Okay, so this is my first post and it's going to be a long one so hold on? lol. Bit of a life story to see if anyone else can relate or offer advice. I know the forum probably gets a lot of these but hey, kinda been needing to talk people and I haven't had anyone to talk properly with.

Well, to begin with I can say I grew up with I guess what can be called a boy upbringing, I acted like your regular little boy if not a little too quiet for one, but there was always a few issues behind the scenes. I do remember always having a closer connection with the girls whom I met compared to the guys. If given the choice, I always went and hung around with the girls instead of the guys. (A specific incident I remember was at an uncles house for a party, the guys all went in the back garden and played football and just did guy stuff I guess lol, I instead went upstairs to see what the girls were doing, my cousin and a few other girls had gone into their room and were playing video games so I joined them) Of course I never thought anything of it at the time.

During primary school, things kept to a somewhat normal state. I never really had a specific group of friends until the final 2 years of school where in class, it was me, my best friend Joseph, and then the rest in our group were girls who we were good friends with. During breaks, I played games with a group of guys and like 2 girls, ofc I kept a closer connection with the girls, always choosing to be in the group they were in if the game involved groups. Still, I wasn't really thinking anything of it at the time...

Secondary school was where things went a bit more severe. Simply due to the way secondary school is, I could not hang around with the girls as much anymore and just sorta ended up in a friend group with a bunch of guys who I guess you could label as 'Emo'. I started to get these feelings like something was wrong with me and would look at the girls and be thinking "Why did they get to be born as girls, and I got born as a guy". I didn't know exactly why I was thinking these things but I couldn't stop them either. At this point I just dealt with it and pushed the thoughts into the back of my mind and just carried on with the daily routine. As time went on through secondary school the thoughts got more and more 'strong'? (Possibly wrong word) and also became more frequent. I eventually went into severe depression where I hated myself and who I was, I wouldn't go outside easily. This has carried on from early secondary school up to the end of college which is where I am at now. But back to early secondary school and I found my refuge, video games. MMO's you can choose your gender for your character? Great!

That was then my daily routine, go to school, deal with the day as it came and the thoughts as they came, come home and get on WoW of all things and play as Zayannah who was now my online avatar. I played her as a female and just felt happy doing so. Even played maplestory and would spend a lot of time in the cash shop picking out virtual outfits. But both experiences made me just mentally happy...

So as time went on I got more and more jealous of the girls for reasons that were (kinda hard to explain), just that they were girls and I wasn't. Like I hated being a guy and this was fuel for my depression and having these thoughts and feelings about the girls made it quite a confusing time for me.

So things carried on, I kept getting the thoughts and feelings, and they got worse and worse but I just 'soldiered on'. I got into college which was good, have now done my a-levels and am waiting for the results in august or whenever it is. At this point in time, I have told a few friends who I am in constant contact with over Skype, my brother, his gf and my mother about how I am feeling and have been to see my GP who is going to get in touch with the local mental health clinic who can then refer me onto a gender therapist (NHS system btw) lots of waiting involved... 

Side note: I have never actually fully cross dressed, only like a bra here and tights there..  It's partially because I don't have a sister, but also because when I have tried something on, It's just made me more upset that I was born as a guy... That's really confusing when you read other people's story and they have all cross dressed and stuff...

Well, that was a mouthful...  Pretty much just wondering if any of this resonates with the members on susans, and just wanting to talk to people who have/are going through this atm.

Hope I've not broken any rules posting something this long. 

Hai there,
Welcome to Susan's. It sure is quite a lengthy introduction, i think it's fantastic! It saddens me to hear what you have been through and are going through, i think i can kind of relate, believe it or not. It's nice to hear you have told a few close friends, your brother and mother, and have done something about it now. It would be nice to be kept informed  Unfortunately waiting is apart of it, you have just gotta remain optimistic, you'll eventually be where you want to be :]. And you have just done your A-Levels? That is tremendous! Congrats. Pat yourself on the back

I do feel my experience is somewhat similar.  As a boy I knew I didn't fit in but I never knew why.  Eventually - long story - I was diagnosed Asperger and had a reason for being different.  It was during the process of self discovery and re-invention that I discovered the real reason and set about putting things right.

Have you looked for any groups in your area?  I'm in Oxford and I know Manchester and Bournemouth have thriving groups.  I know you would be welcome at the groups I go to, even if you don't dress yet.

You will have to manage the (very slow) process of referral yourself.  There are still a number of doctors who tell you they have referred you but never do so.  The local mental health clinic is probably a waste of time.  If you are lucky they will realise they are the wrong people and pass you on to the local gender identity specialist.  If they haven't a clue (the first one I was sent to didn't) they will try to push you into some box they do understand.  Try "deluded - suspect schizophrenic" for example.

