Hi everyone. I found this site a week or two ago and figured I should probably stop lurking and actually join.

I was kinda hoping you guys would be able to help me with something. Sorry if this isn't appropriate for a first thread; I'm not really good at introductions.

I guess I'm a little confused about what I am. Like, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted a penis. When I was little, I didn't really know what it was that made guys different from girls, but my friend told me that the only difference was that boys sat on the potty backwards when they peed. So I started trying to do that. As I got older and learned more, I realized that what I wanted was a penis. Now I'm not sure I actually want to be a guy but I definitely want a penis. I've always kinda wished I could be both a guy and a girl.

I've always fought wearing girl's clothes (like girl's jeans and girly shirts and such) and felt more comfortable in guy's clothes, including underwear, but I also like wearing a dress every now and then. Growing up, I was very much a tomboy and enjoyed playing more with boy's toys while still enjoying playing with a lot of girl's toys. I've also always been very in to standing to pee. For years I would make my own STP devices out of various things I found around the house until I had a way to buy one online. I got a Whiz Freedom a couple years ago and love it. And a couple weeks ago, I bought an STP packer from Tranzwear. I absolutely love my packer. It just feels right.

So what do y'all think? Any ideas?

firstly, welcome

secondly, enjoy this time to explore yourself, perhaps set up a consult with a pscyhologist or psychiatrist to talk it through, no one can tell you what you are but you, but hey, at least here and talking to proffessionals youll get the help you need

i wish you luck on your journey, regardless of where it leads you

Thanks!

I have a therapist. Although, I've only had this one for a little over a month. I just don't feel comfortable talking about this with her. Nor with my case manager, whom I've had for several years. Unfortunately, the only person with whom I feel comfortable talking about this is my previous therapist, and she had to move. How exactly do I explore this? Sorry if that sounds dumb. = /

its not dumb at all and if youre feeling anything like i did when i was trying to sort it out, its all very scary! so dont panic and we will all help you through it


- is there a reason you dont like your new therapist? or is more that htey are new to you and you havent built the rapport yet?

Thanks. I appreciate that. It is kinda scary. And coming from a Southern Baptist upbringing, kinda, I dunno, conflicting?

It's not that I don't like her. She was actually my first case manager. It's just that, like you said, we haven't built that rapport yet. I guess it's also that I haven't talked about this with anyone I actually know yet. This is the first place I've brought it up. I'm terrified of reactions and judgement. I know I can never tell my mom about this for sure. I'm dying to talk this through with someone and process it, but I'm just scared.

well, id be worried if you werent scared

you might just have to bite the bullet and tell an actual person the rapport will come, it sucks you wont be able to tell your mother, but for the most part people wont even notice after a while (i blend in seemlessly these days, most of us do after a while) you might find that there wont be so much backlash

Haha that makes me feel better.

I do have one friend that is FTM. I want to talk to her about it, but I just don't know how to go about it. We dated for a little while and used to be really close, but we don't hang out much anymore. I have a hard time actually opening up and being honest with therapists. It took a good three years and a fairly significant crisis to open up to my last one. I like and trust my current therapist. I'm just one of those people that you really have to drag information out of, and my last one really knew how to do that. My mom will never accept me if I'm transgender. She still doesn't accept my brother being gay. She and my dad actually sent him to therapy for it when he was younger. My dad is really accepting, though.

Quote from: Lizerina on July 01, 2013, 11:12:59 AM
I've always kinda wished I could be both a guy and a girl.

You may want to check out the androgyne section of this site to further explore those feelings (though you can obviously still post in the FTM section if you want). Not everyone identifies as "100% male" or "100% female".

Quote from: Lizerina on July 01, 2013, 09:16:10 PM

I do have one friend that is FTM. I want to talk to her about it, but I just don't know how to go about it.

If your friend is FTM, then your friend is "he/him" not "she/her."

Yeah, I just discovered that section last night.

Sorry. I'm a little fuzzy on that since (s)he still lives mainly as a woman.

EDIT/UPDATE: After checking out the Androgyn section, I feel like it answered a lot. I read through a good bit of the Shedding Some Light thread, and it made me realize that I definitely identify as androgyn. I know this seems kinda like a quick decision, but most of what people were saying described what I've always felt. It made me feel understood. Thanks, guys!

