When I started the transition process, I was positive that I wanted to be stealth. I wanted to live like a woman and have nothing to do with my past. But now it is looking like that will be more and more difficult to do because too many people know about me. It's also difficult because even though I go by my new name my documents are still in pain told name and gender. I'm even wondering what to do with Facebook because I'm no longer comfortable using my old name there. Should I start a new account with all my new friends just change the name on my current account or what? Maybe I should just be open and not care what people think.

Hi Rosa, I changed my name on my facebook acount. I didn't want to lose the friends that had accepted me as trans and they new long before I started my transition. I am very open about being trans. I am very proud of all the obsticles I have over come in my life and this is no exception. If anyone dosen't like me for who I am then it's their loss. But what you do is up to you, Go with what you feel is best for you.

Stealth seems like a crushing psychological burden. I've tried being stealth in a couple venues where no one knows me and I find I have to watch EVERYTHING I say. I like to talk about my past.

OTOH, I really like it when women relate to me as a woman, not as a transwoman. The only way I can make that happen for sure is try to pass.

Personally I think I will be content with people seeing me enough as a woman that they find it easy to forget what they know about my history.

Quote from: suzifrommd on July 27, 2013, 03:11:50 PM
Stealth seems like a crushing psychological burden. I've tried being stealth in a couple venues where no one knows me and I find I have to watch EVERYTHING I say. I like to talk about my past.

I was just about to write that I'm sure I will be stealth. But that's a valid point, I like to talk about my past, too. And since that will always be that of a male person, I'll have hard times maintaining my stealth.

It looks like stealth with good friends who know might be a passable solution.

Nevertheless, it's up to everybody to choose for themselves.

Im taking a mixed approach to my transition. Im open to friends and family, but stealth to the rest of the world and am finding it to be so much easier then any other way of transition because i have the support from friends, but don't have to worry about the stares and comments from the rest of the world.

depends on the setting

After transition/SRS I lived the first 20 years pretty much stealth; only my husband and my doctor knew. Though I was living half way across the country, things have a way of coming out, in my case through a nosy busybody who snooped through medical records and made the juicy bits the topic of gossip (not just me but a number of other people had confidential information released). I was pretty firmly established in my new community and no body ever confronted me with it so I just ignored it. Now, pushing 40 years post, I am much more open about it and don't give a damn what anyone things. Usually they just flat out refuse to believe me and that's kind of nice.

Since I still live where I did before I transitioned and have a lot of contact with people I knew before, I'm more out than not. But overall its not been an issue. Some don't know, some do and I think most people have gotten so used to me that they don't really mention it to people that don't know so much anymore.

I transitioned at my work (3500 employees, worked there for 25 years at the time),  I live the place where I've been living since 1993, so to me there's really no sense in trying to be stealth.
I've only met positive reactions and are treated like the other women at work. After my SRS in june 2013 I'm back at the office and everyone I meet express they're glad I'm back.

To me this way is the right way, but like taking the step into transitioning, stealth or open is something that I feel you have to decide for yourself, following your heart in what feels the best for you.

/Jeanette

I need to be as 'stealth' as I can be for personal reasons. The decision to either or halfway in between is a personal one and I see no reason to judge anyone based on their decision about this subject.

Stealth seems like the better option for me. I don't want to attract attention and as all my friends have moved on etc, I'm in a perfect position to start anew.

I was in a similar situation to Jeanette.

So no stealth - and no problems. People have been totally accepting, there is one (male) person who doesn't talk to me anymore, and much to my surprise he is now being ignored by his colleagues. But guys I have worked with for 20+ years hold the door open for me, let me in the lift first, open taxi doors for me. Essentially treat me with the courtesy they treat all woman they work with.

And my female co-workers have been fantastic. Funnily we were having a female discussion of the comfort or lack of comfort of wearing 'thong' undies and the effect they had on our boyfriends/husbands etc, which stopped immediately a guy came in to the tea room. Obviously we didn't want to embarrass him. But it was very revealing!!!!!

So don't get too hung up. I think the world is changing, at least in civilised countries - but the uncivilised ones often surprise me with their location! The land of the free doesn't seem to always live up to it's moniker. While the ocker Australian macho beer swilling bloke - seems to be very accepting.

