OK, so I'm currently married but I know my wife could and would not ever accept my true identity and transition  dream/ requirement.   She thinks it's a phase but I obviously know the truth.  I love her to death and would s do anything for her but how can I get her to accept me for who I am? 

I need to have SRS  just to live with myself but this can't be a total  solution to all my problems and I really want help  :-)

Oh ok

Perhaps seeking out the help of a gender therapist that will allow couple therapy may be an option.

I think the fact is that coming out as trans often times ends a relationship. There are many wonderful stories of acceptance but you should be prepared for the worst. From what I read, there is oftentimes a feeling of betrayal. Even if that isn't so in reality, you will be becoming a woman and your wife is prolly straight, which presents quite the conundrum. I wish you luck and I agree with Cynthia, find a therpaist first. Don't just come out.

When I first came out to my wife, it was when I first realized that I was trans; she didn't talk to me for three days and then said I needed a therapist. I was ashamed of thinking that I was trans and lied to her (something I never normally do) and told her it was just some crazy passing thing and to forget about it because I'm comfortable being a guy.

Well after almost a year later after doing tons of research, reading testimonials of other trans women and a lot of self-reflection, I realized this wasn't going away and I came out to her. I heard "I want a divorce, I'm going to take the kids away, I'm not a lesbian, if you were always female then you've just been lying to me all of these years, it's a whim, etc." That was seven months ago. I've been on HRT for three months and I went full time just a few days ago and we had a nice talk for over two hours after she had me reduced to tears. Last week I was considering to de-transition because I love her so much that I was willing to lock up my female feelings and be miserable again just to keep her feeling comfortable with us.

I can tell you, after being full time and seeing progress from HRT, there is no way that I am going back into my pretend man shell. I told her this during our chat but also that I don't want to lose her. I think that she realized that this is who I am and that it makes me feel good about myself, something I could never say "as a man," now we're trying to make things work and still continue my transition.

My case isn't always the most common case and there's still a good chance that our marriage will fall apart. The point is that even if things look really bleak, you and your wife can pull through it, as long as you BOTH want it bad enough.

I also agree with Cynthia and Joanna that you should seek out the help of a good gender therapist.

Amy

It sounds like she already knows,  is that correct?   If so, maybe you bo4h could go to couple's counseling? There are no guarantees that she will come around,  but I rhink that's a goid step to take if you hope to perserve rhe marriage.

Quote from: Matthieu on July 27, 2013, 07:04:56 AM
OK, so I'm currently married but I know my wife could and would not ever accept my true identity and transition  dream/ requirement.   She thinks it's a phase but I obviously know the truth.  I love her to death and would s do anything for her but how can I get her to accept me for who I am? 

I need to have SRS  just to live with myself but this can't be a total  solution to all my problems and I really want help  :-)

Oh ok

This is among the married that comes up time and time again. I was in the same boat back when. For me my X was more then happy when it was part time and even on full HRT was all well and good. We went out together as 2 females, shopping and dinners etc. Also did a few vacations where i was me 100% of the time. But that all ended one i went full time. She did the thing that most do is turn everything around because they can not handle what others will think. Its like who you are is a alien. I spent many years thinking everythig would work out with out a divorce, i was wrong.
For me it all worked out for the best. I moved on (cried my heart out many nights) and turned my mind on myself and keep moving forward. In doing so i meet my new spouse and now been married since 2006. Going through this i keep thinking what was the magic word i might have said to make it all well, i understand now the only word she and many want to hear is "you are so smart knowing that my personal feelings is just a phase"  This we know is not true but what everyone wants to hear.
Good luck and hope you are the exception and not the rule, but take it as it comes and move on if you need. All will be good and you will be you. Always stay true to yourself. If you could get her to go (mine would not) to a gender therapist i feel it would help even if it ends.

Izzy

This is definitely a hard subject.  When I came out, my wife felt betrayed and lied to.  She was definitely hurt and mad, but she understood why I never had the courage to bring it up.