QuoteI guess I'm a little confused about what I am. Like, for as long as I can remember, I've wanted a penis. When I was little, I didn't really know what it was that made guys different from girls, but my friend told me that the only difference was that boys sat on the potty backwards when they peed. So I started trying to do that. As I got older and learned more, I realized that what I wanted was a penis. Now I'm not sure I actually want to be a guy but I definitely want a penis. I've always kinda wished I could be both a guy and a girl.

I went through this sort of thing when I first started my long and winding road towards transition. I even tried the whole peeing backwards thing and found a way to stand and go when I was a kid. I quit doing it when I was around 11 or 12 for some reason and didn't explore it again until I was in my 20s. I used a medicine spoon with the end cut off for a while. Then I made a ghetto packer from some medical grade tubing I swiped from work + a silicon suction device from a breast pump that I bought at a yard sale. That worked for awhile but was really difficult to keep clean and I threw it out after the suction device cracked.

I never did take my devices in public and I've only recently began to explore the possibility of buying an STP device. Right now, my living situation (rooming with sister and niece, can't risk getting caught standing or having my device found on accident) is preventing me from packing and standing.

And yes, I think most (but not all) ftms and some (but not all) female bodied androgynes go through what you are describing. Wanting a penis is normative for most of us ftms. Penis=masculine=man. It's the defining feature of manhood, imo. (Your mileage may vary in that department)

Quote from: zombieinc on July 02, 2013, 12:56:17 PM
I went through this sort of thing when I first started my long and winding road towards transition. I even tried the whole peeing backwards thing and found a way to stand and go when I was a kid. I quit doing it when I was around 11 or 12 for some reason and didn't explore it again until I was in my 20s. I used a medicine spoon with the end cut off for a while. Then I made a ghetto packer from some medical grade tubing I swiped from work + a silicon suction device from a breast pump that I bought at a yard sale. That worked for awhile but was really difficult to keep clean and I threw it out after the suction device cracked.

I never did take my devices in public and I've only recently began to explore the possibility of buying an STP device. Right now, my living situation (rooming with sister and niece, can't risk getting caught standing or having my device found on accident) is preventing me from packing and standing.

And yes, I think most (but not all) ftms and some (but not all) female bodied androgynes go through what you are describing. Wanting a penis is normative for most of us ftms. Penis=masculine=man. It's the defining feature of manhood, imo. (Your mileage may vary in that department)

Out of curiosity, how did you manage to find a way to pee while standing when you were a kid? I know there's at least one way, but I was never able to master it. Haha.

If you camp or hike much, you could buy an STP without a packer and use that as an excuse. I know it's not the same, but it's something. And it's the excuse I used after I got mine. Although, now, my family pretty much stays out of my room and gives me my privacy, so there's very little chance of someone finding my STP packer.

Every now and then, when I was growing up, I would stuff balls or playdough or pretty much anything else I could find down my pants to try and mimik a penis. For a while, I thought I just had some sort of penis envy or something. This makes a lot more sense, though.

What do you mean by my mileage may vary in that department? Sorry, I'm pretty literal minded so I don't always get expressions and such.

Quote from: Lizerina on July 02, 2013, 09:20:49 AM

Sorry. I'm a little fuzzy on that since (s)he still lives mainly as a woman.

It doesn't matter. If you know your friend is FTM, don't go around using female pronouns, and don't do the (s)he thing as if you couldn't possibly decide whether he's a male or not. That's totally disrespectful and insulting. Look at where you're posting. We're men here. Just because some of us may not look physically male doesn't make us any less male.

Sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm still learning.

Quote from: dreaming.forever on July 02, 2013, 05:57:18 PM
It doesn't matter. If you know your friend is FTM, don't go around using female pronouns, and don't do the (s)he thing as if you couldn't possibly decide whether he's a male or not. That's totally disrespectful and insulting. Look at where you're posting. We're men here. Just because some of us may not look physically male doesn't make us any less male.

jeez.. calm your farm, it was an accident, he's not out to get you or anyone else and he's already apologised.

