Each passing day I feel worse, I thought starting hormones would help... but then as I scout through different forums, different peoples "experiences." I can't help but notice, most support is fabricated, not genuine. There's nothing but beats around the bush.  People obtain happiness through this process... but I can't help but wonder, is it real? Or just someone toning their brain to process a lie.  I see myself every day, of course I see a boy. It's what I've been all my life.  Despite my feelings, I've always been a boy to everyone around me and thus myself.  Being raised like such, I'll never get that back. Problem 1.  I see my mirrors, a long face looks back with a gaping eye to mouth distance, that's not feminine. I don't care which female names you throw at me, Liv Tyler, sure. But in the end, it's still a heck of a lot smaller and more feminine than mine and 90% of males on this planet.  Where do you find clarity? I don't feel fine being a Grey gender. I don't take pride in being trans, in fact I wouldn't affiliate them if I didn't have the desire to boost my own confidence.  What gives? Why do I get to feel this way only to find out there is LITTLE help for me to be TRULY myself. Why do I have to feel this way, while 95% of the population goes along without this bother. Why do I have to feel like I'd rather die than continue to live as a man. Furthermore, why do we lie to each other?  Who does it help?  You look great sweetie! Do they? Is that actually helping?  There are only few people I've seen on support forums who have legitimate responses, a great many have seemingly fabricated responses as a sort of confidence boost which in the end, might actually give them a WORSE reaction.  I just don't get this, I'm tired of feeling this way only to know in the end I'm just a man with estrogen. Oodles.

Quote from: Sierra Belle on June 30, 2013, 11:05:37 PM
I can't help but notice, most support is fabricated, not genuine. There's nothing but beats around the bush... Furthermore, why do we lie to each other?  Who does it help?  You look great sweetie! Do they? Is that actually helping?  There are only few people I've seen on support forums who have legitimate responses, a great many have seemingly fabricated responses as a sort of confidence boost which in the end, might actually give them a WORSE reaction.

Bull ->-bleeped-<-. I think most people that post positive remarks in a post can be trusted to have been sincere and genuine. Now, they may have chosen to withhold overly critical comments, but that's only because usually one can't tell if the OP wanted a good critique or just a confidence boost. I'm sure as an artist you've seen much the same in forums that are centered around sharing art. Sometimes people are just looking for a confidence boost--and they truly need one.

Let's just go down the posting art example since I'm an artist too. Say someone posted up a picture that looked like total crap to me. It'd be a pretty ->-bleeped-<-ry thing to do to post up something like "OMFG! My eyes! That ->-bleeped-<-'s so bad I can smell it from half a continent away!" (a bit dramatized, but some people's critiques I've seen have been just about as insensitive). In truth, what'd I'd do would vary depending on whether the person asked for a critique or not. If not, I just try to find something positive and comment on that. If they asked for a critique, I'll pick one or two things that I think they can improve on. And I'll usually sandwich that between a couple positive comments for encouragement. If they start out their posts with something like "I want honest opinions here, it's ok folks, I have thick skin and can take it."; in that case, I'll probably lay out everything I think they could do to improve. If I can tell they put in a valiant effort then I'll commend them for that and anything else I thought they did right. The thing is, unless the person says so in their post, there's no way of knowing what type of feedback they are looking for. And that is why I err on the side of caution because the last thing I want to do is stamp out a budding artist's enthusiasm or desire to draw.

Here I would think it is even more imperative to use judgement when posting support or critiques. Some people's self esteem can be very fragile, compound that with any potential depression they may be going through from dealing with trans issues and the wrong remark could push someone into a very dark place--something I certainly do not want to do. If I post comments of positive support here it's because I think they are needed, just because they don't point out a person's flaws doesn't make them any less sincere or genuine.

QuotePeople obtain happiness through this process... but I can't help but wonder, is it real? Or just someone toning their brain to process a lie.

