Hey everyone. Of of the biggest things holding me back from starting my medical transition is the fear that I'm wrong about everything. Yes, I hate my female body (curves, chesticles, lower anatomy). Yes, I wanna be buff like Chris Evans as Captain America. Yes, I want to pee standing up. Yes, I want to fulfill the male role in a heterosexual relationship. But I can't help but fear transitioning. I'm afraid I'll wake up in five years unable to recognize myself. I'm afraid I might just hate being a masculine female and crave the normalcy of being a straight white male. Did/does anyone else feel like this? How do I get past it? I don't feel that I'll ever be happy or able to live a meaningful life if I don't transition, so how do I get the courage to tell my parents I'm moving forward? Thank you for any help!

Well, if you're just coming out to your parents, I suggest you start with, "I think I would benefit from therapy". Then get therapy. Being able to talk all these things out in person will help you come to the best decision, with (hopefully) the fewest regrets in the future.

Change is hard. The point of transitioning is achieve a point where you can feel comfortable in your own skin. It's not to bulk up and look like Captain America or achieve some sort of ideal you think is attractive. If you transition and get there then that is great but don't make that the focus of why you do or don't medically transition.

Are you happy as you are right now? It's a big step...biggest one you'll ever take in your life. I can't think of anything else someone could do that would be as life altering. You said you're afraid you'll wake up in 5 years and not recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror if you take T. Well, not trying to be snarky but that's kinda the point. Hormones can and will change you. In some cases rather quickly. I am almost 7 months and look quite a bit different but I welcome it. It's what I signed up for.

It's going to be scary a little bit no matter how ready you think you are. I had two choices, transition medically or not exist. The feeling was that strong inside myself but I've still had some difficulties. There are things I love about who I am becoming (voice, facial changes, body hair) and some not so great things (back hair coming in, receding hair, bacne). It's give and take but I love the confidence more than anything. I can walk into any situation and not be misgendered. For the first time I feel comfortable in my skin. People see me as I always viewed myself on the inside. I AM that man I cried to become and begged God to be when I was a child. That is what all of this was about.

You have to choose what you want for your life. Just don't stay in limbo for years and years if you're miserable now. Don't let fear be your guide. Don't dwell on what others may think. If you need to do this you'll know it. You may fear it because it's unknown territory but it'll still be apparent to you.

If I understand you correctly, you're scared cause you don't know if you'll see yourself or will feel that is really you after medically transitioning. And I suppose women don't want to look like Captain America, that's why he wrote that. Just one of the many proofs he's a man. Therapy would be really good, sharing all your concerns with a professional. I had these thoughts on my mind and I guess it's normal, like Simon said it's probably your biggest change in your life. When I wasn't pass at all, being in this female role held me back from everything that needed to be done outdoors. Even the things I normally enjoy. But also had this fear "what if I'm wrong?" I went to a therapist for a while and she helped. I hope you find a way to solve this, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Thanks for the replies. I was in therapy for over a year and a half. Started about six months after I started questioning my gender. I stopped going almost six months ago because my parents didn't want to pay anymore. She was ready to write me any letter I needed, but I was still unsure plus my family refuses to see me as male and I value their opinion so much (and would need their money at this point to do anything). I honestly don't know if I'm holding me back or if they're holding me back. I know that if I was the last person on earth, and I could choose to have a male or female body for the rest of my life, I'd choose the male body. I know that if I could magically become male, and have everyone's memories change to me always having been male, I'd do it right away.

Do you ever feel as if you are in the wrong body?

That was the one question that I kept coming back to in my journey. It's one I still ask myself from time to time. In my opinion, there is nothing that could be wrong than being in the wrong body. Looking at yourself in the mirror and being disgusted with your female body is one thing; imagining yourself as Chris Evans/Captain America when you do it is another. Living as if you are trapped in the wrong body is pure hell and there is absolutely no reason why you should subject yourself to living such a life....unless you can learn to be "ok" with living that way.

I'm one of those types of people who have learned to be "ok" (quote unquote because there is nothing good about living a lie except for that it allows me to achieve some goals temporarily and keeps those around me from asking questions for the time being).

I'd say that you need to reverse your question and look at from this point of view: What will my life be like in X years if I DON'T transition? Sure, you might be able to get along for a year or two or maybe five or ten....but eventually, you will crack under the pressure and you will have to deal with things in some way.

QuoteI'm afraid I might just hate being a masculine female and crave the normalcy of being a straight white male. Did/does anyone else feel like this? How do I get past it? I don't feel that I'll ever be happy or able to live a meaningful life if I don't transition, so how do I get the courage to tell my parents I'm moving forward? Thank you for any help!

