Call me Kai. I'm 25 and FTM... and have been in denial most of my life. By 'most' I mean up until a few months ago, though I'd always known I was different from everyone else.
I was pretty good at ignoring the signs of what it was, though. I told myself for awhile that there was no difference between men and women; it was all society. Until I started meeting more people in college and after, and I realized that wasn't exactly true. Maybe it was just me... And so, when I chimed in with my guy friends complaining about not understand women, I meant it.
I guess I should have seen it sooner, but I am pretty good at lying- even to myself. Especially to myself. I suppose the main thing keeping me from admitting it, was that I'm attracted to men, exclusively. I was raised with in pretty conservative environment; I never heard about the existence FTMs growing up, and once I did, I figured I couldn't be a guy anyway, cause my attractions would mean I was gay, and that wasn't possible! Hahaha....
I've done a lot of soul searching over the past few years, and as I began to break down those old prejudices and misconceptions, I also started coming across information related to transsexualism. Like, the fact that it can happen both ways. And that trans people aren't necessarily straight (oh duh). After that, it was only a matter of time after that until my gender identity issues hit me upside the head again.
I'm only a few months past even acknowledging it at this point, and as much as I want to take things carefully, I'm pretty sure that I'm FTM transsexual and that I'd like to physically transition at some point... once that becomes possible. I'm rather severely finically and geographically limited in that regard at this point (thanks, Texas).
I've told a couple of people at this point, one who is continually shocking me at how accepting she is, and the other of one who is taking it kind of hard but at least trying to being understanding. I haven't told my parents, and have no idea when I will, as I'm quite certain they're going to flip out not just about the transsexual thing, but also about the gay thing. Like seriously flip out.
For now, I'm just looking for other people that understand what I'm going through. A refuge of sorts. And information, though I've got a ton of that already just by lurking. I'm quite the accomplished lurker, probably too much for my own good, ha.
Well, that kind of turned into a book. But, eh, what else would you expect from someone who writes novels for fun? *shrug*