If you have decided this is really right for you go ahead.  It's a long  and bumpy road but you can do it.

Mary

Hi and welcome to the site.

A Mod will be along to guide you to the Announcement area that explains the rules and when you can post an avatar etc

You life story is very similar to many other MtF here and it certainly resonates with me.

I don't know where you are and maybe if you can say what country of place you are in people can post the location of support sites.

I'm in South Australia, and if you are in Australia there are many support services.

One way we start off exploring our lives is to seek the hlp of a gender therapist, your GP should be able to guide you to one. That is a good starting point to decide where you wish to go with your issues.

There is no compulsion to go any further in transition that what you desire. There are many people here who are content at cross dressing and they are very welcome! While there are others who have progressed to living as themselves full time and with or without surgery.

I live as me, a normal woman in a normal life, and have been well accepted by everyone I meet and work with.

Hugs and welcome

Cindy

Oh, I totally had the same experience with cross-dressing. I did this occasionally when I was 14-15 years old, during long summer vacations when I was home alone. Since there only a couple of articles which would fit me, I mostly played with them, bras, jevelry and shoes, which were not too big for me. And I stopped doing this, because although the experience in general was nice, having to put it all back was painful. Besides, I had to make sure that everything got back into its place "as it was". I was very paranoid about that, but now I know that nobody would have noticed anyway or given any attention to that.

Thanks so much guys for the responses!

It's a bit of a relief to know that the story does resonate with some of you as I can at least now know that I'm like 'on the right road'. Even though I've had 5 years of somewhat clear thinking about it all and come to the conclusion many times that I needed the change, I always said to myself I'm not rushing into this at all so I'll probably end up talking with the gender therapist A LOT. Hehe

I'm currently living in the UK in the North East of England, (please advise me if you wanted me to be more specific) but from what I've seen and know about my area, it's not particularly accepting of any aspect of the LGBT community...

Hi Drawcansir,

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Janet  )O(

That totally resonates with me. Especially hanging around with the "emo" crowd, being depressed, and playing video games with a female avatar.
I'm really sorry it's taking a while for things to get moving, but they will get better. Just have a little faith. Congrats on being done with college and hopefully coming to terms with yourself!

Sounds very familiar. my story was quite similar at school. Took me a little longer to actually decide to do anything about it though. It takes time to get all the referrals sorted in the UK. i would recommend checking on Google which clinic is closest to you. the way they work can be different from place to place. some require you to be referred from a psychiatrist, some accept referrals direct from a GP. If you can be referred direct from the GP i would take the details of the clinic with you and give them to your GP. I say this because some GP's don't have a clue when it comes to this stuff.

Some GPs are obstructive too.  I was lucky, I saw my GP in the morning and asked to be referred to a psychiatrist with experience in gender issues.  My GP said she hadn't a clue, but phoned me in the afternoon to say she had found out and referred me.

BIG UPDATE! 

I told my dad!!! WOOOOOOOOO! Omg for so long I had been so worried about his reaction, but he was absolutely amazing. I showed him my first post and he read it all and just turned to me and said "I support you all the way". I just lit up at that moment HUUUGGGEE weight has been lifted off my shoulders 

He even asked why I didn't say anything sooner as he would have got the ball rolling then, omg he is just like #1 dad in the universe! He was a bit disappointed he was the last person I told out of close family but I explained why that was and he was okay about it.

Also, I finally received a letter to send back to the clinic to tell them, yes I'm still here and yes I'm wanting to see someone. So, progress there

I'm just so happy right now!!!

Great news!  It is unfortunately rather unusual to get such good support, but great for you.

Get yourself on the long and winding road that leads to the clinic, it's worth the waits.

Quote from: Drawcansir on July 17, 2013, 12:22:16 PM
BIG UPDATE! 

I told my dad!!! WOOOOOOOOO! Omg for so long I had been so worried about his reaction, but he was absolutely amazing. I showed him my first post and he read it all and just turned to me and said "I support you all the way". I just lit up at that moment HUUUGGGEE weight has been lifted off my shoulders 

He even asked why I didn't say anything sooner as he would have got the ball rolling then, omg he is just like #1 dad in the universe! He was a bit disappointed he was the last person I told out of close family but I explained why that was and he was okay about it.

Also, I finally received a letter to send back to the clinic to tell them, yes I'm still here and yes I'm wanting to see someone. So, progress there

I'm just so happy right now!!!

Yippee!  What a delight to hear.

So I got an appointment at the local surgery to speak with a Will Rice, CPN. (Community Psychiatric Nurse)?