What helped her was coming to a pretty simple realization:  What is it that makes a husband (or wife, or same sex spouse, or whoever) a good life partner, their genitals or who they are as a person?  My wife didn't marry my penis; she married me.  I'm still the person I was before I came out, which is to say a person worth marrying.

It also takes a strong woman who can look past the haters.  I still worry occasionally, especially as I'm pre-HRT and folks like mind is quiet demonstrate that things can still go wrong in the future.  But even if you swear off your feelings, does your wife want to be with a partner who is miserable until one of you passes away?

Quote from: Jenna on July 27, 2013, 03:22:54 PM
TWhat is it that makes a husband (or wife, or same sex spouse, or whoever) a good life partner, their genitals or who they are as a person? 

My wife couldn't bring herself to this point. She couldn't see past my gender. There was really nothing I could have done to change that. Since staying in a male presentation would probably have destroyed me (and our marriage with it) there really was no other way it could have worked out.

That being the case, the best possible outcome was that I transitioned and am now living as a woman. If the marriage will doomed, I might as well live a genuine life.

I have no wisdom.

But I know this, I didn't marry a vagina, I married a person and she calls herself Mary.

Mary has earned unconditional acceptance from me so many times over. I have no desire to change her. Sometimes parts of her pisses me off. But she is human and I am human and I am plenty sure I have more parts that piss her off than she does to me.

She didn't marry a penis. She married me. If in the future I don't have the penis, well, I hope she is still there loving me.

Some women they get hysterectomy operations later in life. Is that a reason to ditch the woman? No. She's not suddenly not the person she has always been. She's not a womb, she has one currently and it gave us our son. My son came from my testicles. If some day I am able to ditch the things, he doesn't stop being my son. And I am 51 and done the procreation game. I don't need a means to fertilize females any more. I was glad to make my son, and enjoy every day I think about him. Having him was the pinnacle of my life.

My marriage will not be lessened from being unable to have male to female sex. I don't need to be riding her and waiting for the OMG moment when I do a singularly male function. I won't lie, I like the sex act. I like a lot of things though. And it is just one of them. It was useful in the early years, but today, my life has needs, and they don't require a penis.

My wife has needs, and thankfully she doesn't really need that penis any more than me.

So far, I can say things have been beating the numbers.

When I come to bed, I am not coming to bed as anyone other than me. It's my bed, it's her bed, it's our bed. If we only sleep in it, that is fine.

I don't recall my vows mentioning remaining a male at all costs. I recall love, honour obey cherish sickness and in health, till death. I don't recall being miserable.
And what is it to love a person unconditionally? Generally speaking, unconditionally means you don't subject a person to conditions.
And while you can spin transition as a condition, the thing is, a lot of things go best if the go both ways. Forcing a transgender person to remain as they are, is a cruel abuse of power, and tends to void the spirit of unconditional love. It isn't easy to honour unconditionally to obey unconditionally to, cherish unconditionally, to accept the good and the bad unconditionally.

I have never forced my wife to be anything she doesn't wish to be. I can only ask the same.

I can only hope your wife loves you as equally completely.

Too many people though, they marry for wrong reasons, flimsy reasons, and in the end, the marriage was never really as solid as it might have seen.
Live long enough, and eventually life will keep throwing challenges at you. 28 years later, and I have seen most of them. And my wife has bested them all.

I hope your wife is her equal.

Quote from: Matthieu on July 27, 2013, 07:04:56 AM
OK, so I'm currently married but I know my wife could and would not ever accept my true identity and transition  dream/ requirement.   She thinks it's a phase but I obviously know the truth.  I love her to death and would s do anything for her but how can I get her to accept me for who I am? 

I need to have SRS  just to live with myself but this can't be a total  solution to all my problems and I really want help  :-)

Oh ok

I have made comments to my wife but we have never had a serious conversation about it. From her reactions I am still unsure if she would accept me.

I'm on the not so good side of it. My wife wants to separate and have a divorce. She feels the anger of being betrayed and is terrified of what others will think. She feels that she is not a lesbian and that this will hurt her and our son. She feels that I am changing into a different person and that I am killing her husband.

