I'm scaring myself with how angry I am over nothing. Instead of being depressed and sad and frustrated like I was before T now I'm moody every other day, quick to lose my temper (more than I ever did anyway), and ready to hit people, animals, walls, doors, whatever's in my way. I had to put my pets away because I was afraid I might lash out at them.

What set me off? A website didn't have information on it, my lunch didn't cook right, and I don't have the ingredients for dinner.

I'm going to talk to my doc when I see him in July because this is really troubling. Is anyone else dealing with this? I worry because I came from an abusive past because of anger management issues and I do NOT want to turn out like that.

Sounds a little like "'Roid Rage."

Quote from: Jamie D on June 26, 2013, 02:07:57 AM
Sounds a little like "'Roid Rage."

Sounds a lot like "Roid Rage". Sorta surprises me when I read things like this because T has mellowed me out. Then again I wonder if it would be different if I started T before I had my hysto.

Have you had your levels checked? Has this just started now that you've started back up on T after having a few weeks off since nobody was able to do your shot? If so it might be because your hormones have been all over the place lately.

Why wait to see your doctor? No human or animal should have to live in fear because you're a hot head right now. Call your doctor's office and inform them. They might bring you in sooner.

Also sounds like spiking testosterone. 
Boys do tend to fix a lot of problems by punching
Them....

Welcome to the not-so-wonderful world of men Enjoy Your stay

Aww, by the way, there was the full moon this Saturday or Sunday. This also might be an explanation for You being recently moody.

Quote from: Simon on June 26, 2013, 02:28:46 AM


Sorta surprises me when I read things like this because T has mellowed me out.

This. I was a lot more volatile before T.
Sometimes I wonder if I get frustrated easier (my PC is really pissing me off). But I doubt it.

It seems like HRT sometimes releases stuff for certain people. I hear a lot of mtfs going on about being way more emotional than I can ever recall being on E. Maybe it releases pent up emotion for some.

You might have high levels. I have had no emotional change on T at all.

You may have high levels or it may be that you would be better taking doses less spaced out. For example if one injected every 2 weeks, maybe a half dose every week would average it out more. Definitely worth talking to your doc about.

Also, you have to remember that your body is going through a lot of changes right now and there'll be a lot of triggers. No kid goes through puberty very easily, it's a hard time and that's what we're reliving. For example, I'm getting the annoying acne so I know that if I have a job interview or somewhere to be and that annoying obvious pimple appears, I'm probably going to let it anger and annoy me and it's more that I'm just letting all the pent up stuff inside me that I'm experiencing as I transition manifest at that moment because of an external trigger.

Also, the first time we go through puberty, we have all those around us going through the same thing, and support as such from peers and family. This time, it's a little more alienating, and depending on how your parents are, there might not be that family support. So it's a frustrating time to say the least, so it doesn't surprise me that folk can get angry so easily. It could be T levels or it could just be emotional, but either way, you can work through it.

I'm finding a lot of wisdom in this post.

Quote from: Jack_M on June 26, 2013, 01:50:06 PM
it may be that you would be better taking doses less spaced out. For example if one injected every 2 weeks, maybe a half dose every week would average it out more.

This actually did me a lot of good. It helped my depression, and it might have helped me with some anger issues. Despite my complaints about my emotional rollercoaster, I am making progress. I used to be genuinely fearful that I would forget myself, lose control, and physically lash out at someone. I'm still worried about that, but I have to admit that when it comes to other people (and animals), I have things pretty well under control now. What drives me nuts now is how my emotions control me when I'm pretty much alone and something unexpected happens. I go into what my therapist calls "overwhelm."

Quote from: Jack_M on June 26, 2013, 01:50:06 PM
Also, you have to remember that your body is going through a lot of changes right now and there'll be a lot of triggers. No kid goes through puberty very easily, it's a hard time and that's what we're reliving.

My first puberty was pretty horrible, and I have always been very sensitive to chemical changes and medications and stuff like that. Maybe that's why my second puberty has been so rough. But it was also accompanied by so many other changes, and that's true for a lot of trans people. Most teenage adolescents don't have to cope with the loss of a marriage/partner, job, and longtime home when they are going through puberty! And plenty of other trans people lose parents, friends, extended family, kids...now that I think about it, this sort of thing can make for a very rocky second adolescence.

Quote from: Jack_M on June 26, 2013, 01:50:06 PM
Also, the first time we go through puberty, we have all those around us going through the same thing, and support as such from peers and family. This time, it's a little more alienating,

I didn't feel that I had any support the first time--but on the other hand, I don't have much support now, either! The past couple of years, the only person I've really had to talk to about all of this is my therapist. I don't like the support groups anymore, I've been too busy to see my closest trans friend, I don't see my best cis buddy very often (and I don't talk much to him about the less attractive aspects of transition), and my best gay friend doesn't even know I'm trans (and I'm too busy to see him these days, also). I come here, of course, but there is something liberating about talking to somebody face to face and speaking the words out loud...as I have said to my therapist many times in the past year or so, "You're really the only one I can talk to about this nowadays."

Maybe my sense of isolation is a key factor in my current difficulties in dealing with my emotions. But I know that there's more to it than that, so I spend a lot of time figuring out my past and my present and my triggers and my hangups.

Randomroads, it might be useful for you to analyze the various aspects in your life that could be contributing to your anger. What were things like before, and what are they like now? What is the same, and what is different? What emotions has transition uncovered, smoothed over, made more intense?

