This is one of the biggest reasons I have not started transitioning or really coming out to anyone yet. It's about a major part of my life that I don't know if I'm willing to give up.

I am a cirque performer and student. The circus is both my passion, and my refuge. I know for a fact that this is the place I want to go with my life and the community I want to be immersed in and be a part of. In the years that I have been training and performing, I've learned how to do many things such as Aerial Silks, German Wheel, Stilt Walking, Juggling, Unicycle, Hand Balance, Fire Spinning, and much more. As you can well imagine, being in a male body I have developed quite a bit of strength throughout pretty much my entire body. This is my least favorite aspect about myself as a cirque performer. After shows I'm always getting compliments like "Oh wow you're so strong!" or "That must take quite a lot of muscle!" These would be great if they weren't the only thing that people focused on when they saw me. Regardless of the fact that I hate it, I do recognize that a lot of that strength is very much needed If I am to follow my dream of being a full time cirque performer for the rest of my life. And while I would certainly be okay with losing some of the strength I posses, and I desperately want to make myself look less buff and more slender, there are certain things I still need to be able to do.

In Aerial Silks, most of us are women, and quite strong women. Typically most of us can't comprehend the idea of not being able to climb vertically up a rope with ease(I'm talking strong women). But a lot of them still maintain this very beautiful and slender figure while still being able to do all of the things they do. The few male-bodied members of the family aren't typically so lucky(Albeit, there are exceptions).

I am a transexual, MtF, and I desperately want to start hormone replacement therapy. I want to lose muscle mass, but I am afraid. I'm afraid that I won't be able to do the things I love to do or pursue the life I want to. I'm more than willing to have to build up my strength again and readjust my skills to my new body. I've been taught to struggle, to push myself beyond my limits, and to endure quite a bit of pain and exhaustion. I don't mind being weaker, I'd like it. I don't mind having to start over on some things. What I'm scared of is that I won't be able to do them again at all, and I'll have to give up on the life and community I know and love. So my question to you is this.

Will taking hormones prevent me from being strong enough to follow the life I love? Do I have to choose between being a circus performer, and being in the body that matches what I feel inside?

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I know hormones effect everyone differently. So for general info about my body that might be pertinent or useful...
I'm 6 feet tall, in my teenage years. I have very little fat on my body. Currently I can lift a small/medium sized teenage girl over my shoulder with ease. I'm more flexible than most men but not as flexible as most women. I've been mistaken for a girl once or twice but only from a distance and if I'm wearing the right clothes, usually from behind due to my long hair. And there's no way in hell anyone might think of my arms, shoulders, or abs as feminine.

I am afraid to hear your answers but also eager for replies... (:,
Thank you

With Passion, Maka

I know that there are some who do not see muscular and strong women as "feminine," but I do, and see no problem with you going that route.

If you want to see broad female shoulders, take a look at gymnasts and swimmers.

If the natal women in your profession can do it, so can you! 

Thanks for the encouragement!  I've just heard all of these stories about how girls get so weak after starting hormones. (:, But not a lot of transgirls make it a point to tell you how strong they still have the potential to be. I've never heard of a transexual gymnast before.

One plus side hun, if you do loose the strength along with muscle mass, you can save money by slipping hair removal and become the shows bearded woman....just kidding....unless that gave you a good idea then i want some credit lol.

Quote from: Makalii on July 17, 2013, 03:11:57 PM
Will taking hormones prevent me from being strong enough to follow the life I love? Do I have to choose between being a circus performer, and being in the body that matches what I feel inside?

No... IMHE. Genetics will play a part as well as your training and workout regimen. If you remain active and continue to work and build muscle, upper/lower body strength, you shouldn't notice a large decrease. IME I've lost maybe 20-30% max of my upper body strength. I also don't lift as often nor as much weight as I used to though, but this is by my own choice. There are plenty of female (all-natural hormone free) body builders and power lifters out that are plenty strong. So it's possible. How difficult it will be to maintain, is up to your genetics, physiology, and work-out ethic. On the plus side of things, I've noticed a moderate increase in endurance and cardio-capacity.

Now, if you were in training to be an olympic powerlifter or NFL defensive tackle, you would encounter a much tougher road.

You might lose some strength, but im sure with the right balance from your doctor you can keep up your strength. If you've already been mistaken for a woman before, you probably already have an edge! Theres plenty of super fit people out there, and I personally don't always equate muscles to male, i would say its 70% style of walk and movements in how people will perceive you when it comes to immediate looks. The few trans people ive met who are pretty stealth don't actually look incredibly super feminine on close inspection, its as much as how they present, move, and sound.

Thats my perception at least

Im super pudgy and im pretty sure no one will ever mistake me for a woman unless i really really tried.

Quote from: kariann330 on July 17, 2013, 05:17:14 PM
One plus side hun, if you do loose the strength along with muscle mass, you can save money by slipping hair removal and become the shows bearded woman....just kidding....unless that gave you a good idea then i want some credit lol.

Haha xP Not really that kind of circus. Not so much the carnivalesque, sideshow, elephants and lion tamers circus that people tend to think of. More like Cirque du Soleil type things.   

Quote from: JennX on July 17, 2013, 05:52:20 PM
No... IMHE. Genetics will play a part as well as your training and workout regimen. If you remain active and continue to work and build muscle, upper/lower body strength, you shouldn't notice a large decrease. IME I've lost maybe 20-30% max of my upper body strength. I also don't lift as often nor as much weight as I used to though, but this is by my own choice. There are plenty of female (all-natural hormone free) body builders and power lifters out that are plenty strong. So it's possible. How difficult it will be to maintain, is up to your genetics, physiology, and work-out ethic. On the plus side of things, I've noticed a moderate increase in endurance and cardio-capacity.

Now, if you were in training to be an olympic powerlifter or NFL defensive tackle, you would encounter a much tougher road.

Thanks! ^_^ That's quite relieving and uplifting. You'd be surprised how many really big and tough guys can't do something like climb a rope. It's like they're completely different muscles. I once had an audition for a tarzan show. So basically, all of these guys are trying out to play apes. And that's what they looked like! I'm not used to feeling small. But that night in the theatre, I felt like the most delicate one.  Anywho, after watching them all dance around like gorillas and show off their muscles they made us climb a rope at the end. It was so funny watching them all struggle to get up, or often not even make it all the way up. I went last. They soon learned I was an aerialist.

Wow. You found really cool. I don't see why your transition would be an issue for your Job? I think you will do just fine

Quote from: Makalii on July 17, 2013, 04:30:54 PM
Thanks for the encouragement!  I've just heard all of these stories about how girls get so weak after starting hormones. (:, But not a lot of transgirls make it a point to tell you how strong they still have the potential to be. I've never heard of a transexual gymnast before.

we got weak because the only think keeping us strong was the testosterone

with that gone, and not working out upper body muscles, they atrophy moreso than they would normally

I'm sure if you keep doing what you were doing they aren't gonna lose much strength