So, in case anyone hasn't noticed, I have been in a pretty bad funk for the last couple of weeks. And, well, I think it can be traced back to one singular event.

It happened three weeks ago. I was in full "girl mode" to visit my therapist, and everything was going fantastically. I was feeling really good about myself. I got a "she" as I was walking in, I got "ma'am"ed twice that day based on my voice alone (once in the McDonald's drive-thru, and then yet again over the phone with Best Buy.) Everything was going good. My self-confidence in "girl mode" was still admittedly a bit shaky, but it was getting better every time I went out.

Then it happened. I decided that I was going to make the switch to women's deodorant, so I made a stop at Walgreen's on the way home to buy some. And as I was walking through the aisle, this tiny little petite store clerk gave me a very odd look, and asked if there was anything she could help me with. I nervously said no, I was just looking for deodorant. Then once I was ready to check out, she did a very odd thing, going completely out of her way to tell me that she could check me out right there in the back of the store rather than going to the front. I didn't know why she was paying so much attention to me, and something seemed off about it, but I let her check me out anyway. And then she said it. "All right, sir, you're all set."

It didn't really hurt at first. I was in too good of a mood for it to affect me right on the spot. But, well, then it started. I stopped being able to see a girl when I looked in the mirror. Increasingly, all I could see was this giant hulking mass with a thick neck and a heavy upper body who didn't look the least bit feminine. When I put on my wig and looked in the mirror, I didn't think that I looked pretty anymore... with that same face that, only a couple of weeks earlier had made me giddy with excitement because of how good I looked, now I couldn't see anything but a male face with a wig on. And that was when I started getting depressed. I started freaking out about HRT not going fast enough, feeling insanely jealous of everyone else, hating my body, hell, even thinking of going as far as doing a complete water-only fast for a month in order to lose the stupid bulky fat off of my upper body. And, well, if you've read my posts recently, all I've been doing is complaining, feeling inadequate, and being extremely jealous of everyone else.

And again, I can trace all of this back to that one little instant, where I was called "sir" while I was out in girl mode. I haven't been the same ever since. It's been almost three weeks since it happened. And I haven't been outside the house in "girl mode" ever since. And I've barely even dressed inside the house ever since. I used to spend hours on end dressed, just enjoying being myself, and yet now all I seem to do is throw on the wig for like 10 seconds, look in the mirror, frown, and take it right back off. And again, it's been like this for almost 3 weeks now.


So, well, anyone else who has been "sir"ed" while out in "girl mode," how did you deal with it? How did you manage to not let it completely destroy your self-confidence? Because, well, mine has been destroyed. And now I honestly feel like I'm right back to where I started... feeling dysphoric as hell, hating my own reflection, and wishing against hope that I could be smaller or less masculine and just reach the end point of HRT already so that I can finally quit feeling like nothing but a man in women's clothing every time I go out in "girl mode." Help? I'm so tired of feeling like s*** about myself.

I'm sorry. I think all girls have those moments when we feel not pretty. But that clerk was just being a total shmming bag... She only did that to try and hurt you. Just something girls like to do in order to hurt other girls

Big hug! Don't feel bad, hon. It sounds to me like the cashier actually thought they were being helpful. People who aren't familiar with us are doomed to get things wrong. They made a mistake, don't let it get you down. As long as you believe in yourself, the world will follow. Hugs, Devlyn

One person shouldn't make or break your happiness and confidence, even though it can and often does.  I'm looking at your avatar and see a pretty girl.  So don't worry that one person mistook you.  There are plenty who are seeing the girl you are.  And with the hormones and further effort, this is only going to improve.  Instead of seeing the negative, try looking at the uplifting fact that you are already passing to some people pretty early on.  I think that is great.  Just wait until a year from now.  The only time you'll hear sir is if a guy is behind you. 

  sorry to hear that.  I still get called sir, and I know its hard ya just gotta shrug it off. its gonna happen a few more times, wont lie,  I dout ill ever be able to fully escape the word sir. A semi-male/andro toned voice comes out of me when im angry, and sadly I spend alot of time angry. So its alil easier for me to get clocked........  Just be glad you didnt get called sir over the P.A system at a martial arts tourny.    I was so embarresed I dropped out and left. and at the moment I was in 4th place ready to take 3rd. I was in a mixed gender competition. But it was very upsetting.  Destroyed me for weeks.