On the other hand we are being civil about it. No one is talking about grabbing what they can and locking the other one out. We are open about custody of our son and not taking him away from either parent. And to some degree I see that our relationship just wasn't that strong. I still love her deeply but she does not necessarily harbor those same feelings for me after six years of marriage.

That story isn't over yet though. We are still friends and working through this. And she has had a bad run of relationships leading up to me. I feel that it must be frustrating for her because I am not cheating on her or lying her about anything in our lives. That would make it easier to hate me and get over it but because I am not she sometimes still feels like my wife and when she doesn't I feel the pain behind her face. It makes me sad but I have to be me. I need to be free inside or I will remain a person who is sometimes distant and unattached in male mode.

Quote from: Jenna on July 27, 2013, 03:22:54 PM
This is definitely a hard subject.  When I came out, my wife felt betrayed and lied to.  She was definitely hurt and mad, but she understood why I never had the courage to bring it up.

What helped her was coming to a pretty simple realization:  What is it that makes a husband (or wife, or same sex spouse, or whoever) a good life partner, their genitals or who they are as a person?  My wife didn't marry my penis; she married me.  I'm still the person I was before I came out, which is to say a person worth marrying.

It also takes a strong woman who can look past the haters.  I still worry occasionally, especially as I'm pre-HRT and folks like mind is quiet demonstrate that things can still go wrong in the future.  But even if you swear off your feelings, does your wife want to be with a partner who is miserable until one of you passes away?

+1

Very well said and well timed in my case. My wife knew I was TG from about day one some 30+ years ago. However, after a lot of introspection I knew I had to take on the beast once again. Before her I had twice experimented with transitioning and stopped. Decided that I can fake "Being a guy". Perhaps a CD plus? Which was her evaluation, until a few years ago when I dropped the T-Bomb on her.

The past four years have been the most trying in our relationship. She went through and still struggles with feelings of betrayal, abandonment, being lied to etc.. A lot of work and lots of honest open communication, something I am not good at, helped us get past the initial stages. The experience has, in many ways, made our relationship stronger and more "Real" since I am breaking out of that prison with the false facade I made for myself and am finally able to feel like a real person.

A couple of weeks ago we (well she) had a major blow-up repeatedly using the "S" (selfish) word in a different context which I immediately translated to the reality at hand, my possible transition. Since I was already in a "WTF am I doing" modality, depressed over the sudden death of a workmate 15 years my junior I summarily, and unilaterally, stuffed Joanne back into the closet that evening.

The result, the miserable old grump we both came to hate living with.

Fortunately, thanks to her efforts towards encouragement (she is my #1 ally), and the personal growth I had achieved over the past few years, after a few days I was able to summon up the courage to have "The talk" with her once again. I hated how I was feeling, I hated knowing I was making her unhappy, and I hated knowing it was all out of some sense of self-punishment brought on by the guilt over the possible pain I am creating for the single most important thing in my life, my wife.

The result, We are still looking forward to happily living forever after

I agree with all above, get counseling, but do not be surprised if everything comes to an end.  My first two wifes, knew enough for me to know that they would never be supportive.  My third (and final) wife knows almost everything, and is supportive, but I'm not sure to what length.  I've just started counseling to see where I'm at and where I need things to go, I'm being told by her, she's in for the long haul, even if it means total SRS. 

Only time will tell, but I know that I won't know until I've taken those steps

Quote from: Lesley_Roberta on July 27, 2013, 06:11:40 PM
I have no wisdom.

Oh, but Lesley_Roberta, you do!

QuoteI don't recall my vows mentioning remaining a male at all costs. I recall love, honour obey cherish sickness and in health, till death.

Matthieu, as someone married, with kids, I know that this whole thing seems like infidelity, something shameful, a huge lie, a massive deception, a sham.

But remember that at its core, it's not your fault.  It's not your fault that you hid this (as I am), it's not your fault that you tried to conform but couldn't, it's not your fault that any of this has happened.

I'm not trying to minimize the feelings that she's having, but it's not as if you went out and committed adultery or gambled your life savings away.  You tried to hide this as long as you could, for her sake.  I get the shock and disappointment and confusion of spouses who are facing this, but what I don't get is the victim status some seem to bestow upon themselves.

