So I've been thinking more and more, trying to figure out if I should go on the T path, but it seems like there are never-ending questions in my mind... Do I want to grow facial and body hair? Do I want to have my junk grow? what if I get acne like never before? do I want to start balding?
Usually I think of what I WOULD like to happen but then these questions come in as well. All I know is that I really want to have my face look more masculine, my voice to change, body fat redistribution to happen and have muscle growth. I don't feel the same about body hair (never like having any body hair and always shaved. will that change after T? I don't know), and after seeing pics of what "junk growth" means, it scared me a bit, I must say. I also don't like the idea of losing hair (balding) and since I'm 40yo and the guys in my family did,  I probably will as well.
Most of the time, I feel like a freak as it is, since I look like a butch lesbian while living as the guy that I am, but I'm afraid I would feel even worse  if or when I start T...at least until I could get surgeries done. Did any of you guys feel this way before starting T? How did you deal with these fears and thoughts?

On the other hand I every day that passes i feel like I'm closer to going crazy. I can't stand seeing myself in the mirror or picture, can't stand hearing my voice...can't stand my breasts, hips and ass and feel like I simply don't belong in my own body!

Those of you who didn't have or don't plan on having bottom surgery-  did the "junk" growth change things for you sexually speaking? I am coming from a lesbian marriage and my wife is very supportive, but I really don't know how she'll see it if it won't really look like before but also not like what you imagine when you think "man".
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but the only person who will know if you WANT those changes to happen is you. That being said, I think the changes are different for each guy, based on genetics, age and pre-existing traits. For example, I have a ton of body hair by cis guy standards (for someone in his early twenties). My voice deepened and changed. It's pretty high-pitched, but it sounds a lot like my dad's, which is also high-pitched. I grew about half a foot taller on T (but I started when I was 18) and went from a slightly-chubby soft body to a skinny, lanky-looking 130 pounds of lean muscle (along with diet and a ton of exercise). My breast issue decreased and the fat disappeared from my hips. My facial structure also changed and I now patchy scruff that I could shave every day, if I wasn't going for the slightly scruffy look. You probably will go bald if you have the genetics to, plus T makes FTM's more likely to develop male pattern baldness than cis-guys.

I couldn't be more thrilled with what I see in the mirror. Before I started, I HATED looking in the mirror. Now, I'm one of the most vain people I know.

My sex drive rocketed, and I've slowly become more comfortable about making sexual and masturbation jokes with other people my age and I knew how to talk about male genitals without people knowing that I don't truly possess them in the way that other guys my age do. As far as down there, I'm not sure how much it's grown. I got intense yeast infections a couple of times, but other than treating those and keeping that area clean, I don't pay it a lot of attention or measure it. In fact, I let my public hair grow long to cover it to help obscure the view in the event that I get caught with my trousers down (and so I don't have to see...IT myself). That being said, it still is what it is, if you know what I mean. I still have to sit down when I pee and sadly, I have not found the magic spell to enable me to grow a traditional penis.

As far as ladies in the bedroom go, I'm still a virgin and probably will be for awhile. Unfortunately, I haven't met a girl whom I've been interested who's interested in going out with me or being more than a friend. Even if I had a girlfriend, I'd feel kind of emasculated if she so much as put her hands down my pants and there wasn't a dick there. Maybe that's my sexual inexperience talking and maybe it's a common experience shared by FTM's because we're born with the wrong genitals and frat boys tell other guys "to stick a tampon in their vaginas" as an insult and it makes us feel insufficient, or something.

However, no matter what you look like after T, you will be more you than you were before, if that makes sense and your supportive wife will probably love you just as much. You're happiness translates into you being able to love other people more fully, in my opinion.

By the way, I did get acne, but I washed my face with scrub and acne treatment and continue to do so today. Been on T for over three years. Hope this helps!

Quote from: Mac on July 21, 2013, 12:31:22 AM
Most of the time, I feel like a freak as it is, since I look like a butch lesbian while living as the guy that I am, but I'm afraid I would feel even worse  if or when I start T...at least until I could get surgeries done. Did any of you guys feel this way before starting T? How did you deal with these fears and thoughts?

Have you considered getting surgery before starting T? I don't know about other surgeons, but Dr. Garramone doesn't require you to be on T to get top surgery. If you get surgery first, you might have an easier time of the "in-between" stage (since voice changes, facial hair, etc don't appear overnight). I know of several guys who got top surgery before starting T, and it was the right order of transition steps for them.

Quote from: Mac on July 21, 2013, 12:31:22 AM
Those of you who didn't have or don't plan on having bottom surgery-  did the "junk" growth change things for you sexually speaking?

I don't have a partner, so my perspective is a bit different, but I'll answer anyway. The growth I got was slightly uncomfortable at first (psychologically) because I hadn't known exactly what to expect, but after a while that discomfort disappeared entirely and now I'm quite happy with what I've got. I feel more confident about my body, and more manly. As a result, I feel considerably less dysphoric when jacking off. It was definitely a positive change in that regard.

Quote from: Mac on July 21, 2013, 12:31:22 AM
what if I get acne like never before? do I want to start balding?

With the timing of my transition, I had just barely stopped getting acne from my first puberty, before I started T and got it again. So that was a bit frustrating because, at the time, I had the thought process of "Nobody will see me as an adult until I no longer have acne." But it really wasn't that bad once I accepted that it was just a temporary side effect of taking T (plus I started using ProActiv and that helped).

Since you're 40, you might be worried that people will judge you or wonder what's going on, but you can always tell them that you have a hormonal imbalance if that makes you feel any better (low testosterone in cisguys can cause acne). The good news is the people you interact with daily are most likely not immature jerks, so unlike experiencing acne in jr. high or high school, I'd say it won't be a big issue as far as others' perception of you.

As for balding, even with your genetics it's not guaranteed it'll happen. You could still get lucky. If not, you might want to try Rogaine or a similar product.

The body and facial hair can be fixed with money, despite pumping your body with T. Just need to kill those pesky buggers with laser or electrolysis.