Hey everyone! ^_^ Maka here with a question for apprehensive transexuals.

So I have known I'm trans for about 3, maybe 4 months now, and I've had gender dysphoria for at least that number in years. I haven't really started coming out to anyone yet or gone to gender therapy or really any way of starting to transition, but I want to start, badly. As it stands, I am at an age where transitioning as soon as possible is critical in how effective the results can be (As I'm still in my teenage years). My only problem, (besides all of the normal problems associated with being transgendered and transitioning) I inherited this awful indecisiveness from my father. Making decisions is just simply hard. I'm almost positive that I'm trans, and I want to start transitioning more than I've ever wanted anything else, but there's still that 5 - 10% part of me that's unsure of myself. I'm sure it's probably just my mind faking myself out, but I want to know your opinion, and I have a question to ask. Did any of you ever experience a similar mixture of feelings, or are experiencing them right now? And to those of you who have already transitioned or started transitioning, when you first started on things like coming out and hormone replacement therapy, how sure were you?

Thanks, with Passion, Maka ^_^

I wasn't sure at all when I transitioned. I actually got scared and stuff and put on 53 pounds once so I could detransitioned

This is were a good gender therapist earns their keep.

They will not tell you, but they will guide you to ask the questions so that you an seek the answer.

It is of course normal to have doubts about everything we do. But that is healthy human behaviour.

When I decided to goo FT and potentially loose everyone and everything I had there was only on thing I was certain of.

I'm a woman and I have to live as me, be it in the gutter or in the highest echelons of life.

It didn't matter.

I have to be me.

I'm still very early in transition, but what I've found reassuring is starting with small, reversible steps (shaving, dressing at home, light makeup, etc.) and coming out to a select few supportive individuals. Take your time, be sure you are comfortable with each step you take; you can always take a bit of a break along the way and gauge your feelings towards it.

Do you have a school counselor you trust and confide in or someone who can help find you someone you can discuss GD with?

I've known, wanted, and dreamed about it since I was around 4 years old. So I was pretty sure. It's different for everyone... But for me there was little indecision involved. I'm pretty estatic with my life now postop.

Quote from: Makalii on July 21, 2013, 03:40:47 AM
Did any of you ever experience a similar mixture of feelings, or are experiencing them right now?

Me, me, me, me, me! I only found out I was Trans a little more than a year ago (though I've had feelings of wishing I were female since I was a teen). I had a very powerful (almost irresistible) desire to transition once I went to a support group and started meeting trans women who had done it and seen that they were ordinary people just like me.

But it was such an alien concept, I had no notion whether it would be right for me or a disaster. Did months of dithering (you can read https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,126912.0.html if you want a small taste of it.
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Quote from: Makalii on July 21, 2013, 03:40:47 AM
And to those of you who have already transitioned or started transitioning, when you first started on things like coming out and hormone replacement therapy, how sure were you?

Not sure. I've been living full time for a month, and I'm still not sure.

Not sure that I can bear the emotional burden of living as a trans woman in a cis world.

But I'm absolutely sure that living as a woman is the right life for me. I love almost all the changes that HRT has brought me (except the lower libido, but hey, that's femininity). I still get a shock of pleasure when someone uses a female pronoun or greeting or when I present female.

I got that way over a period of time, but going out and presenting female in as many social situations as I could manage. What I found happening is that my female presentation seemed far more genuine to me than my day-to-day male life and I wished I could show my female self in more and more situations.

Good luck, Maka. Does this help?

Hi Maka,

I know I had my doubts about coming out and especially transitioning. Thats why I took almost two years in just talking to my psychiatrist before deciding to move forward and start my transition. And I even had a massive panic attack the night before I told my psychiatrist that I need to transition. I was like "WTF am I doing?"

Lets face it, deciding to transition has to be the biggest decision you can ever make in your life. And one not to be taken lightly.

Best of luck to you Maka.

Quote from: jamielikesyou on July 21, 2013, 08:02:22 AM
I'm still very early in transition, but what I've found reassuring is starting with small, reversible steps (shaving, dressing at home, light makeup, etc.) and coming out to a select few supportive individuals. Take your time, be sure you are comfortable with each step you take; you can always take a bit of a break along the way and gauge your feelings towards it.

Do you have a school counselor you trust and confide in or someone who can help find you someone you can discuss GD with?

Fully agree on the small reversible steps to test the ground. However, I'd be very wary about coming out to anyone other than a professional while still trying to sort things out at a personal level because coming out is not at all reversible and sort of creates its own dynamic. I actually think that for anyone not very sure about where the want to go and how they are going to go about it, the disadvantages of coming out early  should be weighed very heavily against the advantages.