I can't speak as one who's been through the process since I'm just starting to go through it myself. I can say however that I have faith that I will be happy in the future. I'm sure there will be miserable times and hell to go through time and time again. But I know the journey will also be interlaced with moments of achievement, joy, peace, triumph, and yes happiness. I have already had such moments since I've started down this path. When I'm feeling down I look back on them and use them to fuel my determination to go forward. They are also what assure me that I am on the right path and that this is the way for me to finally be happy.

QuoteI see my mirrors, a long face looks back with a gaping eye to mouth distance, that's not feminine. I don't care which female names you throw at me, Liv Tyler, sure. But in the end, it's still a heck of a lot smaller and more feminine than mine and 90% of males on this planet.  Where do you find clarity? I don't feel fine being a Grey gender. I don't take pride in being trans, in fact I wouldn't affiliate them if I didn't have the desire to boost my own confidence.  What gives? Why do I get to feel this way only to find out there is LITTLE help for me to be TRULY myself. Why do I have to feel this way, while 95% of the population goes along without this bother. Why do I have to feel like I'd rather die than continue to live as a man... I just don't get this, I'm tired of feeling this way only to know in the end I'm just a man with estrogen. Oodles.

Maybe you're just having a down point and maybe not. But it feels to me that a lot of this is your frustration speaking. That's understandable considering what you are going though, hell, more like what you've probably gone through most of your life. It does get tiring. And sometimes, when you look in the mirror you just can't see yourself the way you want to be. But let me ask you, instead of looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself all the things you don't like, how often do you instead talk to yourself as a friend would? And I mean really have a genuine conversation with yourself. It may sound a little crazy but it isn't. I mean, how often do we criticize or perhaps even belittle ourselves? Is it not fair to give yourself some positive support too?

Just try it. Find some time alone in front of a mirror when you won't be interrupted. Imagine seeing yourself and knowing all the pain and frustration that person is going through. What would you want to tell yourself? Can you envision yourself holding their hand and saying something along these lines?
"Sierra, I know this sucks, I know it's hell and I don't understand why we are this way. But I know we will make it through it. I know there is a brighter future. It may get hard at times but I'll be right here holding your hand. You can count on me to be there for you through good times and bad--always. You are beautiful, I know sometimes you don't see it, but you are. For I see you as who you truly are and as who you can become. Don't give up hope. And this down spot, it'll pass, just like they have in the past--there will be brighter days in your future."

I'm just putting that out there as a starting point. The idea is to talk to yourself and tell that person what they need to hear. Be a friend to yourself and help them out of the rut they are in. I was challenged to do the same by my therapist a few weeks ago. I was struggling with self acceptance and had a lot of feelings of guilt and shame I was holding on to. I also still had lingering thoughts that I'd never be beautiful. She taught me why the guilt and shame were not mine. Then she challenged me to talk to myself, to release myself from the shame realizing that it didn't belong to me, but to those that would have me feel shame for being who I am. She challenged me to be a friend and support myself, having that real conversation with myself in the mirror.

When I did do it, it was a very poignant experience. I cried as I spilled out my feelings to myself. I was able to shrug off a lot of negative thoughts and feelings I'd been carrying around about myself. I was also able to motivate myself like no other person can.

Well hun, I hope you pull through your rut soon. *hugs*


Oh, and FWIW, looking at your face I think you'll make a very pretty girl. Just give the mones time to work their magic. Hell, you already read 'girl' to me in that pic.

Well you are trans whether you like it or not, so maybe that is why you affiliate. I think you would do well to try and see the world in a different light and not see yourself as a "man with estrogen." At the very least you are a trans woman. You are transitioning, yes? How long? What else can you do besides detransition, which would be a unwise choice. You look around 18-21 and seem to be a lot like me so I can tell you in 10 years it will become unbearable. I'm 30 and for me it was transition or die. In fact I used to wish I was dead a lot and did not care about life and now I do. Perhaps you are just going thru a rough patch but my advice is to try and see the world from a different view. And about the so-called eye to mouth ratio stop looking at golden face ratios. Really you are not going to be unpassable if that is what you are worried about. In fact, you are going to do just fine. Seriously.

