don't harm yourself, not just due to the trauma that would be for you and your loved ones, but because you have so much to live for.  Your life has yet to even begin, really.  It might seem a ways off, but a female life is waiting for you ahead, and it can only be found in this life.  Not the next.  This one, right here!

Edit: If you somehow start HRT while still in school, don't worry too much about being bullied for it.  No one will know your medical history, and the changes are VERY subtle to those who see you daily - it might even be years before they catch on (unless you start presenting as female around them, of course)!  I don't know your financial situation, but hormones aren't something to stress over from that standpoint.  The average seems to be around $50 a month, some places (Walmart) may even go significantly less!

Hi Sam,

Welcome to the site, and welcome to a family of people who know what you are going through and will always be here for you.

Looking at your picture it is clear that you are a very attractive young woman.

Yes, that's right. You are a very attractive young woman. Gender is between your ears and not between your legs. Those of us born with male bits when we should have had girl bits can get it all corrected, and some of us have!

I'm a woman, I live as me, I'm totally accepted, I kick the ass of anyone who thinks otherwise. I drive a flashy car with my name 'CINDY' as my number plate. I have a boyfriend. I like gorgeous clothes. I'm so socially out and about and I'm enjoying every second.

Why am I telling you this? Because you can have of this sort of stuff as well.

You can't if you are dead, or worse, mess up suicide and live as a semi vegetable for the rest of your life. That ain't fun.

Ye it seems an impossible dream now, but Sam you can do it.

OK your parents are supportive but probably lack information. There is a host of info in the Wiki section that will help you and them. Have a read and let them read as well.

Is there a school counsellor you can talk to? That's a place to start.

One thing about being trans* is something we all learn. It seems so damn hard. It seems so sad. It would be easy to give in.

STUFF those thoughts. You have every right to be a happy content normal woman, and you will be.

If I can do it anyone can.

Hugs my young lady.

Now it is time to start living and not to give in.

Cindy

A long, LONG time ago I was in the same place you are today, I understand what you are feeling, and there ARE ways to get through it!

You need to find some friends, other young people who are in the same situation, and you can do that on-line if there aren't any support groups in your area. Most schools and communities also have some kind of counselling service and, as hard as it might be to talk to strangers about this, you can find support and resources through these people.

You are going to need medical help and you can start looking for an understanding doctor - friends and counsellors can help you find one. You don't have to be 18 to see a counsellor or a doctor on your own and the sooner you start reaching out for help, the sooner you will find the help you need. (I found a doctor who started my HRT when I was 17 when the legal age was 21, so they are out there!)

Taking an active approach, moving toward your goal (even if it is 'baby steps') will help you deal with the depression and the negative feelings. Doing SOMETHING toward your goal every day or every week, even if it is just talking - it will help.

When I was suicidal, two thoughts kept me going:

- If I die now, they will bury me as a boy and nobody (including me!) will ever know who I was

- Death is forever and I WANT life as a woman; I can't have that  if I am dead!

You aren't along veltiro - there ARE people who care!

First off, the photo is great! You're going to look great someday. You have like a real soft face that estrogen will only build upon.

Next, I'm a bit older than you, at 21 (that's me at left; see, it IS possible), but reading this reminded me a bit of me not only now, but back when I was your age, very much so. Above all else, give me one wish, it would absolutely be a totally female body...but thankfully you WILL get that. Not at birth sadly, no, but it WILL happen.

I made it through where you've been. And I trust that you can as well. Does it mean it will be easy? I can't truly answer that one for you, but for your sake I hope it is. Having been down this road, I suggest the following:

First and foremost, medical care. For someone feeling as down as you do about your body, a therapist or doctor, as was earlier suggested, is honestly a good thing. You do want someone well informed for not only future hormonal progress, for your mental sanity overall. I can't stress this enough. Seeing the wrong people will get you nowhere except more discouraged, distressed, and angry, all at the same time. I know this all too well, sadly.

Then, next of important, as Northern Jane says, is baby steps. Shave your legs (which you state you don't do--this will help a little bit), start growing out your hair. I noticed you want breast growth. I used my own method for coping with this that I hope works for you; and while it's not perfect, it helps your self-reflection in the mirror. To do so: stick a pair of rolled up socks under your shirt, with your own time (since they have a good chance of rolling out). The shape you get in your shirt, when you look in the mirror is pretty similar to that of breast buds.

I know how you feel about wanting this above everything else in the world. I really can relate, that struck a chord with me. That and the over 18 business-be careful with doctors on that, too. They're worried about consent laws. If you get someone like that, I'd be a bit concerned.