Speaking only for myself, I completely understand your cravings for the normalcy of being a straight guy. (I'm not white, so that part not so much.) For many years, since high school really, I've known that I was a straight guy inside. I have always been attracted to women, but never saw myself as a woman with another woman (lesbian) but always as a man with a woman (straight). It was confusing and conflicting and no matter how hard I tried, I could never hide it from people. Over the years, I've been with both men and women and whenever I'm with a man, it just doesn't feel right. I can be great friends with guys, have lots of stereotypically male interests (computers, science, heavy metal music, bmx/motorcross, die hard football and baseball fan, etc)...but I have zero interest in them sexually. I never wanted to have sex with a man (although I have just to see what the fuss was about).

I did want to have sex with women and I have been in several half-assed relationships with straight women who were claiming to be bisexual or open or what the hell ever. I never dated out lesbians, though. Mostly because I never was ok with that. I saw myself as a straight guy or at the very least, as a guy of sorts and it felt like I would have been violating their lesbian-ness if I would have dated a lesbian. I still feel this way, actually. I'm still attracted to women. I'm just not seeking any physical connections with them at this juncture in my life.

Like you, I wish that I were just a guy and that I could be myself...be somewhat normal and not always feel like I'm outside of everything because I don't fit some mold of how people like me (masculine woman, butch woman, genderqueer, apathetic human, whatever) are supposed to be according to society.

I haven't really gotten past it; I don't think that anyone does until they transition or make a solid decision not to transition.

no i never felt like that from the fisrt time i opn my ys on this earth i know 1000000% im a male and that will nver evr change and men just take ur time and evrything will be clear

I understand completely where you're coming from. I was basically in denial for years, despite the fact that when I 'pretended' to be a boy I was much happier than any time I was behaving like a girl. I've only recently started my medical transition. I was definitely afraid for the first month that it was a mistake but every time I started worrying, and I checked myself against the 'If I didn't do this, how would I feel?' rule I realized I was making the right decision. My fears mostly stemmed from losing people I care about but there were many times when I did seriously question if I am trans.
Turns out, I had nothing to worry about. The people I care about care about me, too. They accept me as I am and always will and it's an amazing feeling to be validated like that. I really hope that you can experience that in your life. It's something I wish everyone who's struggled with insecurity could experience. Trans, gay, mentally ill, alcoholics, whatever. It's just wonderful.

I was going to say sorry for stepping into a guys thread. (BTW it is private to guys but as a Mod I can see it.)

I now also work as a counsellor for TG people, there are a few questions I ask people who are TG.

I ask them with no judgment.

I'll modify them for you guys (I usually deal with MtF) and yes they are sexist.

Do you want to wake up every day as a guy?

Do you want to shave and stuff every day?

Do you want to pee in the male toilet every day

Do you want to head butt every day

Do you want to be gender assertive

Do you want to suppress your emotions

Do you want to be a pack member

OK, as I said sexist.
But life is life. You live in the world. Can you live in it?
Not today, not tomorrow - for ever.

Do you want to die as an old man?

That is what you are deciding.

Cindy - who will die as an old woman.

Before I decided that I really wanted to transition I thought about this question.  Then I made a list of reasons that one may suspect why I want to transition (male privliedge, molestation, bullying, etc.) and then I explained to myself why those reasons are untrue.  Believe me, if I could just stay a masculine woman then I would jump at that opportunity.  That would save me A LOT of money and time.  Right now I'm living as a female and I am miserable because I know I am a man.  I have been miserable ever since I was born because of being trans.  I knew that I wanted to be a boy ever since I was young and even told my sister in 5th grade that I will get an operation to be a boy (before I knew it actually existed).  I also realize my limitations.  I have accepted the fact that I will never look like that buff handsome cismale....or even the buff handsome transguy that many people find so hot.  I have accepted the fact that I will actually lose privledge when I transition.  I have accepted the fact that my life will probably lose family to do this, and that I'll have more stress transitioning and it might even send me to an early grave, but I need to be who I am eventually. 

I would rather be a miserable man than a miserable woman.

Quote from: Soren on July 13, 2013, 10:35:25 PM
Well, if you're just coming out to your parents, I suggest you start with, "I think I would benefit from therapy". Then get therapy. Being able to talk all these things out in person will help you come to the best decision, with (hopefully) the fewest regrets in the future.

This is good advice.

