Hi,

I've been reading what all of you have been writing for some time with great interest.  Finally,  I have decided to take the plunge and create a post.

I can trace my knowledge of wanting to be a girl all the way back to nursery school.  All through the more than 50 years since then, I fought the "female feeling" by getting married, having kids, making friends, and starting my business (a very male specific one at that!).  It was not until about 15 years ago that the urge got the better of me.  I was depressed, saw a therapist, and, well, you know how it goes.

Last October, at the age of 56, I decided that I had had enough and I had to do something about it.  So, I've been on HRT and have been doing laser ever since.  Here's where some of you may be of help.  I know that HRT is not going to give me anywhere near the results I might have seen in my 20s, maybe even my 30s.  Still,  I am seeing breast enlargement, but nothing else.  With a 50/50 gray and brown beard, laser has been relatively ineffective.  And even though I know you mean well, telling me that I can still "find love" at this juncture, is well, not true at best.  I have a huge bald spot (I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon later this month, but don't think it will be of much help, even IF I can afford it), so I may have to wear a hot and uncomfortable wig for the rest of my life. 

I have not told my children yet, but feel they know something is up as they often make remarks about trans or gay people in front of me.  I will lose my business (I am the sole employee), my insurance,(on wife's policy, getting divorce) and most of my friends.  So I ask you, the only people who can possibly empathize with me, at 56, is it worth it?  I'm beginning to have doubts.  I mean I have fought it all this time.

I'll try to get a half way decent picture and post later.

Thanks,

Michele

I began at 54 and I am now 59.  MPB and the salt and pepper facial hair.  But I keep on going.

And to offically welcome you.

Hi Michele,

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Janet  )O(

Only you can answer the question for yourself.  i also built a safe life as a male, even though I knew it wasn't right for me.  i am in a similar spot as you, though I started hormones and electrolysis 18 months ago at age 66.  i am still in the safe life most of the time and jumping to a full transition means the end of that life.  Some times I am discouraged with my progress and wonder if I should give up, then there are times when it seems clear that I have to continue because those times are my happy times and the doubts come with dips of depression.  There is also the issue of putting myself first and stopping playing the role I have played for others.  That role is safe and less risky, as long as plodding through life is enough for me.  i keep going because my happiest times are presenting as myself, though it is scary to risk loosing my carefully built life as a male as I am closing in on 70.  in the end living the happier life is probably going to win out for me, and the old life will end.  stopping seems more painful than continuing to realiza Leigh Anne.

I'm two weeks shy of 49, and within sight of 56 (less than a decade)...is it worth it?

For me, yes. Like MMOD said, my happiest times have been as Beth. Am I always sunshine and rainbows? No...but that's part of the mourning process for what has been changed (or lost). That too, shall pass. Long-term...I am on the 'happy" side of the ledger.

HTH, 

Michele, welcome!  I am about your age.  I have been married nearly 30 years.  I have four kids.  My hair has thinned.  I have a gut.  Living the male facade for over 5 decades nearly killed me.

And for the last 15 months, HRT has been contraindicated because of a medical condition.  So I am sort of at a standstill.

But let me turn that question around.  Could I go back to the way I was?  Put on a show?  Make everybody else happy while I slowed died inside?  I don't think so.  I have seen the promised land.  I know how it feels to be the authentic me, even if I can not achieve that end right now.

I very similiar to you and I'm over sixty. Its something that I thought about for a long time before I decided on HRT. At our age there are positive aspects, which include we dont't need to reproduce we have been there and done that, our metabolism will slow and we seem to be calmer - this is good for our general health, our face will fill out and we will look younger, our butts will fill out, hair will grow to a degree and use Rogain it will help. We can still do sports we love and now have a new life filled with new wonders. We have been giving our whole life as males to support the family and we now want to give back to ourselves. Finally, as we get older the differences in males and females look wise, after some cosmetic surgeries will be much easier to pass. For me at my age its more a mental thing and I dont want to be what I was as a male. There is the issue about friends - lifelong ones and thats another story

Is it worth it?  YES! Its never too late to be truly  happy!

Hi Michelle,
Welcome to Susan's.  As others have said only you can decide if this is worth it.
Another word to use.. Is it logical?  Most likely anyone other than another trans person will
say this is crazy.  For myself reading your short description of your situation is transition logical?
No full transition is not logical.

Can you find a way or have you tried living as bigender?  You mentioned you had a breakthrough
16 years ago.  What have you been doing since then?  Are you out to your wife?  You mentioned
a divorce is impending, have you tried separating?   At least you might be able to keep insurance benefits.  How accepting is your community?  How large is the town geographically?  Could you move to a little apartment and start a real life experience and keep that separate from work, at least for while?  Have you been out at all presenting as woman?  If so how did that feel? 