#1 you don't have to continue living as a man

#2 people do attain hella happiness through this process... and it ain't no lie.

#3 life is life, and one could easily say that everything is fabricated or that nothing is at all fabricated

#4 support always helps when the person seeks it. In life there is a beautiful mix of moderation between cold hard facts and confidence boosters- both are equally important and the balance is different for everyone. The way one interacts and responds to others subtly tells what kind of a mix works best. Everyone is different.

#5 hormones do help when administered properly, and perhaps if you feel depressed or that your mood has taken a dive you should try a different method of hormone delivery

#6 you appear to be already very cute, and will make a gorgeous woman. Trust people who tell you this, work with what you have, and eventually discover how beautiful you really are

Quote from: Joanna Dark on July 01, 2013, 02:49:37 AM
Well you are trans whether you like it or not, so maybe that is why you affiliate. I think you would do well to try and see the world in a different light and not see yourself as a "man with estrogen." At the very least you are a trans woman. You are transitioning, yes? How long? What else can you do besides detransition, which would be a unwise choice. You look around 18-21 and seem to be a lot like me so I can tell you in 10 years it will become unbearable. I'm 30 and for me it was transition or die. In fact I used to wish I was dead a lot and did not care about life and now I do. Perhaps you are just going thru a rough patch but my advice is to try and see the world from a different view. And about the so-called eye to mouth ratio stop looking at golden face ratios. Really you are not going to be unpassable if that is what you are worried about. In fact, you are going to do just fine. Seriously.

I honestly didn't mean that as a discredit to the truth, more like when all is said and done I dream to be a woman and nothing less, not to say trans woman are any less. I'd just rather be seen as if it didn't happen that way, because it should be our right shouldn't it? Btw, you have amazing eyes Joanna. I saw your pics in another post.

Quote from: Alaia on July 01, 2013, 02:43:50 AM
Bull ->-bleeped-<-. I think most people that post positive remarks in a post can be trusted to have been sincere and genuine. Now, they may have chosen to withhold overly critical comments, but that's only because usually one can't tell if the OP wanted a good critique or just a confidence boost. I'm sure as an artist you've seen much the same in forums that are centered around sharing art. Sometimes people are just looking for a confidence boost--and they truly need one.

Let's just go down the posting art example since I'm an artist too. Say someone posted up a picture that looked like total crap to me. It'd be a pretty ->-bleeped-<-ry thing to do to post up something like "OMFG! My eyes! That ->-bleeped-<-'s so bad I can smell it from half a continent away!" (a bit dramatized, but some people's critiques I've seen have been just about as insensitive). In truth, what'd I'd do would vary depending on whether the person asked for a critique or not. If not, I just try to find something positive and comment on that. If they asked for a critique, I'll pick one or two things that I think they can improve on. And I'll usually sandwich that between a couple positive comments for encouragement. If they start out their posts with something like "I want honest opinions here, it's ok folks, I have thick skin and can take it."; in that case, I'll probably lay out everything I think they could do to improve. If I can tell they put in a valiant effort then I'll commend them for that and anything else I thought they did right. The thing is, unless the person says so in their post, there's no way of knowing what type of feedback they are looking for. And that is why I err on the side of caution because the last thing I want to do is stamp out a budding artist's enthusiasm or desire to draw.

Here I would think it is even more imperative to use judgement when posting support or critiques. Some people's self esteem can be very fragile, compound that with any potential depression they may be going through from dealing with trans issues and the wrong remark could push someone into a very dark place--something I certainly do not want to do. If I post comments of positive support here it's because I think they are needed, just because they don't point out a person's flaws doesn't make them any less sincere or genuine.

I can't speak as one who's been through the process since I'm just starting to go through it myself. I can say however that I have faith that I will be happy in the future. I'm sure there will be miserable times and hell to go through time and time again. But I know the journey will also be interlaced with moments of achievement, joy, peace, triumph, and yes happiness. I have already had such moments since I've started down this path. When I'm feeling down I look back on them and use them to fuel my determination to go forward. They are also what assure me that I am on the right path and that this is the way for me to finally be happy.

