So, a guy I lived with for four years, who always said he wanted to spend his life with me recently broke my heart. IDK why i'm still crying over him because imo he was a user who took advantage of me.

Well I got to thinking and was wondering about others experience, if they are similar to mine. Well, I dated around, and after meeting mostly pervs who saw me as a fetish, I find a guy who "accepts" me for who I am not whats down there. Well because of this I put everything I have into this guy. I had almost 2k saved towards surgery over a year ago, but I look around and realized I don't have any money now, but a lot of debt because of how much I put into things.

I had paid for everything for us, did everything *cooked, cleaned, laundry, ect.* all he did was sit around playing video games and his pay check went to his car. But I still did it, and the only thing I can think of why is because I was so desperate to keep someone who "accepted" me. But after he had a buddy let him move in and mooch off of him, all of the sudden he wants to break up because he just "wants to be single for a bit" and apparently I was selfish because I'm not understanding of his feelings because I asked him to stop playing so many games and get a job worth a dang, and be there for me when I need him.

Well, i'm just wondering, is it just me, or do other people in the trans community give it their all no matter what just to feel they have someone who accepts them? I wasn't sure where to post this so I chose here because its not only me ranting and letting me get my feelings out instead of crying, but its also a trans subject. I'm wondering if its just a human thing, or is it feeling desperate not to lose someone who does accept me.

Most people get used at some point in their lives. Some people have a pattern, where it happens repeatedly. In my experience, those are people who don't believe they are ok without someone to love them. Predators seek out people with needs like that.

The cure is to value yourself as an independent person. If you feel you don't need someone, you will be quicker to cast someone away when they start taking advantage of you.

Yup. All girls go through this at some point. I know I did and it was no fun, but I will admit I'm like him right now and want to have fun . Maybe you could just have some fun for a while going on dates to get over him? It does help

It might be a human thing? I feel like my mom has been through this a bunch...

I had a guy friend (I don't even want to call him a BF since we were strictly LD and I never met him) who took advantage of me because he got off on mind games and was a pathological liar. I broke it off with him after way too long, he wanted to stay friends... until I told him I was kinky and then that was the last I heard. Literally; I told him over IM and I think he blocked me afterward.

Some guys are just effing pricks who feel entitled to the time, energy, money of whoever they want.

Kaide, you are beautiful and sound sweat and caring. Relationships, that are healthy, need equal input from both persons. if it is  99% one way then it is not a sharing loving committed relationship. I get the sense you would still be in the relationship if he did not leave. I think it is human nature for some people to not value and use others but not in a healthy loving relationship. Trans* people are extraordinary and I find myself very willing to do most anything to keep those who are close to me. I am hypersensitive to the potential of loss I over compensate and sacrifice, to my own detriment. So I exhibit very similar behavior that you described.

There is but one person for me and I am bound heart and soul to that person. I am trans, do not like others touching me or seeing my body. I am very shy and timid around most people. I love to watch people, mostly women and wish. I have been for the past 7 months actively disclosing and being myself. I will have but one person and one person only ever get close to me intimately. I do this for the other person. We have a very caring and sharing relationship and there is much we do for each other, yet not 50-50.   

I know you loved the other person; however, this is an opportunity to find love that is more equally shared. Perhaps his selfishness saved you from overcompensating for his love.

It's a human thing, though it is more common in people with low self esteem as Suzi pointed out. A lot of times trans people feel unworthy and like they have to take what they can get and hold on for dear life. But plenty of cis people are like this too.

Stop feeling you have to settle just because you're trans! You're a good looking woman. You need to date like a confident cis woman. Every woman has to weed out the bums.

You should really take this to heart sweetie:

Thanks. Yeah I suppose it is just human nature to want someone. what I really want was for him to step up, others have said that maybe he'll look around and see what he's lost and actually step up. At this point I do want him still, but at the same time I don't want him to hurt me again. So if he did ever grow up and approach me again, then i'd have to do a lot of thinking.

But right now i'm just keeping distance, let him do his thing and i'll do mine. If its meant to be then he'll step up and we'll try again. If not then oh well i'm sure there are others out there. I was just really upset and wanted to get it out to people similar to me, friends help, but they can't fully understand since there is more to it than just him.

I did think for a while it was something with me, but after calming down and really thinking about it, yes I made mistakes in the relationship, but I made them because I put effort into it, he didn't make many because you can't if you don't put yourself in the relationship.

As far as low self esteem goes, I know I have that issue. I grew up in a southern baptist family, my uncle is the preacher actually, so most of my family disowned me when I needed them the most. I think that's why I feel the need to be accepted and wanted.

But, if he does ever approach me again, like he's mentioned, i'm definitely not going to unless he has his life together and has a real job and his own place. I already have this, so I think I need to start expecting that. I can live on my own *proven it to myself by supporting us by myself* but I think i'll move in with my little brother because I can save money.

Thanks, I appreciate the replies. I feel a lot better today, so i'll eventually get over it and stop crying about it.

I have no idea why, but I am just like you, I have never found a singe person in my life that has wanted to do anything but use me.

in a relationship or friendship, this go as far as in any dating, simple date, online, long term and even room mates every single person I have met has pumped me dry used me up and dumped me. I don't know if it is due to me being trans or not

I've never personally lived through something like that, and you have my sympathies.

But all the women I've known who did something similar (hook up with a guy who basically used them and sat around on his ass, while using emotional manipulation like "you'd be lucky to find another guy willing to put up with you") were cis. I think it's a human thing, or possibly a "way women are trained by society to be caretakers and ignore their own needs" thing.