None of these questions really answer your question "is it worth it?"  But to me the answers might help decide how to transition.  Reading your description of your life post-transition everything is bad. How can you make things around you more positive?  At this point I guess I am just rambling...

As far as myself I "went full-time" at 48.  I had been "out and about" mostly to gay bars and such. Slowly coming out for 8 years.  The last 2 years I was living on my own, separated from my wive.  During that time I was able to really feel life as a trans woman... How does it feel going grocery shopping, pumping gas, puttering in the yard, just walking down the street?

Here is a quote that might help. "Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith."  I don't think anyone can tell you if this is worth it.  But I do know transition will require a lot of faith.  Faith in yourself, faith in the goodness of people, faith in the universe.

Best wishes for your journey,
Elaina

I transitioned late but had I not had the resources to be able to live in relative stealth, I might consider that it would not have been worth it. If you live in a non-TG aware locale, you may be able to get away with wearing a wig but not in trans-aware places. I do not think I would want to spend my "Golden Years" being clocked every day as Trans. But that is just me.

I figure I spent about $85,000 on my transition, much of it donated to me by JP Morgan Chase, the Bank of Hong Kong and the Bank of America. After all the work, my life has become an absolute dream. But without it, I am afraid my life might have been a nightmare.

UCB, I've met a few people who'd been crippled, both by accidents and by disease...in talking to them they've told me that before their life-changing event, they'd been of the mind "if I lost my sight, I'd just kill myself", or "if I thought I'd be paralyzed, I'd just want the plug pulled"...but once the deed was done, they found new strength and courage to go on. And some lost everything (including their spouse, all assets, friends, home etc). Yet, they found a way to make life happy again.

Everything can be replaced or redone...but not happiness from within. If transitioning makes us happy like that...we'll make it work somehow, even if we are clocked every day.

Hi, everyone!  Boy, has everyone been sweet since my initial post!  You all make me feel better about my transition.  Some days I just feel I will never really be "me" and be happy at the same time.  Wearing a wig is a big drag, no pun intended  .   I have only  come out to four people, none of my family, however.  One of my friends has not spoken to me since I told her last year.  One sort of knew, but I came out to two of them enfemme as a total surprise.  Of the two of them, I was certain would dump me after that, but I was shocked to have her call me shortly after.  She told me she had given lots of thought to it, and if I would make me happy, she was happy.  Since then, she and her 20 year old daughter took me on a day of shopping.  She gave me a gorgeous pink Coach purse, and later her daughter made me a bracelet.  If only I could trust everyone with my secret and expect the same response.  My other friend gave me a fuzzy pink bathrobe for Christmas.  The one who sort of knew talks to me every day but has never done anything with me or done anything for me.  Weird, but ok, I guess.

I look for and need approval, I suppose, but am terrified of the opposite.  I feel my wife will flip out and my kids will have a tremendous amount of difficulty when told.  I know they will look on it as an embarrassment to them and will feel humiliated when confronted by their friends.

One response to my initial posting said that instead of it "being worth it" at 56, "is it logical"?  That is the better term, I must admit, and thanks for suggesting it.  Is it logical?  Absolutely not.  I knew what I wanted my whole life yet I NEVER did ANYTHING about it when I may have had a much more successful transition.  Anyway, I forge ahead with two breasts that are outpacing my other changes.....   

It's a bitch keeping a secret...living a double life. Just ask any super hero. But, in the early stages of transition, it can be done...but as you found out, some will accept it...and some won't. There is just no way of telling who will, and who won't.

Eventually, as your journey becomes advanced, there will be no hiding it. People will suspect, usually months before you announce it. So the prudent thing to do is "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."

First, the wife. Expect, and be ready for, a divorce...or at least a separation.
Mentally prepare yourself in case ALL your friends abandon you. What about your job? Are there laws where you live that prohibit being fired for TS status and/or perception of orientation? Will your church support it, or will they condemn you?

Give some thought to these questions, and others...ask here for advice relating to your situation...and always remember: IT WILL GET BETTER.



Hope to read more from you! *hugs* and good luck!

We have lived as a male for so long - each has their own reasons for doing so. For me it was a family obligation. It will be different for us who are older - when I was at Dr Suporn's, who does not accept srs when you are over 65, unless he checks you out, that was a big reality check. I was fully acceptable, but he said at our age he considered the spirit of the person and their outlook in life and not just the health. He wanted a FFS  first and a year on hormones. He  knew the family name and addressed his concerns on my acceptability amongst my friends and that I had seen a therapist for a long time. When we finished the exam and and listened to me and my reasons and convictions he became very supportive.