Therapy will make it easier to tell your parents and to deal with your own thoughts. Also, if your parents are not completely accepting at first, showing them you went to therapy before really coming out will let them know you've really worked through your feelings on this.

You'd be abnormal if you didn't have doubts!

That's what a good therapist is for: to sort it all out and decide if transition is right for you.

For me, it was essential.  I am a very private person, and the thought of having to come out and tell family, friends, and coworkers my private business was NOT EASY.

But now that I have transitioned, and am living, finally, as ME, it all seems so easy from the other side.  I just LIVE.  I don't worry about gender any more.  I'm a boring middle aged guy who happens to be gay.  Yawn.

Life used to be so hard.  I was so angry and depressed.  Now I'm happy to be ME.

Transition won't solve all of your problems, for sure.  But it will solve a big one if it's right for you.

Wow, nothing I wrote posted today.

You are probably pretty normal with doubts. It actually took me quite a while to decide to transition. At a certain point I was at 99% sure for IDK maybe months.

Anyway I agree somewhat with Cindy about the questions. I might add "Are you ok with having male privilege?" Turns out I had to think a LOT about that one and how I would handle it. I also, maybe because I am not binary and hang a lot with trans guys but I don't feel that I need to be a stereotypical man, and I don't mind being read as gay either (as that will be the result) but I don't need to be a "pack leader" (I am a certified clicker trainer anyway). And feel I have to suppress my feelings necessarily. Though I don't think I feel them like I did under the influence of E anyway.

Anyway take your time and think things through and don't worry about it.

Oh yeah meant to put in this link. This guy, Skylarkeleven, talks about how he came out. It's a really good idea to come out as "questioning" (though it does actually mean you come out twice). This video talks about it here.





--Jay

Quote from: WileyCoyote on July 13, 2013, 10:18:42 PM
Yes, I wanna be buff like Chris Evans as Captain America.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but the way you say this among the other things makes it seem like that's what you're shooting for (being buff like the actor in the movie). What if that's not what you transition into? What if you transition into a balding guy with a gut and back acne? It's nice to shoot for the moon, but once you start on the path of medical transition, there's no turning back after a certain point (sure you can stop, but some changes are pretty permanent). I'm not saying this as some scare tactic, it's just reality. Plenty of guys on here have mentioned that it was either medically transitioning or not living anymore. At that point it becomes a necessity I suppose. Unless you're at that point, I think it's very good to question and have doubts. Also, it's not a race to the finish line. There's guys on here who transitioned in their late 20s to 40s and beyond. Take your time. It's all about finding your own personal comfort level. Experiment with low-level things like changing your clothes and hair, getting close personal friends to refer to you as male, etc. Baby steps. That might help you to clarify things in your mind.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on July 20, 2013, 12:12:32 AM
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but the way you say this among the other things makes it seem like that's what you're shooting for (being buff like the actor in the movie). What if that's not what you transition into? What if you transition into a balding guy with a gut and back acne? It's nice to shoot for the moon, but once you start on the path of medical transition, there's no turning back after a certain point (sure you can stop, but some changes are pretty permanent). I'm not saying this as some scare tactic, it's just reality. Plenty of guys on here have mentioned that it was either medically transitioning or not living anymore. At that point it becomes a necessity I suppose. Unless you're at that point, I think it's very good to question and have doubts. Also, it's not a race to the finish line. There's guys on here who transitioned in their late 20s to 40s and beyond. Take your time. It's all about finding your own personal comfort level. Experiment with low-level things like changing your clothes and hair, getting close personal friends to refer to you as male, etc. Baby steps. That might help you to clarify things in your mind.

Agreed. I think it's important to take baby steps and figure out what you want. You may not turn into Captain America. That's something to think about. Especially as you get older. Remember, the majority of the changes are permanent.

I appreciate all the replies but I'm not at the beginning of all this like all of you seem to be assuming. My parents know I'm questioning my gender. I've been basically living full time as male for over a year and a half. I've also already had a year and a half of gender therapy, it says when I started right there in my sig, along with how long I've been consciously questioning my gender. I'm a very tall guy from a family of athletes, so Captain America is technically attainable, but I'd still have to put a lot of work into it. I'm male when I run errands and talk to strangers 24/7. It's only with family that it's weird because they refuse to accept me as male. I don't know if I'm not confidently telling them it's time for me to start T because I'm scared they'll never go along with it, or because I'm not male. My absolutely pipe dream is being a male model/actor. In a perfect world, that's what I'd be. Maybe I'm just scared of change. And of my family never accepting me, and the hardships that will bring. I wish this wasn't so hard.

