Hey everybody, I'm kinda new here, just wrote an intro the other day. With a (thankfully) semi-supportive wife, and an attitude of not really giving a crap about most folks' opinions, I feel I'm in a pretty good place about a MTF transition. But I do have a (very cool and loving) teenage son who will be understandably confused about all this. Does anyone have any advice about letting him know without it being a bombshell?

He's caught the usual clues already -- web pages open to trans issues, a dad who seems oddly knowledgable about mom's fashion and styling. I also helped produce a documentary about a Latina transgender beauty pageant, so he knows about trans stuff -- just not that his father has some big changes ahead. And his age is so fraught with self-consciousness that I know it's going to be a tough ride for him.

I thought about leaving a book around (I'm reading the excellent The Transgender Guidebook by Annie Boedecker), but thought that was kind of a cowardly way to go about it. Anyone have any ideas? Thanks in advance.

Polly

I suppose you know better than anyone, what he is like and how he will respond. Its hard to give advice without knowing that. How was he with the other signs?

It also depends when the changes you are talking about are planned to occur. If you have time, you make sure you normalise it a bit more for him by exposure to positive examples of trans people/life/etc (erm, role models isn't quite the phrasing I was looking for, but you get the idea).

The more natural and calm you are about it, the more natural and calm he will be.

Good luck x

Thanks for the perspective and the great advice about normalizing. He was okay with the other signs (I'm an artist and a proud non-conformist -- he once jokingly called me 'the perviest perv of all pervs'), but probably not if I present in a mostly feminine way.

I think I just need to have the old-fashioned 'talk' with him. He'll hate it at first, then see how important it is to me, and then we'll be friends again. But he's at that adolescent stage where everything a parent does is an embarrassment -- and that's without a gender switch!

I just hate that initial cold water splash of Bad News, followed by the days after of bad tempers. But I guess I need to do it ...

I'd say just treat it like taking off a band-aid and get it over with. It seems like he is knowledgeable about trans stuff and even though it will probably be a little weird for him at first, he'll get over it and y'all will be fine. Just make sure he understands what is happening and when he asks weird questions, be patient with him. Good luck!

Wow, that's really good advice, you guys. I know in my bones that what you're saying is true, but sometimes you have to hear it from someone else ...

Thank you for sharing your insights! And Akira, I'll be allowed to send messages soon (I'm still under the 15 post mark) ...

My eldest son at age 16 accepts and understand my crossdressing the same way as other adults do. My second son at age 14 is  just nervous if his mates would tease him after they once see me. My little daughter at age 9 does not yet comprehend the meaning of my crossdressing, but she scolds me in fun when she sees photos of my wearing skirt and makeup. She says she heard that her mates first thought I may be her mom.

Nowadays, my eldest son says in fun like "We should acknowledge and accept the diversity of people, including the unusual person like my dad." 

All of my kids are very active, outgoing and optimistic.

barbie~~

Barbie --

Good to hear your family is well. Yes, it's all about the teasing, it seems. Kids can be cruel to each other. My wife is asking me to put on the brakes until my son is off to college (3 years) but I'm not sure. It seems you can wait and analyze for forever and find a thousand reasons to hold off, or just do it. I'm sort of in the latter category, I think (within limits, of course).

I wouldn't leave a book around for him to read.  I think you need to discuss this with him in person.  He's your son.  Certainly he is going to want to hear it from you.  Every situation is different, but I think there is only one way to go about it with your child.  I wish you a lot of luck.  Having said that, it seems like you are in a good position since he is already informed about the transgender community. 

LTL: Yeah, I see that. It would have been the coward's way out (something I'm somewhat familiar with, sadly).

I am in a good position, which is like wind at my back. If I weren't in this semi-hospitable situation, I'm not sure what I would do ...

Thank you all for your insight!

Quote from: Polly184 on July 04, 2013, 02:18:13 PM
LTL: Yeah, I see that. It would have been the coward's way out (something I'm somewhat familiar with, sadly).

I am in a good position, which is like wind at my back. If I weren't in this semi-hospitable situation, I'm not sure what I would do ...

Thank you all for your insight!

Polly,

In my case, even without talking with my kids, they eventually comprehend why I wear women's clothes and sometimes makeup. If your son knows that you love him and will sustain your family, then no serious problem. What you do is far more important than what you say. Crossdressing can be a kind of hobby. If you are going for HRT, then I guess you need some serious talking with your family members.

barbie~~

Hey Barbie --

Yeah, I think I'm going the full schlemiel, it's not the clothes but the body I'm pursuing ... I will have a talk with him, and thankfully he's pretty sane and grounded and this won't ruin his world. It helps that I have been a 'wacky' dad and pretty out there this whole time, so HRT would be just another in a long line of 'dad's weird life.'

This is a big and life-changing move, but I'm taking baby steps to not do something I regret, with myself and my family ...

Thanks for your thoughts!

Quote from: learningtolive on July 04, 2013, 01:34:52 PM
I wouldn't leave a book around for him to read.  I think you need to discuss this with him in person.  He's your son.  Certainly he is going to want to hear it from you.  Every situation is different, but I think there is only one way to go about it with your child.  I wish you a lot of luck.  Having said that, it seems like you are in a good position since he is already informed about the transgender community.

Obviously every situation is different; but I do think the above is pretty good advice.  With my own daughter I went back and forth on how to handle it, she already had plenty of the puzzle pieces - I wore a lot of feminin-ish type clothing, had long since swapped my wallet out for a small purse (wristlet?), etc.  One evening when her step-mom was at work and it was just the two of us, we made dinner together (she does like to cook) and that was the topic of discussion while we cooked/ate.  Truth be told, it didn't bother her in the least - if anything it's worked out well for her since I let her borrow jewelry and in some cases clothes since we're close in size. 

Polly,
  I also have the 'talk' to look forward to. My children are a bit older, 24 and 19, but both live at home. My wife wants me to figure stuff out a little more before telling them. We can only hope we have instilled the values of acceptance and tolerance in them, so that they will accept me for me. I do plan on allowing them the freedom to tell whomever they want so that they can get support from their friends. I will also for period of time tell them that they can restrict my dressing to when their friends are not coming over. This will give them a chance to get used to it on their own before they have to deal with peer pressure and teasing. But they will also know that it will be for a short period of time, then I will dress whenever and wherever I deem appropriate.

Christy.

Christy --

It's a tough one, but it's good that your kids are a bit older and less susceptible to peer pressure and all that. A book I read recently on the topic mentioned that children over 18 years of age are usually much more concerned with themselves, rather than their parents, for better or worse.

I'm like you in the fact that if I'm out, I'm out. I can't live with the toxic shame of hiding or living two lives. That's definitely not for me ... it also sends the wrong message, I think, to our children -- that hiding and secrets and being ashamed of yourself are okay. I refuse to be ashamed of who I am ...

Madison - funny! Cooking heals all wounds! A perfect way to have a conversation. In my neck of the woods we go hiking a lot. which is also good for long talks ...

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. All you can do.

Hey Bookworm, I hear what you're saying, but thankfully it's not quite that gloomy around here. I believe that if you've raised your child with love and respect, those qualities will be returned to you. And I have, so I've got a little emotional capital/good karma to play with. Good vibes, FTW!

Well that is good