Okay, I'll take a shot in intruducing myself. Please understand that since I'm not out of the closet in any ways, I will not get specific in what I tell you; I just don't want anybody to take a shot on guessing who I am in "real life".
That naturally means that I won't tell you my name, but since I plan on getting HRT and SRS as well as a name change, you can just stick with Pia for now. That way you will be early adopters of my future name (at least as I plan for my name right now).
I'm from Germany and started to fantasize about being changed to female in my early teens. I just started to explore my sexuality and I dreamt to be magically changed to female and be forced to service people in my new body. Perhaps I should add my interest in BDSM to the list, since that makes things more clear. Of course I was feeling submissive since that's the way most people see females. Still I didn't plan any sex changes; I just didn't realize the implications.
When I grew up as teen, I was always making sure that nobody would think I'm female. I did strongly refuse to use female shower lotion and also refused unisex things and called them female things. I also strongly refused feminine things: no colorful clothes for example.
In retrospection I see my female side breaking through some times. Multiple times I colored my hair in reddish colors (which is my favorite hair color for girlfriends). I also had long hair for some time and after a suggestion of some buddies (and after the strongly assured that this wouldn't be girly) I even had a pigtail.
I also was very emotional when I was younger but was trained to bury that deep inside myself. I still start to cry when I see emotional things in TV like glamorous weddings or big love and happy ends in films. Of course I always refused to see any soap operas in TV, but when I moved out of my parents home and had my own flat, I stared to view them discretely. Of course I always pretended to not knowing what happened.
Since a few months I pretty sure that I'm suppressing out of shame. I fear what the people will think of me, when they realize that I like to be more female. I would love to use fruity shower gel, but still... that's not possible because I'm obviously a real male. I like the smell of it.
Since some months I have a small wardrobe of girl's clothes and wear them in private. This is difficult due to the fact that I have a girlfriend and she doesn't know. I will have to tell her some time and as she is totally heterosexual that will result in a split. I will regret that, but I don't see any way to keep that result out.
But first things first. I seeked some advice and was provided with addresses of therapists which are open minded. In Germany the process requires treatment by a therapist, then living as girl for some months. Only afterwards I will be allowed for HRT and only if I don't back out of HRT for some time I will be considered for SRS... and my name change.
So... a long way to go. But since I'm 32 right now I can't wait any longer. Also I don't want to wait any longer.
Yeah I know... that's a very long wall of text. But since I like to write long texts I always assure myself that long texts are girly. After all, girls like to talk a lot, don't they?
