I have been working really hard on my voice for the past couple of weeks.  I never worked very hard on it before.  Initially I just got it to where it was adequate and kind of stopped.  Not that I was happy with having a barely adequate voice, but I think subconsciously I knew how hard and frustrating it would be to really fix it properly and I just was not in a place to be able to handle that.  Maybe I was just lazy too, idk.

Anyway, I have been working so hard on it, hours every night, and I just don't feel like I've made a bit of progress with it.  Every once in a while it will sound really good, but that was true a couple weeks ago.  And I feel so frustrated and upset with everything right now that I'm just sitting here in tears.  Feeling some very familiar emotions that I haven't felt this intensely in a long time - of being locked inside this hideous physiology and not knowing if, how, or when I will ever be able to break free of it.  The amount of work and money and heartache it takes to try to simply be myself in the world is just overwhelming sometimes.  And it feels like, in the best case, all that effort will allow me to barely adequately project my actual inward self outwardly.  A weak light breaking through dark glass, I guess.  I am just so tired of working so hard to be barely adequate, and I'm just exhausted by the whole process of everything.

This is totally ranting, totally self-absorbed, totally egregious negative BS but when I feel this way I have to exorcise it from my head.  Get it OUT by dumping it on somebody else, frankly, and this subject is not one I want to discuss with anybody, so idk, I felt like just letting susan's be my therapist for a sec.  I could go pay a "real" therapist $100 to listen to me cry for an hour about how transition sucks I guess, but I feel like I've done enough of that for this lifetime.

I hate not being able to be positive for anybody right now, but I just had to vent tonight.

No need to feel bad about not being positive.  We all have our moments and need to go through the bad to get to the good.  Voice training is really hard; however, you can and will get there.  It just takes time and lots of practice.  I'm not one to talk personally, as this is a weak spot for myself, but I have seen people with really deep voices get a stunning fem voice.  You'll get there.  Just don't defeat yourself with negative thoughts. 

Hi Jen

First off...I think you are such a natural looking female that the voice is not going to matter, but....I can understand the need to have the voice match the look !!

I have heard your voice on the one thread...I will say it is a bit towards the falsetto range but not as much as you may think. My suggestion is to just relax and talk from the back of your mouth and no further...you will eventually get a sore throat if talking too much but at least it's a female sound.

I can honestly say the voice thing was something that really got me down....its not that I couldn't change it....its that I thought it was the weirdest thing to have to do...I thought there was no way I could go on faking my voice the rest of my life. It turned out that...Yes I am faking it but I do not feel that I am eh...

There is a post somewhere on this forum with a recording of my voice about a year and a half ago...I can honestly say that I don't sound much different today...and I never get mis-gendered on the phone...in fact I have had to use a PA system at work some times to page someone....ugh!! I really hate to do that but I have noticed I sound the same as many other women that also page and probably a little better then some.

The really weird thing is I never really practiced or struggled....I actually just settled on a voice I was comfortable with. It never hit me until I came out to my children...as I told them about some of the changes they never noticed like....being referred as their mom (they never really noticed) I also told them my voice had changed  my youngest child said ya...what ever ...you sound the same (I really didn't think it changed much myself) I cleared my throat a bit and used my old voice. They were completely shocked!!! as was I!! I have since heard it on videos and such and wonder who that person was I also never want to bring out that voice again!! YIKES!!

Thanks you two .  It felt good to get it off my chest and it's nice to have people listen for some sadistic reason lol.  I don't exactly get that, but it's true.

@Just Shelly, I have been trying to raise it like 2 notes, which doesn't sound like a lot, but it is.  Maybe I am just shooting too high, esp if it is sounding falsettoey, but you know what they say, "shoot for the moon, even if you miss... um, you'll be set hopelessly adrift with nothing but the grim vacuum of space to keep you company"  something like that anyway lol.

I know one thing for sure, I won't take very many tearful nights like this before I just give up on it.

Jen, my dear!  I listened to your video.  Your voice was passable, but could use fine-tuning.  You even acknowledged that in the vid.   I think we all could use improvement in different aspects of our lives.

I get very frustrated when I do not see immediate results.  But I have been forced to take things slow.  Voice isn't even really on my radar yet.  I suck at so much.  But I celebrate the little breakthroughs when they come.

Don't give up.

I do acknowledge it has so many problems lol .  I was thankful for your honest feedback, and it actually was more encouraging than anything else.

The fine-tuning you mention is driving me up the wall though, cause it isn't happening and after you try and try to do something for 20 hours and get no results... and it starts reminding you of everything you have had to deal with... well, you just have to have a lil cry for a bit I think

I have posts to you all over the boards.  I forgot to mention something.  The natal female voice drops as they age.  Not sure why, but I know that for a fact.  For me to have a girly voice would be totally wrong.  Ideally, I would have a womanly voice, appropriate for advanced age and decrepitude.

Are you saying I'm old, Jamie?

I haven't worked on my voice yet for the exact reasons you mentioned. It's really hard or I'm lazy. My voice hasn't directly effected passing as no one looks at me strange after I open my mouth but it is barely passable. I heavily doubt I pass all the time so there is that but I expected people to be like "whaaaaat? OMFG! ->-bleeped-<-!" But it hasn't happened. The other thing is it is so hard to listen to my own voice which I know is a common thing but still the thought of working on it turns my stomach into a butterfly factory.

I have a trans girl for a friend and she said she isn't going to work on her voice at all and people can stuff it lol wish I was like that.

I have just started the task and it is hard, but after watching videos and  talking to people I feel like it can still happen. Like Jamie said take the small things when you can.

-hugs-

Voice is tricky.. In face to face situations, I don't find I have too many issues.. The phone, however, is evil..

Quote from: Joanna Dark on June 27, 2013, 01:03:02 PM
I have a trans girl for a friend and she said she isn't going to work on her voice at all and people can stuff it lol wish I was like that.

I said I'd never do any real work on my voice - it's a part of me being a trans-rebel.. That said, I'm seeing a speech therapist this afternoon, specifically to get some assistance with my phone voice - something I swore I'd never do.

Aww, somehow I missed all of these replies.  Thanks so much, chicas

Quote from: Jen on June 27, 2013, 12:56:02 AM
Are you saying I'm old, Jamie?

LOL No!  Looking at you, I'd say you were in your middle-late 20s.  Me?  I am almost 30 years older than you. My voice, at its best, might only sound like an older Tallulah Bankhead.

Just saying, a 'teen" voice might not fit.

Quote from: Jamie D on June 28, 2013, 07:36:08 PM
LOL No!  Looking at you, I'd say you were in your middle-late 20s.

Lol really?  Thank you so much for the ego boost!

I'm actually 37, so...  yep I am actually getting old(ish).