So ya still alive lol. I figured I'd... update I guess?
I suppose there isn't a whole lot to say other than the dysphoria has been pretty bad lately. Not sure how to cope with it entirely, so I've just buried myself in my video games.... Like a lot of video games... like seven games lol...
I don't know how to explain it right now. I had a chat with a friend of mine last night about it, and I suppose talking about it helped a bit, and she happens to be a transwoman herself so it was just nice to talk to someone who relates to it... Considering she's been there herself and still goes through it.
Like I know that one thing is certain... Whenever I go to bed lately I just notice it more than ever cause well being physically female I have a bigger chest than I'd like. They just feel so... in the way? I don't know how else to put it. Then I go to take a shower and I just try avoid the mirror altogether which is difficult since my bathroom is small and it's like... right there.
Though I suppose it's not all bad either. Most of my friends have gotten more use to things so have been referring to me with male pronouns which does make me smile and make me feel a bit better, and then when I play this multi-mass online RPG (Star Trek Online) no one in my fleet knows I was born female and just automatically assumed me male, which is normal in such video games, and that alone has been amazing.. Hard to explain really, I mean I am a man, and I feel like a man, so it's just nice that people who don't actually have to see me or know me much more than just in that game world...
Well ya it's been nice. I'm really bad at explaining things lol
My mom and I are on a silent agreement that we don't bring up that I am trans, and I'm ok with this for now... I'd rather finish college at this point so that I can have a good job and make enough money to get out of the basement and live on my own again. Also so I can do my transition without worrying if I'll get kicked out or not. Then she can have her fit all she wants... I mean it's not that I wish ill on my mother, she just lives in this little box of what she thinks the world is and for now I have to go by that. It sucks but... so long as I don't end up homeless and or having to drop out of school. I'd rather not do either of those things.
I just want college to start up again so I can resume seeing my councilor since it's free while the semester is going. And my therapist has been pretty good about listening to all this even though she herself has never encountered a trans person in this manner. She's rather new on how to help with it but she's done really well so far by doing her own research so that she can help me better.
Anyways, that's the long and short... I don't know what more to really say without just rambling and saying the same thing in different words lol.
Oh on a last note I think I came up with a middle name finally. Jerred Kade would be my first and middle. lol suppose the curiosity on that is if it sounds well together.