Maybe you're just having a down point and maybe not. But it feels to me that a lot of this is your frustration speaking. That's understandable considering what you are going though, hell, more like what you've probably gone through most of your life. It does get tiring. And sometimes, when you look in the mirror you just can't see yourself the way you want to be. But let me ask you, instead of looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself all the things you don't like, how often do you instead talk to yourself as a friend would? And I mean really have a genuine conversation with yourself. It may sound a little crazy but it isn't. I mean, how often do we criticize or perhaps even belittle ourselves? Is it not fair to give yourself some positive support too?

Just try it. Find some time alone in front of a mirror when you won't be interrupted. Imagine seeing yourself and knowing all the pain and frustration that person is going through. What would you want to tell yourself? Can you envision yourself holding their hand and saying something along these lines?
"Sierra, I know this sucks, I know it's hell and I don't understand why we are this way. But I know we will make it through it. I know there is a brighter future. It may get hard at times but I'll be right here holding your hand. You can count on me to be there for you through good times and bad--always. You are beautiful, I know sometimes you don't see it, but you are. For I see you as who you truly are and as who you can become. Don't give up hope. And this down spot, it'll pass, just like they have in the past--there will be brighter days in your future."

I'm just putting that out there as a starting point. The idea is to talk to yourself and tell that person what they need to hear. Be a friend to yourself and help them out of the rut they are in. I was challenged to do the same by my therapist a few weeks ago. I was struggling with self acceptance and had a lot of feelings of guilt and shame I was holding on to. I also still had lingering thoughts that I'd never be beautiful. She taught me why the guilt and shame were not mine. Then she challenged me to talk to myself, to release myself from the shame realizing that it didn't belong to me, but to those that would have me feel shame for being who I am. She challenged me to be a friend and support myself, having that real conversation with myself in the mirror.

When I did do it, it was a very poignant experience. I cried as I spilled out my feelings to myself. I was able to shrug off a lot of negative thoughts and feelings I'd been carrying around about myself. I was also able to motivate myself like no other person can.

Well hun, I hope you pull through your rut soon. *hugs*


Oh, and FWIW, looking at your face I think you'll make a very pretty girl. Just give the mones time to work their magic. Hell, you already read 'girl' to me in that pic.

And I didn't mean having the confidence boost to be a bad thing, but it seems sometimes like there is a very big lack of construction a lot of times, it feels like your fluffing up the good parts of someone's transition and hoping to just side step the bad parts that can be worked on. Not YOU or this site in particular, but I do find it happening.

I don't know, I honestly feel my father is a bad influence on my mindset.

There is alot of resources...
And your dysphoric....we all are.   We know what your saying ..

Best to do is pop girlie pills and hang on tight .  .
Six months later for me.  ..I see some light st the end

And I'm not fabricating happiness. ..coz I'm not always happy
But  I feel a little prettier.

And sometimes we meet other girls online and sort of
Think the same or same progress in transition

It's a tough on your psyche, for sure. I go through the same crap. I can see the flat bottom chin or the hanging mandible and hate myself for it. I've slipped around a good friend and mentioned my old name when damning myself. I know inside that I will never have the experiences that cis women have - getting pregnant, menstruating, growing up as a female, having a vagina (at the moment) and all the sexuality knowledge of that. I know I'll be comparing myself to cis women and how I'm different for the rest of my life probably. It sucks, bad.

It's taken a lot of realizing that most people do NOT see me as a guy, even when they know. I do know what a girl is treated like first hand - and I can recognize when somebody is treating me like a female as opposed to a freak. I'm almost never (if ever) treated like a freak. That does get me through the day and makes me a bit happier in being myself. However, I do realize I am lucky. I have lots of trans friends that tell me that all the time... and I listen to their daily stories and I personally do not think I could take being them, even the most financially secure ones.