Quote from: learningtolive on June 22, 2013, 01:50:25 PM
I'm looking at your avatar and see a pretty girl.

I appreciate very much the hope that you have, and I REALLY do look forward to that day where the only time I'll ever hear "sir" again is for the person behind me. But this one part of the post, telling me that all you see is a girl in my avatar pic... I'm getting kind of tired of hearing that. Yes, I agree with you, in that one picture, I do look like a girl. But that's not really an accurate representation of what I look like in normal life right now.

If anyone wants to see what I really look like, and not just from flattering angles, https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,127362.msg1166466.html#msg1166466 just look at the pictures I posted there. Then you'll probably get an idea of why I'm stressing out so much, and still feeling so inadequate.

Your individuality is so much more important than the entire concept of gender.  I know it must be frustrating to hear this, but your love for both yourself and the way you choose to express yourself is only going to come from the inside.  You are a women because you know you are and no outside force should get the chance to influence that.  That pretty girl in the mirror is still there, and she shouldn't let some meanieface stand in her way!

Just my $0.02.

I agree with Devlyn Marie. The cashier was probably trying to help but quite why she would then say "Sir" is just unfathomable. When I used to see a welfare officer she would watch me come towards the building and leave it, giving it my best effort to be female, and she always told me, walk tall and hold your head up high. I hope that you can do that again like it sounds you did before your reversal. xx

Do you use makeup? I noticed you made another post saying you didn't have a skincare routine and I can't emphasize enough how important makeup can be in the difference between passing and not passing. Pre-HRT when I applied makeup I would literally see myself go from guy to girl after applying makeup. I know some people on these forums say wearing makeup is such a stereotype but it is rare to find a girl who doesn't use at least some foundation and light eye makeup and lipstick. There's a reason why the cosmetic industry make billions of dollars.

Even light makeup goes a long way in feminizing one's appearance. Plus it's fun and you can mix and match your lipstick and eye makeup to your outfits and accessories and I only speak for myself but I feel pretty good about myself after applying makeup. I won't leave the house without at least some foundation at the bare minimum.

And if you already use makeup, sorry for being obtuse.

Ummmm...sorry Carrie but I can't agree with you based on those pictures. I have seen plenty of cis-women with features similar to yours.  Oh, and I wish my nose were as small as your's is.

So far as coping with being sir'd is concerned then I have to start by saying 》HUGS《. Yeah, that's a really rubbish thing to have happen. I don't know whether the sales assistant was trying to be mean or helpful but I suspect the latter which was then combined with a large dose of ineptness and a sprinkling of unawareness to make her do almost exactly the wrong thing.

What got me through the patch you are in at the moment is going out and expecting to be sir'd. It meant when it happened (and it did, more than once) I was not entirely like a kick in the stomach so hurt a little less.  I feel the most important thing is to keep going out again and again and again.  Over time you will develop your own ways of dealing with the inevitable mistakes that confused people will make and (more importantly) fewer people will get confused and make the mistake in the first place.

Hugs again,

Rosie.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on June 22, 2013, 03:31:15 PM
Do you use makeup? I noticed you made another post saying you didn't have a skincare routine and I can't emphasize enough how important makeup can be in the difference between passing and not passing. Pre-HRT when I applied makeup I would literally see myself go from guy to girl after applying makeup. I know some people on these forums say wearing makeup is such a stereotype but it is rare to find a girl who doesn't use at least some foundation and light eye makeup and lipstick. There's a reason why the cosmetic industry make billions of dollars.

Even light makeup goes a long way in feminizing one's appearance. Plus it's fun and you can mix and match your lipstick and eye makeup to your outfits and accessories and I only speak for myself but I feel pretty good about myself after applying makeup. I won't leave the house without at least some foundation at the bare minimum.

I've never used makeup in my entire life, and I'm honestly a bit scared to try. I don't even know where to start. (And on all of the times that I have gone out, it has been with no makeup.) My therapist does tell me that she thinks I'd look great with a little mascara on, but again, I'm kind of afraid to try it. Where the hell would I even start? There's so many different brands, so many different types... what does everything do? How the hell do I know? How do I take it off once it's on? I have no freaking idea! Same deal with the skin care post. I have NEVER used any skin-care products before. I was NOT a very feminine guy. Socially, yes. But in terms of fashion and beauty products of all sorts, I am pretty much completely clueless. I don't even know where to begin. (Maybe I should make a separate topic for that...) And I'm still dealing with some BIG phobia problems when it comes to going into women's areas of stores and asking for advice, which this incident did not help one bit with.

