Due to past experiences, I'm a bit...brusque with therapists when I first meet them. I have a lot of anger issues due to the environment in which I was raised.
Anyway.

Another issue I have is due to past abuse, I tend to back down whenever an authority figures suggest something so I just say "okay" and back off instead of speaking up and saying "ACTUALLY, it's this-that-and-the-other-thing"

Is there a way I can get over this? I was thinking of writing her a note to bring in with me because sometimes I articulate better in writing but I didn't want to seem stand-offish or weird or anything with her ;; It's all very stressful for me because I have issues with new people and anxiety and I'm not sure what to do

Sorry that turned into some sort of unintelligible ramble

Well therapists should be mature enough to handle this. Not saying they are, necessarily.

I see a trans guy who I don't really see as an "authority figure". Perhaps a younger therapist who you are more similar in age to? The whole therapist as "authority figure" seems odd to me. Of course, they should have "authority' in that they should know what they are doing, and there is a certain authority to this. But they should make you feel comfortable and free in talking.

--Jay

That's the thing, though. She is close to my age, from what I know about her.
It's not -her- that's a problem, it's -me-. I have a hard time speaking up. If I think it's anyone "above" me (teachers, doctors, therapists, older friends, etc), my brain automatically registers knowing them as more knowledgeable or something. While I know that's not something that's necessarily makes sense or is true at all, it still ... I dunno.

Basically, it's hard for me to speak to anyone face to face that aren't my closest friends. I don't really trust people. I know a therapist is someone you're supposed to trust, but the last one I had was the only one I liked and I was pretty much an ->-bleeped-<- to her the first month I went there. Unfortunately, she's 30+ minutes away now so I have to adjust to a new therapist and re-do everything because now I'm going for gender therapy, along with some other fun mental health issues.

Absolutely nothing wrong with writing stuff down and giving that to your therapist!

Good idea!

A good therapist knows you are having issues and wants to help, by helping them by dealing with the problem you are demonstrating you understand the problem.

That is a big break through!!!!

Be proud of it!!!

Cindy

Note sounds like a really good idea to me too.  The important thing is to be truthful so they can help... how that happens can vary,
I picture the traditional therapy couch working for you... where the therapist is out of your line of sight.  A good therapist will be able to come at you as an equal, not an authority figure.
Mine uses a beaten up old sofa, and I find myself looking away a lot.  Shes this guiding presence in the room, rather than a person per se.
Hope that helps.

I bring in notes all the time to my therapist. The way my brain is wired I jump around a lot during the weeks and write things down in a journal I keep in my computer. I then print off two copies before I go, and give her one at the start of the session.  We don't always follow it, but it helps me address issues I have instead of forgetting them. I don't feel weird at all about doing it. The way I look at is I am the one driving it, so it is my session, and we can focus on me and the things I think are important in a way that works for me Maybe that is selfish, right? Whatever. She is working to support me...not the other way around.

Lol, yeah she is getting paid, it ME time!!!



I actually took in some photos to my therapist.  She said she was skeptical at first that they would be any help, but they showed me with my college friends and girlfriends... the body language was obvious, and she said they actually where very useful.  No connection to guys, awkwardness except when dealing with females... feminine body language around girls, stiff, awkward hunching around boys... so on, so forth.

Its all communication , it all helps.


So is the anger constant or does it boil up when you interact with people.?    You see, I realise now I used to go into 'fight ot flight' mode  when guys opposed me or tried a pissing contest... anger just exploded.  It was my female mind feeling sexually threatened.  I now keep further back when enguaging male staff, and turn away slightly... I dont have that anger problem now.  I can handle it, but cannot wait to trans so they dont front up the same way.  Absolutely no problem confronting females... not because I am bigger then them, but I dont get that fear. 

Cindy - thanks ^^

Emmaline - I don't think photos of me would help. Perhaps unless it was the lack thereof; I didn't really like my picture taken. I always hid behind the camera instead. I kind of hate pictures of myself, and especially mirrors, always have. Maybe I should bring that up too.
The anger is pretty much me going into preemptive defense mode. I've had people tell me all my life I'm "confused" and "messed up in the head" and "need medication" on more than one occasion (and sometimes all three things in the same conversation) pertaining to several different things I thought I could trust people with revealing. So, it's me basically waiting for my therapist to disappoint me. My last local therapist called something I was diagnosed with "delusions" and "auditory hallucinations" and that sent me straight back into depression. So, I guess it's me waiting for this one to disappoint me.

Antonia - I jump around a lot too. I'm basically going to be writing her an essay. She wanted me to focus on "goals" for myself and I have a ridiculously hard time making goals. And yeah, that's what my best friend said, I'm driving therapy, so it should go where I want it to turn. I'm trying but it's difficult for me. So many of my friends are laid back and have no anxiety issues at all or have been able to ignore them if they need to and I don't really have that luxury @.@

Quote from: Rin on July 10, 2013, 07:33:04 AM
Cindy - thanks ^^

Emmaline - I don't think photos of me would help. Perhaps unless it was the lack thereof; I didn't really like my picture taken. I always hid behind the camera instead. I kind of hate pictures of myself, and especially mirrors, always have. Maybe I should bring that up too.

Oh definately... me too.  My point is whatever communicates helps.

Hugs for hating yourself in photos.. I totally get that!

Maybe you can write about your anxiety first? I think you have done an amazing job here describing the issue.  Maybe just print this off and give to her?

I tend to only want to photograph my friends because I think they're all pretty people and I am not a pretty people lol

Yeah, she knows about the anxiety. My best friend encouraged me to tell my therapist about all my mental health issues as well "in for a penny, in for a pound" is what she said (which she then had to explain to me as I'd never heard the phrase before), so she pretty much got all my mental stuff I had previously been diagnosed or "unofficially diagnosed" with at my last therapist's. So I suppose I could copy that onto the long essay I'm going to be writing her soon (I don't have a printer so it's all handwritten stuff for me for a while).

Sounds like you may have several minor issues working against each other... a bit like a tangle of ropes... once you start to loosen one, it will help with the next a bit, and so on until the whole knot is unravelled.

Finding and building a trust relationship with a therapist is going to help immensely, do stick at it.  Being vulnerable after abuse is very hard, dont panic... you will get there.

Quote from: Rin on July 10, 2013, 02:01:21 AM
TI have a hard time speaking up. If I think it's anyone "above" me (teachers, doctors, therapists, older friends, etc), my brain automatically registers knowing them as more knowledgeable or something. While I know that's not something that's necessarily makes sense or is true at all, it still ... I dunno.

Basically, it's hard for me to speak to anyone face to face that aren't my closest friends. I don't really trust people.

I can't really offer you any advice, but I can definitely relate.  I'm exactly the same way : /   It doesn't make sense, but when you've been operating that way for so long, it's hard to break out of it.

The note idea sounds worth a shot at least.

My friend helped me come up with a list of goals and another friend of mine helped me write out the note about how I need to basically be explicitly told that I am allowed to challenge suggestions/advice from my therapist. She thinks that once I have that out there, it'll be a lot easier for me.

I kept having to rewrite the notes because I kept messing up (I don't like to scribble out things, so I have to start over...another compulsion I get to mention too I guess), but I think I'm just going to end up typing them up and sending all of them to her in an e-mail and explain I don't have a printer. I have the things down but she switched the day from Friday to tomorrow and now of course I'm anxious because it moved my schedule around sigh