Wishing you all the very best Maka.
Donna

I was maybe about 75% sure when I started HRT. I was pretty sure, at least sure enough that I wanted to try it to see if it really did make me feel better about myself or not, but I'll admit that in the beginning there were a LOT of things from my past that didn't quite fit the official Trans Narrative^TM that made me wonder whether I really was trans or not.

The main thing that gave me doubt was just the fact that I didn't really start feeling gender dysphoria until I was like 13. And although those feelings were VERY strong, to the point that they completely dominated my life and practically destroyed it for a good 5 years, and were still up there despite the fact that I'd learned to suppress them, I was very confused over where they came from in the first place. Because those feelings started at the exact same time that my parents divorced, I moved from Ohio to Florida, and started going through puberty, so there was a LOT of confusion up there in regards to whether I really was experiencing official gender dysphoria, or whether it was just a coping mechanism for the changes I was going through, or possibly just  ->-bleeped-<-. I was pretty sure it was dysphoria, just because of how damned long I had been putting up with it, and because these thoughts NEVER went away once they started, but I did still have some doubts. And I actually started HRT with the impetus of believing that a trial run with HRT would help me to sort this confusion out. That I'd see how I felt once I really did start getting all of those features that I had been yearning to have for my entire adult life.

That was dumb. Going on HRT didn't sort out a damned thing in my mind. In fact, it only made it even more complicated because now when I was feeling completely amazing or completely crappy and having doubts, I didn't know whether it was the hormones talking or my rational mind talking.

Going to see a therapist (about 2.5 months into HRT,) is what REALLY helped. That's really what I needed all this time, is just someone to talk about all of this with, and be honest and open about it, which I had never done with anyone before. And it's kind of funny. Now the further and further I'm getting along in HRT, the more and more certain I'm becoming that I'm trans. My therapist really has helped me to sort out where my doubts were coming from. (It was all doubts over how other people perceive me... which has NOTHING to do with whether I am trans or not, it just has to do with social anxiety. And I've realized, on a fundamental level, I have no doubts about what I want whatsoever. Just fears about how others will perceive me once I finally do get a body that I'm comfortable with.)

So yeah... I started out maybe only about 75% sure, now I'm up to about 95% sure. And I'll be honest, I don't think I'll ever be 100% sure about it, at least until I've reached the very end and been living in my final body for a couple of years. Because although most of the time I am completely 100% sure in my head, and most of the time I absolutely LOVE every single thing that is happening to me, there's always still these occasional twinges of fear and doubt where out of nowhere for a few minutes my brain will panic and go "OMG, what the f*** am I doing?" before going right back to being happy with it. So yeah...

I met two who were 100% sure. One detransitioned after SRS and got a 'reversal'. The other was so single minded, she scared the bl'dy heck out of me and I put as much distance as I could.

The only thing that I was uncertain about was whether I should have tried a "normal" life first, like getting married and having kids. But that would probably have been an unmitigated disaster, as often is the case. The benefits of not trying that path are that I'm a free spirit with no ties and no responsibility to anyone except myself and I'm stealth.

Well I'm not so sure I know what 100 percent sure feels like but other then worries about the future and what it holds, I am pretty sure. But this is the only thing I have ever wanted since I was like 6 years old. I don't really think of it as a choice because I don't think I will live very much longer if I stop. It is pretty remarkable I made it this far.

I wasn't at all sure! It was the early 70s and it was as frightening as jumping out of a window without knowing what is on the other side! But I couldn't stay where I was - the room was burning and when it got hot enough, I jumped. It turned out to be the easiest and most natural  thing I ever did. Of course I had known I was TS for 10 years, from the moment I heard the word and had been diagnosed 8 years before transition/SRS.

For me each step forward has been like a bolt of lightning.  An enlightening, unmistakable and reassuring sense of recognizing myself and comfort with where i am and who I am publicly becoming.  At one point early on I thought I could go back if something was too hard for my family.  That was naive as I found the idea of going back felt impossible and I was ready to throw away all my boy clothes a month after finally coming out and dressing feminine full time.  That was with the benefits of therapy, a supportive spouse and no HRT.
Of course the challenges are real and sometime painful but the central question of accepting my once shadow self is now definite.  The challenges are daily and working through them is reassuring me this is the right course.  I have never felt more authentically myself.  I don't have to "act" anymore and it feels wonderful.  Transitioning will not solve all of our relationship problems and I agree with Northern Jane that we make some jumps or leaps of faith and trust these new wings will help us fly.  We may not have a crystal ball but we can rest, reflect and reassess along the way.
You have the envious advantages of youth, a much more accepting culture and resources that are fairly accessible, depending on your location. 
Good luck!