I get more angry on T, but it tends to burn out as quickly as it started. I had a bit of trouble when I first started on it, but it got better as, I think, I learned how to handle it.


--Jay

Do what most teenagers do with anger....
Go to the gym and get ripped....work your butt off
At the max you can do...until your to exhausted to be
Angry...
And get that jail house build....mm... Girls will melt

I'm waiting for July because that's when my appointment is and that's when I can afford the travel (6 hour round trip). I've put in a call to him to discuss this. Yesterday was absolutely mental. If I wasn't raging at something stupid I was fighting off tears or laughing hysterically because it was better than bawling my eyes out. It could be a spike, it could be my hormones all over the place because of the few weeks I went without. Either way I'm not happy. Today I feel exhausted because of yesterday. I guess that's good. When I'm mentally exhausted I don't get angry.

July is my first level check since starting. I'm going to insist he give me a script for something that's not injections, even if he wants to try spacing it out longer. I made a post here about a month back about how I felt terrible about injecting. Last night I freaked out when it came time for my shot and couldn't go through with it. I can't keep experiencing extreme stress and fear every week or two.

I didn't know that you'd missed some shots--maybe I didn't read carefully. That can mess you up big time. I'm not a doctor, but it seems to me that until you are getting a regular dose over a reasonable length of time, it's going to be hard to judge the effects and the appropriateness of the dosage. Make sure you are "regular" the week before and the week of your blood test, at least.

I blame the full moon . I have been getting much calmer ever since I got on E and my T level was average, but last Saturday I almost picked a fight with one random neanderthal who was very rude with the girl working the sales counter. I remained calm while I was eyeballed by him and fended off his attempts to provoke me, but I felt my blood boiling and temper rising . So much for that calming effect - one should never underestimate the effects of full moon and what T is doing with Your brain and body .

Call me crazy (wouldn't be the first time) but I really think you guys who are having problems has to do with still having your internal organs. Before my hysto my natural E levels were through the roof and my T levels were were in the low male range...and I was an emotional basket case. Didn't take much to set me off at all.

Just because you're on T doesn't mean that the E doesn't have an effect on your emotional well being. In my own personal experience the mixture of hormones made me very unstable.

I don't think you're crazy at all. Cis men do have a very small amount of estrogen in them but it's no where near what my ovaries are pumping out every single day. When they have a endo disorder that elevates their E levels they're freakin unbearable to be around. There's a lot of questions I have for my doc when I get to talk to him face to face. How he can help me get a hysto through insurance is one of them.

Quote from: Simon on June 27, 2013, 05:20:27 PM
Call me crazy (wouldn't be the first time) but I really think you guys who are having problems has to do with still having your internal organs.

The way I understand it, the Big O's should shut down after a little while. I've been on T for over four years, and I started after I had already completed the whole menopause thing. I'm not sure how much a person's hormonal output is affected after menopause. I'm sure that the fluctuating hormones issue applies to some guys, perhaps most--but I don't think it applies nearly as much to me, particularly after so long on T.

But it's been quite well documented that men tend to be more aggressive than women--and this is the case across species as well, with males demonstrating more aggression than females. This is one reason we neuter male dogs, cats, and horses. Stallions will rip each other to shreds; geldings won't. So I don't find it at all unusual that some trans men have to learn how to tone down their more aggressive urges. And, as you point out, some or even most of us do have a period of competing hormones, and most of us do not have the luxury of a proper adolescence in which to behave less than maturely and still evoke the reaction that boys will be boys. Who says that about a forty-year-old? One of my big fears, actually, was that I would act in age-inappropriate ways while my second adolescence was in progress. I'm sure that my anxiety fed the actual effects and that I made life more difficult for myself. Self-fulfilling prophecy, to some extent.

I've spoken with my therapist about my more aggressive tendencies, and he says that a significant number of his other trans man clients have reported similar issues. I was trained not to be assertive, not to make waves...so the new behaviors definitely stand out. (In addition, I was sort of raised to be a well-behaved, emotionless automaton, and I'm sure that my upbringing and my years of repression make all of these strong emotions seem all the more big and scary.)

I'm curious. How many of you guys get your E level tested after you are six or more months into HRT?

Quote from: Fitter Admin on June 26, 2013, 07:04:21 AM
This. I was a lot more volatile before T.
Sometimes I wonder if I get frustrated easier (my PC is really pissing me off). But I doubt it.

It seems like HRT sometimes releases stuff for certain people. I hear a lot of mtfs going on about being way more emotional than I can ever recall being on E. Maybe it releases pent up emotion for some.

Maybe I'm weird but I  was a lot more volatile and emotional before E. It's not like I am not emotional anymore but I only cried a couple times since I started HRT and I used to cry a lot more. I think it's because I feel a lot more calm and happy and content with the world now. I like it as I don't want to be that emotional wreck anymore. And that's how people would have described me: a difficult, emotional, moody wreck.

I'm so volatile now but really had my peak in anger about 1 1/2 years ago where I felt as if I was repressing my identity the worst and people and the situations I was having with them caused me to fly off the handle. My anger was really tested. Since then I'm slightly calmer but I will lose it randomly in public which is no good. There's a possibility I might be starting t pretty soon so I'll have to see if it (hopefully) doesn't spike my anger level higher than before because who needs that?

I got a reply from the doc and he wasn't concerned with what I reported happening. That's put my mind at ease, and he told me we're going to talk about different methods of getting T in my system besides injecting.