Welcome to Susan's, Lizerina! Side note: If you're unsure of what pronouns a person takes (or wants to take), using they/them is a good way to get around it. Though I'd think an FTM would prefer male ones XD

Anyway, I'd suggest working on discussing your situation with your current therapist, and after doing so maybe try coming out to your dad. Also you never know with people, sometimes a devoutly religious homophobe can be readily accepting of their child being trans. Your judgment of being androgyne does seem hasty, not that I doubt you but I'd give that time to play around with in order to be certain and figure out exactly what you want. Good luck!

Thanks, Geek. = ]

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on July 03, 2013, 12:13:30 AM
Welcome to Susan's, Lizerina! Side note: If you're unsure of what pronouns a person takes (or wants to take), using they/them is a good way to get around it. Though I'd think an FTM would prefer male ones XD

Anyway, I'd suggest working on discussing your situation with your current therapist, and after doing so maybe try coming out to your dad. Also you never know with people, sometimes a devoutly religious homophobe can be readily accepting of their child being trans. Your judgment of being androgyne does seem hasty, not that I doubt you but I'd give that time to play around with in order to be certain and figure out exactly what you want. Good luck!

Thanks. I'll work on using the right pronouns.

I'll try. It's just hard. I think I'll probably talk to my brother before I talk to my dad. We've always had a really good relationship. My mom always fought me on wearing guy clothes. It wasn't until a couple years ago that she just kinda gave up and let me wear what I want. Yeah, I know it does seem kinda hasty, but it just seems to fit. So much of what people were saying is pretty much how I've always felt. I don't think I should adopt the term just yet, though. I should probably learn more about all the different terms and definitions, huh?

QuoteOut of curiosity, how did you manage to find a way to pee while standing when you were a kid? I know there's at least one way, but I was never able to master it. Haha.

If you camp or hike much, you could buy an STP without a packer and use that as an excuse. I know it's not the same, but it's something. And it's the excuse I used after I got mine. Although, now, my family pretty much stays out of my room and gives me my privacy, so there's very little chance of someone finding my STP packer.

Every now and then, when I was growing up, I would stuff balls or playdough or pretty much anything else I could find down my pants to try and mimik a penis. For a while, I thought I just had some sort of penis envy or something. This makes a lot more sense, though.

What do you mean by my mileage may vary in that department? Sorry, I'm pretty literal minded so I don't always get expressions and such.

It's hard to explain. I'm sure there has to be a video or a how to somewhere on the web that details the exact process. Sometimes I was lazy and would just get a footstool and stand above the toilet. 

I just don't want the burden having to be concerned with them finding it "on accident". My sister is a snoop, big time.  Plus I still use women's facilities at work, school, gym, etc. So it would be kind of awkward for me to pack and stand during those times.

Have you seen the movie "Tomboy"? It's in French, so there are subtitles, but basically, it is about a girl who is trying to pass as a boy. She gets invited to go swimming and decides to make a penis out of playdough to go inside of her homemade Speedo-style trunks.

It does make sense that female-bodied people who identify as male would try to find ways to mimic the parts they don't have, but feel they should. I did they same for awhile as a kid. Socks, pencils, markers, a jump rope handle, a rook from a chess set...all of them become stand-in penises for me as a kid. I didn't think anything about it and neither did my mom, apparently. I also drew chest hair and mustaches on myself.

Your Mileage May Vary is just a way of saying "Depending on various things, you may or may not agree with what I just said." Or something like that. I've spent far too much time on forums over the years, so I've picked up a lot internet speak like that.

Quote from: zombieinc on July 04, 2013, 01:57:02 PM
It's hard to explain. I'm sure there has to be a video or a how to somewhere on the web that details the exact process. Sometimes I was lazy and would just get a footstool and stand above the toilet. 

I just don't want the burden having to be concerned with them finding it "on accident". My sister is a snoop, big time.  Plus I still use women's facilities at work, school, gym, etc. So it would be kind of awkward for me to pack and stand during those times.

Have you seen the movie "Tomboy"? It's in French, so there are subtitles, but basically, it is about a girl who is trying to pass as a boy. She gets invited to go swimming and decides to make a penis out of playdough to go inside of her homemade Speedo-style trunks.