In that case, I would start your conversation with, "So, I've given you plenty of time to get acclimated, and you haven't. I understand that this is a big change for you, but you need to realize that it doesn't seem like you're putting much/any effort in trying to understand me....

Quote from: WileyCoyote on July 21, 2013, 02:00:01 AM
I appreciate all the replies but I'm not at the beginning of all this like all of you seem to be assuming. 

I'm a very tall guy from a family of athletes, so Captain America is technically attainable, but I'd still have to put a lot of work into it.

Maybe I'm just scared of change. And of my family never accepting me, and the hardships that will bring. I wish this wasn't so hard.

I don't think anyone is assuming you're in the beginning stages of accepting yourself as trans. To me, it just sounds like you're stuck in limbo with all of this.

Why subject yourself to drawing this out any longer than need be if you know for certain what you need to do for yourself? Life is short and this isn't going to be any easier a year or two from now. Now I don't know your living situation and if you're at home then yes that complicates this ten fold. If you're not living at home then do what you need to do for yourself.

There will be relationships that fall flat. In my experience I had people accept me that I never thought would and I had people drop me that I thought would always have my back. I still don't regret any of it. We have one life to live and it's a shame to live it for anyone other than yourself. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish to be happy but you wouldn't tell anyone else how to live their life so what gives them the right to tell you how to live yours?

Oh, and the whole "Captain America" thing. Nobody is saying you can't achieve that look. All we're saying is possible attractiveness isn't a reason to medically transition. That could end in disaster if what you desire isn't the final product.

It's scary and impossible not to have doubts. Before I started the hormones and changed my name I doubted whether it was really going to make me happier or whether I was just trying to find reasons to be unhappy and maybe hadn't tried to be happy as a girl. Before I had top surgery I had even more doubts. I can officially say they were the best decisions of my life and I am now happier than I could have ever thought possible and nothing else in my life has really changed so it's not other stuff. All that's changed is that I can look in the mirror and not hate myself and I can now live my life without gender being the foremost thing on my brain all the time. I can just enjoy life and it's amazing but before I did stuff I doubted it everyday. There was a quote from another discussion board that I actually saved to my phone because it helped to read it once in a while. You might actually want to read that thread: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=134004.0.

AlexD said "I'm starting to suspect it's more unusual not to have doubts like this.

I know I doubt it all the time. I feel like I'm not even qualified to make the decision of whether I'm trans or not for myself. I wish I could just get a brain scan and be told "ah yes, you have a boy's brain, here's a certificate you can show people if they ever doubt your maleness". But here's the thing: if that scan came back saying I was female, I'd burst into tears at best; kill myself at worst. So if nothing else, that fact alone should be enough to prove that I'm not happy as a girl. And isn't that the heart of what it means to be trans -- wanting to be happier?"

I know the way he phrased it really helped with my doubts so maybe it'll help with yours. But ultimately the only thing that made my doubts go away was to go through with it and realizing how much happier I am. I know now with 100% certainty I did the right thing but I wasn't sure until I did it.

Quote from: WileyCoyote on July 21, 2013, 02:00:01 AM
I appreciate all the replies but I'm not at the beginning of all this like all of you seem to be assuming. My parents know I'm questioning my gender. I've been basically living full time as male for over a year and a half. I've also already had a year and a half of gender therapy, it says when I started right there in my sig, along with how long I've been consciously questioning my gender. I'm a very tall guy from a family of athletes, so Captain America is technically attainable, but I'd still have to put a lot of work into it. I'm male when I run errands and talk to strangers 24/7. It's only with family that it's weird because they refuse to accept me as male. I don't know if I'm not confidently telling them it's time for me to start T because I'm scared they'll never go along with it, or because I'm not male. My absolutely pipe dream is being a male model/actor. In a perfect world, that's what I'd be. Maybe I'm just scared of change. And of my family never accepting me, and the hardships that will bring. I wish this wasn't so hard.

Well, if you've been doing all of this for a few years, then I don't know what the issue is? Like Simon said, if you're able, you need to do what is right for you and yourself. My family doesn't fully accept me or see me as male at all. I still did it. I needed to and I did. No regrets. Unless you live at home and literally cannot start transition, maybe you should consider moving forward. I know you're concerned about regret, but it sounds like you've been already living as male for a few years and are content with it. That's what I did and I decided to transition. Now, I'm not saying you SHOULD medically transition, but it's something to consider if you've already gone through the trouble of presenting as male around people for a few years. It's always scary when you make life decisions. You just have to do what is right for you.