You should at least ask about blockers, as of right now, though, to family, to the doctor, etc. as something of a compromise. It prevents your further masculinization, and they are fully reversible, from the perspective of your parents.

You want romance, but only as the girlfriend? I do too, like a lot. That will come with time. It won't be immediate, but I am positive it will happen. Same applies with the body down there. I hate it beyond words, but what about thinking of the positive? Think of how nice it will be when you have a vagina instead? When you look down, and, in fact, you are happy!

Last, but not least...you need to be living to be the female you are within.

Sure, you might not have the cute skirt, the blossoming breasts, just yet. But a woman is much more than her clothes and breasts--she is who she is by her movements, her language, her warmth, her understanding. Let her (yourself) shine, in as many ways as you can. Be you--why put on an act? Dr. Seuss once said: "Today you are you, there is no-one alive that is youer than you." If you get told that you're acting girly, why stop? That's who you are after all, right? If you get asked, just say you're being yourself, which is much better than the alternative, right? Just think about the motivational poster: "WE CAN DO IT!"

Be safe, be strong, be you. If nothing else, I believe in you. It personally pains me to see stories like yours, because of that level of emotional distress, bodily hate that I know first hand. *hugs*

As an aside, just so you know...if ever have questions, comments, concerns, or anything, PM me once you get 15 posts (the minimum necessary). I'm more than happy to discuss life with you. Alternatively, there's the site chat, which I personally find very useful for support when need be. I'm usually there, too, every night, if you need a shoulder.

Jesstrogen, your post has got to be one of the best ones I have read on these forums. (Which reminds me, I need to figure out how reputation works and how to add to someone's reputation...)

What Veltrio is going through is probably about where I'm at in my life. In May, I went out to one of the local dams with every intention of throwing myself off of it. I just was feeling like doing that would be a lot easier than telling my wife what I'd come to realize over the last 3 years, and that it would be easier than telling my parents, brothers, extended family and friends. And not only that, at the time I felt like it was the right thing to do. I felt it would save my family and friends a lot of frustration and pain, I wouldn't have to put my marriage on the line just by admitting something to my wife of 10 years. And it would certanly be cheeper.

I got up, got dressed, saw my family off to school and work, wrote a note which I put on the passenger seat of my car, went into town, got brekfast and got my hair cut so I'd look as nice as possible, drove up to the tuttle creek dam, stopped at this area where there's a bridge going to the machine works, got out of my car and hopped the 'do not park or trespass' sign, walked out to the middle, put my hands on the railing, and . . . I couldn't do it. I didn't feel particularly nervous, or even scared. I think in the end it was guilt that stopped me, but I'm still not sure.

After that, I decided to do what everyone here had been telling me since late March, that being to call a therapist. Even then it took me until early this month to make that call.

I won't lie. It was a hard call to make, probably the hardest I've ever had to make. An overly cheerfull college student answered the phone and it felt embaracing to say for the first time out loud to a total stranger that the issue I needed to see someone about was that I'm trying to deal with anxiety and stress from being transgendered. I quickly made an appointment, and hung up, half hopeing I'd forget I even made it.

I've had two appointments since then, the first being something of a diagnostic appointment, the second being an actual visit with the therapist. I'm still scared and not sure what to do. But to be honest? It felt good to talk to someone about it, and this last week I've felt better than I have in a long time just from doing that.

...That and painting my toe nails a nice bright green color while telling my wife that I've been working to teach our daughter how to do that. Probably the first baby steps of my baby steps toward transitioning.

What everyone's telling you is honestly the best advice there is for where you're at. Find a therapist and make an appointment. You won't regret it, and it will, I think, help. A lot.

Quote from: AmyBosch on June 21, 2013, 09:19:08 AM(Which reminds me, I need to figure out how reputation works and how to add to someone's reputation...)

Once you hit 50 posts, colored buttons appear below every other user's reputation.

You definately have a cute face so no worries there. If HRT is in your future it will feminize even more. As for getting teased by your peers if you practice hair removal, I did in school. Teasing is gonna' happen no matter what. I just didn't let 'em see that it didn't bother me, which it didn't and would tease back about some of their shortcomings. If you want to go that route, start out small like trimming first before complete removal.

As for the "S" word. Please don't. One day we're gonna take over the world and we need every one of our brothers and sisters.

If everyone at your school already knows you are bigendered, just feminize more and more a little at a time. Since they are cool with you being bigendered you can probably push the gender limits more than somone completely incognito. Little steps at a time will allow them to become used to it until they won't even think it's that big of a deal.