Well you might find you really like it and it might make you feel sooooo much better about yourself. Really it's not that hard but I can understand how it could be intimidating. I just love it when I do my makeup and when someone else does it for me...OMG it feels so great.

All you really need is foundation, some eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss or lipstick and possibly some blush. With foundation you bascially just smooth it across your face and create a pallete on which to apply the other makeup. Eyeliner will take some practice but it'll come to you. You don't have to go crazy either, just use some dark eye shadow and voila, you'll have smoky eyes. Mascara you just kinda brush it on. Heck you can even just put it between your eyes and blink a couple times and it'll apply itself. Blush can be a little harder but just smile and make apples out of your cheeks and apply it to the apples of your cheeks. Blush can be tougher though. I just use a light pink for blush. And as far as lipstick, just use a a light pink or red that almost matches your lip color.

You'll be amazed at the difference. Really it's just about practice. But you can start right now and order some online if you don't want to buy it at the store. I think it could really help you. And some women may tell you they don't wear makeup but what they mean is they don't wear dramatic makeup.

Heck a recent poll in the UK said that over 90 percent of women find speaking in public easier then going outside bare faced and they would rather cancel a date then go without makeup. That's over 90 percent of women will not interact with other people without makeup!!!

Do you have a girlfriend who can help you? I know my one girlfriend is so so so psyched about my transition. I should call her lol

well youtube tutorials help alot, also you could ask a friend.   Or if you Live in or near NW indiana. I'll give ya some lessons.

Quote from: Teela Renee on June 22, 2013, 03:53:44 PM
well youtube tutorials help alot, also you could ask a friend.   Or if you Live in or near NW indiana. I'll give ya some lessons.

I would have to agree. Youtube can be very valuable when learning make up. It is very overwhelming at first. I know I was there a year or so ago. My advice would be to just take it one step at a time. You tube some basic skin care videos. Then once you feel like you have a grasp on that, then try your hand with some concealer and foundation. The people in the videos will recommend products and techniques. No girl was born wearing makeup. It is something that was taught or learned. It takes time and sometimes you will fail at makeup. But, its part of becomming a woman. Also, I am not advocating that you have to wear makeup to be presentable. But, if you try it and find you like it and how it makes you feel then thats wonderful. If on the otherhand you try it and its not for you, at least you know.

I was never a super fem guy either. I played the male part very well. I have also been mis gendered while in full on girl mode. Its happened more with people who only know me as Liv and not as my male alter ego. It hurts, it hurts ALOT I won't lie about it. But, you have to remember transition is a process. From what I gather you are just in the fledgling stages of trying to pass. Hormones take years to make your body realise its full femanine potential. It will take some time before you pass 100% all the time. But you will get there. You have to try new things, push some boundries and overcome hardships. Some peoples hardships come from looks, or family or work. But, you will survive. You just have to be patient and learn to accentuate the positive and live with the negatives. In my opinion though, I think its time to start experimenting with makeup. I think you will find its alot of fun... (at first) 

<3 Liv

P.S. Screw that cashier! Don't let the opinion of one person get you down.

I'm sorry that this has happened and given you such a rough time.

But...

You have a choice over who gets to control your feelings or emotions connected with your self-image. It's usually better to try to keep control for yourself than to hand it over to other people. I know it's easier said than done, I know there's times when you just can't help your reaction, we're human, we all have feelings and emotions and words do affect those feelings and emotions. But still, it's something to aspire to.

Another thing is that there's nowhere where any sort of definition of femininity is written. Femininity is individual, it comes from within, and there is no standard.

It's a bit like body shapes and sizes. Seriously. Not even clothing manufacturers can stick to a standard when it comes to body sizes and shapes.

I still get the 'sir' every so often partly because I place a much higher value on my own emotional well-being and comfort than being passable and my voice is pretty much my Achilles heel.

Over the phone with my utility companies I try and make a joke out of it, informing them that I've been with their company for years, I keep asking them to make a note on my file stating that I'm transgendered but maybe they're overworked. I ask them to go see a supervisor and tell them to put the whip down for a minute and make a note for me.