It does make sense that female-bodied people who identify as male would try to find ways to mimic the parts they don't have, but feel they should. I did they same for awhile as a kid. Socks, pencils, markers, a jump rope handle, a rook from a chess set...all of them become stand-in penises for me as a kid. I didn't think anything about it and neither did my mom, apparently. I also drew chest hair and mustaches on myself.

Your Mileage May Vary is just a way of saying "Depending on various things, you may or may not agree with what I just said." Or something like that. I've spent far too much time on forums over the years, so I've picked up a lot internet speak like that.

Haha probably in that weird part of YouTube. = P

Tomboy is actually in my Netflix queue. It looks pretty good. I have a hard time with movies with subtitles sometimes, so I've been putting it off a bit. But I don't have much going on this summer so I'll probably sit down and watch it soon.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one! Can't say I've tried using a chess piece, though. Socks, playdough, and tennis balls were my go tos. I've never been a personal fan of body hair. I always said that if I ever got a husband, I would make him shave...everything. Haha.

Thanks for explaining that. I guess I can kinda understand that. Like how the mileage on a car is different for everyone, and even if it's the same number as another car, it's still gone different places.

QuoteHaha probably in that weird part of YouTube. = P

Tomboy is actually in my Netflix queue. It looks pretty good. I have a hard time with movies with subtitles sometimes, so I've been putting it off a bit. But I don't have much going on this summer so I'll probably sit down and watch it soon.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one! Can't say I've tried using a chess piece, though. Socks, playdough, and tennis balls were my go tos. I've never been a personal fan of body hair. I always said that if I ever got a husband, I would make him shave...everything. Haha.

Thanks for explaining that. I guess I can kinda understand that. Like how the mileage on a car is different for everyone, and even if it's the same number as another car, it's still gone different places.

Youtube is always a good place to look for the weirdness. I've spent a fair amount of time poking around those dark youtube-ian spaces in my day.

Tomboy is an excellent movie, imo. I watch a lot of subbed stuff, so I'm ok with subtitles. The story is easy to follow and it's a pretty true-to-life sort of movie. The main characters are all kids, ranging from 5-12. The lead character, Laure/Mikal, is probably about 10 or 11. It cut me like a knife to watch some parts of the movie because I identified so much with many of things Laure/Mikal went through. Also because the mother was kind of a jerk and there is some obvious kiddie romance stuff in there that just made me go back to middle school. The movie is very well-done and I like that all of the kid characters are real. In fact, most of them were first-timers who had never done any acting before. Some scenes are clearly just them playing around, goofing off, hanging out, etc. It's the only movie I've seen that even touches on issues specific to trans or gq or questioning kids.

I'm not grossed out by body hair. I have a ton of it, so I guessed I've learned not to let it bother me over the years, lol. The things that bother me is not the hair, but the ingrown hairs. Jebus, I get a lot of them and they suck. A lot. Shaving my body hair is a real pain in the ass, so I'm glad that my previous partners were ok with me being hairy. No love could make me endure the hardships of universal, new growth itchiness.

Glad to clear up the whole YMMV thing.

Quote from: dreaming.forever on July 02, 2013, 05:57:18 PM
It doesn't matter. If you know your friend is FTM, don't go around using female pronouns, and don't do the (s)he thing as if you couldn't possibly decide whether he's a male or not. That's totally disrespectful and insulting. Look at where you're posting. We're men here. Just because some of us may not look physically male doesn't make us any less male.

I have an FTM friend who came out about four years ago and is still living as a woman. He asked me to use female pronouns to refer to him in public--I could do whatever I wanted in other situations, as long as I wasn't talking to anyone he knew who didn't know he was trans. So online, I call him "he."

But here's the thing. He did say that if I found it too confusing to use one pronoun when I'm with him and another when I'm not, I could just use female pronouns all the time--he wouldn't mind. Better that than an embarrassing situation in person. So it would be perfectly fine for me to call him "she."

I have also run into a couple of FTMs who weren't fully comfortable yet with the male pronouns and who went by female pronouns for a while. Their call.

Until you know the full circumstances, you cannot accurately judge. I understand your impulse, but it's best to ask questions than to instantly jump down someone's throat.