Before I did anything at all? I was about 90% sure I would NOT transition.

So instead I'd ask myself how sure I was that I wanted to do a particular thing. Laser? 100% sure. OK, so how about dressing part-time? Once I tried it, 100% sure. And then it got trickier - hormones? about 90% sure. telling people? 75%. coming out at work? 70%. And so on.

But I'd tell myself that as long as I was more sure than not, I'd *try* it, and see how I felt. Since each time I ended up 100% HAPPY, I'd move on to the next step and the next set of questions.

And I had GRS last year, for which I was about 90% sure and ended up 1000% happy.

Doubt? What doubt? When I learned that there was a possible relief for this situation, there was no thought of not doing it.

When it comes to transitioning I never was completely sure, I'm not completely sure now and I don't think I ever will be, at least not until it's completed.

Want to know why? I'll tell you.

Transition is too general a term to describe what can only be the catharsis in my life, the resolution of the conflicts, the correction of all that is wrong. It's a process, a major one, just like completely rebuilding a house from the foundations upwards.

In theory it sounds simple, but the reality isn't simple because I'm a complex person and my life is rather complicated. It affects every area of my life from friendships and relationships right down to what I do in the bathroom. (I know most people call it 'the john' but I'm one of those people who prefer to call it 'the jim'. It just sounds better when you tell people that you have to go to 'the jim'. However I feel sympathy for those who tell you that they work out regularly 'at the jim'. Constipation is a terrible thing to suffer from).

Sorry I'm digressing, and drifting...

It took me long enough to figure out that I needed to transition that my life had become a voyage of exploration, experimentation and discovery - about myself, about other people and about life.

I decided to break my transition down into little bits with more specific objectives. A bit like a 100,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. The overall strategy is simply - first it's got to be right in my headspace, then I have to have my life sorted, and then I go and do the physical stuff.

The mental transition is pretty much over and is probably the only bit of the transition I'm 100% sure about. I embrace the fact that I'm female by way of trans, it enhances my individuality and uniqueness, I've made a lot of mistakes but I've learned a lot of lessons.

(This doesn't make me an expert on trans issues, it just makes me an expert on making mistakes, just in case anyone is wondering).

Like the OP I have crippling indecision, caused by rising Virgo Moon, getting bogged down in the details and being too self-critical. 

Thank you all so much!! Your replies are so very insightful and helpful! 
I think I'm going to ask my mother if I can talk to gender therapist. ^_^

Quote from: Donna Elvira on July 21, 2013, 11:25:23 AM
Fully agree on the small reversible steps to test the ground. However, I'd be very wary about coming out to anyone other than a professional while still trying to sort things out at a personal level because coming out is not at all reversible and sort of creates its own dynamic. I actually think that for anyone not very sure about where the want to go and how they are going to go about it, the disadvantages of coming out early  should be weighed very heavily against the advantages.

Wishing you all the very best Maka.
Donna

^ This 100%. Well said.

I am so, so, so indecisive, but by the time I transitioned, it was either that or death and I ultimately decided to give living a try.  Thanks to actually knowing first-hand where the path in the other direction leads, I've had zero doubts.  The peace and happiness that came with going this way just further reinforced how right the choice was for me.

Quote from: Donna Elvira on July 21, 2013, 11:25:23 AM
Fully agree on the small reversible steps to test the ground. However, I'd be very wary about coming out to anyone other than a professional while still trying to sort things out at a personal level because coming out is not at all reversible and sort of creates its own dynamic. I actually think that for anyone not very sure about where the want to go and how they are going to go about it, the disadvantages of coming out early  should be weighed very heavily against the advantages.

Wishing you all the very best Maka.
Donna

I do agree that you should ideally wait to come out until you have clarity about where you are going with things.  Or if you don't/can't, I would stay away from saying anything very definitive, because you don't want to look wishy-washy when it comes to this.  People will use it against you.  Telling people does also create outside noise that can make it harder to get in tune with yourself and your needs.  Once you do feel clear, then make coming out an imperative though.  The sooner you can tell people the sooner they can start getting used to it and the less time they have burning the image they have of who you are in their minds.

Small reversable steps seems like the way to go. I suppose a lot of the things you've given as examples I already do on a regular basis. (Like wearing women's clothes, makeup, etc. I have long hair.) And doing those things feels very comfortable to me and it makes me very happy. My friends might not like it but that hasn't stopped me. I'm starting to think that coming out to them might be the hardest part.

I suppose since I've been absolutely 120% happy with all of the things I do so far, granted that's nothing beyond cross dressing and my extremely feminine body language, the next step is finding a good gender therapist! Then I can start to really "get the ball rolling." !!