So I've been in a relationship for almost a year now. I'm out to my family and they except me and know that my girlfriend (L) is a straight woman and don't see us as lesbians. I've met her family, I was even friends with her oldest sister (S)  before I met L. They all seem to like me. L is afraid of telling her family about us. S know's about me and also doesn't care, but L doesn't know if she told anyone else anyway (seems unlikely but someone other than myself told both of them. ->-bleeped-<- happens). L comes from a pretty Christian family, bible study and church every Sunday type. She's afraid of telling them about us because of what they might think of her and I, if they know or speculate about my situation. But L really does love me and sees me as nothing but a guy.
I'm not the type to go after relationships quickly. Kind of to avoid this. In fact she's my first girlfriend in the 6-7 years I've been out and passing. But I know I can expect this situation with any relationship.
The secrecy of this relationship gets lonely, especially since I'm still friends with S. But I love L and wouldn't want to let her go just because she's afraid. Guess I'm looking for some positive things to think of.
(sorry if this has been talked about if so I'd like to be directed to that post)

I can only assume she has never talked to her parents about queer people, let alone trans folk. So maybe that's where she should start? She could say to her parents she has a friend that's gay/lesbian, or knows someone that wants to transition. With their reaction, she should know where to go next. Not all Christian are anti-gays.

Actually she has some gay friends. I don't know what the rest of her family thinks about that, but S doesn't seem to mind. I also want to remain stealth and I've only been presented as male and they don't misgender me. I don't want them to figure out it's me if I don't have to.
Maybe I should ask L what her family thinks of her queer friends?
But in my experience two out of three are fine with whatever it is that we are. S seems to know something is happening. She's seemed to understand it when L and I started dating. Kind of verbally indicating that she knew we were flirting. But has also said she'd like me as a brother-in-law. L's mom has commented on us having something special that others don't understand in defense of some playful mocking. Her mother is a woman that doesn't really hold back. If she doesn't like you she'll make it known. Her saying something like that meant a lot to me. But her middle sister (C)...I just can't tell with that one. I haven't been around her much. But most of the bad vibes I get with her are simply because I'm white.
(shrugs) I know I don't get to see the true dynamic of the family, but a large part of me thinks L's terrified of nothing.

You mentioned originally that your girlfriend is afraid of telling her family. Now you have brought up that you want to remain anonymous. I guess your girlfriend doesn't like the secrecy? Saying your girlfriend has queer friends, i think that implies her family aren't bothered. I mean, if they were, then by now they would have told her of their hate. I think its best for her to say something, but the both of you need to agree on that decision.

Why do they need to know?  If you pass to them then where's the problem?

Unless they expect you to marry and pop out a few babies in the next couple of months of course...

I can see why she could be afraid. I actually know a lot of families that "tolerate" queer people, but it's a "but not my kid" situation. I don't get that vibe from hers, but still my other friends have told me of the way their family treats them. However L's family doesn't know or don't cared about my situation. And her family knows that she's plans on adopting so she doesn't pass down the health problems her mom and C have. And she comes from a broken family where her mentality is "what's the point in marriage?". L has told them these things for years so they don't expect them from her in fact they'd be shocked. So the only thing I see her being afraid of is that first bit.
I should talk to her about it more. But she isn't a fan of discussing family life nor talking about fears.  In fact it took me pushing her away for her to open up about why she hasn't told them.

Quote from: assorted_human on July 19, 2013, 06:40:11 PM
I can see why she could be afraid. I actually know a lot of families that "tolerate" queer people, but it's a "but not my kid" situation. I don't get that vibe from hers, but still my other friends have told me of the way their family treats them. However L's family doesn't know or don't cared about my situation. And her family knows that she's plans on adopting so she doesn't pass down the health problems her mom and C have. And she comes from a broken family where her mentality is "what's the point in marriage?". L has told them these things for years so they don't expect them from her in fact they'd be shocked. So the only thing I see her being afraid of is that first bit.
I should talk to her about it more. But she isn't a fan of discussing family life nor talking about fears.  In fact it took me pushing her away for her to open up about why she hasn't told them.

I would not push someone away inorder for them to open up. I would rather them come around to it. Ask her what she thinks, weigh in with your opinion, and then go from there.

L asked her mom what she felt about me. Apparently she said some nice things, but also that she thinks I'm a girl (at least she's nice about it though and has never called me one. Which is why I thought I passed). L also says her mom has a gay uncle and it's never bothered her. Now I guess it's all about finding the right way to word everything. I'm pretty sure at this point she's afraid of being viewed as a lesbian by her family and community weather or not it bothers them. I know I don't like being viewed as a girl (none of us do), so I'm figuring it's just as scary to her to be viewed that way. (shrugs)

Quote from: assorted_human on July 25, 2013, 04:45:33 PM
L asked her mom what she felt about me. Apparently she said some nice things, but also that she thinks I'm a girl (at least she's nice about it though and has never called me one. Which is why I thought I passed). L also says her mom has a gay uncle and it's never bothered her. Now I guess it's all about finding the right way to word everything. I'm pretty sure at this point she's afraid of being viewed as a lesbian by her family and community weather or not it bothers them. I know I don't like being viewed as a girl (none of us do), so I'm figuring it's just as scary to her to be viewed that way. (shrugs)

That sounds really good.  I reckon her immediate family will not view her as such. As for the community, how will they find out? However they do, it's to be expected that there will be a handful that are "confused".  Yous just have to hold your heads up high.