Quote from: shadowcat on July 16, 2013, 12:35:50 PM
Not that I think the idea itself is crazy at, more that I just wonder if I'm overdoing it in regards to myself.
I have a fairly open view of gender, and firmly believe in the right for a woman to be very masculine (and vice versa). For most of my life, I've been content to just be very masculine, and female. I was lucky in that I was allowed to be growing up. There were a handful of times when I either "mis-"identified as male and got embarrassed about it, or later, openly questioned my gender in terms of "it would be so much easier if I was a guy."
I suppose I'm just worried that I'm exaggerating my gender issues and that I could be happy as woman. But then again, I still hate the femaleness of my body and have for quite awhile. I got to where I could rather ignore it, but as soon as I started questioning my gender again, it came back full force. I'd be completely fine with a complete physical transition; the idea of it is actually appealing, despite the fact that I hate needles and wanted to never have invasive surgery if I could help it.
I'm not even sure I can say why I want this. Is it because I really am a guy, or is it because of something else, something deeper, that I just haven't identified yet? Or is wanting it simply enough?
I tell myself this would be easier if I was attracted to women, but I'm not really sure that's true. I identify with a lot of the stories I've read on here, so maybe I'm just afraid of making a mistake on something that would so irrevocably alter the trajectory of my life.
It doesn't help that I'm susceptible to paranoia either. I'm aware of it at least, and the fact that it gets worse when I'm exhausted (and dealing with this is kind of exhausting)
I know I need therapy, but can't really afford it right now. I also don't want it to go on my medical records, as I'd like to get health insurance that could cover this at some point, and don't want to get backstabbed by a preexisting condition.
Not really sure what I'm looking for from anyone; I'm just tired of driving myself crazy over this. After awhile I'm starting to feel like a cat chasing its tail. I guess I'm mostly looking for insight from someone who's been through this before. Some validation perhaps, so I can tell off the voice in the back of my head telling me that I should be able to be happy as a woman.
Our brains are hard wired where we have to believe something or to disbelieve it. we can't tell our self that we don't know.
Its either white or black, it can't be gray.
We are either male or female. We can't be both? But Some Of Us -CAN!
My friend you misunderstood your blessing, for a curse.
The experience of your life can be fuller then others- you can experience your life as a male and a female, -- not a male or a female
you can enjoy the company of both males and female's -- others can't
You can have sexual attraction for males and females.-- others can't
read the fairy tail of the "ugly duckling"
you journey begins after you give up your resentment for others-