Hi,

Whos the boss whos the bread winner who get's off thier backside & does most of what needs to be done the one who is worth something okay im a bit older at allmost 66 yes iv been used & i have writen off those lose's to the tune of over 10,000 $. tough its gone , i wonder why some people are blantent lie'ers  well some are i know what its like,

yes you can put a lot in to a friendship. i have, many times,  just im not going to let it get myself down , why should i so they can gloat , not happening, im stronger than them yes they got what they wont , ill just leave it to what goes round comes around theyll get thier due reward .

Sad to  say  it seems to be a part of life  for others to do what they do with out a care,

heres the deal learn from it grow as a person be stronger just done get hard or as said dont harden your heart , because youll miss out on whats ment for you. trust me i know from years of being kicked . you know what ,im where i am because i have a love for others  im where i need to be my life has meaning so dont ever ever lose sight of that no matter whats thrown at you,

just trust your self with this yes its a lose just dont let it make you bitter,  write it off against learning to live,

You are to draw up the boundy's you say what needs to happen your digs then you run the ship as you see fit, if any one gets invited again , just remember you are the one in charge & you call the tune, if they dont like it then dont have that friendship, its a two way not one way only.

whats the saying let your heart flutter or you use your mind & do whats best for you,  thats it think with your heart or think with your head. im were i am now because i used my head , so can you.
  Realy sorry you got done over its not nice,

...noeleena...

When you want to be accepted and loved so badly, you turn a blind eye to everything else. Been there, done that.

I made so many excuses to myself about the way I was feeling and the way he was behaving. Every time I tried to question, debate or challenge, he shot down my opinions and then started sulking and suddenly his bad mood was my fault because I had been 'having a go at him'. He ridiculed by beliefs and my opinions and I LET HIM because I was so desperate to have someone in my life that I thought needed me.

He didn't need me. He just needed someone to give him sex when he wanted and listen to him moan about his work. I don't think he really knew me at all.

I think now I've come to a point where I'm ok being by myself. Yes, I get lonely sometimes. But I don't feel like I need anyone, and so I hope that I wouldn't find myself slipping back into that kind of relationship.

I do think it's about self-worth and wanting to feel wanted. And some people (not just men) are really good at preying on that and taking advantage. Most of the time I think they do it without really realising. I know it's esay for people to say 'you need to love yourself first!' but obviously it's not something that can just happen. It took me years to realise that I didn't need a partner to feel complete and the acceptance and love of my friends and family was enough for me. And I still hope that I'll find that special someone one day, but I certainly won't be sacrificing who I am or letting them take advantage like that again.

Thanks again.

It didn't help that a trans-woman, someone my aunt knew said some bad things. She has had previous experiences so my aunt thought I could have someone to talk to. Well, she pretty much told me get used to it because that's all trans-women are nothing but fetish sex objects for men to use. And to stop wasting my time looking for someone and just accept it and either just sleep around or never date anyone.

So yeah. I thought that was a pretty cold hearted way to view things.

Quote from: kaide on July 08, 2013, 03:48:45 PM
Well, she pretty much told me get used to it because that's all trans-women are nothing but fetish sex objects for men to use.

Well, not all trans women spout pearls of wisdom. There are bitter, burnt out ones among us too.

Quote from: kaide on July 08, 2013, 03:48:45 PM
Thanks again.

It didn't help that a trans-woman, someone my aunt knew said some bad things. She has had previous experiences so my aunt thought I could have someone to talk to. Well, she pretty much told me get used to it because that's all trans-women are nothing but fetish sex objects for men to use. And to stop wasting my time looking for someone and just accept it and either just sleep around or never date anyone.

So yeah. I thought that was a pretty cold hearted way to view things.

Not true. I can honestly tell you that there's someone out there for everyone. You just have to keep on looking at your own pace and when you least expect it shazaam.. That's when it happens

Definitely a human thing, although we may be more prone to it. My mother does this all the time.

Quote from: kaide on July 08, 2013, 03:48:45 PM
Thanks again.

It didn't help that a trans-woman, someone my aunt knew said some bad things. She has had previous experiences so my aunt thought I could have someone to talk to. Well, she pretty much told me get used to it because that's all trans-women are nothing but fetish sex objects for men to use. And to stop wasting my time looking for someone and just accept it and either just sleep around or never date anyone.

So yeah. I thought that was a pretty cold hearted way to view things.

Kaide,

I'm sorry that you received such poor advice.  No one deserves to be abused and used.  It's true that there are guys out there like that, but you don't need to settle for those sorts.  I would say this is a human thing that transwomen face as well.  We are no exception but that doesn't mean its more prevalent in our community.  However, it is more difficult, though totally possible, to find an understanding guy out there  in my opinion.

Quote from: kaide on July 08, 2013, 03:48:45 PM
Thanks again.

It didn't help that a trans-woman, someone my aunt knew said some bad things. She has had previous experiences so my aunt thought I could have someone to talk to. Well, she pretty much told me get used to it because that's all trans-women are nothing but fetish sex objects for men to use. And to stop wasting my time looking for someone and just accept it and either just sleep around or never date anyone.

So yeah. I thought that was a pretty cold hearted way to view things.

Actually this is where I am,  where I live this is pretty much true, even worse I am attracted to women and lesbians would if ever only wont me post-op which I doubt will ever happen to ti financial concerns. I am alone for the rest of my life.

I would also agree it's just a human thing. Before I even knew what transgender was, I still had dysphoria and such but could not put words to it and assumed I was just female with low self esteem, I had the same problem of being used over and over, and abused as well. I gave my all because I thought that is just what you did in a relationship. I also was told I could not do any better, that I deserved to be treated as a lesser being by my father.