Strange

Quote from: Cindy. on July 28, 2013, 04:08:56 AM
Strange

I tend to disagree. Neither good nor bad prejudices can stand if you look at them closely most of the time.

I'm not stealth and I haven't really tried to be in the past. These days though I am trying to skew my life in that direction. I'm okay with friends and family that know me from before knowing about my past, as long as they can keep their pie-holes shut whenever I'm not around (I've already had to ditch a few friends that couldn't keep their mouths shut).

People talking is just the worst though. I don't know why they do it. Many think it is totally okay to do it. Some just can't grasp why I don't want people to know. Even my mother was baffled when I told her last year that I don't like being around strangers who heard it through the grapevine. It had never even crossed her mind.

Some people feel they have a duty to inform others. Usually they are of the opinion that brutal honesty at all times is the only way to go, or else you are some sort of scum with no integrity. They'll usually say this right before they tell you your face is ugly or something ("Whale biologist!") . I had a friend like this out me on my facebook page. He referred to me with my former name in a comment to something I posted. Luckily I was online and was able to delete it in seconds. I confronted him and told him to never ever do it again. His reaction was utmost surprise and he seemed to think my behavior was deceptive and immoral. He said he would respect my wish but he thought it was wrong of me to not have it all out in the public.

People don't understand why I don't like it when others know. They don't understand why it matters, but it does. Usually when I'm around people I can tell if they know or not. I can sense it because they act different from how people normally act around others. It's in their eyes. How they look at me and how they are only half hearing anything I say because they are way to preoccupied checking out the amazing freak of nature that I am in their eyes. Coming out to people as a trans woman is the equivalent of coming out as a human clone or an android. I often feel like an artifact around people who knows. I have little interest in feeling that way.

I often hear others say they think being stealth sounds stressful. I used to think so too, but my experience so far tells me it's not really so. Once it has been established that no-one knows then there's nothing to worry about, because if they don't know, how could they find out? A few weeks back I started seeing a guy. He doesn't know and being with him is just great. I was out with him on Friday night and he spent last night here at my place, and the entire time with him this weekend I didn't even once think or worry about my you-know-what status because I know he can't clock me. To me stealth is peace of mind. It's just too bad there are so many people out there with the ability to wreck it for me.

MariaMx, sorry to pry, but I thought you were married?

And your post is an example of why I am not out to anyone except my family. The burden for those that do know? My mother is extremely sensitive about how I feel about my privacy. She'd love to tell her friends, but knows she can't without my express permission, and I utterly trust her. There are many past aspects of her life that she has to keep to herself and she can't show old photos etc., which upsets her, and therefore upsets me. But I simply can't be out. I would absolutely detest being around anyone that knows.

Quote from: Nicolette on July 28, 2013, 06:16:08 AM
MariaMx, sorry to pry, but I thought you were married?

I was for almost 7 years but it fell apart last January. I'm not going to go into details, but my life is much better now so no need to feel bad about it on my behalf

Quote from: MariaMx on July 28, 2013, 07:25:18 AM
I was for almost 7 years but it fell apart last January. I'm not going to go into details, but my life is much better now so no need to feel bad about it on my behalf

The seven year itch seems to have some consistency. Good luck on pastures greener.

My goal is for a nice balance between stealth and openness.  Random people I meet in day-to-day life don't need to know, but I'm okay with being open to closer friends and people that I establish a relationship with.  Even then, I would probably only tell people if the subject came up (having people that don't know about my past sounds interesting!)

Quote from: Nicolette on July 28, 2013, 08:21:51 AM
The seven year itch seems to have some consistency. Good luck on pastures greener.

I heard that it has changed to 3 years recently; thus 7 years seems pretty long to me.

That said, I aim for longer relationships.

Quote from: Anna! on July 28, 2013, 09:27:57 AM
My goal is for a nice balance between stealth and openness.  Random people I meet in day-to-day life don't need to know, but I'm okay with being open to closer friends and people that I establish a relationship with.  Even then, I would probably only tell people if the subject came up (having people that don't know about my past sounds interesting!)

Sounds about like how it was for me. However, what turned out to be the problem was that people would know before a relationship was established. Most new people I meet have some connection to someone I know from before. Information that you have transitioned will spread through your social network at light speed resulting in people knowing your whole history before you even know they exist.