06-26-2013; 23:36
I feel totally listless now. I bought and read 60% of Looking for Alaska today. I want to search for a "great Perhaps". I want to leave this place, my home, and I don't know why, or for where, or for how long, or how I would get there or pay for anything or even how that would help but I just don't want to be here right now.
This feeling of being totally lost came on suddenly but it's not a stranger really. It's dysphoric, I know that. I want so desperately to be at the end of this terrifying journey but I can't even force myself to take the first real step. I can't let go of my deeply conditioned response to threat, insecurity, self-consciousness, anxiety, and anything else mildly negative.
I get quiet, surly, masculine to protect myself from anything that makes me uncomfortable and that makes me more uncomfortable and the cycle continues and it makes me hate where I am in life and doubt where I'm going and fear ever getting there and cower away from trying, really trying, to force life to be what I want.
A sea of quotes floating in my head because saying things well is impossible for me, much like smiling from morning to night or even holding a coherent stream of thought without drifting immensely off course.
First 2 from Alaska;
"If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane"
- Says so much to me about who I feel I am and wish I was. I am a drizzle and can't seem to muster even a single gust or breeze toward that hurricane future I want so god-->-bleeped-<-ing-damn badly. Which brings me to number 2
"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. (...) You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present."
-Which as I stumblingly explained I do all the time. I hate it and want to change that about myself so badly but I don't. I never do it, I never shut up and put up. I just shut up and sulk, and pout and fall apart momentarily and cry myself to sleep and get surlier and more gruff and introverted and closed off and keep smiling and laugh when I hear the punch line because I know what a joke is and I know that the correct response to a joke is laughter but I don't laugh. I make the noise and smile with my teeth and tilt my head and drink my beer and put on a show for the nice people that I'm not falling apart but I can't do this forever and I'm dying to live for the first time in my life, not just survive in abstract and numbing hatred of what my life seems to be right now but actually live!
Quote number 3;
"Each of us has the power to make of this life a prison or a palace"
I want that palace so bad, and I know the only thing keeping me in this prison is my fear and lack of confidence but I can't seem to break the mentally destructive cycles of my life thus far and it is grinding me into nothing so much faster now than ever before. The night is darkest before the dawn but the fear of that hope; that the green grass of the far side of this unsurmountable hill, rotting and fading is paralysing.
How do people power through this? How do I step out of my comfort zone, and the discomfort zone of my own head, and live an actual life? How the ->-bleeped-<- do I live for real?
27-06-2013; 00:08
TL:DR = I'm scared and hate my fear..