There are many ways to live in order to fufill our destiny - sexual wise we can be gay, straight, bi or whatever we feel we can live happily. We do have to face the reality that we may need to relocate, and for you, is age an imparement? here is where your spirit and convictions are important. You may lose many of your friends but you will find new ones. I too have had moments that pondered I'm too old but do you want to leave this earth without fufilling your destiny? - do you want to live your Golden Years unfufilled - That will be your conviction. My wives and children will understand as they considered me to be androgyneous. I"ve planned carefully my timetable ( time is not on our side) and have figured a way to have them come to a self realization - where thay are asking me about changing. We are older and wiser - USE these asets  to our advantage.

Good luck and may you find peace.

I'm 53 and it's worth it. I'm the happiest I've ever been and after being outed nationally on TV, I literally have nothing to hide. With the exception of my daughter and a lesbian couple, everyone has been amazing and supportive. Several ex-girlfriends are now great girl-friends.

With respect to physical changes, my brain on HRT is amazing. The dysmorphia is gone. The depression is gone. The gender OCD is gone. I love how I'm now thinking...and the really good stuff is coming over the next 12 months.

My hair is fuller, skin softer, and tighter. I'm slowly losing my shoulders, while gaining in the butt. I've always been tall and thin, with a swimmer's build and it's easy to see I now have an A-Cup. I've had to start wearing a bra because my boobs are so sensitive. My eyes look amazing and face softer. I will need FFS, without a doubt, but it will take years off me. I'm told I'll look like a 40 something pediatrician! lol.

In short, I love every minute of it. Good luck :-)

Quote from: Jamie D on June 26, 2013, 11:23:46 PM
But let me turn that question around.  Could I go back to the way I was?  Put on a show?  Make everybody else happy while I slowed died inside?  I don't think so.  I have seen the promised land.  I know how it feels to be the authentic me, even if I can not achieve that end right now.

This sums my response up nicely. I am soon to be 57, been successful at faking the guy stuff for 5 decades. When the excrement hit the fan 4 years ago I came to realize just what Jamie said. I had slowly died inside. Most to all of my energy and the few emotions I allowed myself to openly express went towards reinforcing the male and suppressing the female. THe facade I had put up I believe was the root cause of most of the major disasters in my life.

My wife had often said "Who in their right mind wants to be a 56 year old woman?!" She is right. Who in their right mind wants to. Yet.... I rediscovered a lost world by finally embracing my trans status rather then burial attempts and denial. I realized what it is to feel alive. To feel happy in my own skin. Happy being me.

I still am unsure what path I will ultimately wind up on. You know all too well how much more complicated life gets the older you get. My decisions affect not just me but also my wife, our finances, our future.

What I can tell you is that 30 years ago I experimented with transitioning, gave up, decided to try to be a guy. Put it all behind me. Over 3 years when I started taking on the trans beast once again I swore that transition is the last thing on my mind. A year or so later I was living part time as female and loving life. I know I cannot go back to that person I was.

Yet, when I try to argue with my wife with "What's the point?"; "I cannot even think of doing anything for years?"; etc.. she gently responds with "I don't want to come home and find you hanging from a rafter in the garage"

She has a point

I'll be 59 in less than two months, and have been living full time for nearly 22 months, by far not only the happiest months, but probably only the truly happy months of my life since puberty. I can't tell anyone else if living as I do would be worth it for them, but I will NEVER go back to being a male impersonator, because that's all I ever was. I'm at peace with myself 90% of the time, and the other 10 has more to do with my ongoing problems from physical pain than anything. My biggest problem isn't passing, I'm never clocked, it's thinking back to the 35+ wasted years of depression, self hatred and constant feelings of being a girl locked in a male body I felt, the sexual feelings I had toward men and the women I hurt by lying to and about myself. I don't have children or a wife, and I'm sure those two factors in themselves would give me pause, but as it is, Michelle, I'm really quite happy, at peace and I believe in God more strongly than ever. And when I do get a little down, all I have to do is look at my now feminine hands, the clothes I was meant to wear from birth, and the woman's face in the mirror smiling back at me. I have to say one last thing. I was drinking a 12 pack of beer or more every day, thinking of suicide by the hour, and after my third attempt on July 12, 2011, I came to the next day, in a rage that I'd lived but determined to change myself. I quit drinking, started dieting, ordered progynon depot and have lost sixty two pounds. That and my painted nails made my fat and ugly hands thin and feminine. I hope and pray you find happiness in your life. Hugs, Miranda

I'm 51 - close enough.

For me - yes, yes, yes.  I'm finally me, for the first time in my life.