In a shop they get asked twice to stop calling me sir. The second time I tell them that if I hear sir one more time I will take it up with management. This usually resolves the issue.

European languages tend to be gender-oriented. In my country, nowadays clerks mostly use gender-neutral pronouns for customers. Yes. It was a little bit perplexing when I got sired in the U.S. or European countries.

However, nowadays, I do not try to pass. For example, I usually go to shopping stores with my little daughter. She follows me while always repeating 'dad' 'dady' and so on. Even I am alone, I do not care.

Even when I wear skirts and heels, I am usually with my close friends who know me very well. They accept and understand who I am, an m2f transsexual dad who is not going to transition because of his family. Still sometimes they praise my beauty. A few guys even ask whether I can allow them to touch my arms or legs. Women tend to touch my body without my approval.

The fact is that I am not and can not be a genetic woman, and I am probably between men and women. I accept that fact.

Regarding the clerk, I know that there are a lot of pilferage in any big store, and I guess she probably worried about it, but did not respond properly. Just my guess.

barbie~~

I only get that crap from people trying to be ->-bleeped-<-s that know of me from others. I ignore it as best I can and still nice as hell to them. Hardly any of those will do it anymore, makes 'em feel like idiots in front of others I suppose.

I'm sorry hun it is a very painful word. Can take the wind right out of your sails. We have all been there. When I got called it I would always be like EXCUSE me? what did you call me?!

One thing positive in the light of this painful situation is it tells you that you "may" need to focus on something to make this incident less likely to happen next time. Maybe a little more work on your voice? Maybe your posture?.. etc. Take it as real world learning. Find the good out of it rather then letting it control your mind.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on June 22, 2013, 03:38:09 PM
I've never used makeup in my entire life, and I'm honestly a bit scared to try. I don't even know where to start. (And on all of the times that I have gone out, it has been with no makeup.) My therapist does tell me that she thinks I'd look great with a little mascara on, but again, I'm kind of afraid to try it. Where the hell would I even start? There's so many different brands, so many different types... what does everything do? How the hell do I know? How do I take it off once it's on? I have no freaking idea! Same deal with the skin care post. I have NEVER used any skin-care products before. I was NOT a very feminine guy. Socially, yes. But in terms of fashion and beauty products of all sorts, I am pretty much completely clueless. I don't even know where to begin. (Maybe I should make a separate topic for that...) And I'm still dealing with some BIG phobia problems when it comes to going into women's areas of stores and asking for advice, which this incident did not help one bit with.

As a few of the other girls said about make up watch some YouTube videos. There is some wonderful tutorials on there. It is where I learned I was not a girly guy I was actually pretty manly. Just take your time learn one thing at a time; once you master one thing move onto the next. I started learning eye makeup first. I told myself I'd like to be flipping awesome at it. Eyes are my best feature so I looked up videos on mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow to highlight them. Google searched the best color eye shadow for my eye color. You'll pick up whats best for you with time. Learning make up is trial and error.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on June 22, 2013, 03:00:49 PM
I appreciate very much the hope that you have, and I REALLY do look forward to that day where the only time I'll ever hear "sir" again is for the person behind me. But this one part of the post, telling me that all you see is a girl in my avatar pic... I'm getting kind of tired of hearing that. Yes, I agree with you, in that one picture, I do look like a girl. But that's not really an accurate representation of what I look like in normal life right now.

If anyone wants to see what I really look like, and not just from flattering angles, https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,127362.msg1166466.html#msg1166466 just look at the pictures I posted there. Then you'll probably get an idea of why I'm stressing out so much, and still feeling so inadequate.

I saw those pictures and I don't think you are in a terrible position.  What's the biggest difference from your avatar and those photos?  The hair.  Once you grow out your hair things will be a lot easier.  It takes time, but you shouldn't have too many problems after doing that.  I agree that makeup can be helpful as well.  There is no shame in it.  Almost all girls where make up.  I'm not just being nice here, I honestly don't think it is as bad as you think.  I really think growing out your hair will make you feel better.  Even if you can't grow it out, then you can always use a wig and pass really well.  Many women do this, so it's nothing to worry about either.

Having said that, I know how you feel.  The other day my mom told me I'm manly and will never pass.  It was very hurtful and I'm still not over it.  People can really damage our self perception and it's hard to get past it. 

I respond with the evil eye until they start stuttering, then leave.