I just wanted to know if I am on the right road here by getting reffered to him? Or am I taking the long way round or something? I've read some stories of male psychiatrists trying to put these kinds of feelings down and generally disregarding how they feel, so I'm feeling a little worried by that... 

Sorry if this should have been a new thread. 

A male psychiatrist is better than nothing, besides You never know how good (or bad) one will be without meeting him in person. I have only met one and he was not good, so I am sort of put off by a possibility to try another male-one. I am with a female psych now and she is waaaay better.
Good luck in Your journey and be safe!

I understand, ( well except opposite, i would rather be  a guy not a girl)

I feel the mtfs have it harder as it is harder to go out and get girl things. to have little tastes of what it's like being female. while ftms can go tot he guys section and hardly be questioned. ( at least that's my experience. especially in cosplay. i cosplay only male characters as do most of my girl friends but i have never seen (save for those very few) who are guys that cosplay girls. )

also witht he mmos i always pick the male character. ( like you with the girl ones) i feel it is a better representation of myself.

I find picturing your future, like picture yourself in your 40's, what are you doing? do you see yourself as a woman? I know when i picture myself in my middle aged stage i am a man. i wear a suit to my performances and formal events. i am a father. do you feel that way but opposite? I cannot actually picture myself being female in my midle aged years. which for me really clarified what i want to do.

i wish you luck.

Thank you Emily, and yeah I'm just waiting to see what his thoughts are on the situation.

BeefCake, I also think that when picking the female character in mmo's represents myself much better than the physical me. I'm always like "now I can actually be me  ".  And there's always measurements and internet shopping, bit harder to return things but hey, there's always gotta be downsides of early transition.

As for picturing myself in the future, even the thought of going through University as a guy is unbearable, never mind being in the 40's. I know that thinking of myself as a girl in later life is a thought that makes me happy. To formal events I do wear dresses but don't really wear them often in day-to-day life and I would love to be a mother. Just want to be a normal everyday girl 

And good luck to you guys in your own journeys

yes I am right there with you on most things. I never got into the whole mmo's thing but at one point I was regularly posting and chatting online as a female. Most of my friends where female(even though I ended up sleeping with most of them) I didn't do much experimenting with cross dressing until I was an adult as I grew up in an ultra strict religious family and was beaten until I couldn't sit down for a few days because I was wearing panties when I was 10. That gave me a bit of a complex about the whole thing so I really tried to be "macho" whenever I was in public until I met a drag queen that liberated me finally! Getting thrown into the spot light at a few drag shows will really get you out of your shell.

Quote from: BeefxCake on July 30, 2013, 06:18:18 PM
I feel the mtfs have it harder as it is harder to go out and get girl things.

I tend to disagree. While generally speaking you might be right, we have more hindrances to solve; but the result is even more rewarding. While you get to buy the same boring shirt again and again, MTF get a whole new bunch of clothes. See... male clothes are all the same. You can have different colors for the tie and might have a striped or plain shirt under it; but given the enormous variety of female clothes male clothes aren't even barely a match.

Quote from: BeefxCake on July 30, 2013, 06:18:18 PM
also witht he mmos i always pick the male character. ( like you with the girl ones) i feel it is a better representation of myself.

I have almost only female characters. Got a male one as my main and as excuse: "Yeah, I'm male and my main is a male. But females just look SO HOT." Every guy buys off this excuse and girls tend to "oh god, males."

That said, I wonder if I will change my main to female gender later on...

Quote from: PiaBianca on July 31, 2013, 01:35:20 AM
I tend to disagree. While generally speaking you might be right, we have more hindrances to solve; but the result is even more rewarding. While you get to buy the same boring shirt again and again, MTF get a whole new bunch of clothes. See... male clothes are all the same. You can have different colors for the tie and might have a striped or plain shirt under it; but given the enormous variety of female clothes male clothes aren't even barely a match.
I have almost only female characters. Got a male one as my main and as excuse: "Yeah, I'm male and my main is a male. But females just look SO HOT." Every guy buys off this excuse and girls tend to "oh god, males."

ah, i see where you come from there (lol right now as it stands i wear a baggy t shirt everyday cuz i hate how girl clothes feel on me. heck i don't even clothes shop anymore if i have to buy girls clothes i just wear my moms old stuff.   guess this is the difference between people. some like variety some like same. i like same it doesn't bother me if i get to wear a button down shirt the rest of my life. long as it's comfy... ) and i never really thought about online shopping OTL wow, this just shows im a newb XD

lol i have a guy friends, actually a few that play as female characters just because they wanna look at em, you know those armor ratings XD the less it covers the higher the stats