I don't know.  On the one hand, I get how a spouse could feel betrayed and cheated.  But on the other hand, I'm annoyed that society as a whole still doesn't get that this isn't a choice.  It's not your fault.  You can't help your feelings.  What would she prefer?  A husband who lied to her once (about his gender identity), or a husband who lies to her every day for the rest of his life about how unhappy he is to be stuffed into her male husband's body?

Some of us say we have known all our lives we were as we are.

Some of us.

I am not one of those persons though. I lived 50 years of life unaware that my perceptions were all skewed to thinking what I was, was something when it was not.

Hey it's easy to fall for the mistake eh. They say boys have a penis. It's not like we are conditioned to disbelieve everyone around us. If you are surrounded by persons all who have a penis and they are all happy to be called boys, and you happen to have a penis, you likely won't have a lot of reason to doubt you are a boy.

I got married, and I had no problems being a groom to a bride. I had no reasons to suspect I might be supporting a mistake. At the time.

It took me a whole lot of life to finally discover my real self. I personally would not be capable of being accused of having lied to anyone about something I had no knowledge of previously.

But it is a major reason I don't fully support stealth, as it gets in the way of life.

I don't think it matters if a person has been married a day a year a decade though. No amount of time will make the revelation any easier.
In the end, the person that married you either loves you unconditionally, or they don't. The either love the person, or they were never really in love with the 'person' exclusively. And marriages fail all the time for all sorts of reasons. Money troubles can cause divorce, health troubles can cause divorce, appearance troubles can cause divorce, performance in bed can cause divorce. Sadly we humans can be dreadfully shallow people.

My wife drives me nuts some days, but, she's a bloody incredible person, and she has never subjected me to conditions. It's just unfortunate she's just so rare.

We don't wake one day and just decide to be something else. This isn't like ditching a career and wrecking a stable family environment. This isn't being caught in bed with another person. This isn't us just making changes to the marriage because we are selfish. It's not coming home drunk all the time, or spending all our time out with friends and never at home. It's not us spending all the family finances on stupid purchases.

It's not like being transgender is an injury. Although it is a known fact marriages some times fail due to one of the partners suffering some trauma. Because of my own background I am familiar for instance with the hell of combat and the effects it can have on persons when they come home. And society often does little to understand that too.

Being transgender is a challenge indeed. But it is not something we did with malice of deceit. If a person can't love you regardless of what you look like, then, I think it is just as fair to tell the person claiming we lied, that they too might be equally guilty of being less than genuine during the vows.

I took very deliberate care when I said mine. I fear too many say the words perhaps too casually, without having really taken the time to really think about what they mean. Maybe too many think it's 'just a ceremony' and not that important. A person's word is only as good as they make it though.

In the end, all you can really do with a spouse, is tell them, be honest, and tell them you love them fully and for real and unconditionally. If they do as well, there will be no trouble beyond the obvious unusualness of it all. If their word means nothing, well the sooner you find out this truth I guess, the better. Life is too short to spend it with an illusion.

Speaking from the other side figuratively here. I am in a support group and we do have several couples that have remained together post transition. However, MOST of them were FTMs in lesbian relationships. I'm pretty sure that the person they were "married to" (since it has not been done in our state) is bi-- not really lesbian. Some of them were genderqueer (even they didn't know this til later.)

There are people who have come in supportive (mostly ciswomen) of MTFs. They come in starting that way, but not sure they will end up together. It is a lot to go thru as an identified straight person. True they didn't marry a "vagina" but they still have a sexual orientation. Sure there are other things. I am sure some people manage "amicable" divorces, not sure it is so common. I think the "heteronormative" pressures are such that it is almost unknown for an FTM and husband to stay together.  I'm sure maybe there is one somewhere enough to prove the rule.

Without any kind of thing like that goign on, you hear that transition is a selfish process. I don't really like that term, as I don't think that one has so much choice in the matter. But it is heavily introspective and forces you to deal with things most people don't ever have to think about.


--Jay