As for how you see yourself and the disgust with your body, it is dysphoria. It will distort your perceptions of yourself and your self image. If it is bad enough to contemplate suicide it really needs to be adressed with a therapist. Prefferably one experienced with gender issues.

Last but not least, you are not alone. We're here for you and we all have unique experiences on this Mary-go-round. Just think of yourself as being in an all exclusive club. If you keep telling yourself this and that you are indeed special you may start to see yourself the way I see you.

Vel you are going to be gorgeous when you finish transition. The thing to do now is just be you. You've got plenty of time to make the change. Heck I waited until thirty five and you have a chance to do it while in your late teens and early twenties. I'm so envious of just that.

But I do know where you are coming from on the bullying from your peers. My class used terms like queer, gay and ->-bleeped-<- like insults. And lesbian was just another term for "slut". Even in college when being gay or lesbian was accepted being transgender was still an insult and remains so today where I live. It's all seen as some mental defect here in the southern United States. It's not much different where ever we go.

That said there isn't anything wrong with it. You need to be happy and if this does it and you can have an active hand in it then that is so awesome. Please stay strong and stay with us. There is a wealth of information and experience here to help you get those little changes going before starting the expensive items. 

I've been in the same place at multiple times in my life.  It's tough to go through gender dysphoria, but it does get better.  Just a month ago, I was terrified that I'd be disowned by my family and hated for who I was.  Well, turns out I couldn't be more wrong about their overall reaction.  For years I thought that this was never going to be possible.  And now it is all happening and fairly quickly.  Things can and do turn around.   Don't focus on what other's in your school might do or say.  Bullies shouldn't be in charge of your life.  Right now, you need to focus on what makes you happy.  Even if physical transitioning will occur a little in future, there are things you can do to prepare yourself for your transition.  There is no need to throw it all away.  You are young and have the best days ahead of you.  I understand you don't believe that at this moment, but I once felt the same way.  You will get there in time. 

I can't really say anything more than what the others have said, but I just thought I'd add that that even if you started transitioning before HRT, I think you'd be able to pass just fine. I say this because you actually look very similar to a cisgirl at my school.

I really hope things get better for you, as I'm sure they will. You'll make a very pretty girl!

You look beautiful.

I think doing something, a small thing, that enhances your feminity will make you feel better. It could be an article of clothing, bed sheet color, sox or growing your hair longer. Each time I did something I felt better. Focus on the small change and take comfort in doing something to express your self. Tell your self how you feel while wearing the item, even model it in the mirror.

I think I thought of suicide, in the past, because I was in pain. The pain was from not feeling I was moving closer to my inner self. You will get there, a little at a time. Remember, enjoy the little things and smile. You would be and feel a lot prettier wearing a smile.

hah thanks everyone. Dear Jesstrogen. You can email me ... if you want. Also, you actually look like a girl to me. You remind me of this ciswoman who mmakes youtube videos. Google [overly attached girlfriend] she looks just like you. as for the rest of you, thanks. i won't kill myself, at least for the time being. I might grow my hair out to see if I look more attractive. my hair is very thick and it may just make my head look bigger. also, i was thinking of dying it black. wat do yous think? thanks girls (and guys too if I accidently missed one or two of you)

veltiro you can also utilize the chat function of Susan's like Jesstrogen suggested. Sometimes it helps to have people to talk to in real-time.

sorry i cannot. my school lap top bugged out when i tried 

It's really not worth destroying yourself over.  You have much to live for.  I know you are holding off the suicidal plans temporarily, but you need to do so permanently.  It will get better.  As others have said, there is more to transitioning than the appearance aspect.  While you are waiting to start everything, you can begin the mental groundwork that will be needed for a successful transition.  Also, one of the key features of transitioning is getting a perfect voice.  These are things you can work on now.  You should definitely try growing you hair out.  I'm sure you will feel better about it.  Though in my case, the more hair, the more problems.  You should see the wavy frizzy monster that occupies the top of my head.  Thank god for straighteners. 

Quote from: veltiro on June 21, 2013, 05:45:30 PM
hah thanks everyone. Dear Jesstrogen. You can email me at Coronias.Tavarako@gmail.com if you want. Also, you actually look like a girl to me. You remind me of this ciswoman who mmakes youtube videos. Google [overly attached girlfriend] she looks just like you. as for the rest of you, thanks. i won't kill myself, at least for the time being. I might grow my hair out to see if I look more attractive. my hair is very thick and it may just make my head look bigger. also, i was thinking of dying it black. wat do yous think? thanks girls (and guys too if I accidently missed one or two of you)

Glad you are somewhat better. If you grow it and it is thick it will make your head look bigger but just hang in there and get through the awkward stage because my hair is the biggest thing for me.