BTW 95% is an extremely low number ... it's more like 99.9% that do not have to deal with the garbage we do internally. But - I'm way way way way way way way way way waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy happier than I was 2 years ago, before I started putting estrogen in my body. I'm also way way way way.... happier than I was a year ago, when I went full time.

Quote from: Sierra Belle on June 30, 2013, 11:05:37 PM
Each passing day I feel worse, I thought starting hormones would help... but then as I scout through different forums, different peoples "experiences." I can't help but notice, most support is fabricated, not genuine. There's nothing but beats around the bush.  People obtain happiness through this process... but I can't help but wonder, is it real?

It is real.  And it should be honest.  But you are not in the right mind to accept the critique, ten angels swearing it was so, would not make any difference.

QuoteOr just someone toning their brain to process a lie.  I see myself every day, of course I see a boy. It's what I've been all my life.  Despite my feelings, I've always been a boy to everyone around me and thus myself.  Being raised like such, I'll never get that back.

Your mind is conditioned to see the old you.  People around you are use to the old you.  You have 19 years of male socialization to overcome.  Sadly, not everyone can overcome those hurdles.  But, if you can , I believe you will be happier.

QuoteProblem 1.  I see my mirrors, a long face looks back with a gaping eye to mouth distance, that's not feminine. I don't care which female names you throw at me, Liv Tyler, sure. But in the end, it's still a heck of a lot smaller and more feminine than mine and 90% of males on this planet.  Where do you find clarity?

You are not alone.  Some of us will not feel good about ourselves until we throw off the visual vestiges of our T poisoning.  That's what FFS and other cosmetic surgeries are about.

QuoteI don't feel fine being a Grey gender. I don't take pride in being trans, in fact I wouldn't affiliate them if I didn't have the desire to boost my own confidence.  What gives? Why do I get to feel this way only to find out there is LITTLE help for me to be TRULY myself. Why do I have to feel this way, while 95% of the population goes along without this bother. Why do I have to feel like I'd rather die than continue to live as a man.

It is a regrettable fact that some 40% of us try to kill ourselves.  I guess that is one way of stopping the pain - transferring it to those who love you.  Not 95% though, more like 99.7%.  Our burden in very rare.  I have written before, I fought the feelings for decades before they nearly killed me.  You still have a lifetime of potential happiness in front of you.  That's more than a lot of us can say.  It's odd, I am graying now, and truly look forward to the day I can openly be myself, even if it is for just a few years.  I am going to send off photos for a vFFS consultation.  I'm nearly 40 years older than you.  I would kill to be your age again.  When I was your age, the knowledge base and options just weren't there.  I'll never have the opportunities you have now.  I'm the one who should be thinking about a bullet to the head, not you.

QuoteFurthermore, why do we lie to each other?  Who does it help?  You look great sweetie! Do they? Is that actually helping?  There are only few people I've seen on support forums who have legitimate responses, a great many have seemingly fabricated responses as a sort of confidence boost which in the end, might actually give them a WORSE reaction.  I just don't get this, I'm tired of feeling this way only to know in the end I'm just a man with estrogen. Oodles.

I'll give you my unvarnished opinion about your avatar (though I seem to remember a picture with a gigantic teddy bear).  You are early in the process.  Your face seems not to be strongly masculine.  If I were to gender you based on your picture, I'd say 70% boy, 30% girl.  You have features I really like, and some may improve with HRT.  You will have opportunities down the road for future decision points.

Could you pass someday?  Absolutely  Will it take some work?  Absolutely  The Blue Fairy is not going to appear at your window and touch you with her wand.  (And if she does, please let me in on the action.)  Since Sept 2011, I have had "WTF am I doing" moments constantly.  At the same time, I have the confidence that what I am doing is the best thing for me, given the circumstances.

Sorry if I came off harsh.  I did not mean to be.

