Umm...hai, I've been putting off joining a forum for quite a while now but I'm getting really confused about who and what I am. So I have decided to do something about it before I either do something I regret, or do end up doing nothing and regret it later on in life.
My birth name is Alex and my 'alter-ego' name that I want to live by is Caia, it's coming up to my 20th birthday soon.
Up until about half a year ago I felt like I was wrong, I have never felt manly and have had no inclination to do anything that the generic male does. Feeling fake 24/7 because I need to act like everything is normal even though it is most defiantly NOT. Girly things have always interested me but due to privacy and the thought 'That would be weird to do that, just forget about it' always blocked me
Anyway as I was saying, a while back I saw a picture on Facebook of Kim Petras with the caption 'Do you think she's cute?' (I can't seem to find the pic with the entire caption, sorry)
and I thought yes (She's freaking gorgeous!) And then I learned that she used to be a guy and immediately I was researching these things because I was totally oblivious to trans-type stuff. And ever since then I don't think that has been a single waking hour without the idea of changing myself into somebody who is actually me, not just some automaton that I am day to day.
But, as much as I want to lie to myself, I am scared. About every tiny thing. Going to my doctor, seeing a psychiatrist, saying 'Yes, I want to do this' (I really do!) and the whole family/social aspect as well. My looks, I get freaked out thinking what could go wrong with them as well.
I live in the UK and struggled to find a job for 2 years, and if I get kicked out of the house before I can get my own place then I could lose my job and my placement at college.
That's as much as I can type right now, sorry to rant at you all. But this is the first time I have ever talked about this.
Appreciate any help or support, feel free to ask me any questions.