Quote from: Jamie D on July 01, 2013, 03:49:23 AM
It is real.  And it should be honest.  But you are not in the right mind to accept the critique, ten angels swearing it was so, would not make any difference.

Your mind is conditioned to see the old you.  People around you are use to the old you.  You have 19 years of male socialization to overcome.  Sadly, not everyone can overcome those hurdles.  But, if you can , I believe you will be happier.

You are not alone.  Some of us will not feel good about ourselves until we throw off the visual vestiges of our T poisoning.  That's what FFS and other cosmetic surgeries are about.

It is a regrettable fact that some 40% of us try to kill ourselves.  I guess that is one way of stopping the pain - transferring it to those who love you.  Not 95% though, more like 99.7%.  Our burden in very rare.  I have written before, I fought the feelings for decades before they nearly killed me.  You still have a lifetime of potential happiness in front of you.  That's more than a lot of us can say.  It's odd, I am graying now, and truly look forward to the day I can openly be myself, even if it is for just a few years.  I am going to send off photos for a vFFS consultation.  I'm nearly 40 years older than you.  I would kill to be your age again.  When I was your age, the knowledge base and options just weren't there.  I'll never have the opportunities you have now.  I'm the one who should be thinking about a bullet to the head, not you.

I'll give you my unvarnished opinion about your avatar (though I seem to remember a picture with a gigantic teddy bear).  You are early in the process.  Your face seems not to be strongly masculine.  If I were to gender you based on your picture, I'd say 70% boy, 30% girl.  You have features I really like, and some may improve with HRT.  You will have opportunities down the road for future decision points.

Could you pass someday?  Absolutely  Will it take some work?  Absolutely  The Blue Fairy is not going to appear at your window and touch you with her wand.  (And if she does, please let me in on the action.)  Since Sept 2011, I have had "WTF am I doing" moments constantly.  At the same time, I have the confidence that what I am doing is the best thing for me, given the circumstances.

Sorry if I came off harsh.  I did not mean to be.

Believe me, that's not that harsh.  Harsh is being told by your father that this stuff is just an obsession, or pointing out the obviousness of the cons in being transexual.  Or talking discouraging words and swearing to himself that this isn't something I'm going to want for myself in 5 years and beyond.  Who pretends to know exactly what I'm feeling and claim that I am not transexual.  I'm at least grateful he says he supports it if it's what I end up doing, but he is definitely harsh in his oppositions.

Sometimes harshness is a good thing to knock a head straight. :x

Quote from: Sierra Belle on July 01, 2013, 04:17:29 AM
Believe me, that's not that harsh.  Harsh is being told by your father that this stuff is just an obsession, or pointing out the obviousness of the cons in being transsexual.  Or talking discouraging words and swearing to himself that this isn't something I'm going to want for myself in 5 years and beyond.  Who pretends to know exactly what I'm feeling and claim that I am not transsexual.  I'm at least grateful he says he supports it if it's what I end up doing, but he is definitely harsh in his oppositions.

Sometimes harshness is a good thing to knock a head straight. :x

I know how you are feeling, Sierra.  I really do.

There are obvious cons to our condition.  Transition - even a partial transition - can be hard.  But living with self-loathing can be harder.  We all just have to try and do our best.

You need to see your doctor and deal with your depression head on. If you're using a T blocker like Sprio it could be responsible for you depression. A little T is a good thing. Take care of this immediately.

Girl not liking stuff about yourself is so normal.  Almost every female I have ever talked to has at least two things about themselves they don't like. Now some of these can be changed and some can't.  Another part of this is after you change things or improve often times people will still find things about themselves that they don't like and want to change. I'm guilty of that one too, now as far as the commenting on people post and pics of how they look in regards to passing. I post if they look passable (passing to me sometimes means that I see people who are not attractive but still look like they pass) or if they look ok or cute. If they don't pass or they are not there yet I don't post and have nothin to say
But yeah your feelings are valid. People get those feelings in life and sometimes it gets better and goes away of you can learn to live with them. Sometimes not
^^hugs^^